my wife still blames me and my family

[jlop]

Hi, I’m 38 years old and my wife is 32.. My sad story sounds very similar to many on this site unfortunately. D-Day came around six months ago, when I discovered through almost private eye detective skills, that my wife of 7 years, partner of 13 had run away interstate for a weekend away with her lover. She returned a few days later claiming she had work there and it wasn't until a few nights later, while she was asleep that I grabbed her mobile and checked her Facebook private messages for all the proof I needed. I took screen grabs and sent them to my computer as proof. I woke her in the morning and drilled her for the truth. She lied through her teeth, even after I told her I had proof. It wasn't until I started reading the private messages out loud that she broke down and admitted to the truth. She left that day, with a few bags packed to stay with her father. She returned home three weeks later. She would come over to the house every few days to see if I was ok. We had many long talks and I found out through friends who this man was. The irony in all of this is that both my wife and I are very driven people, both have great careers, she is a clinical psychologist and I am a commercials director. We have two houses in great neighbourhoods, great friends, good cars etc. etc.. The man, an old school friend, is the complete opposite to me, no career, left his wife to pursue an affair with mine, lives in the garage of a family friend, told my wife at one stage that he wanted to be a drug dealer and is infertile. It blew me away that she would pick him over me.

According to my wife, she was not happy, blamed me for her affair and told me I was never there for her emotionally when she went through a mental breakdown a year ago and I left to become a freelancer. I did everything in my power to be there for her, maybe I did it in the wrong way. As the ‘5 love languages’ book states, both partners interpret love in different ways. I guess mine was different to hers. I have also discovered I am a serial pleaser, avoiding confrontation, always trying to look for the good in all situations etc. My father was a very violent man to my mother and I promised to never treat a woman that way. My wife on the other hand is very emotional about everything, always has been. She would have a melt down if the plates where stacked incorrectly in the dishwasher...Literally. My brother would call her "firecracker" even her family called her "Tasmanian Devil" . After a while I gave up, no matter what I did, it never pleased her. Sex was always rejected with an excuse, its too late, its to early, I'm tired. So soon enough I just stopped asking, I was sick of being rejected and did what most men do, turn to the internet for a quick fix. Her excuse for the affair was, "you didn’t meet my emotional and sexual needs so I had to look for them elsewhere it is your fault we are here".... she literally said that to me. I asked her about that comment not long a go and she regrets saying it to me. She blamed and still does, the breakdown of our marriage on my family, they always complained we lived too far, hassled her because she didn’t have children, and I never defended her.

She moved back into the house, not necessarily for reconciliation but according to her, she had no other place to go. I did the 180 and it worked, I became a better man for it, read all the books I could find, joined this forum, bought the eBook, all of it. I have come such a long way since that time that ironically, I was the one person that truly believed people don't really change....until I changed myself" Anyway, fast forward to now, we where going great, we went shopping together to buy new furniture, we did our bedroom up. We had never bought furniture when we got married, most of it was hand me downs as my wife was just starting work after university and my career had yet to take off. Now was our time to reconcile, and make plans for the future. Throughout this time, the other man was still there, according to my wife, when we sent the no contact letter and I changed her number, he would just rock up at her work, she was stumped with what to do so she would just ignore him when he walked past. She tried everything but he would just not get the message.

 

Last week I was on the way to view a location when I get a call from the police claiming her car had rolled through a roundabout hitting an elderly couples car. I rushed back thinking something had happened to my wife. I soon discovered the car was in a side street, not far from home and the handbrake had not been put up properly, this is how I found out my wife was lying, again. According to her she was so sick of his stalking she decided to take it back to his house and give him an earful of how selfish he was, coming to her work, how did he like it now that she took it to his doorstep and how she was trying to move forward with her life with me etc. etc... then they kissed!!!!

 

 

 

This was last week and from that time, In my wife’s mind this re-affirmed that what we had been doing up till then was a lie and she needs to be honest with herself about her happiness and future. She told me that she doesn't really love me anymore. She says she wants children and we never had them, she wants a family and someone that isn't just a friend like we where. She doesn't want to waist time hoping to find a love in me that was lost, she mourns for our loss. She even admits and says we had a fantastic relationship, that she went into our marriage wanting to be with me forever but now she isn't sure of that anymore and wants time sort herself out. I’ve told her after long honest chats we have recently had, now that all the cards are on the table, that if it was intimacy that was lacking, that we should do something about that, I’ve certainly read a lot of stuff now, and would love to do some exercises and courses to help us.

I believe with building intimacy you build a stronger bond and love naturally flows from that. She doesn't believe after so long without it that it can work and prefers to have a temporary separation to sort her feelings out. She says she knows this other man is bad for her and wants to be alone to figure things out, she even admitted she does not love him and understands that that relationship existed because of the failure in our relationship. She says she wants nothing more than to feel the love for me she once had but right now, wants to be away, to see if she misses me, longs for me and says she wants to do it for the sake of our marriage. She believes she doesn’t just want to throw 13 years away but cant lie to herself about the way she feels about me now. Guys I’ve tried the ‘be understanding, give your wife re assurance, the 180, you name it. But again I'm lost for words as to what I should do. Has anyone been in this crappy situation? Wow I’ve just realized the long rant I’ve written, sorry guys....Maybe it’s time I should just throw in the towel?

[BetrayedH]

Pack her bags. Put them on the front lawn. Change the locks. And call the OM to come get them because she's moving in. File for divorce. If you see sufficient remorse from her thereafter, you can pause the proceedings. This is how you fight for your marriage.

 

By the way, temporary separations for the sake of finding oneself, "needing space," etc are all cheater-speak for, "Leave me alone so I can have my affair in peace."

 

No more Mr Nice guy. You can't nice them back. Burn the Harley books.

[road]

Pack her bags. Put them on the front lawn. Change the locks. And call the OM to come get them because she's moving in. File for divorce. If you see sufficient remorse from her thereafter, you can pause the proceedings. This is how you fight for your marriage.

 

By the way, temporary separations for the sake of finding oneself, "needing space," etc are all cheater-speak for, "Leave me alone so I can have my affair in peace."

 

No more Mr Nice guy. You can't nice them back. Burn the Harley books.

 

 

Do that because you need to legally protect yourself. Then get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. You need to learn how to kill this affair if you want to save your marriage.

[NotCamelot]

You need to learn how to kill this affair if you want to save your marriage.

 

This part is so true. IF YOU WANT HER, you have to put a stop to it. Since the OMs marriage is a bust, it may be tough.

 

And, yes, the "need to be alone" really means, I need to be alone with my AP.

 

Now, I think keeping her there in your home is the best way to work on this.

 

And, at this point you need to find out what the APs weak point is and go after him. Certainly he has one, but obviously it's not job or family..... hmmmm....

 

It sounds like you want to keep her and make things work.

 

There is a lot of advice here. Some is great and some is not so great. Take all of it and use what works for you. All of us have done what was best and what worked for us. That does not mean that all of our advice is going to work for you......a lot of it will.

 

And like so many here: Been there, done that, got the scars on my heart to prove it.

 

I wish you the best.

[BetrayedH]

I'd agree completely but I don't know if he's legally allowed to do that. I know it's against the law in my state. The rest is 100% spot on.

 

It's probably not legal, at least not the changing the locks bit.

 

That said, the successfully reconciled couples I know around here almost all started by the betrayed spouse packing the wayward's bags and wishing them well with their AP. Given a few weeks and the receipt of divorce papers, suddenly the wayward's tune changes. The fantasy affair, the blameshifting, and the fence-sitting is over. And if that doesn't happen, your filing fee is already paid for the divorce you need.

[BetrayedH]

Then get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

I'd bet my paycheck that he's already read SAA and HNHN, which is why he's been accepting unacceptable treatment.

[GorillaTheater]

It's probably not legal, at least not the changing the locks bit.

 

It's not "legal", per se, but in cases like this my response is "so what?"

 

She can seek an order to regain access, but that will cost her, and if she wants to make a big deal about it at that time or later, it's a perfect opportunity to respond with evidence of her affair and lying. What the judge will do with it all depends on the judge, but I don't see harsh sanctions for bagging her stuff up and leaving it at the curb or on the OM's doorstep. This is one of those times in my book where the legal risk is outweighed by the huge psychological impact.

[AlwaysGrowing]

clinical psychologist

 

Really!!!!!! Just goes to show, that you can lead a horse to water but cant make them drink.

 

Your best bet is to protect yourself. Close shop. Do.Not.Try.To.Fix.Her

 

Trying to fix another is a fools errand

 

Focus on yourself, move forward, protect your heart and your assets.

 

This isn't about punishing the ws or even trying to get them back..I mean really who the freak would want a mate that has this level of f87cked upness.

 

You have everything to gain to put all your personal resources towards yourself, you will be further along the healing continuum if the marriage dissolves.

[BetrayedH]

It's not "legal", per se, but in cases like this my response is "so what?"

 

She can seek an order to regain access, but that will cost her, and if she wants to make a big deal about it at that time or later, it's a perfect opportunity to respond with evidence of her affair and lying. What the judge will do with it all depends on the judge, but I don't see harsh sanctions for bagging her stuff up and leaving it at the curb or on the OM's doorstep. This is one of those times in my book where the legal risk is outweighed by the huge psychological impact.

 

I tend to agree (which is why I suggested it, I suppose). Welcome to a fairly natural consequence of cheating on your H. And yes, the wake-up call that it creates will likely far outweigh any regret you feel for doing it or the consequences that might arise from it (if any).

[Furious]

In my situation on my D-day I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well.

 

I was not going to humiliate myself with a pick me dance. I removed myself from a triangle I didn't even know existed.

 

Letting go is the scariest and hardest thing anyone can do but letting go of a toxic person or relationship is in a sense a reclaiming of your yourself and your self esteem.

 

Within a week I had my ducks in order and had consulted with a lawyer as to where I stood and got my finances in order. I still loved my husband but I was going to love myself more. I was broken and I had never felt so much pain but I knew I'd get back on my feet again one day.

 

Ironically a WS loses respect for a betrayed spouse who offers cheap forgiveness. The ego boost of having two people fight over them is intoxicating and they love fence sitting and it only prolongs the cruelty and dysfunction of a false reconciliation.

 

I had no intention to kill the affair, I encouraged my husband to go to the OW and wished them well. Who was I stand in the way of true love.

 

Letting go with as much dignity as you can muster is the hardest and scariest thing to do but in a sense it's also a reclaiming of who you are and self respect.

 

Save yourself and not the marriage. Only time will tell if your WS is truly remorseful and moves heaven and earth to regain your love and trust, if not you have your answer and you've laid the frame work to move forward in your life.

 

Self respect comes from within and that is the standard in which you navigate your relationships in your life. The sticker price for respect is set by you and whatever you set it at is what others are willing to pay or not pay for.

 

Be an elegant gentleman and remove yourself from toxicity coupled with self respect.

Edited August 22, 2013 by Furious

[BetrayedH]

In my situation on my D-day I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well.

 

I was not going to humiliate myself with a pick me dance. I removed myself from a triangle I didn't even know existed.

 

Letting go is the scariest and hardest thing anyone can do but letting go of a toxic person or relationship is in a sense a reclaiming of your yourself and your self esteem.

 

Within a week I had my ducks in order and had consulted with a lawyer as to where I stood and got my finances in order. I still loved my husband but I was going to love myself more. I was broken and I had never felt so much pain but I knew I'd get back on my feet again one day.

 

Ironically a WS loses respect for a betrayed spouse who offers cheap forgiveness. The ego boost of having two people fight over them is intoxicating and they love fence sitting and it only prolongs the cruelty and dysfunction of a false reconciliation.

 

I had no intention to kill the affair, I encouraged my husband to go to the OW and wished them well. Who was I stand in the way of true love.

 

Letting go with as much dignity as you can muster is the hardest and scariest thing to do but in a sense it's also a reclaiming of who you are and self respect.

 

Save yourself and not the marriage. Only time will tell if your WS is truly remorseful and moves heaven and earth to regain your love and trust, if not you have your answer and you've laid the frame work to move forward in your life.

 

Self respect comes from within and that is the standard in which you navigate your relationships in your life. The sticker price for respect is set by you and whatever you set it at is what others are willing to pay or not pay for.

 

Be an elegant gentleman and remove yourself from toxicity coupled with self respect.

 

Great post which I quoted in hopes that you'd read it twice.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

In my situation on my D-day I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well.

 

I was not going to humiliate myself with a pick me dance. I removed myself from a triangle I didn't even know existed.

 

Letting go is the scariest and hardest thing anyone can do but letting go of a toxic person or relationship is in a sense a reclaiming of your yourself and your self esteem.

 

Within a week I had my ducks in order and had consulted with a lawyer as to where I stood and got my finances in order. I still loved my husband but I was going to love myself more. I was broken and I had never felt so much pain but I knew I'd get back on my feet again one day.

 

Ironically a WS loses respect for a betrayed spouse who offers cheap forgiveness. The ego boost of having two people fight over them is intoxicating and they love fence sitting and it only prolongs the cruelty and dysfunction of a false reconciliation.

 

I had no intention to kill the affair, I encouraged my husband to go to the OW and wished them well. Who was I stand in the way of true love.

 

Letting go with as much dignity as you can muster is the hardest and scariest thing to do but in a sense it's also a reclaiming of who you are and self respect.

 

Save yourself and not the marriage. Only time will tell if your WS is truly remorseful and moves heaven and earth to regain your love and trust, if not you have your answer and you've laid the frame work to move forward in your life.

 

Self respect comes from within and that is the standard in which you navigate your relationships in your life. The sticker price for respect is set by you and whatever you set it at is what others are willing to pay or not pay for.

 

Be an elegant gentleman and remove yourself from toxicity coupled with self respect.

 

Cause it's just that good.

 

Stop trying. You can't fix crazy.

 

Live for yourself.

[Spark1111]

Well you've done everything you could man...

 

Tell her there will be no trial separation. You ARE DONE.

 

If she goes to her OM it is over. File for divorce and start dating.

 

Why shouldn't you have true love, appreciation and sexual chemistry with someone who RESPECTS you?

 

Believe you DESERVE it because you do.

 

She NEVER stopped lying to you. Why stay with someone you will most likely be unable to trust? That's a life-sentence. I see no remorse here for her actions, do you?

 

As for the OM, yep, that's a real affair-down and not uncommon.

 

Often people choose APs they can RESCUE, because rescuing someone else is very empowering to the weak ego.

 

It is also a diversion from the hard job of rescuing one's self.

 

With her degree, she should know that. What happened in her childhood? many a person picks the field to overcome early issues. Unfortunately, they tend to intellectualize their feelings and bandaid them.

 

they help others but rarely themselves. too painful.

 

her affair has NOTHING to do with you, except that you may be too healthy and stable to allow her to reenact some early childhood dramas.

 

Stop trying to fix this. You can't. You didn't cause it even though she is using you as an excuse.

 

Walk away now and devote yourself to making your life better.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Often people choose APs they can RESCUE, because rescuing someone else is very empowering to the weak ego.

 

It is also a diversion from the hard job of rescuing one's self.

 

Truth.

 

The dating pool for a married person is very shallow, most could drown in a raindrop.

 

Don't

Even

Think

About

Changing

Her/Him

Edited August 22, 2013 by AlwaysGrowing

[drifter777]

clinical psychologist

 

Really!!!!!! Just goes to show, that you can lead a horse to water but cant make them drink.

 

Actually, this is not true. You just hold the horses head under water and suck on his ass hole. Which is pretty much what the OP is doing with his wife.

 

Your wife doesn't love you and wants a divorce. You don't have children. Let this thing go and start your life over again. You get a "do-over" - take advantage of it.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Actually, this is not true. You just hold the horses head under water and suck on his ass hole. Which is pretty much what the OP is doing with his wife.

 

Your wife doesn't love you and wants a divorce. You don't have children. Let this thing go and start your life over again. You get a "do-over" - take advantage of it.

 

Friends we have a love shack quote of the week. Nominee!

[aliveagain]

They always affair down, they need someone that is in a worse place than they are so they can feel good about themselves. Talk to a lawyer, protect your finances and please, Do Not Start A Family With Her, go 180 on her. It's probable that she never stopped her affair but took it underground. Start the paperwork because separations are just a test drive of the other guy without the guilt of coming home to face you. You can always stop the divorce if you see real change, they take time and you can stop it anytime up to the final decree. She needs to know you mean business.

[janedoe67]

I say this as a FWW. Print betrayed h's and furious' posts and tape them to your mirror.

[serial muse]

Looks like it's unanimous, OP. You can do so much better - take that do-over, as drifter said. Onward and upward.

[Try]

By the way, temporary separations for the sake of finding oneself, "needing space," etc are all cheater-speak for, "Leave me alone so I can have my affair in peace."

If you believe nothing else from this site, please believe the above quote from BetrayedH. She kissed the other man (OM) and now wants to be with him without interference from you. This is the best time to take your last stand at saving your marraige. Tell her that if she separates that you know that no matter what she says now, she will be with the OM. Tell her that you have too much self respect to be her chuckold and that you will have no choice but to file for divorce and mean it. I do not know what she will choose, but I do not that the odds do not get better. If she leaves anyway, file and do not look back. You would know in your heart that you did your best.

 

One more thing. As a man with no children, you will be shocked at how many friends will have women friends that will be interested in you once you have filed for divorce. For a variety of reasons, women have the upper hand at dating when you are in your 20s. The odds even out at 30 and only get better for men as you get older. In other words, with a good job and no children, you are more deisred by women today then you were when you were first dating your wife. You will have more and better options.

[Bryanp]

Get tested for STD's

See a lawyer immediate and file.

She is absolutely toxic to you.

 

How much more humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? If you do not respect yourself then who will?......Enough is Enough!!!

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

According to her she was so sick of his stalking

 

then they kissed!!!!

 

she needs to be honest with herself about her happiness

 

she doesn't really love me anymore.

 

She says she knows this other man is bad for her

 

wants to be away, to see if she misses me, longs for me

 

cant lie to herself about the way she feels

 

I’ve tried the ‘be understanding, give your wife re assurance, the 180

 

Common theme: she can't deny herself happiness. Meaning: other man makes her happy (even if she doesn't love him, screwing him sure feels good).

 

While she is away from you, she will be having sex with him. She will not miss you while having sex with him.

 

I'm not sure what your question is. It's not like you can stop her from doing any of this.

 

You tried being understanding, giving her reassurance, and the 180? You couldn't have tried any of them for long. The 180 is a particularly long road that leads to detachment. For your benefit. So you can detach and move on. Not to get her back. You definitely did not stay on that road for very long.

 

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." This was a popular saying when I was growing up. Was plastered on T-shirts and coffee mugs and such. I never particularly believed it or liked it, but your post reminded me of it. We used to change the last line from "If it doesn't, it never was," to "If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it." People of my age will remember it.

 

My advice is to let her go and move on. File for divorce. When she realizes you will not always be there for her, she may come back. About that I say: "Be careful what you wish for."

Edited August 23, 2013 by Mickey_Fitzpatrick

[LimeBlue]

Pack her bags. Put them on the front lawn. Change the locks. And call the OM to come get them because she's moving in. File for divorce. If you see sufficient remorse from her thereafter, you can pause the proceedings. This is how you fight for your marriage.

 

I agree with most of your posts, but not this one.

 

Had my H done this when I was having/ending my A, I would have picked up the stuff he had thrown out, gotten into my car, and left. I guarantee he would never have seen me again. Ever.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I agree with most of your posts, but not this one.

 

Had my H done this when I was having/ending my A, I would have picked up the stuff he had thrown out, gotten into my car, and left. I guarantee he would never have seen me again. Ever.

 

In this case, I believe that's the point.

[road]

I agree with most of your posts, but not this one.

 

Had my H done this when I was having/ending my A, I would have picked up the stuff he had thrown out, gotten into my car, and left. I guarantee he would never have seen me again. Ever.

 

 

You would be surprised how effective that works on a WW. And, saying what you would do if it happened to you is different from it actually happened to you.