affairaddict Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Out of mere curiosity: Looking back how did your husband treat you during the affair? Was he sharp with you snappy, and telling you you nag too much? Was he extra nice? Or was he the same? Did you notice his behaviour was different? WS if any here did you notice you were behaving differently? Please answer the questions specified many thanks
NotCamelot Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 As the BS: My wife started treating me better, MOST of the time. More sex, more ILY, more hugs & kisses. And a lot more terms of endearment: baby, dear, honey, etc. Strange.....
Author affairaddict Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 I don't think strange I think it goes to extremes either way
BetrayedH Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 My wife was always a bit emotionally stunted. She's a task-oriented person; I'm the more introspective one. None of that changed during her affair. But the sex life changed dramatically. We were in a very low sex marriage prior to the affair (her choice). It was once or twice every month or two. During the affair, it ramped up to twice a week. I thought we had finally turned a corner. I think her thought process was that if she was getting hers on the side and keeping it hidden, she owed it to me to also have a decent sex life. It was also a way of telling herself that she was "working on the marriage." I'm tempted to agree with you that it's at one extreme or the other. A lot of BSs are treated like crap during the affair. But then again, some would say that there were absolutely no discernable changes whatsoever (which I would suppose would be an intentional attempt not to raise any red flags).
Betrayed&Stayed Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 During my wife's affair she distanced herself from me. She avoided me which was easy because of our work schedules. She even had me cancel a vacation that we had planned because she didn't want to be alone with me for a long weekend. When she couldn't void me she avoided eye contact, conversation, sex, etc. I got the cold PMS-vide during her 3 month affair. I kept asking her what was wrong, and got empty replies. I chalked it up as depression until she ended the affair. After 3 months she returned to "normal".
Spotme Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Ah hell, I typed out the whole long story and LS ate it. EA of 9 months and PA of 4 months. First half of EA, H starts working excessively long hours in part due to project but also in part pulling away. H is not sleeping or eating and having digestive issues when he does eat. H is tired, grumpy, and withdrawn. I express concern and am told it will get better when project is over. Second half of EA, H is still not sleeping or eating, still tired, grumpy and withdrawn and has become passive-aggressive. Tells me that he feels distant from us, that he will cut back on hours and I in return am to have dinner on the table and provide more affection and sex (sex was 2-3 times per week already - not a sexless marriage). H goes through the motions of fewer hours but basically ignores me and expects me to initiate all affection and sex. I, shamefully, go into overdrive trying to respond to all his needs while getting nothing from him. I also tried to get him to either quit and go get the advanced degree he wanted or get another job. He becomes obsessed with money, starts wearing much younger style clothing, has lost 50 lbs and looks like a scarecrow, and has started yelling at our daughter a lot for no reason. PA, almost complete disconnection, except for sex. Otherwise H was distant and passive-aggressive. I felt a lot of blame and condemnation for just about everything about my life/me, even for choices we had made as a couple. I started to contemplate how much I was beginning to dislike him. I started to contemplate moving back home without him. I flat out told him to quit his job so we could change our lives. He said he wasn't ready. Then our daughter told me she thought it was her fault he was always yelling at her. That was a crystallizing moment for me. I was on the path to divorce. Luckily for H, DDay happened a few weeks later.
Spark1111 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 At first, tired, with drawn, disconnected. We chalked it up to the stress of his new, high-powered job. sex dwindled from three times to twice a week. Then he started to grow angrier, more critical of me and the kids, friends, family. he seemed depressed or only happy for brief times and almost never with me. When asked, the response always was the job or " nothing." Then he started to nit-pick and pick fights with me so he could storm off.
Spark1111 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 PS: Also became obsessed with money. We were deeply in debt, so at first it was NOT a red flag. But over time he became more selfish in that it was his money, earmarked for his goals. In retrospect, I think he thought if he could stockpile enough funds, he could sail off into the sunset with his OW with less guilt.... Which is ironic. I learned to live off of my salary and I received a few promotions. when DDay hit, I could AFFORD to pack his bags and wish them well. 1
Spotme Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 PS: Also became obsessed with money. We were deeply in debt, so at first it was NOT a red flag. But over time he became more selfish in that it was his money, earmarked for his goals. In retrospect, I think he thought if he could stockpile enough funds, he could sail off into the sunset with his OW with less guilt.... Which is ironic. I learned to live off of my salary and I received a few promotions. when DDay hit, I could AFFORD to pack his bags and wish them well. We had more money than we had ever had in our lives when my H became obsessed with it. I think there were vague concerns of the cost of supporting two households because he assumed our marriage would be over, but even so I think the two other factors at play were his insecurity, which the money issue was a new expression of, and the influence of the OW. She had clawed her way up from a very poor, extremely dysfunctional childhood. I think in her mind the lack of money and the humiliation accompanying that and the abuse she suffered are so intrinsically linked in her that as an adult, she places an extremely high value on having money and being a respected professional as expressions of worth. He would not be her equal from that perspective while having to pay child support and alimony. 1
JourneyLady Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 He started finding things wrong and putting me in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. He wanted me to set aside time to be with him and complained I was too busy when he came home. So the next night I would not be busy when he came home, and he immediately went to his home office to "do some work". I'd be wanting him to help me complete some projects around the house for some time and suddenly he was complaining because I was "not a full partner" to him. (I guess he meant by that I was not working outside the home - yet he'd told me early on he didn't want me to work unless I had to.) He started snapping at me a lot and getting angry for little things like he never had before. Then he'd apologize and say work was getting to him. One thing he could NOT complain about was not getting sex. It was far more we were having that last year than the whole marriage except first year we met. :-) I had been feeling shortchanged by him in the sex department before that time. But I was being assertive and mistakenly thought it was helping.
JourneyLady Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 At first, tired, with drawn, disconnected. We chalked it up to the stress of his new, high-powered job. sex dwindled from three times to twice a week. Then he started to grow angrier, more critical of me and the kids, friends, family. he seemed depressed or only happy for brief times and almost never with me. When asked, the response always was the job or " nothing." Then he started to nit-pick and pick fights with me so he could storm off. Yes - very similar to what happened to me. Except the sex, but as I said, I became more aggressive about it and it probably did "make him feel better" just in the moment.
Spark1111 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 We had more money than we had ever had in our lives when my H became obsessed with it. I think there were vague concerns of the cost of supporting two households because he assumed our marriage would be over, but even so I think the two other factors at play were his insecurity, which the money issue was a new expression of, and the influence of the OW. She had clawed her way up from a very poor, extremely dysfunctional childhood. I think in her mind the lack of money and the humiliation accompanying that and the abuse she suffered are so intrinsically linked in her that as an adult, she places an extremely high value on having money and being a respected professional as expressions of worth. He would not be her equal from that perspective while having to pay child support and alimony. Ahh, Spotme....we have so much in common with our scenarios. Ironic to note, he viewed her as a victim of her mean xH. Poor girl, she never had that, so he recused her by giving it to her. each man she dated was a stepping stone to a bigger financial goal. last I heard, she's building a home near the water. 1
Spark1111 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 He started finding things wrong and putting me in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. He wanted me to set aside time to be with him and complained I was too busy when he came home. So the next night I would not be busy when he came home, and he immediately went to his home office to "do some work". I'd be wanting him to help me complete some projects around the house for some time and suddenly he was complaining because I was "not a full partner" to him. (I guess he meant by that I was not working outside the home - yet he'd told me early on he didn't want me to work unless I had to.) He started snapping at me a lot and getting angry for little things like he never had before. Then he'd apologize and say work was getting to him. One thing he could NOT complain about was not getting sex. It was far more we were having that last year than the whole marriage except first year we met. :-) I had been feeling shortchanged by him in the sex department before that time. But I was being assertive and mistakenly thought it was helping. This is the lose-lose for the BS in the triangle that they do not even knows exist! you are the persecutor, so you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. My H began complaining, whining about all the perceived lack of support. It's part and parcel of creating a negative world with the spouse so they have generated reasons to run back to the AP. His particular pet peeve was the property maintenance and how no one helped him. when I saw the bank statements, and what he spent on the AP, I thought immediately...Wow, we could have hired a gardener. and I told him so. LOUDLY. With some choice words thrown in.
ComingInHot Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 My story much like journey's, day after day of manipulative head games. Hotcoldhotcoldhotcoldhotcold etc... but the sex always raging inferno. It was the One constant. But ya, hotcoldhotcoldhotcoldhotcoldhotcold......
Daisy2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 exWS here. Not sure if my answer is what you are looking for. I had given up and shut down already. Looking back, when the A began, I quit seeking H's affection and attention and quit asking him where he was going. He has always lived his own life, hanging out with his family, has never made me feel like we were family. He didn't cheat or do anything wrong per se, just emotionally absent. Sex is very infrequent anyway, due to me. No emotional attachment, so no desire. But I'm working on that now and am trying to be more responsive.
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Out of mere curiosity: Looking back how did your husband treat you during the affair? looking back he was dying inside from guilt and making himself physically ill. At the time- it seemed like he was having a health issue that had him quasi incapacitated for a day or two every couple of weeks, combined with stress from family (legit) and job (legit) Was he sharp with you snappy, and telling you you nag too much? no, never Was he extra nice? Or was he the same? it seemed fine at the time. Now that I know what he was doing I feel like an idiot Did you notice his behaviour was different? yes, but I'm very observant- I was worried about him. Now, looking back, I would like to have a time machine so I could go back in time and slap myself in the face for being so dumb WS if any here did you notice you were behaving differently? Please answer the questions specified many thanks I understand curiosity because I'm always curious about stuff I don't understand-- but is that really why you asked this Q? Are you just curious, or are you trying to figure something out in your own life?
ladydesigner Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Out of mere curiosity: Looking back how did your husband treat you during the affair? Horribly, he was very distant and cold. He would create fights with me over little senseless things. He started to not look at me or the kids, would walk right past us as if we didn't exist. Was he sharp with you snappy, and telling you you nag too much? Absolutely! One time I invited WH to come and join me and the kids and my mother for breakfast and he flipped said he was living his life for himself! Okaaaay Was he extra nice? Or was he the same? He was not nice at all Did you notice his behaviour was different? Yes WS if any here did you notice you were behaving differently? When I was a MOW I compartmentalized really well. My WH was unaware of it. He never questioned me. Please answer the questions specified many thanks Answers in bold
Coolit Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 Asked my H and he said there was no change. The only thing that stood out in his mind was the one night I snuck off with xMM he remembers that day me being jittery. But as I suffer with boughts of restlessness he chalked it up to that. I was jittery because xMM and I were heating this up between us but our attempts to hook up were being thwarted by his wife. I was such an idiot.
compulsivedancer Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 I understand curiosity because I'm always curious about stuff I don't understand-- but is that really why you asked this Q? Are you just curious, or are you trying to figure something out in your own life? (Correct me if I'm wrong AA) It sounds to me like she's doing the same thing that you do, Better, just from the OW side. She's trying to figure out the other side (the BS). She's trying to figure out what her MM was thinking when he was with her. It's easy to buy the story he tells while it's happening, but it's really interesting to have a forum at your fingertips and be able to actually see what the BS is/was experiencing and see how it compares to what you thought she was happening. 2
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 (Correct me if I'm wrong AA) It sounds to me like she's doing the same thing that you do, Better, just from the OW side. She's trying to figure out the other side (the BS). She's trying to figure out what her MM was thinking when he was with her. It's easy to buy the story he tells while it's happening, but it's really interesting to have a forum at your fingertips and be able to actually see what the BS is/was experiencing and see how it compares to what you thought she was happening. I figured I ask a lot of indirect questions so her question reminded me of me. AA- I don't know about you, but my brain can do a few different things with info about other people. It could make me say "xbf isn't as bad as that guy!" When I read something really horrible, so if I wanted to I could have made excuses for him and justify my decision to stay with someone who was clearly trying to manipulate me. I was planning on just letting xbf finish out the lease here and LS helped me kick him out instead. But not because other posters told me to kick him out. I didn't need that advice. I already knew I needed to get rid of him before I came on LS. I just didnt want to let go of the imaginary person I thought he was for so long. On day one of being here i got advice to kick him out and run run run away from him but in my head I was like "yeah I know I should do that, but I'm not going to because blah blah blah (I had a few excuses) And questions i asked like the one you asked here are really what helped me. I hope what I just said made sense.
Author affairaddict Posted August 24, 2013 Author Posted August 24, 2013 Sorry, was just wondering really. Curious.. Also starting to feel shame - never felt shame before when I initiated NC but I think now I've walked for good and I'm adamant I'm slowly coming out of the deluded foggy phase. Like its like I compartmentalised too as I totally switched off about his life at home never thought of it. It's like it didn't exist. Weird. Now I'm realising yes it did and maybe there were problems /are problems that I've caused 50 percent of as its highly unlikely everything is just rosy and hunky dory unless he is really unaffected and extra great at compartmentalising too. Anyway yeah I feel shame in some respects because it would be horrible to have a bf and think something's up all the time. So hoping its not like that of course thus to prevent this guilt. Anyway over a month out working on myself and shame is part of the healing. 1
BetrayedH Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 Sorry, was just wondering really. Curious.. Also starting to feel shame - never felt shame before when I initiated NC but I think now I've walked for good and I'm adamant I'm slowly coming out of the deluded foggy phase. Like its like I compartmentalised too as I totally switched off about his life at home never thought of it. It's like it didn't exist. Weird. Now I'm realising yes it did and maybe there were problems /are problems that I've caused 50 percent of as its highly unlikely everything is just rosy and hunky dory unless he is really unaffected and extra great at compartmentalising too. Anyway yeah I feel shame in some respects because it would be horrible to have a bf and think something's up all the time. So hoping its not like that of course thus to prevent this guilt. Anyway over a month out working on myself and shame is part of the healing. I once read that the difference between guilt and shame is that guilt is feeling badly about what you've done to others and shame is still focusing on yourself. My hope is that you'll continue to move from on from feeling shame and towards focusing on others. I think when that happens, you're going to feel an urge to come clean with the betrayed fiance. And when you do, I think that will truly signal when your fog has cleared.
whatatangledweb Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 Our relationship never changed. We have always gotten along very well. He was not moody, snippy, nothing, it is why I was so blindsighted when I found out.
Author affairaddict Posted August 24, 2013 Author Posted August 24, 2013 Well I have trouble feeling guilty as I never met her. I am focussing on myself hence why I left. I won't be telling like most AP. even if I wanted to I have no way of contacting her. She has no msg function on her facebook . I don't know where they live. I've come so far with the NC I'd be a fool to go back. I know it hurts BS to hear that but it's my choice. I'm forgiving myself and can do so fully without telling the BS. I almost think if it was meant to have had a D day it would have happened. I also have no idea if he's told. Anyway he has issues to cheat , I had issues to get involved. I'm working on them. He needs to man up and work on his. 1
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 Well I have trouble feeling guilty as I never met her. I am focussing on myself hence why I left. I won't be telling like most AP. even if I wanted to I have no way of contacting her. She has no msg function on her facebook . I don't know where they live. I've come so far with the NC I'd be a fool to go back. I know it hurts BS to hear that but it's my choice. I'm forgiving myself and can do so fully without telling the BS. I almost think if it was meant to have had a D day it would have happened. I also have no idea if he's told. Anyway he has issues to cheat , I had issues to get involved. I'm working on them. He needs to man up and work on his. Congrats on sticking to the NC- that can't be easy. I hope NC is making you feel stronger and giving you your life back. 1
Recommended Posts