JDPT Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 I found myself aimlessly driving yesterday trying to clear my head to no avail. I started to play a song which essentially revolves around a break up and how cold a guy's heart has turned, wishing he could still work things out with her. I felt this intense anger and pain inside me and started to scream to the top of my lungs as I was driving, letting it all out and then tears started pouring down my cheeks. I felt this intense yet unique pain on my chest, it was rather agonizing, I felt like I was finally starting to feel the loss and this is how it felt. I realized that all this time I was inadvertently numbing myself to get by this process, numbing myself as a defense mechanism. This morning I went to the gym, went through my usual routine and as I was in the sauna I stroke up a conversation with a young man who expressed himself very maturely. Somehow I disclosed to him about my break up and how I'm trying to cope with this whole fiasco by coming to the gym, his response was "breakups make bodybuilders..." This young man, age 21 looked like he has been working out for a while and reminded me of a time I used to look like him. He disclosed to me that his father past away a few years ago and how he essentially immersed himself in the gym to try and deal with his loss. I started to think that my loss perhaps was not as bad as his yet it is an emotional loss nonetheless. We exchanged practices we follow, as he is Muslim and I am Jewish. He kept giving me words of encouragement and wishing me good luck, it felt good coming from a total stranger who appeared to resonate with what I was disclosing to him and only met me a few minutes ago. I guess it's good at times to vent to strangers as I felt/feel so alone. So between yesterday and today I feel cleansed as if my heart and mind are just a bit more open to the world and not be so afraid of it as I have been feeling since my ex dumped me a few months ago. When she dumped me my confidence was shattered, self esteem was on the floor, I felt/feel worthless and useless but just a few months or perhaps years ago I was the complete opposite. I was always very assertive in anything I did in life and I felt like I needed to be more so for her, so that she can see me and see perhaps a leader and role model but that only lasted so long, as she slowly with all her issues kept chopping me down to the person I am now. What I do know is that this too shall pass, and I will come out of this a stronger and wiser me who will make healthier decisions and have a more stable mindset to choose right from wrong. I'm starting to understand what I lived with my ex was inevitable and it was crucial for me to have lived this with her in order to grow into a better me. And later on down the line I will internalize that things do happen for a reason, even losing what you thought was the love of your life and the "perfect" girl for you. I know that in time all this pain will make sense and I will be able to enjoy life once more with someone who will be more suitable for me. All hope is not lose, we need to keep working together day in and day out. 3
Jenny1234 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Keep pushing forward! That's all we can do. I was crying in my car today over some random song too. We are both on the same page...I'm almost 4 months out. I remember thinking...by Labor Day I'll be feeling so much better...boy was I optimistic back then!
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Keep pushing forward! That's all we can do. I was crying in my car today over some random song too. We are both on the same page...I'm almost 4 months out. I remember thinking...by Labor Day I'll be feeling so much better...boy was I optimistic back then! Guaranteed you are feeling better. Much better. It's just hard to measure. Have you been 100% NC for those 4 months??
zzzz99 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 I too have driven around aimlessly for the past 3 weeks. When a song comes on the radio that reminds me of my ex, I try to switch the station as quickly as I can. I was supposed to be getting married in 3.5 weeks and he broke off the engagement 3.5 weeks ago. I know that intense pain in the chest that you are describing. Every morning feels like death, but I drag myself out of bed to try to get on with my day. Everyone tells me it will get better and I can only hope that it does. I keep thinking that maybe when the wedding date comes and goes, it will get easier... Hang in there. 2
Jenny1234 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 I too have driven around aimlessly for the past 3 weeks. When a song comes on the radio that reminds me of my ex, I try to switch the station as quickly as I can. I was supposed to be getting married in 3.5 weeks and he broke off the engagement 3.5 weeks ago. I know that intense pain in the chest that you are describing. Every morning feels like death, but I drag myself out of bed to try to get on with my day. Everyone tells me it will get better and I can only hope that it does. I keep thinking that maybe when the wedding date comes and goes, it will get easier... Hang in there. I can only imagine the pain you are in. I bet it feels like you are just floating around. Time is the only thing that helps! Stay strong. You deserve nothing but the best!
Jenny1234 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Guaranteed you are feeling better. Much better. It's just hard to measure. Have you been 100% NC for those 4 months?? I know I am doing "better". I barely remember what the hell I was doing the entire month of May. I have not kept NC which I know is not the best thing but I'm human and cave in sometimes. We have text convos here and there but they are always very light and fluffy about stupid stuff. I just wish he would tell me he misses me or something along those lines. Blahhhhh just another hard day here...there's always tomorrow to start fresh again
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 I know I am doing "better". I barely remember what the hell I was doing the entire month of May. I have not kept NC which I know is not the best thing but I'm human and cave in sometimes. We have text convos here and there but they are always very light and fluffy about stupid stuff. I just wish he would tell me he misses me or something along those lines. Blahhhhh just another hard day here...there's always tomorrow to start fresh again Not to tell you what you already know, but it is easier when 100% NC. LC just keeps you hanging on. Hoping. Waiting. Torture!!!
Jenny1234 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 I know... I'm back at NC.... Hopefully this time for the long haul 2
Author JDPT Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 Keep pushing forward! That's all we can do. I was crying in my car today over some random song too. We are both on the same page...I'm almost 4 months out. I remember thinking...by Labor Day I'll be feeling so much better...boy was I optimistic back then! It's been roughly 3.5 months since I was dumped and although I have not made substantial improvement I've made improvement nonetheless. I recall the first month or so I was utterly paralyzed, nothing made sense, the world was against me and out to get me. And although at times it may feel that way, I can honestly say that it's not as bad as it used to be. What I'm learning is that there is absolutely no way to rush this. Every step must be accounted for in order to make full recovery. And as excruciating as it may be I keep telling myself that joy wouldn't feel so good if it wasn't for pain. 1
Author JDPT Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 I too have driven around aimlessly for the past 3 weeks. When a song comes on the radio that reminds me of my ex, I try to switch the station as quickly as I can. I was supposed to be getting married in 3.5 weeks and he broke off the engagement 3.5 weeks ago. I know that intense pain in the chest that you are describing. Every morning feels like death, but I drag myself out of bed to try to get on with my day. Everyone tells me it will get better and I can only hope that it does. I keep thinking that maybe when the wedding date comes and goes, it will get easier... Hang in there. Stay strong, we will all get through this. We all have our own experiences, things we go through during the day, tears we shed in solitude and you know what? All that counts toward recovery, we face our fears day in and day out and will come out of this victorious.
lovesucks76 Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Last time I cried was 2 days ago. it has been 18 days since BU and I decided I was done with crying. I'm still hurting but trying to stay busy all day long. I also noticed I was obsessing about too many details of the relationship and about her. NO more. If it's meant to be it will be. I deserve to be happy and that's what I'm doing....trying to be happy. She no longer occupies my mind all the time, only part of the time. Small steps....I will get there! 1
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