Worst Break Up Ever - Cant Cope

[Kooo1989]

Hi All, - (first time poster, sorry this is a long story)

 

This really is a tragic story so please stick with me - i feel utterly hopeless and need honest helpful advice please.

 

Me and my girlfriend have broken up in a horrible way and i simply can not cope. I will give you some background into our relationship and the underlying issues leading to the break up. I don't want to miss any info that could explain why im so down.

 

- We met originally in the summer of 2012 (June) on a chance night out when she was on vacation in my country (a one night stand if you will) and she came back to my place. She is from Germany (aged 19 at the time) and i live in London (aged 22 at the time) I was the 3rd guy she had ever slept with and she'd never done a one night stand before.

 

- We hung out the following day and i showed her around London and we had a great day out. When her holiday came to an end i suggested keeping in touch and we did over Skype.

 

- She decided to come visit me again in London a few weeks later (July 2012). We spent 4 amazing days together and we were smitten for each other. I should explain the reason she was so eager to come visit me again so soon was that she had long before planned a trip to South Africa for 7 months. So as i was saying goodbye at the train station to her i said i wish i could call you my girlfriend but i've only met you for 6 days of my life and it wouldn't be fair, but that i really like her and we should keep in touch and meet up in Europe once she's back or i could fly out to see her in South Africa.

 

- Once she's out there we talk all the time and Skype like 4 times a week. August comes around and its my birthday she sends me a surprise parcel in the post with gifts a long letter and a picture of her holding a card with my name on. I thought wow this girl really really likes me. We would fall asleep on Skype together / do all the naughty things too. Say fleeting comments like 'please don't hook up with anyone else' and 'wait for me'.

 

- Anyway - September comes around and she's introduced to a new group of friends and more specifically a new guy. Bare in mind me and her are still talking. At first she claims he was nothing more than a friend and they enjoyed each others company. Then a one night she goes back to his and they make out (just kiss) a few days later we skype as usual and she doesn't say anything about it other than 'do you think not telling is lying' which was very cryptic at the time and i never really clocked on... it turns out her and him decided to be friends with benefits or in her words ' friends that pleasure each other'. Also bare in mind this guy knows about me because she constantly spoke about me. This goes on behind my back for a few weeks then i get a text out of the blue. "i tried to sleep with my friend and i started crying straight away and i thinks its because i miss you so much'' i write back saying ''im really sorry to hear this and obviously its not nice to know you're sleeping with someone else'' to my knowledge that was when they stopped hooking up - wrong it carried on for 2 more weeks. It only stopped because i got suspicious one night and asked her are you still hooking up and she felt terrible and stopped. First Question would this be enough for you to call it off and feel betrayed?

 

- we start talking again over Skype and we were cool - she asked me would you like to be exclusive and i said 'yes if thats what you want' which apparently wasn't enough confirmation. few weeks later she decided she wanted to look around for guys again and slept with one other guy once.

 

- i remember not being too phased at the time because i didn't really know the details and it hadn't sunk it fully. However i thought the deal was off and started briefly seeing a girl in November and had a few one night stands dotted around. Difference being i never told these girls about her but she always involved in her hook ups saying i have this guy back in London which makes me significant in her stories.

 

- It comes around to January nearing the end of her stay and she tries to make another verbal commitment to be exclusive and at the time i said 'i was planning on doing that anyway' so she probably thought we were exclusive however in Feb i started sleeping with my Ex girlfriend (wrong i know) i ended that when i knew i would be seeing her soon once she is back in Germany.

 

- We met at the end of Feb in Berlin and everything was great - we hit it off so quickly again it was like lovers reunited. we flew back and forth maintaining this long distance thing between UK and Germany. It was great. She introduced me to her parents i introduced her to mine, we made plans for the future etc. 2 months (April 2013) in i notice that guy she hooked up back in Sept/Oct write on her FB wall. And i got annoyed and asked are you 2 still friends? and she said yes then the conversation progressed and i discovered they hooked up a lot more than i previously thought and it continued after the crying incident. I was heartbroken and it hit me so hard, i wasn't ready for that at all.

 

- Truth be told after that our relationship became toxic i couldn't shake the images of those two together whilst she wrote me. I couldn't believe a girl like her could make a deal to have friends with benefits so meaninglessly after having me. I was depressed and couldn't stop thinking about it.

 

- The long distance made it harder and i was always left with my thoughts and became gradually depressed about everything all i could think is what a shame we should've waited for each other. We eventually took breaks and broke up once before. I repeatedly asked her for details of what they did and how many times. She told me everything ''she believed'' to be true. The story started off bad and then got cleaner and cleaner and slightly easier to swallow. it became we only hooked up 5 times in total and only did oral once, i was mainly drunk after nights out. I still couldn't accept it happened i was mentally scarred, i still loved her but it hurt too much. We broke up.

 

- Its now August and we decided to give it another shot and it was my birthday weekend so i just flew out there to be with her and to be honest we started off great, all happy and smiling and only minor relapses into painful thoughts. I asked her to write that ''friend'' and tell him how much you regret doing those things and tell him the story you've told me so he can confirm it as the truth. I don't know why but my mind still wasn't satisfied until i could 100% confirm the truth. A few days go by and its my birthday we have dinner, make love and are lying in bed when she gets a message on her phone from that guy. I take her phone and ask to read it. What i read had confirmed all my earliest fears and that she had sugar coated the story so so much. He tells her we hung out way more than you said and we did way more oral and that she was the one chasing after him, she doesn't even defend her story and starts crying he must be telling the truth. i break down crying and go hysterical leave her flat at 11pm and walk around alone crying. She even wrote him in March 2013 once we'd started dating "i miss you, sad right?''..... what the actual f*ck.

 

I'm utterly utterly heartbroken all those months between April and August i spent trying to conquer her sugar coated story in my mind and to have it all washed away in a second on my 24th birthday is too much for me to handle. I'm back in London i know there is no chance we can work after this but the pain is so so strong. I now have no idea how many times they hooked up all i know its worse than the original story and too much for me to stomach. I'm left with graphic images of her going down on him way more times after they'd been hanging out as friends just chilling out casually. Then texting me i miss you or some sh*t. I know i didnt make her exclusive but is this really what i get in return for not putting a label on it? we spoke enough and had shared enough to be at least somewhat faithful....I thought she was my sweet innocent darling. She'd only slept with 2 guys before me in 19 years then 2 guys in 2 months after me.

 

HOw would you guys cope? would you be able to handle her **** ups and lies if you loved them enough? or would you feel this would be enough of a deal breaker? bare in mind i thought this girl was perfect in every other possible way other than she gave it away cheaply after me.

 

I've felt suicidal and depressed ever since reading that guys message i need help to handle the trauma, please do help. THANKS FOR READING.

Edited August 22, 2013 by Kooo1989

[Philosoraptor]

A lie is a lie, no matter how much you care for that person. Personally it didn't seem like there were too many boundaries in this relationship, and the ones that existed were trampled by both parties. Doesn't look like there was much forgiveness or trust either, which is why things never settled down.

 

Do you feel like you can trust her again? Do you feel like if you were with her at this distance that you could trust she wouldn't end up with another man? If you want to make this work you need full forgiveness and trust, if either is lacking this will become a resentful and insecure relationship.

 

If you want to move on you will need to go NC with her, and that should be easy at a distance. Just block her on every medium, and you don't have to worry about coming across her out anywhere.

 

She simply wasn't the person you thought she was. It's a very sad and hard thing to find out, but better to realize it early before you get more involved. Just take care of yourself right now and do things for yourself that bring happiness into your life.

[Kooo1989]

A lie is a lie, no matter how much you care for that person. Personally it didn't seem like there were too many boundaries in this relationship, and the ones that existed were trampled by both parties. Doesn't look like there was much forgiveness or trust either, which is why things never settled down.

 

Do you feel like you can trust her again? Do you feel like if you were with her at this distance that you could trust she wouldn't end up with another man? If you want to make this work you need full forgiveness and trust, if either is lacking this will become a resentful and insecure relationship.

 

If you want to move on you will need to go NC with her, and that should be easy at a distance. Just block her on every medium, and you don't have to worry about coming across her out anywhere.

 

She simply wasn't the person you thought she was. It's a very sad and hard thing to find out, but better to realize it early before you get more involved. Just take care of yourself right now and do things for yourself that bring happiness into your life.

 

It is slightly hard to trust she wouldn't be able to do it again. A leopard never changes its spots right. But she was young, naive, and wanted fun because boys showed her attention. I just cant see it in a similar vain to a drunken mistake, it was way more calculated and organised to be considered a mistake it took conscious thoughts into her actions and she continued. That hurts a lot. I hate how i am now left with my over thinking mind running through all the scenarios of them hooking up. I came to terms with her original story and almost mastered it. Is it better that i now know the painful truth? Thanks for the reply

[Msnatural25]

Do you think it would help sitting down with her and having a conversation where there is truth on both sides. Do you trust her to do that? Maybe if you knew her true intentions and her real feelings it would give you some direction.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I'm very sorry you're having to deal with all of this pain but you are strong enough to cope and you will get through this. Best thing for you now is to have absolutely no contact with her and move on. End it for good. This is the only way you will heal and have a chance for you to find a girl deserving of you. Your ex is untrustworthy. Whatever her issues may be, you not deserve to be lied to, deceived and cheated on. Long distance relationships are hard enough for a strong couple but when the trust is broken...the relationship is broken.

 

Move on and cut all ties with her. All is not what it seems and she was not the girl you thought she was during your relationship. You fell for someone that wasn't real. Love yourself by knowing you deserve someone not like her.

 

I promise you'll get through this.