dinner with the ex

[Antonio Banderas]

I have an upcoming dinner with my ex who dumped me 4 months ago. We have not seen or talked since then. We never fought and always behaved civil with other except for the night she met someone else (that lasted briefly).

 

At this point I just want her to want to see me again. What are some do's and dont's? I don't want to F#*@ things up by bringing up the past right? Any advice?

 

Gracias

[Paulie]

Yeah...DON'T suggest, or even remotely hint toward getting back with her. That'd be her duty. One thing you should guard against is the possibility that she is just trying to see if she COULD still get you back (a little ego booster for her)...DON'T YOU DARE GIVE HER THAT!!!!!

 

Be nice, but not too nice. How did this dinner arrangement come about, anyway? And why do you want somebody back who left you for someone else? Are you THAT convinced that she has changed?

 

Be careful, my friend.

[Kat]

There is no harm in meeting her and having dinner with her...if shes to talk about the past then thats fine...just dont pressure things...take it easily and see what happens...

[Paulie]

Also, I forgot to mention the advice that I often give in situations such as this:

 

Assuming you make the decision that you do want her back,(which you won't let her know, until she proclaims similar desires);

 

Have HOPE, not EXPECTATIONS

 

Good Luck,

 

Paulie

[Catari]

Do you really want her back? If you do, play hard to get. Be nice, charmant, and be on your best behavior. Try to find out what she wants from you and, if it is you, the one ready to take her back, keep it to yourself for a while. Perhaps, she did make a mistake, perhaps it did not work out with the other guy and she thinks that it will be easy to replace him with you. I am sure that you will find out.

I have an upcoming dinner with my ex who dumped me 4 months ago. We have not seen or talked since then. We never fought and always behaved civil with other except for the night she met someone else (that lasted briefly). At this point I just want her to want to see me again. What are some do's and dont's? I don't want to F#*@ things up by bringing up the past right? Any advice? Gracias

[Tony T]

This girl is having a GREAT relationship with you, then meets someone else and just tells you to go to hell...and you are still thinking about her? You actually want to sit at the same table with her?

 

If you even entertain seeing her again, she will have confirmed for herself that you are a spineless wimp and she will dump on you again so hard your mind cannot comprehend. I have seen this happen so often.

 

If you see her, tell her I said she has no loyalty, no morals, ethics, consideration...but she does have an awful lot of nerve contacting you after what she did.

 

Get set for a lot of trouble with this chick.

[Antonio Banderas]

I asked her out...I wanted to marry her. I don't know that she has changed...I guess that talking to her face-to-face is one way of finding out. I want to be confident and sure of myself around her. I don't want her to break me.

Yeah...DON'T suggest, or even remotely hint toward getting back with her. That'd be her duty. One thing you should guard against is the possibility that she is just trying to see if she COULD still get you back (a little ego booster for her)...DON'T YOU DARE GIVE HER THAT!!!!! Be nice, but not too nice. How did this dinner arrangement come about, anyway? And why do you want somebody back who left you for someone else? Are you THAT convinced that she has changed? Be careful, my friend.

[Antonio Banderas]

Tony, I contacted her and I have already politely told her

 

off. We are both at fault for what happened and I have to take responsibility for starting it so our actions kind off cancel each other out. She is a good person and definatedly marriage material - the total package. She was right in questioning whether I was and I have to admit that I have shortcomings that I'm trying to improve.

This girl is having a GREAT relationship with you, then meets someone else and just tells you to go to hell...and you are still thinking about her? You actually want to sit at the same table with her? If you even entertain seeing her again, she will have confirmed for herself that you are a spineless wimp and she will dump on you again so hard your mind cannot comprehend. I have seen this happen so often. If you see her, tell her I said she has no loyalty, no morals, ethics, consideration...but she does have an awful lot of nerve contacting you after what she did. Get set for a lot of trouble with this chick.

 

[Paulie]

Sorry. I just think you're giving into this chick WAY too easily. I personally wouldn't give her the time of day!

 

I'll let Tony take it from here. I'm getting neausous.

[camille]

It would help if you provided a little more info.

 

How long had you been together before she cheated on you/things ended?

 

Who was it that initiated contact now/going to dinner?

 

Do you still have feelings for her?

 

Would you consider rekindling a relationship with her, if that's what she wanted?

 

How do you feel about the fact that she cheated on you/dumped you in the past? Can you ever really forget that? Do you think you could ever trust her completely, again?

 

You wrote:

 

"At this point I just want her to want to see me again."

 

So, you're saying that you want to have dinner with you, and hopefully after that she'll want to have a relationship with you?

 

Even after she cheated on you in the past???

 

Why does she even deserve a second chance?

 

camille

[camille]

You said:

 

"I guess that talking to her face-to-face is one way of finding out."

 

You stated prior to that statement, that you didn't know if she'd changed or not, but felt that talking to her would help you find out. I totally disagree.

 

I'm a firm believer that words mean little, actions say it all. Words can never indicate if someone has changed, or is truly sorry for the hurt they've caused. Unless she gives you an apology, and a sincere one at that, for cheating on you/hurting you, I'd say put her in the past and move on with your life.

 

For me, at the age of 33, I've slowly learned that I'll be damned to be seen as a doormat, or someone who allows people to hurt me then be able to freely come back into my life. No, I'm not bitter. I just love and respect myself.

 

Over my past 15 years of dating and one abusive marriage, I've been cheated on. And over those years, I'd confuse my feelings of love for a person for respecting myself. If someone cheated on me, I'd be crushed but my love for them ended up making me far too forgiving of their cheating/lies, etc. It was as if I had no respect for myself......and it took me a few years to get to the place where I will only allow someone do disrespect me once, then that's it forever. They had their chance, they blew it, see ya later.

 

Looking back, the men I was with who cheated must have thought I was a real pushover.......for being so willing to forgive them (funny thing, a lot of them never even apologized for what they'd done).

 

I guess we all come to a place in our lives (and some take longer to come to this place than others) where we realize our own worth....and we hold our heads up high and make a firm decision to never settle for less, or let other sh*t on us.

 

I'm sure this is just a lot of rambling but hopefully some of this will make sense to you and help you to figure out your feelings in all this, and what you should do.

 

camille

[Deejette]

Way to go, Camille!

 

Heed her words and repeat after me now: "I will not be anyone's doormat. I respect myself and do not allow abuse of any kind: Emotional, verbal, or physical. I have dignity and pride and I am worthy of loving and being loved!"

You said: "I guess that talking to her face-to-face is one way of finding out." You stated prior to that statement, that you didn't know if she'd changed or not, but felt that talking to her would help you find out. I totally disagree. I'm a firm believer that words mean little, actions say it all. Words can never indicate if someone has changed, or is truly sorry for the hurt they've caused. Unless she gives you an apology, and a sincere one at that, for cheating on you/hurting you, I'd say put her in the past and move on with your life. For me, at the age of 33, I've slowly learned that I'll be damned to be seen as a doormat, or someone who allows people to hurt me then be able to freely come back into my life. No, I'm not bitter. I just love and respect myself. Over my past 15 years of dating and one abusive marriage, I've been cheated on. And over those years, I'd confuse my feelings of love for a person for respecting myself. If someone cheated on me, I'd be crushed but my love for them ended up making me far too forgiving of their cheating/lies, etc. It was as if I had no respect for myself......and it took me a few years to get to the place where I will only allow someone do disrespect me once, then that's it forever. They had their chance, they blew it, see ya later. Looking back, the men I was with who cheated must have thought I was a real pushover.......for being so willing to forgive them (funny thing, a lot of them never even apologized for what they'd done). I guess we all come to a place in our lives (and some take longer to come to this place than others) where we realize our own worth....and we hold our heads up high and make a firm decision to never settle for less, or let other sh*t on us. I'm sure this is just a lot of rambling but hopefully some of this will make sense to you and help you to figure out your feelings in all this, and what you should do. camille

[Tony T]

So happy that Deejette brought your post to our attention. Yes, everyone should read it.

 

I get constantly criticized for telling people to go on with their lives after getting jerked around and treated nastilly by someone. So many people think it is such a wonderful thing to get back and try to work it out. Fooooeeeeyyyy!!!!

 

You are so right, though, you have to reach a stage in your life when you just won't put up with anymore crap. Until you have reached that point, you think that by some magic people are going to change from scumbags to kind people...they don't...hardly ever, anyway!!!

 

Your post rings with 100 percent truth but until the reader is ready to accept it by their maturity and life experiences, they may have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

 

But I know Deejette and myself certainly do!!!

[Stargazer]

If anyone's read any of my posts, you'll know I second this to the fullest.

 

There is a lot to be said for life experience. Was sitting with a friend last night having coffee and people watching, looking at the teenagers go by. The conversation turned to......'geez that was US not too long ago', the years just slip through your fingers. Of course we wished the we could only have had the knowledge of love and life back then to go with our young nubile bodies!

 

Youth really is wasted on the young.