I really hurt my girlfriend

[beres]

I've was with my now ex girlfriend for 9 months and we were really close. We clashed a bit mainly because I am an introvert and she an extrovert. She loves to talk, I love to listen, but she had issues with me not talking but we finally came to understand how each of us was built.

 

A few weeks ago I went into the shower and when I came out she was in a state of shock, I inquired what the issue was and she told me she had been through my phone and saw a conversation with a female friend. She broke down and immediately ended the relationship.

 

The conversations was quite explicit, she had also sent me a 3 pics showing me that ass had gotten bigger since she moved to zambia, since January I have spoken to this female friend maybe 5 times. I and this lady friend have always spoken in this manner, at least for the past 5yrs, before I met my girlfriend, we used to skype, text and talk to each other regularly, there has never been anything more than an exchange of words, we tease each other and flirt quite a bit, but there is and has never been any thing more. We have known each other for the past 10 yrs, she tells me about the guys who are trying to get with her and what she has been up to. We have spent time in the same bed and nothing has ever happened not even a kiss.

 

I mentioned what happened to my friend and she was ready to call my girlfriend to apologize and explain that there was nothing to it.

 

My girlfriend has said we can never be together any longer and we should be civil, I've been in a state for the past 3 weeks, I can hardly sleep, hardly eating, I was totally in love with this girl, and regret now that I did not think enough to drop off all friendships which might have been an issue. I never took those conversations seriously and where I have found myself in a compromising situation, where I went to help a friend with her pc and she ended up getting practically naked, I ran out of the house, so I know I wasn't trying to cheat but after reading so much material in the past 2 weeks, I know now that I was quite unfaithful, and I'm really sorry.

 

In the first week when this happened, she returned everything I had ever given her, I panicked and wrote her a letter everyday, think that might have made the situation worse. I really did mess up.

 

She's stated that I get angry and I don't tell her, I always thought if I get angry and just keep quiet and deal with it myself it is better than exploding and sometimes I don't say it because I feel the reason is not significant enough to be that upset. She also stated that I'm not open with her as a result of all the feedback I got, I signed up for anger management counselling.

 

Her birthday is on saturday and i have am worried to get in touch, I have sent her flowers with a message which simply says happy birthday, I didn't put my name in the card because I was worried she will return them to me.

 

She is very hurt and I don't know if I can ever have her back, but I know I will do almost anything to have her back, any feedback is welcome.

[Arabella]

Wow I'm SO sorry to hear this.

 

Your situation really makes me sad, because for every man who cheats... there is another getting into trouble with his girlfriend over a misunderstanding. I would have done the same as your girlfriend, unfortunately

 

I'm sure you know how these "innocent" conversations looked to her, not knowing that was just the type of talks you have with your friend. I honestly think your friend should write her a note explaining the situation and apologizing also. This should humanize her in your girlfriend's eyes, and help lessen the threat.

 

Stop harassing her, though. I don't think that all these letters are going to help. Give her some time to process the anger and hit her up in a couple of weeks. She should be more willing to discuss things at that point.

 

-A

[Auguria]

Why would you want someone who doesn't respect your privacy?

 

Yeah OP. You text, flirt and receive pictures to assess how much of a "bigger a**" a female friend of yours has while having a girlfriend for nine months...

 

BUT HOW CAN SHE NOT RESPECT YOUR PRIVACY?????????

 

Nah. I give up.

[Maleficent]

I think she over-reacted...

 

Personally, I would have confronted him and accepted the explanation while asking him to tone it down out of respect for me.

 

By her reaction, I'm sure the other girl would have understood the situation too.

 

Besides, she is in Zambia for ****'s sake! He might as well be downloading pictures from youporn or stuff like that...

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I've was with my now ex girlfriend for 9 months and we were really close. We clashed a bit mainly because I am an introvert and she an extrovert. She loves to talk, I love to listen, but she had issues with me not talking but we finally came to understand how each of us was built.

 

A few weeks ago I went into the shower and when I came out she was in a state of shock, I inquired what the issue was and she told me she had been through my phone and saw a conversation with a female friend. She broke down and immediately ended the relationship.

 

The conversations was quite explicit, she had also sent me a 3 pics showing me that ass had gotten bigger since she moved to zambia, since January I have spoken to this female friend maybe 5 times. I and this lady friend have always spoken in this manner, at least for the past 5yrs, before I met my girlfriend, we used to skype, text and talk to each other regularly, there has never been anything more than an exchange of words, we tease each other and flirt quite a bit, but there is and has never been any thing more. We have known each other for the past 10 yrs, she tells me about the guys who are trying to get with her and what she has been up to. We have spent time in the same bed and nothing has ever happened not even a kiss.

 

I mentioned what happened to my friend and she was ready to call my girlfriend to apologize and explain that there was nothing to it.

 

My girlfriend has said we can never be together any longer and we should be civil, I've been in a state for the past 3 weeks, I can hardly sleep, hardly eating, I was totally in love with this girl, and regret now that I did not think enough to drop off all friendships which might have been an issue. I never took those conversations seriously and where I have found myself in a compromising situation, where I went to help a friend with her pc and she ended up getting practically naked, I ran out of the house, so I know I wasn't trying to cheat but after reading so much material in the past 2 weeks, I know now that I was quite unfaithful, and I'm really sorry.

 

In the first week when this happened, she returned everything I had ever given her, I panicked and wrote her a letter everyday, think that might have made the situation worse. I really did mess up.

 

She's stated that I get angry and I don't tell her, I always thought if I get angry and just keep quiet and deal with it myself it is better than exploding and sometimes I don't say it because I feel the reason is not significant enough to be that upset. She also stated that I'm not open with her as a result of all the feedback I got, I signed up for anger management counselling.

 

Her birthday is on saturday and i have am worried to get in touch, I have sent her flowers with a message which simply says happy birthday, I didn't put my name in the card because I was worried she will return them to me.

 

She is very hurt and I don't know if I can ever have her back, but I know I will do almost anything to have her back, any feedback is welcome.

 

You may not be able to fix this. But if there is a shot I think you should do the following.

 

This is an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR, you should learn about them and proper boundaries for a committed relationship. Get the book "Not Just Friends" and read it.

 

There are several other books that talk about how to help your partner get over an affair. Read those too.

 

Then ask your XGF if you can meet in person. Tell her you are sorry. List every single time your boundaries were bad. Do a timeline of each incident.

 

Tell her what you learned. Tell her how you would do each thing differently and how you would guarantee, with your actions, that she is safe in a relationship with you.

 

Ask her to consider it. Ask if there is anything at all specifically that would make her feel comfortable, do it if you can.

 

Good luck.

[Phantom888]

Give her some time to process and cool down. 9 months is quite a long relationship to throw away, so try to understand that she is hurt and needs time to think. As stated above, try talking to her in a few days. Explain and cut off all ties with that friend!!

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I think she over-reacted...

 

Personally, I would have confronted him and accepted the explanation while asking him to tone it down out of respect for me.

 

By her reaction, I'm sure the other girl would have understood the situation too.

 

Besides, she is in Zambia for ****'s sake! He might as well be downloading pictures from youporn or stuff like that...

 

 

 

You assume he is in the US?

[SantistaUSA]

I think she over-reacted...

 

Personally, I would have confronted him and accepted the explanation while asking him to tone it down out of respect for me.

 

By her reaction, I'm sure the other girl would have understood the situation too.

 

Besides, she is in Zambia for ****'s sake! He might as well be downloading pictures from youporn or stuff like that...

 

What is there to confront? he's been talking dirty with other WOMEN, not just that one, he was being very disrespectful to his now ex. I don't see a problem about him talking to other women as long as it not that type of talk, let's say it was the other way around, I'm sure he would be devastated as well.

 

OP you screwed up, you already apologized, now you need to respect and give her space. If she wants to give you another chance she will contact you.

[beres]

I'm in the UK, so no where near Zambia.

I never really hide my password from her, I enter it with her standing beside me, so to me, I didn't think there was much to hide, I really just had to conversation from it being the norm and nothing more.

But I will get the book and read it, I really did mess up but I wasn't trying to cheat or anything like that

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I'm in the UK, so no where near Zambia.

I never really hide my password from her, I enter it with her standing beside me, so to me, I didn't think there was much to hide, I really just had to conversation from it being the norm and nothing more.

But I will get the book and read it, I really did mess up but I wasn't trying to cheat or anything like that

 

I am not a believer in the right to cell, text, email privacy in committed relationships. But that is not what this is.

 

You may not have intended to cheat. But you did. By having and sharing sexual conversations with someone not your SO.

 

First thing you have to do its accept that.

[Auguria]

I think she over-reacted...

 

Personally, I would have confronted him and accepted the explanation while asking him to tone it down out of respect for me.

 

By her reaction, I'm sure the other girl would have understood the situation too.

 

Besides, she is in Zambia for ****'s sake! He might as well be downloading pictures from youporn or stuff like that...

 

Nope. It's pure disrespect. There's no explanations to be given. He's in a relationship. He texts and flirts and receives inappropriate pictures of his female friend's "a**" with whom he has a prior history of heavy texting and flirting... That female friend might have been in Mars for all purposes, it still doesn't change the fact that he was looking for exterior validation and was engaging in very inappropriate behavior.

 

The other girl? ... Was she aware you were in a relationship OP? ... Since you guys used to talk, Skype and text a whole lot before you got with your girlfriend and did only text 5 times since then she might be aware of your ex-girl's existence, and still persisted in flirting with you she's is HILARIOUS!

 

And KUDOS to that ex-girlfriend of yours for having stopped this circus immediately. She must have had high self-esteem and self-respect while you can now get back to flirting and commenting on your female friend's a** in all liberty.

 

Learn about boundaries mean in healthy, respectful, committed and loving relationships. And leave that girl alone. She definitely deserves better thann your "love".

[beres]

yep its accepted, was not the intent but that is what I have now come to realize I did.

[imfine]

"I honestly think your friend should write her a note explaining the situation and apologizing also. This should humanize her in your girlfriend's eyes, and help lessen the threat."

 

I disagree with this. When something similar happened to me, my SO had her contact me. It didn't humanize her, it insulted me that he asked her for help. I responded not so kindly to her & it went very down hill from there.

 

You broke her trust. You let another woman do what should have been special between you & your GF. You probably need to accept she's gone because of your actions.

[Maleficent]

Nope. It's pure disrespect. There's no explanations to be given. He's in a relationship. He texts and flirts and receives inappropriate pictures of his female friend's "a**" with whom he has a prior history of heavy texting and flirting... That female friend might have been in Mars for all purposes, it still doesn't change the fact that he was looking for exterior validation and was engaging in very inappropriate behavior.

 

The other girl? ... Was she aware you were in a relationship OP? ... Since you guys used to talk, Skype and text a whole lot before you got with your girlfriend and did only text 5 times since then she might be aware of your ex-girl's existence, and still persisted in flirting with you she's is HILARIOUS!

 

And KUDOS to that ex-girlfriend of yours for having stopped this circus immediately. She must have had high self-esteem and self-respect while you can now get back to flirting and commenting on your female friend's a** in all liberty.

 

Learn about boundaries mean in healthy, respectful, committed and loving relationships. And leave that girl alone. She definitely deserves better thann your "love".

 

I understand. But is there really a need to end a relationship because of this? Clearly, it's innocent. Not like the other dude hanging out with the friend twice a week.

Also, the other girl is very sorry for the whole and offered to explain to the girlfriend.

 

Disrespectful and inappropriate? Sure. Worth breaking up an otherwise healthy relationship? not really.

 

Though like I mention, he should stop doing this.

 

Not everything is black or white.

[Maleficent]

"I honestly think your friend should write her a note explaining the situation and apologizing also. This should humanize her in your girlfriend's eyes, and help lessen the threat."

 

I disagree with this. When something similar happened to me, my SO had her contact me. It didn't humanize her, it insulted me that he asked her for help. I responded not so kindly to her & it went very down hill from there.

 

You broke her trust. You let another woman do what should have been special between you & your GF. You probably need to accept she's gone because of your actions.

 

I agree with this. The other girl should just stay in her corner and let OP and girlfriend work things out.

They should keep their contact to innocent exchanges on facebook or something

[Maleficent]

You assume he is in the US?

 

A little...

Though if they've been texting and he said she moved. I assumed they were not close enough to be in physical contact.

[beres]

I've definitely stopped, was the first conversation I had with my friend, explained to her the cost of us talking this way was too high and as we both know nothing is coming of it, it has to end... There is no going back down that road, this was too painful all for nothing

[Maleficent]

What is there to confront? he's been talking dirty with other WOMEN, not just that one, he was being very disrespectful to his now ex. I don't see a problem about him talking to other women as long as it not that type of talk, let's say it was the other way around, I'm sure he would be devastated as well.

 

OP you screwed up, you already apologized, now you need to respect and give her space. If she wants to give you another chance she will contact you.

 

Well it depends what your philosophy of relationships is.

 

Personally, I believe that everything should be confronted and talked over - ever cheating. No reason here to act like a child and dump the other person with no explanation. Dude should know he did something wrong.

 

I still think breaking up and not wanting to go back with him over this - especially if everything else is doing great with the relationship (again, assuming everything else is fine)

[Auguria]

I understand. But is there really a need to end a relationship because of this? Clearly, it's innocent. Not like the other dude hanging out with the friend twice a week.

Also, the other girl is very sorry for the whole and offered to explain to the girlfriend.

 

Disrespectful and inappropriate? Sure. Worth breaking up an otherwise healthy relationship? not really.

 

Though like I mention, he should stop doing this.

 

Not everything is black or white.

 

Sexually teasing, flirting, sexting with a female friend while in a relationship is innocent? Since when? No, it's actually fairly interesting. Are you telling me that exchanging racy pictures and texts with a female friend is common occurrence in platonic friendships now ? ... There's an intent behind these texts and the intent is to be sexually validated and aroused when claiming to be in love with your girlfriend.

 

Texting behind your partner's back, and doing so with a female friend with whom you have a long history of sexual attraction is UNHEALTHY. This is not a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP by any means since he seeks exterior sexual validation.

 

Also, what is this female friend going to explain, huh?

 

" Hey Ex-girlfriend, I know you're mad that your boyfriend is sending me sexual texts and is flirting with me, and I really didn't mean anything when I sent him 3 racy pics of my a** so he can comment on it, and you should know that we've been doing this for 5 years and we have also slept in the same bed, but we are only friends. I swear. I'm sorry, we keep in contact even now that he shares your bed. It's just for fun you know, it's all innocent. We like sexually teasing each other. It's so much fun!"

 

Yeah. Right.

Edited August 22, 2013 by Auguria

[beres]

I should not be defending my actions, but I have had the same similar conversations with this girl for a few years now. We stayed together for a few months and nothing happened through all of that time. We've teased each other for years as we have both accepted we can never do anything.

 

Either way I made a huge mistake and can only deal with the consequence now

[Auguria]

I've definitely stopped, was the first conversation I had with my friend, explained to her the cost of us talking this way was too high and as we both know nothing is coming of it, it has to end... There is no going back down that road, this was too painful all for nothing

 

Dear, you are not ready for a true relationship. No man committed and in love would act the way you have. You truly are immature. I am curious to know your age, actually. Anyway, it might be time for you to recognize that such behavior in any future relationship will not be accepted by any woman with self-respect. Also, you might want to completely cut your relationship with this female friend of yours. She's not your friend. True platonic friends do not sexually tease each other.

[Maleficent]

Sexually teasing, flirting, sexting with a female friend while in a relationship is innocent? Since when? No, it's actually fairly interesting. Are you telling me that exchanging racy pictures and texts with a female friend is common occurrence in platonic friendships now ? ... There's an intent behind these texts and the intent is to be sexually validated and aroused when claiming to be in love with your girlfriend.

 

Texting behind your partner's back, and doing so with a female friend with whom you have a long history of sexual attraction is UNHEALTHY. This is not a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP by any means since he seeks exterior sexual validation.

 

Also, what is this female friend going to explain, huh?

 

" Hey Ex-girlfriend, I know you're mad that your boyfriend is sending me sexual texts and is flirting with me, and I really didn't mean anything when I sent him 3 racy pics of my a** so he can comment on it, and you should know that we've been doing this for 5 years and we have also slept in the same bed, but we are only friends. I swear. I'm sorry, we keep in contact even now that he shares your bed. It's just for fun you know, it's all innocent. We like sexually teasing each other. It's so much fun!"

 

Yeah. Right.

 

You are clearly reading between the lines and making me say things I didn't. So really...

 

So here all I'M saying is that I would accept the explanations and ask him to stop. I don't think his intentions were bad, but what he did was not smart.

 

But hey! you all feel free to end otherwise good relationships for misunderstandings all you want. I really don't care.

[Auguria]

You are clearly reading between the lines and making me say things I didn't. So really...

 

So here all I'M saying is that I would accept the explanations and ask him to stop. I don't think his intentions were bad, but what he did was not smart.

 

But hey! you all feel free to end otherwise good relationships for misunderstandings all you want. I really don't care.

 

I don't think that there's any misunderstanding actually. It's pretty straightforward. His actions speak louder than his words. If he thinks that doing what he did is simply to be thought as "innocent" or not "meaning anything", then he is clearly immature and socially inept. He can ramble on and on about how he didn't think exchanging sexual texts with his female friend would jeopardize his relationship, but the matter of the fact is that no one wants to be intimate with a guy that not only has no shame destroying boundaries but he is also ignorant about them while doing so.

 

It also comes down to what our threshold for disrespect is. I admit, mine is not very high. Especially when it comes down to cheating, be it emotional or physical.

[Maleficent]

I don't think that there's any misunderstanding actually. It's pretty straightforward. His actions speak louder than his words. If he thinks that doing what he did is simply to be thought as "innocent" or not "meaning anything", then he is clearly immature and socially inept. He can ramble on and on about how he didn't think exchanging sexual texts with his female friend would jeopardize his relationship, but the matter of the fact is that no one wants to be intimate with a guy that not only has no shame destroying boundaries but he is also ignorant about them while doing so.

 

It also comes down to what our threshold for disrespect is. I admit, mine is not very high. Especially when it comes down to cheating, be it emotional or physical.

 

Mine isn't very high either.

 

It's just this is something he's been doing it for years. As long as they are both single it really doesn't bother anyone.

So he gets a girlfriend and continues this like an idiot without thinking about the effect on his girlfriend.

 

I think he is clearly aware now that this was wrong and I'm sure he won't make the same mistake twice. If he does, well then he deserves to get dumped.

I don't consider this as cheating, to be honest. I mean, they've spoken five times since January...he's in the UK she's in Zambia...they've been casually flirting for years etc...

 

Also, if I send a picture of my ass to someone saying 'hey look how my ass got fat!' my relationship with this person is clearly not sexual in any way

lol

 

But I agree it has to stop.

[beres]

You are free to call me whatever you think works for you, that doesn't change the situation or what happened, I lived with this friend for 2 to 3 months and that's how we got so comfortable.

 

I have told her that we cannot be friends any longer if we maintain such behaviour. I don't think any of this sounds like I am taking this simply, if not I doubt I would be in the sate I am in.

 

I made a mistake, maintained a level of friendship which I should not have, it has cost me a whole lot and as a result I have given up a 12yr friendship, if you consider that simple then that is fine, i guess you have never made a mistake before