Bozer Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Hello all, this is my first post. So here's the situation: my gf and I have been dating for over a year and I'm starting to feel like she's not my physical match anymore. I'm kind of a lean guy, and to be honest I LOVE curvy girls, like big boobs, nice bum, and a slim midriff. The problem is, my girl has put on weight since we met, like 30+ pounds, she's stopped going to the gym and she's got a sweet tooth too. I know she's very bothered by her weight because I've tried to encourage her to be more active, but she gets frustrated trying to keep up with me, and isn't very active on her own either. I know she feels like I'm the one and we share so many interests and she's such a wonderful person, but I often find myself yearning for a curvier woman; which makes me feel terrible. I know if I mention her weight to her she'll be crushed, and I don't know what to do. Any advice?
darkmoon Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 (edited) could you remind her how much some clothes, even just one outfit, that used to fit her looked really lovely on her? hopefully she'll take the hint, idk, she must know she has a food addiction, much built around sugar which is addictive, once the sugar level is down the body needs more and more, this cycle gets worse, idk, you could be the dieter, gained a few pounds say, and ask her to join you to support you by eating less, as you say she isn't active enough for gym sugar addiction link > http://endsugaraddiction.com/about-sugar-addiction/the-many-forms-of-sugar-addiction/ Edited August 22, 2013 by darkmoon
emva07 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Hey at least you're honest with yourself. Sexual attraction is a very important part of a relationship. If it's not there, it's not there. Better now than keep it bottled up inside, be married for years and start cheating for women that you do lust over. You know? 3
waiting4u Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Tricky. I would just try to emphasize that you are interested in working out and healthy eating - that it's important to you - without necessarily telling her she should do the same. Hopefully she will get the hint eventually. Women tend to gain weight in relationships. Is she okay now or are you just afraid she'll get bigger? She may just stay at this weight - particularly if she's sure you aren't going anywhere.
Author Bozer Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 Thanks for the advice guys and gals. I'm not sure a diet is the answer here, as much as a diet change: we already eat zero fast food, and minimal processed food; its just her propensity for dessert and bad eatting habits. It seems to me a willpower issue: its hard for her to change. I appreciate a woman's perspective on this, because although I love my girl as a person, I'm finding it hard to be attracted to her because big curves aren't her body type and she's struggled with her weight for years, and just isn't very fit. The fact that we just signed a new lease on an apartment complicates things too.
waiting4u Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 The fact that we just signed a new lease on an apartment complicates things too. I'll say it does.
AMusing Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Only you can answer if her weight is a dealbreaker to you. A few questions for you, though. When you met, was she at her "typical" weight (i.e. her current weight is an outlier for her), or was she slimmer than normal when you met? Or, has she always oscillated? When you two met, was she your ideal body type, or was she always bigger than you'd really like? The answers to these questions could help give a better idea of her potential to lose the lbs she's put on. It also gives an idea if, were she to lose the weight, you'd be completely attracted to her or not. I noticed you said she thinks you could be the one, but never said you thought she could be the one. Is the only problem in your relationship her weight, or is there more? If you really aren't attracted to her and have doubts that she's really the woman for you, it may be kinder to break the lease and let her find someone who thinks she's sexy as-is. If you decide to stick with her, I have a couple small pieces of advice. First, she KNOWS she's gained weight; hearing it from her boyfriend is like a punch in the gut. Bring it up from a health standpoint (eating that much dessert--enough to gain 30lbs in a year--is a legit health concern). Second, it is very frustrating to try to keep up with a fitter partner. I don't know what activities you do together, but can you try to slow WAY down? I'm sorry OP. You sound sweet, I wish I had better advice for you.
stillafool Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Where on her body is she gaining weight? You said you like a curvier woman is all of her new weight in her stomach?
Phantom888 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Her gaining weight is not only negative on her appearance, but also on her health. All that sweet stuff is bad. Try to get her to cooperate gradually. Less sweets, more protein, less sitting around. Go walking together. Have more sex. Anything to get her active. I was physically inactive for a long time, until I decided I was sick of feeling miserable. It took a while, but my woman motivated me. Now I am in better shape than ever, and it is really good for the relationship.
ls32ssibm Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 How old are you? 20? 60? If you are younger and this is happening, it's over. 1
Author Bozer Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 Thanks again for all the advice! To answer a few things: -pretty much all of her weight gain is straight midriff, and maybe to her bust (I don't mind). I've tried to encourage her to be more active by doing things like riding bikes, but then she gets frustrated with hills that I just go straight up. I've told her it's not a big deal and I don't judge but its enough to put her off riding. She likes going for walks but I don't think it's intense enough, and besides that, I feel like she needs to put some effort in on her own too. -We're both mid 20s, and moved in together pretty quickly (after 3 months) I've decided that I'm going to do my best to subtly encourage her to cut down on the sweets and be more active. I'm not entirely sure it'll be enough because honestly, she was maybe a bit larger than the shape I now yearn for when we met, but I'm certain there's enough of an emotional connection to overlook that. I just want us both to be happy and sexy 1
truth_seeker Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 take viagra. You'll find any woman attractive. You mean, drink alcohol. 2's turn into 10's.
nescafe1982 Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Not for nothing, but I've seen many women gain a bit of weight around the 1 year mark, and then start to work it off during year 2 of a relationship. It's common enough that I think of it as the "freshman 15" of dating. Also, where she gains isn't exactly up to her. I know that's not what you meant when you specified, but chicks are sensitive about that and there seems to be a widely held perception that you can burn fat in particular places on the body. You can't. She needs some cardio and maybe it's best if she does some activity that is around other women. My BF and I don't work out together because as a man, he can run faster, farther, and more intensively than I can... and it's frustrating as hell to be unable to keep up! Dance-aerobics are sometimes a great thing for women... I have girlfriends who do Zumba and love it! It will boost her confidence and make her feel sexy too. Does she have female friends who are more active? 1
crederer Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 People keep pointing out excersize, but the reality is that the thing that dictates weight is primarily what you put in your mouth. I know this through personal experience and a few years ago I was working out a ridiculous amount and my doctor told me that is good, but the reality is that makes minimal difference in terms of weight. My weight was dropping but not much. Then I cut my calorie intake by about 500 cals a day and I lost about 50lbs in less than a year. I was about 260, and I understand that bigger people tend to lose it a little easier than smaller people. Majority of that came off in the first 3 months, then the drop in weight slowed down as my body adjusted. 30 lbs is a lot of weight to gain in a year. She's become comfortable, which is fine, but if it bothers you, you have to tell her in a sensitive manner. Don't say you are unattracted or anything that will hurt her self esteem. I'm sure you eat many meals together, so make an effort to cook healthier meals and skip the dessert. 1
Leigh 87 Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 I think you should break up with her. If the attraction is was VERY strong to begin with, you should still be attracted to her unless she is seriously chubby.
RogerWallace111 Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 (edited) was waiting for this one ^ Don't make the guy out to be a douche when he's just being honest and perfectly reasonable. 30 lbs is definitely enough to change one's physical attraction to a person- get real. Like he said his love for her as a person isn't wavering, but sexually the appeal to him is declining. Which is truly beyond his control. Ever try to will yourself to find someone attractive ?? It hasn't worked the few times I've tried. Attraction isn't all emotional/mental of course... come on. Edited August 23, 2013 by RogerWallace111 1
nescafe1982 Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 People keep pointing out excersize, but the reality is that the thing that dictates weight is primarily what you put in your mouth. This is true if you're eating in excess of 2000-2500 calories a day, if you're drinking sodas/beer like there's no tomorrow, etc. She will have to change her diet to LOSE significant amounts of weight. But weight loss is all about calories in/calories out. Exercise is a huge part of that formula. Indeed, diet may be less significant than many think: simply dieting while maintaining a sedentary lifestyle leads not to significant weight loss but to a decreased metabolism, e.g. the last thing anyone wants. I exercise precisely because I cannot/will not conform to a diet. I hate feeling hungry, so instead of denying myself food, I work out a lot.
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