fanta_panda Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Hi everyone, This is my first time posting on this site, but I have been frequenting this site for a number of months now looking for advice, direction, vicarious experience and so on. However, I am at a stage in my life which worries me persistently as I tumble through life on a day-to-day basis. Hence this first post... I am currently teaching ESL in South Korea (about halfway through a 12 month contract). Last year, I was teaching in Thailand and while I was there, I got involved with a really great girl from the UK. We hit it off and had a great time together and actually planned to come to South Korea together. Even though we were only an item for 5 months, we bonded in a way I never thought possible. However, after 3 weeks of being apart (I left to go home to South Africa while she stayed in Thailand and then went back to the UK), she decided she didn't want to go anymore and didn't want me to join her on her next adventure. Since that conversation 9 months ago, I have been in a moderate to a (now) deep depression and my self-esteem has completely disintegrated. I have always had problems with major depressive disorder, but last year I felt like I turned a corner. To be honest, I think this is how I managed to find a girl like this. For the first time ever in my life, I felt like I was in control of my mood and my outlook. There were moments of sadness, but I dealt with them in a healthy way and didn't let them dominate my mind. I finally began to appreciate the joys of my own company. ... and now? Well, that's all gone. I am back where I was from the ages of 12 to 24 - angry, hurt, distrustful, self-hating, destructively cynical. But now I fear something inside me has broken. I feel cynical about love; about people; about trust; about everything. Whereas in the past, no matter how bad things got, I could find small comfort in the inherent goodness of people and that I would find it, even if I couldn't find it in myself. I look at and spend time with others in relationships and I find myself loathing them, irrationally so. I hate seeing them enjoy the intimate connection that I so desperately want in my life. These past few months I've tried to move on. I sent her a letter of closure saying goodbye (implying that this is forever and I need to move on); I tried casually dating a foreign girl in Korea, only to completely shy away from her and reject the offer of some kind of relationship; I've started to second guess every decision I make for fear of hurt and disappointment. In the end, I've lost the will to remain positive about my prospects. The depression has taken hold of me and I fear the worst - the part of me that wants to love and care for not just other people, but myself too, has finally shut down. As a 26 year old male, well educated, relatively in-shape, with a good sense of humour, I know that there are positives about myself that I must remember. Alas, I cannot. I've forgotten what it is like to love myself and, as a result, I am forgetting how to give it to and receive it from others. Considering that every marriage and relationship in my family has broken down and wrecked many people in the process, I can't help but feel that my life is nothing more than to serve as a warning to others. I have read so many posts, and blogs, and books, but they all seem so retrospective in their advice. I am sorry if this sounds melodramatic or repetitive to those who have been on here a longer time than I have, but I don't really have an outlet at the moment. I don't want to be a cold-hearted, cynical person, but I feel like I have already begun a transformation I won't be able to undo. So yeah, abridged life story ... I would appreciate any feedback, just to know that I am not alone.
Sparkle304 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Your post just makes me want to cry:( At times I have shared your cynical view of relationships and life in general. As in, what's the point?!? I also have gone through times of depression and I really, really understand what it means to be down! And it's during these times, it's difficult, no, impossible to see any value in yourself. But I also know, for certain, that change will occur. And life does get better......hey, it got better for you with this girl didn't it? Why can't that be found again? With an even better girl. I know you're telling yourself that it's not possible, but I disagree!!! Yep, I understand how life sort of perks up when you have someone in your life. Issues that would've seemed insurmountable before, now seem totally manageable when you're in a relationship. I get it. And that, dear OP, is why you need to keep hope alive. You will find that feeling again......but you have to want to find it. It's hard. It's a kick in the head....and it's even worse when you suffer from depression. But if I can have hope, ANYONE can!!! You've got a cool life and get to experience awesome places around the world. I teach, got a permanent contract and then never had the guts to go overseas. Awesome that you're doing this!!! Plus, you said you're from S.Africa.....you can get any girl you want with that accent!!!!!! Hang in there......
Author fanta_panda Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 I really appreciate your kind words, Sparkle. What's strange to me now though is that the happiest time in my life, I wasn't with anyone. I wasn't in a relationship. I was fine being in my own company, doing my thing, letting people decide whether or not they wanted to be part of my life. And then all it took was one person to bring that crashing down, to take a part of me I had worked so hard for. Having read many stories about people who have managed to escape the labyrinth of depression, I am trying really hard to get back to that mindset of positivity and delayed gratification. But sometimes I wonder if I am the exception? I feel like this has been a part of me for so long, I can't even imagine how to experience life without this heavy feeling anymore. Like the face of a person in a dream that you try so hard to recognize, but, in the haze of confusion, you just can't. Maybe that is why I don't reach out to people when I am enduring emotional suffering that at times feels insurmountable? Maybe I've just accepted the fact that my depression has fundamentally altered who I am? It just really seems that out of the myriad life paths I have chosen for myself thus far, I have continuously chosen those of the most resistance, and then berated myself for making that choice. A self-sustaining source of negative energy, if you will... Anyways, once again, I am getting lost in prose. As I said, thanks for your sincere words. Anything at this stage is helpful. I hope that the fates continue to conspire in your favour...
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