jlola Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 It seems every OW says the same thing, "MM is so loving, has treated me so special, We had such a bond,he has made me feel so good, has shown me what love is. I have loved him like no other. No other relationship has been so difficult to leave". Etc.What is the magic of the MM? Many who leave MM have a hard time dating single men as they never feel the same passion they did for MM. Are MM all that much better than single men? Or is it that the MM knows he has baggage/obstacles many women will not deal with, so he is more romantic,generous,caring,loving,attentive in the context of the affair,then he would have been had he been single and dating?
LimeBlue Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Good post. I think it gets more intense as one gets older because 20 years ago I had no idea what I liked/wanted in a man, but now I do and I found that in my affair. However, the question is whether the A is mere fantasy, or would it stay that way if the two people in the A were to hook up in the long term. I have mixed views because what I read on here on LS conflicts directly with what I have witnessed in life. I personally know one couple which springs to mind, they were both M, had a two year long affair, both left their M, and are happier than ever together five years down the line. Did they find the right person, even though it was via an A?
GreySkyMorning Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 It seems every OW says the same thing, "MM is so loving, has treated me so special, We had such a bond,he has made me feel so good, has shown me what love is. I have loved him like no other. No other relationship has been so difficult to leave". Etc.What is the magic of the MM? Many who leave MM have a hard time dating single men as they never feel the same passion they did for MM. Are MM all that much better than single men? Or is it that the MM knows he has baggage/obstacles many women will not deal with, so he is more romantic,generous,caring,loving,attentive in the context of the affair,then he would have been had he been single and dating? Good question. I keep asking myself that same thing. I meet single guys and they never seem to add up. I'm trying very hard to look at all of this without any rose colored glasses and see xmm for who he really was. When I do that, I can see that if a single man had drug me along for two years and gave me so little, I would have dumped him long ago. Why did I allow xmm to get away with it for so long? He really wasn't all that special. He just knew how to say the right things. He never once backed them up. But he did set a precedent for what I want from a relationship now and what I'm not willing to settle for anymore.
Sarabi Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Many who leave MM have a hard time dating single men as they never feel the same passion they did for MM. Are MM all that much better than single men? It is not that he is better than single men. Or that I don't want to date single men. Or that you can't feel love/passion for a single man. I can say I have a hard time dating single men just now because I do not feel ready. I do not feel it would work just now, I am not truly over the whole "thing". I think it would be unfair to a decent man to put him through my getting over being an OW/homewrecker stage. And being as OW/OM are frequently cited as the only ones with self-esteem/family issues unlike the perfect marrieds...it would be nice for me to continue therapy and personal healing(whatever the f@#k that is) to get to a better place emotionally and all that...so I can have better relationships in future. Anyway...we'll see. It all seems so unbelievably hopeless to be honest...
sweetkiwi Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 I've never been involved with a MM but my friend currently is. And hearing her talk about Julien, then reading things in the OW/OM forum is insanely enlightening. I think it's a combination of emotional unavailability/raw sex appeal/romance/seduction/and being a very good liar. I can't imagine myself being close enough to a married man to get caught in his "web". Friendly interactions sure. But if it gets emotional or he tries to get physical it's done. I guess many OW/OM simply don't care or don't catch on till it's too late and they're in the death grip of "love".
So happy together Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 For me, it was simply the person he is. Our R is not perfect. We are just like every other couple. During the A, the secrecy was the part we hated, not an aphrodisiac. Our R is more smooth, more loving, more fulfilling now than it was when we were in the A. But... there was just something about... not him, but the two of us together. We just clicked. It just worked.
Author jlola Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 It's a combination of things but I think it really all comes down to the passion of longing for something and someone you can never quite have, at least not all to yourself. That in itself is a very powerful thing and can make one look upon the object of their affection's every word and deed as the absolute epitome of true love. Couple that with the fact that so many MM work hard, especially initially or at the height of an affair to keep the OW happy and things become almost fairytale like. They go out of their way with words and gestures, drowning them with dreams and love-talk to really make them feel loved and adored given that they can't (won't, whatever) give them the one thing most OW really want which is full time commitment. It's also astounding to me the number of women who refuse to acknowledge the fact that the sheer level of secrecy required to maintain an affair adds all new levels of passion and intensity. Even the little things become earth-shattering experiences. Oh, he's calling, he's calling, he's finally snuck away to call me! That excitement one feels in a new relationship (of any kind) can be greatly prolonged when every day is unpredictable. In refelcting on 2 relationships that were the most difficult to leave, though they were not affairs. I could see parallels. Both men came off over the top romantic. I was their soulmate. Never met anyone like me. Never dreamed of having ayone like me. Romantic dates,flowers,etc. Then there was intermittent time together. One had been very young and started a hugely successful business. I met him in the beginning and that required a lot of time. I was competing with business. I now see you can triangulate a relationship in many ways. Family,career,friends,affairs. The there was the law student who had to concentrate on school. I was always available for them when THEY had time. Our meetings went by THEIR schedule. Not mine. I was to believe what THEY said and not question. It made me long,pine and fantasize more so than in any other relationship. I would be told I was being demanding and they were making the best efforts to spend time with me. I began to feel I had no right to demand anything. That i should be grateful for our time together and should not rock the boat. Both relationships I left. Changed phone number,MOVED! Both took a very long time to get over. I realize now, I passed up some truly great guys,mourning these relationships. Made those men much more powerful,wonderful,sexy,amazing than they actually were. I realize now the roller coaster,longing,uncertainty and drama that kept me in there was toxic. I also can clearly see when one of my friends is going down the path of these relationships. 2
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