Do you dream with your MM?

[SolG]

First, a bit about me...

 

My MM and I met 4 years ago. I thought him attractive and pleasant in our then irregular interactions. Then 3 years ago we started working together and we found we shared a lot of passions and had similar drives and work ethics. We worked closely and personally got closer - the EA began almost immediately. We both knew it was wrong, but couldn't seem to help spending more and more time together. Then after 9 months of the EA, the PA began. We travelled together frequently for work. We were pretty much constantly together and just blossomed in each others company.

 

I was head over heels from the outset. The truth is I would've allowed a PA to commence far earlier, but my MM struggled long and hard against the compulsion and with his conscience. He still struggles with the latter. He had never ever been unfaithful before me; indeed he had never ever even been intimate with anyone other than his wife. I know some of you will scoff at the idea, but he truly is a good man. Sometimes good people do bad things.

 

It's now over three years since the A began. MM now works interstate and my work travel allows me to spend one week a month with him. i still live in the same city as his W and children, and he spends either Friday or Sunday night with me each weekend when he travels home to see them. When we are not together, we phone and Skype the hell out of each other every opportunity we get. It is not uncommon for us to go to sleep together virtually.

 

Even though it seems impossible, as time goes on we learn more and our relationship becomes loser and more and more entrenched and less and less glossy... The more we seem to love each other. But then the more we love each other... The more and more it hurts. And it's really, really hard.

 

To get through the tougher times, we sometimes dream together. About how our lives will be in the future. When he and his W have gone through the process of assessing their relationship and fundamental incompatibility and parting - he wants their relationship to end on its own merits and not because of another party. When he and his W have moved on from marriage partners to partners in continuing to raise beautiful functional children together as a team. This is why he is still there. He deeply cares for and respects his W and loves his children. He wants the best possible transition for all of them.

 

And we dream about when he and I can start to publicly date... And then meet each others families and travel and write and make art... We dream about when we're upset at each other being able to openly tell our friends what a pain in the a@& he/she is being and why it really is that we're a bit off colour today. Being able to grocery shop or done together anywhere.

 

We dream of how we will never marry (both been there done that) but will show the world how committed we are in other less conventional ways. Probably rings will apply, or maybe also tattoos?

 

We dream about so many, many things...

 

Do you other OW and OM dream like this too? Often, and in detail? Does it help? Or does it hinder?

[MissBee]

I used to...but realized it was all a fantasy and wasn't actually happening in real life. Then it made me angry. I left him in dreamland where he kept wishing and hoping, as I was ready to DO instead of just dream.

 

Dreaming is nice when you have the means to make it a reality and you're taking steps to make it so. Just wishing and dreaming by themselves are just fantasy...a pleasant escape, future faking, but aren't very useful for me personally.

[ssmugg]

I occasional dream with my GF, and there's nothing wrong with it. Small dreams have come true, and bigger dreams are down the road. Some way out dreams will never come true, but doesn't mean that's bad.

[Goodbye]

Ugh, we did so much of that. And once my exMM finally revealed the truth about the status of his marriage, he told me his "big plan" was to let their marriage fall apart due to its other flaws, and not our R. They are still married. Chances are his wife doesn't know or think the marriage is bad. She just thinks she has a hard working H who travels for work and is tired and preoccupied with his career.

 

The future faking made me fall even harder in love and it made the grief that followed so painful. BE CAREFUL.

 

My exMM was so into future faking he'd ask me to do stuff like describe the dress I'd wear at our little marriage ceremony just for us. Or, what our baby would look like. Or how we'd decorate our retirement home on the pacific coast.

 

You'll be amazed at how much of day to day life you tune out with your head in the clouds. It makes the aftermath very hard. The real world looks awful. At least for a while.

[So happy together]

It can be good. I know it feels good and is fun to picture a future. That can spur us on to do more, make a move. If we didn't ever dream, we would never do anything.

 

On the other hand, if it's making you miserable, dreaming and seeing no progress at all, getting frustrated, that isn't good.

 

It's only future faking if there is no future. My bf and I dreamed all the time. We still do. We dream and talk about how things will be. It really made us move forward. Made us want it more.

 

So I guess the secret is to figure out whether it is dreaming/planning a future, or dreaming/making one another false promises.

[veryhappy]

If it doesn't become reality, it's called future faking. On the same level with "if I won the lottery...", but you're not even playing.

 

Future faking can be very damaging because you build up a dream that's never meant to happen. I was the woman of his dreams, but to quote him after all the bs he realized he wanted me, but not a life with me. That still doesn't make sense in my world, and I'm sure it still does make sense in his.

 

A man who's only been with his wife won't leave her. There have been a few MM here in this situations, and all were trying to get over the OW and reconnect with the one and only. You are living in make believe, and one day reality will catch up with you.

[velvette]

First, a bit about me...

 

When he and his W have gone through the process of assessing their relationship and fundamental incompatibility and parting - he wants their relationship to end on its own merits and not because of another party. When he and his W have moved on from marriage partners to partners in continuing to raise beautiful functional children together as a team. This is why he is still there. He deeply cares for and respects his W and loves his children. He wants the best possible transition for all of them.

 

 

We dream about so many, many things...

 

Do you other OW and OM dream like this too? Often, and in detail? Does it help? Or does it hinder?

 

Has he started this process? Three years is a long time to still be dreaming instead of doing if you want something.

[So happy together]

Has he started this process? Three years is a long time to still be dreaming instead of doing if you want something.

 

This may be true in a lot of cases... but not all. I know people who have made it happen after longer. Actually, much longer. I'm not saying that is the case here, but, you never know.

[Feb]

The future faking made me fall even harder in love and it made the grief that followed so painful. BE CAREFUL.

 

My exMM was so into future faking he'd ask me to do stuff like describe the dress I'd wear at our little marriage ceremony just for us. Or, what our baby would look like. Or how we'd decorate our retirement home on the pacific coast.

 

You'll be amazed at how much of day to day life you tune out with your head in the clouds. It makes the aftermath very hard. The real world looks awful. At least for a while.

 

Goodbye -- I don't mean to laugh at your pain, but your example made me chuckle. We did a lot of future faking about vacations, beachside property, he used to talk about a child (we are waaayyy too old for that). We might as well have talked about riding our unicorns over rainbows. One of our more realistic dreams was us cooking meals together, but then we'd talk about how we would just spontaneously have sex in the middle of the kitchen everyday. I don't know if this was future faking or a porn movie.

 

 

The faking seemed perfectly reasonable at the time, but seems ridiculous now.

[fanine]

Goodbye -- I don't mean to laugh at your pain, but your example made me chuckle. We did a lot of future faking about vacations, beachside property, he used to talk about a child (we are waaayyy too old for that). We might as well have talked about riding our unicorns over rainbows. One of our more realistic dreams was us cooking meals together, but then we'd talk about how we would just spontaneously have sex in the middle of the kitchen everyday. I don't know if this was future faking or a porn movie.

 

 

The faking seemed perfectly reasonable at the time, but seems ridiculous now.

 

Future faking. Great expression. I got all that too. All his little pipe dreams. All the places we were going to visit. What our wedding would be like (but errr he was married and would even say I wish I knew how I get divorced....ummmm well he could have done it rather than waiting for the wife to kick him out) but the one that made me really realise he lived in a fantasy world was when I said I was looking for a job abroad. I didn't say the main reason for this was to start a new life away from him. His reaction? Cool. I will come with you. What work could I get in that country? Yes....but......you say you won't leave the wife because of the kids if we live here but you will move abroad with me? That made me realise there was no logic in,anything,he said really....

[GreySkyMorning]

You'll be amazed at how much of day to day life you tune out with your head in the clouds. It makes the aftermath very hard. The real world looks awful. At least for a while.

 

Made me cry today... The real world just looks really grey for a long time

[MissBee]

Goodbye -- I don't mean to laugh at your pain, but your example made me chuckle. We did a lot of future faking about vacations, beachside property, he used to talk about a child (we are waaayyy too old for that). We might as well have talked about riding our unicorns over rainbows. One of our more realistic dreams was us cooking meals together, but then we'd talk about how we would just spontaneously have sex in the middle of the kitchen everyday. I don't know if this was future faking or a porn movie.

 

 

The faking seemed perfectly reasonable at the time, but seems ridiculous now.

 

:lmao:

 

It's nice to dream, there's a TED Talk on how dreaming can actually deter people from achieving their goals sometimes, as the feeling you get and satisfaction of the fantasy of just talking about it often becomes enough and the impetus to make it reality dies down....I was like wow...definitely in terms of As, I can see where it's enjoyable to dream and even just talking about a future that won't happen, is satisfying in the moment, but doesn't provide impetus for it to turn into reality.

[bentleychic]

Yes, we do sometimes.

[SolG]

I've never heard the term 'future faking' before. I hoping we're not just dreaming of unicorns... But I guess I don't really know.

 

There are actually a lot of the terms I'm discovering here on LS as I explore and read around. There are so many APs and so much pain.

 

The more I read, the more I'm beginning to feel like I'm trapped in a cliche :-/

There doesn't seem to be a single thing about my A that is different or original that hasn't occurred or been said somewhere amongst all the others I've been reading about on here. Even my protestation to myself that my A MUST be different to all the others is common!

 

I have some thinking to do and some tough conversations to have with my MM. I've taken a lot on faith because I really do love him. I think maybe its time now to bolster the faith with some detail.

[MissBee]

My exMM and I used to daydream together. We were always realistic about it though, it wasn't fantasy dreaming. Just two people who wanted to do things together. We took trips together and we talked often of going to certain places that we had been separately and wanted to go together. We talked about the future, just like any couple does. When I was in school and completing my degrees, he often daydreamed with me about my academic future and career, and was very supportive of that (even though he never could figure out how I did full time graduate school and a full time job, lol).

 

I don't know why this is called future faking. We all have wants and desires that are fun to dream about even if the possibilities are slim that they will ever happen. It's healthy and has a positive effect on the couple and each person. It is only a problem if that is ALL someone does I think.

 

All couples daydream and talk about things they would like to do or might do in the future. In my experience, it wasn't any different in the affair. We had some limitations obviously, but we acknowledged those and our dreams worked around them. Still fun to talk about with someone you love though.

 

Future faking is esp when one party, often the MM, makes talks of a future with you and sells you on it, to get what they want in the present, intentionally or unintentionally. This can happen in single relationships as well, where one party says things to imply a future, places you'll go, kids you'll have etc. but with the knowledge that this is not ever going to materialize, but the saying it and dreaming in the now makes the other party even more invested as they believe this person sees a future with them.

 

If you're both just daydreaming and are both realistic it's one thing, but future faking, is for the OW/OM who have come here with stories like: MM says he is leaving his wife next year and he wants a baby with me, I introduced him to my children because I believed we were serious because he said he was leaving, he says we will get married, she says she wants me to get her pregnant and wants to marry me....the list goes on. The OW/OM is usually invested in this dream and understandably build it up in their minds as something which will be more than just talk....but then it's a bounced check and they feel very hurt and bamboozled to realize all it was was empty dreams which felt good in the now or kept them hooked that a future existed, when it didn't.

[hermione08]

It's true, my exMM did this also when we were together as a couple years ago.

He would tell me of all the things we would do, but he had no intention of actually doing them

[MissBee]

It's true, my exMM did this also when we were together as a couple years ago.

He would tell me of all the things we would do, but he had no intention of actually doing them

 

For those who only want part time Rs or don't want to be vulnerable in an open R, the limitations of an A suit them consciously and subconsciously, and the dreaming of what could happen, but probably never will, is part and parcel with that. It's like reading a book...it's enjoyable, you can go anywhere and be genuinely satisfied and engrossed while sitting at home. Such are some of the dreams between APs....you can go anywhere your heart desires in your pillow talk without making any moves to go there, but there is a satisfaction which comes from the dreaming itself.

 

I did it; however, I eventually wanted more than just the talk and dreams. My exAP was content with just the dreaming...I got more irritable and upset at his absolute contentment with just talking and that was the beginning of the end for me. Initially I was just as caught up as him in the dreams and they were satisfying, but I snapped out of it and wanted more, while he was still in the pink haze of dreaminess and happy to be there. Even now, he comes around and tries to say all this stuff about he knows I'll be a great mother to our children and all this nonsense . LMAO! Yeah...okay. It's utter nonsense and won't happen, but he sure gets a kick out of that fantasy, while I'm like please, let's be real here.

[fanine]

For those who only want part time Rs or don't want to be vulnerable in an open R, the limitations of an A suit them consciously and subconsciously, and the dreaming of what could happen, but probably never will, is part and parcel with that. It's like reading a book...it's enjoyable, you can go anywhere and be genuinely satisfied and engrossed while sitting at home. Such are some of the dreams between APs....you can go anywhere your heart desires in your pillow talk without making any moves to go there, but there is a satisfaction which comes from the dreaming itself.

 

I did it; however, I eventually wanted more than just the talk and dreams. My exAP was content with just the dreaming...I got more irritable and upset at his absolute contentment with just talking and that was the beginning of the end for me. Initially I was just as caught up as him in the dreams and they were satisfying, but I snapped out of it and wanted more, while he was still in the pink haze of dreaminess and happy to be there. Even now, he comes around and tries to say all this stuff about he knows I'll be a great mother to our children and all this nonsense . LMAO! Yeah...okay. It's utter nonsense and won't happen, but he sure gets a kick out of that fantasy, while I'm like please, let's be real here.

 

Yep I was at first caught up in the dreams, the chats we would have about what we would do, where we would go, imagining what a kid would look like if we had one.

 

Then over time I would end up just laughing or be speechless with some of the stuff that came out of his mouth. I would be really? Is that really going to happen. It was all words and no action.

[Goodbye]

Future faking is esp when one party, often the MM, makes talks of a future with you and sells you on it, to get what they want in the present, intentionally or unintentionally. This can happen in single relationships as well, where one party says things to imply a future, places you'll go, kids you'll have etc. but with the knowledge that this is not ever going to materialize, but the saying it and dreaming in the now makes the other party even more invested as they believe this person sees a future with them.

 

If you're both just daydreaming and are both realistic it's one thing, but future faking, is for the OW/OM who have come here with stories like: MM says he is leaving his wife next year and he wants a baby with me, I introduced him to my children because I believed we were serious because he said he was leaving, he says we will get married, she says she wants me to get her pregnant and wants to marry me....the list goes on. The OW/OM is usually invested in this dream and understandably build it up in their minds as something which will be more than just talk....but then it's a bounced check and they feel very hurt and bamboozled to realize all it was was empty dreams which felt good in the now or kept them hooked that a future existed, when it didn't.

 

 

Yes, this is how I understand future faking. I believe my exMM used to do it so much to take the focus off of the present. In the present, he is a married man...not so romantic. He'd often want to talk about our past as well, we were a couple 20 years ago. It was either past or future, god forbid I wanted to make plans about NOW.

[georgia girl]

The next time he wants to dream, look him in the eye and ask him to make one of your dreams come true. Just one. By this time you've shared your hopes and dreams with him. It's time for him to choose one and make it come true.