Have a good one for you guys

[stevejohnson94]

I worked with this girl for 5 months. Constant flirting, we were obviously into each other, but she was in a relationship. She found another job, we kept in contact and and she told me she was no longer in a relationship. Shes 27 im 34.

 

Her contact increased after that, so one day I got the balls to say "why dont we hangout and give this a try". Hangout is my word for "hookup" and she pretty much knows that and she agreed to.. So there was hardcore flirting by her after that (im going to blow your mind, what do you want me to wear, etc) and we set the date. She came over, we had ok, not great sex. For a first time, it was good.

 

The next week was a little awkward - I asked to her come over a couple times, but we live kinda far apart and she said no, but she invited me to a sporting event late in the week - things went ok, had fun, etc. The next day i said "why dont you come up by me after work Saturday and we'll go out". She said "I;m going out with friends." OK, thats cool. That night she text me 7 times - ending up with "come get me" - i never responded as I didnt have my phone on me. The next day is when I mess everything up.

 

I text her Sunday morning ( the next day) and say sorry i didnt have my phone, but im close to your house, let me pick you up and take you to my place". She says "no, im not leaving my bed but you can come by and say hi". Im like "nah". At that point she blows up and says ive changed the last 3 days and asks what my deal is and why im being an *******. I was frank with her and said "ive asked you to hangout a few times this week and you turned me down every time!!". Anyway, I ended up going over to her house, met her parents (lives at home, moving next week) and had dinner. It was awkward to say the least. When i got home she did text me a couple times, ending with "good night".

 

This week has been awkward. She has initiated contact one day, but its not the same. I'm not sure where to go from here. Yesterday, she was telling me about her ex (very briefly) and I made a comment like "i cant believe you put up with that for 2 years and I cant even get you to wine and dine with me". She responded to the "put up with 2 years" but not my "wine and dine" comment. We had semi plans for lunch, but she said she had a lunch meeting - yet another denial to me asking to see her.

 

What do you guys think? The anxiety of this is killing me.

[Balzac]

Anxiety? She reads here like an immature, not very emotionally capable, so so at sex, "girl". The conversations you describe aren't even adult.

She may be the usual kinda hookup for you but that's not working either.

I'm not sure what you're looking for but this girl isn't delivering anything from your description of it.

[stevejohnson94]

Anxiety? She reads here like an immature, not very emotionally capable, so so at sex, "girl". The conversations you describe aren't even adult.

She may be the usual kinda hookup for you but that's not working either.

I'm not sure what you're looking for but this girl isn't delivering anything from your description of it.

 

Thank you for the response. I'd like to date this girl and see what happens. I agree on the immaturity.

 

My anxiety stems from "i like this girl but do not know what to do next". Do I 'bottom line' her and say "listen, im digging you, i'd like to see you" and ask her out on a formal date? Do I continue to play it cool and just see what happens? I'd really like to get out of this whatever state im in now with her - but im thinking she doesn't want to date and maybe just be a hookup, or just be friends like we were before.

 

For the record, I believe the sex can be amazing, it was a LONG night and we were both exhausted by the time it was go time.

[AmazingLoveDoes]

Well if you were interested in more than just sex with her, you should not have just invited her to come over for sex without actually going on a date. Maybe she thinks you just want to hook up, also if she just ended a relationship she's not ready to start another.

 

Quit asking her to come to your place to hook up, but if you really wanna try to date her ask when she's available and set the date, if she avoids or cancels the date then late her go.

[Balzac]

You're funny! Immaturity is ok but then you layer emotionally in the same brownie. You're talking about bottom lining her but does that get you anywhere?

 

I'd say you can try any of your pitched ideas. She's reading like the typical easy girl who was already in your bed and will end up there again. You just need to keep your phone on you, sleep lightly, car gassed up, bolt outta your door with a hard dick the minute she calls. She'll keep calling. Better yet tell her you'll pay for the cab when she rolls into your bed.

[Emilia]

This is what happens when two people don't really know each other but jump into intimacy straight away.

[stevejohnson94]

This is what happens when two people don't really know each other but jump into intimacy straight away.

 

Probably. We literally talked about everything for 6 months prior. I had never been with her out of work. It was awkward when she came over - and I actually tried not to have sex with her numerous times while in bed, but I know at that point it was too late. The reason I didn't want to is because I knew i would get emotionally attached and be right where I am now.

 

She is moving to with a few blocks of my work 10 days. Currently I live an hour from work and she lives an hour from me. So our distance thing should be solved in a week.

 

I'm talking to her today and just so blah. No flirting. All small talk. We chat on IM throughout the day. I'm fairly certain this goose is cooked. Its the not knowing that drives me nuts. Im a yes or no guy....

[AmazingLoveDoes]

Probably. We literally talked about everything for 6 months prior. I had never been with her out of work. It was awkward when she came over - and I actually tried not to have sex with her numerous times while in bed, but I know at that point it was too late. The reason I didn't want to is because I knew i would get emotionally attached and be right where I am now.

 

She is moving to with a few blocks of my work 10 days. Currently I live an hour from work and she lives an hour from me. So our distance thing should be solved in a week.

 

I'm talking to her today and just so blah. No flirting. All small talk. We chat on IM throughout the day. I'm fairly certain this goose is cooked. Its the not knowing that drives me nuts. Im a yes or no guy....

 

She's not ready to date, she just got out of a 2 year relationship right? Just take it easy, don't over think, she needs time.

[stevejohnson94]

She's not ready to date, she just got out of a 2 year relationship right? Just take it easy, don't over think, she needs time.

 

She's constantly been in relationships since she was 18. She seems like the type that goes from one to another.

 

That being said, I can understand that. Im thinking if she was interested in dating, she would make time to see me. She has one day to play a week because of work and and where she lives (Saturday) and of course she is booked, so I cant ask her to hangout. I told her i'd be around and to find me. She said "i will, but i never leave this one area". Im thinking, ****, if I wanted to see someone, I would leave any area.

[Balzac]

I think you've been in her FriendZone but had the hookup and now it's on you to escape the zone. Why was she living at home?

[stevejohnson94]

I think you've been in her FriendZone but had the hookup and now it's on you to escape the zone. Why was she living at home?

 

she was living in another state for 4 years, moved back home to save $$. She makes very little money, so miving out has been difficult.

 

Even when we were "friends", it was constant flirting.

 

So you think after the sex, the late night texts, the invite to the game, im in the friendzone? My buddy thinks im stupid for talking to her throughout the day.

[Balzac]

Flirting is how she maintains her pipeline and the only way she's capable of interaction w men. Flirting has gotten you sex once as I read your story.

 

I've no doubt she's always in a relationship.

 

If your goal is dating her as a pathway to sex, I'm guessing she isn't used to dating. She's a loose craft hoping to pick up a high tide w enough wind to rescue her. Is that what you're about?

 

Why does your buddy day stop the FriendZone chatter?

[emva07]

Ever thought that it might've felt like just ok sex to her as well? Always sucks when you had high expectations and you were let down. 6 months of wanting it so bad, then you get it and it's just ok, womp womp.

 

For two people that have been friends for 6 months, she was probably expecting for you to act like a nicer FWB then what you have demonstrated. Right now you have been acting like a guy who just met her, not like a friend.

 

And why would you treat her like this if you wanted a relationship with her?

[Balzac]

It's easy to read our responses as harsh. You've told is you are 34, worked w her. That's she a low wage earner.

 

Have you been in any long relationships? Married? It may be that you just lack experience.

 

Help us to get a better understanding.

[stevejohnson94]

Flirting is how she maintains her pipeline and the only way she's capable of interaction w men. Flirting has gotten you sex once as I read your story.

 

I've no doubt she's always in a relationship.

 

If your goal is dating her as a pathway to sex, I'm guessing she isn't used to dating. She's a loose craft hoping to pick up a high tide w enough wind to rescue her. Is that what you're about?

 

Why does your buddy day stop the FriendZone chatter?

 

Honestly, I can couldn't care less about the sex. I genuinely want to be around her, treat her right (dinner, shows, walks on the beach), I like her. I do. There is no doubt we have/had a connection. Everyone in the office saw it and commented on it.

 

My buddy thinks I am making myself too available and getting myself into the friendzone by talking small talk all day. I'm eliminating the chase.

 

Ever since Sunday, there as been zero chemistry between us, no flirting and all the talk is related to nonsense. I think I see where this is going - but I thought this last Friday too - then got a stream of text messages all Saturday night that ranged from "you are missing out im wearing a tight black dress" to "where are you" to "come get me".

 

Ever thought that it might've felt like just ok sex to her as well? Always sucks when you had high expectations and you were let down. 6 months of wanting it so bad, then you get it and it's just ok, womp womp.

 

For two people that have been friends for 6 months, she was probably expecting for you to act like a nicer FWB then what you have demonstrated. Right now you have been acting like a guy who just met her, not like a friend.

 

And why would you treat her like this if you wanted a relationship with her?

 

I have NO DOUBT she felt the sex was 'just ok' as well. I don't think I'm Mr Wonderful in the sack, but I have enough experience to know my way around. I was constantly complimenting her, asking her what she liked, i was really into it, made it all about her, etc. I just know we could do better.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by 'nicer'. I feel I have been pretty nice to her. Im always listening, giving advice, showing her I care about the things she finds important, etc.

 

I'm assuming you are referring to my asking her to come over as "treating her". In all honesty, because of where we live right now, our only option to be together is to stay over night. We have a 2 hour round trip commute, so I figured she stayed over once, it would make sense to come over, enjoy each others company, sleep and go to work together (we work a block apart). I even told her I would make her dinner and workout with her in the morning (which she likes to do). So I wasn't saying "come over and hook up with me". I was trying to make it like a date.

 

It's easy to read our responses as harsh. You've told is you are 34, worked w her. That's she a low wage earner.

 

Have you been in any long relationships? Married? It may be that you just lack experience.

 

Help us to get a better understanding.

 

I appreciate the feedback more than you know. I don't mind the harshness or criticism. - how else do you evolve and grow?

 

I have been in about 4 relationships that lasted longer than 2 years. I have very little experience with dating - which is what I have going on now. Usually, when I like a girl, they like me back and we are in a relationship pretty quickly. This is honestly one of the first times I have had to deal with this kind of experience. I tried online dating for awhile and I can relate this to that a little bit - but I didn't have sex with them the first night we hung out like I did with this one.

 

I would say I have a masters degree in relationships, but dropped out of high school with dating.

[stevejohnson94]

You only ever asked her round to your house. You didn't suggest you go places or for drinks or a meal together. The one time you did do something with her it was at her suggestion. There is your problem. You're treating her just like a hook up and she knows it.

 

Also, you're moaning at her for not coming to your place for some more average sex. I'd stay away too if I was her.

 

I asked her out last Saturday, but wasn't clear about a meal. My words were "why dont you come over and we'll go out". When I saw her Sunday I was like "why dont you come over tonight and we can go to work in the morning" and her response was "i have a routine, i dont want to get ready at your house. Plus I dont want to 'hangout' until 5am then get up for work".

 

I have asked her to lunch on 2 occasions as well, both times she had something come up.

 

I'm a firm believer in practice makes perfect, and I know we'd be good in bed together. We matched up fairly well. It was 6am by the time we started having sex and it was after 10 beers a piece. We were exhausted.

[emva07]

I'd say at this point just sit down with her and have the "listen, I like you and want to make this work as more than just hanging out" talk.

 

Because right now I feel like there's a lot of miscommunication. The fact that she said "i don't want to hang out until 5 am" makes me believe she still thinks it's about the sex.

 

Either she isn't understanding that you like her like her and feels like you just want her for sex OR she is just not interested and is trying to back off.

 

In my personal experience: There was a guy I lusted over for MONTHS, so so did he. We flirted like you wouldn't believe with each other.we finally told each other. So we did it. Terrible. Not at all what I had expected and fantasized about all that time. It was everything he had dreamed of and more he said. He wanted more but I just told him that I didn't enjoy the sex with him and that it wasn't going to work out. He said ok so we went back to being friends. Sometimes the fantasy is so much better than the reality.

[stevejohnson94]

I'd say at this point just sit down with her and have the "listen, I like you and want to make this work as more than just hanging out" talk.

 

Because right now I feel like there's a lot of miscommunication. The fact that she said "i don't want to hang out until 5 am" makes me believe she still thinks it's about the sex.

 

Either she isn't understanding that you like her like her and feels like you just want her for sex OR she is just not interested and is trying to back off.

 

In my personal experience: There was a guy I lusted over for MONTHS, so so did he. We flirted like you wouldn't believe with each other.we finally told each other. So we did it. Terrible. Not at all what I had expected and fantasized about all that time. It was everything he had dreamed of and more he said. He wanted more but I just told him that I didn't enjoy the sex with him and that it wasn't going to work out. He said ok so we went back to being friends. Sometimes the fantasy is so much better than the reality.

 

I appreciate your response and it makes perfect sense. The thing is - after the sex - the next week went very well. Tuesday she was begging me to meet her and her sister for lunch. On wed. she asked me to the game. Friday night she had to work, but was acting jealous about some girl she worked with that I said i knew. Sat night (a week after sex), there were the flurry of texts messages basically begging me to meet up with her and to "come get her". So, in my mind, the sex wasnt the thing that has her backing off - but I could be wrong.

 

Come to think of it, while we were engaged in the activity, she told me she fantasized about having sex with me WHILE with her last bf - who she only had sex with 3 times in 8 months - another story in itself.

 

I was already to have the "sit down/bottom line" convo, but after the last 2 days, I do not feel very confident ill like what I am going to hear back.

[emva07]

Still sounds like miscommunications. Might've taken you not having a phone all night as a lie (let's face it that's the excuse we all give when we don't want to answer someone back) in your case it was actually true though, but she might be assuming it's not?

 

So then she is the one that goes cold and you get hot....it's a see-saw of desire.

 

Deff have the talk. If you guys talk, you will understand how you feel about each other and finally end this game. You two might feel the same way and are just both putting up a defensive wall to not feel rejected by the other. You won't know unless you talk.

[stevejohnson94]

Still sounds like miscommunications. Might've taken you not having a phone all night as a lie (let's face it that's the excuse we all give when we don't want to answer someone back) in your case it was actually true though, but she might be assuming it's not?

 

So then she is the one that goes cold and you get hot....it's a see-saw of desire.

 

Deff have the talk. If you guys talk, you will understand how you feel about each other and finally end this game. You two might feel the same way and are just both putting up a defensive wall to not feel rejected by the other. You won't know unless you talk.

 

Hmmm. Makes sense. I have a very strong feeling she'll say "just friends" or "i thought we were just having fun". Rejection is a tough thing - but not knowing may be tougher. I have liked this girl since the day she started at my work. So when i finally had her over, it was like "i cant believe this is happening!!" So its obviously got a grasp on me now and I'm afraid of the answer.

[KungFuJoe]

Sounds like this girl just sees you as a once in a while booty call...pretty much under HER terms and not yours. She doesn't want to date you...pretty much just using you to get off every now and then.

 

I think that's plain as day.

 

The question is...are YOU ok with this arrangement she is not so subtly trying to set up?

[Balzac]

Pick an event in the 3 weeks ahead time horizon. Pitch it to her, make the plans clear and see if she balks. That's what I'd do.

[stevejohnson94]

Sounds like this girl just sees you as a once in a while booty call...pretty much under HER terms and not yours. She doesn't want to date you...pretty much just using you to get off every now and then.

 

I think that's plain as day.

 

The question is...are YOU ok with this arrangement she is not so subtly trying to set up?

 

I thought that too...

 

But why am I having dinner with the parents, she's taking me to a game, asking me to meet her and her sister for lunch, etc. I dunno.... I'm not saying you are wrong, because I've thought about this plenty.

[stevejohnson94]

Pick an event in the 3 weeks ahead time horizon. Pitch it to her, make the plans clear and see if she balks. That's what I'd do.

 

I'm going to see how this weekend goes and either just stop this and forget about it or take your advice.