unicornioblanco Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 (edited) This message is long and with poor english, but I really need some help. Thanks in advance to those who will take the time to read. My ex and I were together for 7 months, after knowing each other for half a year and being in a non-strings attached relationship. When I felt I was falling in love with him, I decided to end things and two days after he came back asking me to be his girlfriend, he didn't want to lose me but I just needed to give him some time because he has never been for too long in a relationship and they all have been unfulfilling and dramatic because he could never be himself around these girls, but he knew he could be who he really was with me. Things started slowly but after the day he said he loved me, everything just became like a dream. He said he knew I was the girl for him, that he dreamed about marrying me and having children with me, he would always talk about it even more than I did and always reminded me that I was the first girl he ever felt that way for and I know it's true, I could feel it and always heard that from his friends and later from his family... everybody was so happy that we had found each other since we are both a bit weird and hard to understand. We used to spend a lot of time together, even though we both knew it wasn't entirely healthy for the relationship... it's just not something that we like and it was too soon, but I was having a hard time at the moment and he didn't want to leave me alone dealing with my problems and it slowly started to affected our sexual life which had always been amazing, full of freedom and trust… but he never dared to tell me he needed more space, space i know he needed to work on his master thesis and to play with his band. I would have been totally OK with that, but I was feeling vulnerable, he never told me how he really felt and problems came in june. We had some discussions and we were about to break up 2 times in the last month of the relationship, but tried hard to stay because we knew everything was going to get better when I could figure things out and could find a better place to live than the one I had (we did not live together), besides we had already booked a trip to south Croatia together. Even though things were a little shaky, we traveled together and it was just magical, like no problems between us existed and we were just perfect. We came back to Denmark full of hope and then after 1 week, we had another discussion for something stupid I did, I admit, I'm just weird sometimes. I had just found a new place to live and once I went to spend the night with him, when I came in the afternoon everything seemed ok and by midnight when he came to bed, I could feel he was not the same, we started to talk and boom! "I'm sorry but I just don't feel the same anymore, I don't think I love you. And lately it was been hard for me even to kiss you. It's hard for me too, I don't understand how it happened but I think I'm better off alone. I want to remain friends because I deeply care about you and I just love you as a person". I just wasn't expecting that and it completely broke my heart. It has been 5 weeks since we broke up and there's nothing I want more than getting back together, but somehow I just feel that there is just no chance of that happening. I love him as a man but also as a human being, I love his mind and the way he sees the world and that is why I want to try to be his friend and because I feel that if I love him the way I do, I just have to let him go and as we both say "it's just hard to imagine not being in each other's life". We have seen each other once per week since the break up, first 3 times I led to that situation, the next two it was him who proposed it. First two it was for coffee and meeting in public places so we could avoid uncomfortable intimate situations, but then the third one was at his place and I could feel how much we both wanted to be intimate again, even though he said that he didn't want to even kiss me before we broke up this time he said there was no woman he could desire more than me but that he knew being intimate would be a huge mistake, still mistakes were made and we have had sex the last three times. I don't feel bad about it, there is just too much passion and we cannot seem to control it, everybody think that in this kind of situation it is just a man using a woman, but I also feel desire, I enjoy it and I don't believe one can be used when actually agree to do something, we own our body and unless we are forced it is our decision to share it with whoever we want. Of course it is hard because I know that the fact he wants to have sex with me doesn't mean that he still loves me or wants to get back… but the sex is not what confuses me so to speak. When we meet I never talk about what happened, we have a lot of things in common and i just enjoy his company, besides I have always remained friends with most of my ex-boyfriends and weird as it may sound, it's just easier for me to cope this way; if the person I break up with or breaks up with me starts treating me as a friend, I sort of get used but again I try to never speak too much about what happened and the problem here is that he is the one who always brings the topic to the conversation. Asking me how I feel and if it isn't too hard for me what we are doing, when I tell him it's hard but I'm OK, then he says he is maybe asking those questions to himself and he is just scared everything will be confusing and we will end up hurting each other even more, he specially gets scared when we start doing things we did when we were a couple and sometimes he just naturally calls me those loving names he used to have for me and always goes: "You see what I mean? It just happens. I get caught in the situation and cannot control these things happening, that's what scares me". He has said he misses me , that I'm still the sweetest person to him and that he thinks about me a lot, that this is not easy for him even though he is the one who broke up, that he wonders everyday why can't it work when we mean what we mean to each other and that there is nothing he wishes more that having those strong love feelings for me again, but he just can't. He says we don't know what will happen in the future when there was so much love between us and that he thinks we shouldn't see other people because he knows deep inside is not what we both want and need now (I know, sounds very selfish, but knowing his background, the way he was raised, I cannot totally blame him or hate him for that) but that for the time being he feels he made the right decision, specially when he thinks of how much he has enjoyed his loneliness (he has been living alone for 7 years and has had just one 4 months relationship in that time) and how much he has been able to focus and work on his master thesis during these weeks without me, considering he was just one month left to hand it in. I know it was long but if someone could give me any advice, I would be eternally grateful. I know I can move on, I know I can love again, I was married before for 3 years and I do know it is possible to find someone special agin, but I also know this man is the love of my life, that kind that just comes once, the one you really give everything to. I know I can let go and I'm trying hard to move on and find a lot of things to do that keep my mind away from this, I haven't stopped living my life because of this but should I keep any hope? Does it seem worth to wait and see what happens? Thank you again. Edited August 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Faith13/2 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 As you stated you know you can move on and you know you can love again. I think that's exactly what you should do. That doesn't mean you have to give up on this guy completely, you could just continue you on with your life and relationships with other people. If this guy decides at any time he may want to try things with you again and you're up for it, then so be it. Your English is quite well actually, assuming it's not your first language 1
Author unicornioblanco Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 (edited) As you stated you know you can move on and you know you can love again. I think that's exactly what you should do. That doesn't mean you have to give up on this guy completely, you could just continue you on with your life and relationships with other people. If this guy decides at any time he may want to try things with you again and you're up for it, then so be it. Your English is quite well actually, assuming it's not your first language Thank you! I'm trying not to text him or anything and just reply when he writes to me or calls. But do you think I should continue to see him like we do now? I'm glad to hear, my first language is spanish Edited August 23, 2013 by unicornioblanco
Faith13/2 Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Thank you! I'm trying not to text him or anything and just reply when he writes to me or calls. But do you think I should continue to see him like we do now? I'm glad to hear, my first language is spanish That would all depend, do you think it's doing you any good or is it making your emotions worse? I know because you care for him being around him is something that you probably enjoy, but at the same time if he possibly isn't trying to get back together it may prolong you getting over him. 1
Author unicornioblanco Posted August 24, 2013 Author Posted August 24, 2013 First of all, thank you, you have no idea how much I appreciate your advice and help. I don't live in my home country anymore, so I have no family here and most of my friends are traveling at the moment since we have summer vacation Well, i don't know... I do enjoy being around him a lot but I have little to no hope that we are getting back together and every time he does something that confuses me, I try to think of the day we broke up and the pain I felt and it immediately reminds me where I stand now: "In love with someone who said doesn't love me anymore, but who I also enjoy having around". It's true that the day after meeting up, I'm always thinking about him a lot and I feel a little bit sad, but as the days go by, I simply think there is not much I can do so even though I miss him, I'm kind of getting used to the situation and like I said I have stopped texting him and all 'cause I don't want to push him even further. Basically I wanted a second opinion on the matter, because even though I normally have stayed friends with my ex boyfriends, I also close the door and move on... but this time it has just been harder to let go and pretend breaking up was just meant to happen. We had some minor discussions but other than that we were perfect together, friends and lovers and always reminded each other of how lucky we were to have found each other since we are both kind of "special" I want to see him but I don't know if that would actually ruin any chance I might have. Thank you again and have a nice day! That would all depend, do you think it's doing you any good or is it making your emotions worse? I know because you care for him being around him is something that you probably enjoy, but at the same time if he possibly isn't trying to get back together it may prolong you getting over him.
Faith13/2 Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 First of all, thank you, you have no idea how much I appreciate your advice and help. I don't live in my home country anymore, so I have no family here and most of my friends are traveling at the moment since we have summer vacation Well, i don't know... I do enjoy being around him a lot but I have little to no hope that we are getting back together and every time he does something that confuses me, I try to think of the day we broke up and the pain I felt and it immediately reminds me where I stand now: "In love with someone who said doesn't love me anymore, but who I also enjoy having around". It's true that the day after meeting up, I'm always thinking about him a lot and I feel a little bit sad, but as the days go by, I simply think there is not much I can do so even though I miss him, I'm kind of getting used to the situation and like I said I have stopped texting him and all 'cause I don't want to push him even further. Basically I wanted a second opinion on the matter, because even though I normally have stayed friends with my ex boyfriends, I also close the door and move on... but this time it has just been harder to let go and pretend breaking up was just meant to happen. We had some minor discussions but other than that we were perfect together, friends and lovers and always reminded each other of how lucky we were to have found each other since we are both kind of "special" I want to see him but I don't know if that would actually ruin any chance I might have. Thank you again and have a nice day! I personally feel you need to engage NC.(no contact) Don't message him, don't speak to him, hide or get rid of anything that reminds you of him. Remove him from all social networks. If he wanted to be with you and still cared he'd make the effort to get back into your life. As you said though you don't see much hope of that happening. Why prolong your closure?
SMALLTOWNBLUES Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 Sorry about what youre going through! Mixed signals are hard to read! Keep your head up! NC helps!
supaflyz Posted August 25, 2013 Posted August 25, 2013 It happens. I didn't expect to get dump either. It came out of the blue. I mean we had an argument the day before. I just didn't expect that. I even brought her a flower from my garden and some chocolates that I bought. It was an exam day as well. Some people are just like that. It has nothing to do with you. Don't blame yourself. You are not a bad person nor you did anything wrong. They just chose to let you go.
Author unicornioblanco Posted August 26, 2013 Author Posted August 26, 2013 I personally feel you need to engage NC.(no contact) Don't message him, don't speak to him, hide or get rid of anything that reminds you of him. Remove him from all social networks. If he wanted to be with you and still cared he'd make the effort to get back into your life. As you said though you don't see much hope of that happening. Why prolong your closure? Well, I saw him last tuesday before I posted my story here and I haven't contacted him ever since, so 6 days!!! and I plan to continue The only thing is that I will wait to delete him from facebook a bit longer, now I'm feeling like I can handle the situation and I don't want to seem so hurt and destroyed that I cannot even have him in a social media that I rarely use at the moment... one step at a time I guess. It has helped a lot to read other stories and the advices I have gotten here and at least I have stopped wondering what I did wrong, now I know, it wasn't me... it was HIM all along and there is nothing I can or should do Thank you.
Author unicornioblanco Posted August 26, 2013 Author Posted August 26, 2013 Sorry about what youre going through! Mixed signals are hard to read! Keep your head up! NC helps! Thanks. I know, when we are in love, we see sometimes what we want and not the reality. I haven't contacted him since the last time I saw him, so 6 long days but planning to continue
Author unicornioblanco Posted August 26, 2013 Author Posted August 26, 2013 It happens. I didn't expect to get dump either. It came out of the blue. I mean we had an argument the day before. I just didn't expect that. I even brought her a flower from my garden and some chocolates that I bought. It was an exam day as well. Some people are just like that. It has nothing to do with you. Don't blame yourself. You are not a bad person nor you did anything wrong. They just chose to let you go. Thanks for you words!! Now after 6 weeks I finally understood that, it was not my fault. I only loved him, understood him and took care of him like no one else did before, this has nothing to do with me... he just doesn't feel like growing up and is scared to really commit to anyone, so like I said in another reply, there is nothing I can or should do Have a nice day!
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