smoky eyes Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 I left my boyfriend of 5 years about 6 months ago. There were a lot of reasons: his commitment phobia, infidelity (disguised as an open relationship but he was not playing on my terms), sexual incompatibility, never-ending long distance, and a lingering feeling that there was something else out there for me. I was leaving anyway, but then I met someone amazing and it all happened in a rush. Despite all that I listed above my ex was a great guy, loving, generous and supportive, although we had some truly awful moments. The break-up destroyed him, we spent months circling, he proposed, offered me everything, and said that he feels so alone in the world (parents dead, brother an idiot, grandfather has dementia, not many friends due to working abroad for a long time, etc.) I know I had to end the relationship. I know the man I'm with now is better for me than my ex was even at the beginning, and there's no way I want to lose that. I don't even think I'm the best person out there to make my ex happy. But the drama of the break-up keeps haunting me. I don't know if I want forgiveness or friendship or to be there for him in some way. He went NC on me a few months ago. I understand, and even for me, being in contact with him and his pain and devastation was harrowing. But I can't seem to fully get over it. I feel sad and guilty, not every day, but when things trigger me to think of him. Is this going to go away? Is it normal to feel so extremely this way? Is this just the mourning period? Do I need to get over myself?
TigerCub Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Hey smokey-eyes, After what you described, I can totally understand the emotions you are going through. You've shared a big chunk of your life with this person, and for the most part you feel that they were good to you, and that's why you feel guilty for causing them pain. But if you truly believe that you two aren't the right fit for each other, then you did the right thing. There is no point second guessing and feeling bad. Break ups hurt and as painful as it is for him, he will get over it in time. Respect his NC, and give it time for the both of you to get the distance and the space to truly move on. You did not intentionally hurt him - break ups hurt, and this one sounded like the right move. Forgive yourself and keep moving forward.
health Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 I left my boyfriend of 5 years about 6 months ago. There were a lot of reasons: his commitment phobia, infidelity (disguised as an open relationship but he was not playing on my terms), sexual incompatibility, never-ending long distance, and a lingering feeling that there was something else out there for me. I was leaving anyway, but then I met someone amazing and it all happened in a rush. Despite all that I listed above my ex was a great guy, loving, generous and supportive, although we had some truly awful moments. The break-up destroyed him, we spent months circling, he proposed, offered me everything, and said that he feels so alone in the world (parents dead, brother an idiot, grandfather has dementia, not many friends due to working abroad for a long time, etc.) I know I had to end the relationship. I know the man I'm with now is better for me than my ex was even at the beginning, and there's no way I want to lose that. I don't even think I'm the best person out there to make my ex happy. But the drama of the break-up keeps haunting me. I don't know if I want forgiveness or friendship or to be there for him in some way. He went NC on me a few months ago. I understand, and even for me, being in contact with him and his pain and devastation was harrowing. But I can't seem to fully get over it. I feel sad and guilty, not every day, but when things trigger me to think of him. Is this going to go away? Is it normal to feel so extremely this way? Is this just the mourning period? Do I need to get over myself? Open relationships naturally tend to get very messy. This sounds like a lot of unfocused emotional energy. It is natural for you to feel that way, cause that's what happens in break ups. If you're with a new person and didn't really process the old break up, that can get tricky as well. You've got to mourn completely and thoroughly but are set in a new relationship. It's a deeper situation with no quick and easy answers like "getting over yourself" I mean it sounds like you've tried that but can't seem to kick it. I think if you find your self mourning the old relationship, mourn it out. I wouldn't suggest talking to your ex cause that just prolongs the healing. Keep moving forward as best as you can. Heal as best as you can as well.
imtooconfused Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 TigerCub has some good advice... But if you truly believe that you two aren't the right fit for each other, then you did the right thing. There is no point second guessing and feeling bad. It sounds like you are 100% certain that the breakup was the right thing. Like TigerCub says, stop the second guessing. Feel confident that your current partner is right. Even if things should happen to go wrong with the current partner, don't even think about going back to the EX. It's over and there should be no turning back. Break ups hurt and as painful as it is for him, he will get over it in time. As much as you think that by being a friend to him, at this point it will only cause him more pain. Rest assured that being away from you will allow him to heal. And like health says, you need to mourn the loss too, in which case contacting him will only prolong your pain. Respect his NC, and give it time for the both of you to get the distance and the space to truly move on. My feeling is that you need to commit to NC so that you can move beyond your past relationship. For your own well being, go through the motions of your own initiation of NC and block all manner that he can communicate with you.
ChooseTruth Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Is this going to go away? Is it normal to feel so extremely this way? Is this just the mourning period? Do I need to get over myself? YEs, Yes, Yes, and err I dunno what you mean I think 6 months isn't really all that long. I dunno, it's relative I guess. I'm over a year out from my separation from my Ex of ~18 years and I'm still plagued by crazy thoughts every day. (Probably doesn't help that the divorce STILL isn't final =\ )
Author smoky eyes Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 Thanks everyone, I needed to hear this. I guess I was trapped in these feelings and felt like a) I'm not allowed to suffer as the dumper and b) I deserve to be unhappy since I hurt him so much. I was getting close to sending him an email but I'll knuckle down and not do that. Thanks again. 1
If-I-Only-Knew Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Definitely do not email him. Don't give him any sense of false hope that you two are getting back together.
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