A mess

[Bratpatrol]

I cut off contact with a mm that was my friend since high school. Went a month without taking. I have been doing good, writing in my journal, and trying to get through the pain. I ran into him at an event a few weeks ago. we stared at each other..you know the kind of stares. and when he was leaving he waved to me. OF COURSE like an idiot two days later I reach out telling him how hard this is and all this stupid mushy stuff. I told him i missed him.

 

The next morning I apologized for writing, that I guess I thought him waving was reaching out. He then responds that I can write to him. I tried talking to him but I just felt it was a mistake. So I told him. He never said anything which kinda made me upset cuz I can't even get a I understand? I said something and he immediately took it as me attacking him. But I wasn't and tried to explain myself. He said that he thought that we should keep the conversations like old time when we used to joke and stuff which was awesome. So I tried the next day and he totally ignored me and blew me off.

 

A day later i was so in shock that I told him he was mean for doing this. He never responded. I then told him he can be a big ****head sometimes and he apologized and said he knew.and that he has been going through a week long depressive bi-polar thing. ( he's not medically confirmed) We cleared things up and it was cool. The next day we were talking and I asked if my letter or any of this meant anything to him..and if it didn't that its best we aren't friends.

 

He replied that it means he thinks I'm a good person. LOL. What.....

How generic.. Thanks. So I just said ok well, I think you're a good person too. But I can't be your friend. You're married and I have feelings for you. I hope you understand. He then says. OH STOP! Everything is okay. I mean we ain't like we used to be but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. And I said I know but what about my feelings? I get nothing.

 

Two days go by and I message him, he just ignored me. The next day in ask if he hates me, and he says no why? Are you serious? You're ignoring me again? He says he's been busy and hasn't checked his messages. He wasn't being mean. And that he's sorry he's so busy. So I figure everything is okay. I continue the convo but he's short. I ask if something is wrong and he says he's just busy working. I tell him later that this is why I don't think this is a good idea.

 

I'm practically in love with him, it's for nothing and its a mess. I said that i just don't understand that after 3 years all I get is I'm a "good person"

He tells me he is at home and really can't get into this.

Fine. The next day I say to him I'm sorry if my feelings made You feel weird? I'm Just trying to be honest. I still get no answer.

 

Later on I ask why he can't talk to me anymore, an that he makes me feel like an alien. When he says to me .. ****ing cut it out. Im so busy and just can't talk. Jeez!

I say that's all you had to say. But I'm glad you said ****ing cut it out.. Shows some emotion.. I then feel like total **** and write him AGAIN apologizing explaining that I'm not trying to make him mad I'm just in a tough spot and trying to understand.

I get nothing.

 

I am so humiliated. I don't know what I did wrong. I know I contacted him a lot after breaking nc, but its hard. I am just beside myself and feel like i am going insane. It's like walking on eggshells. What it wrong with me?

Edited August 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[IfWishesWereHorses]

It sounds like he wants a side chick, and you want something more serious.

[jmaharisi]

Don't feel humiliated. I mean, I understand why you feel humiliated and it's because you care for him so much and care so much of what he thinks of you. If anything, he should be the one who is humiliated. My two cents? If you do feel embarrassed or desperate or "thirsty" as kids these days say, weeks from now, it will blow over and he'll probably forget about it. In fact, he's probably already forgotten about it. I think maybe you're feeling some frustration with yourself for not respecting yourself enough to stop when he wasn't responding or was just giving you crumbs, knowing that you want way more than he wants (and is able to give) and being frustrated when he doesn't reciprocate that same feeling. Unfortunately, no text you send, no apology to the text you've already sent, or beating yourself up will change the way he is.

[ComingInHot]

bratpatrol,

You wrote you made him "angry" and that was good because it shows "some" emotion towards you. You wanted "something" from him. Anything, after 3 years of him cheating on His Wife w/you.

 

Let me ask, you want to know he has some emotion for you right? It'll prove you meant Something to him, right?

But is Anger & frustration the kind of emotion you pushing for?

And if this is all you are getting, bi-polar or not, is it worth continued contact?

 

I'd li,e to Slap him for you for telling you "he and have the conversation w/you, because he was w/his family" . Granted it was probably the truth, but it fels like he said it in a way to make you feel "bad" or guilty about reaching out/breaking NC.

 

I'm so sorry you are hurting! This guy is a turd*

[Turtles]

It sounds like he wants a side chick, and you want something more serious.

 

Honestly it sounds more like he is not really interested in discussing feelings with you. He's trying to let you down easy with a "let's just be friend" line and you are not taking the hint. And, if he's trying to patch things up with his wife, good for him to not be trying to escalate things with you. Letting him go sounds like the best for the 3 of you - go back to NC!

[So happy together]

Honestly? I don't know what he's doing, but if someone treated me like that, I'd be really cheesed off. You're a person. If you've had a three year affair and suddenly it's this? Cut contact. Just my opinion, I just think... maybe he thinks you'll always be there to stroke his ego and grovel. You're better than that. Just ignore him. If he wants you, he'll find you. Then the power is in your hands. YOU decide if you want to have any sort of relationship or not. You do have say, sweetie.

 

I'm sorry, as I read your post, all I could think was "Mistress Meltdown". And I've had several myself. Lol. The only thing you can control is you.

 

Chin up.

[trailrunner1975]

In a way this was probably a blessing. He has shown you where you stand and proven himself unworthy of your time. In the future, if you feel a moment of weakness coming on, remember what happened the last time you broke NC. Leaving the fog is tough but when you break free of it's grip for good it is a beautiful thing.

[ChooseTruth]

Wow, to me you just sound crazy going back and forth from "lets go NC" and then when he ignores you, you get hurt. Now you are acting all clingy and desperate...which will definitely drive him away more...but that's a good thing TO me it sounds like he's made excuse after excuse NOT to talk to you, bipolar, busy, etc.

 

Honestly, he shouldn't text you AT ALL out of consideration for his wife. Your feelings are completely inconsequential as the intruder. Stop harassing him, leave him alone!

 

I shouldn't come to the OM/OW forum lol. My response will always be the same, STOP! WTF?

[letmoc]

This is going to drive you crazy if you don't stop now. I have been there believe me but you only get one chance at this life please stop making yourself miserable. And yes it is in your control. Rip the bandaid off and take the pain. Cry, get mad, do it all, you will survive this.

[Spark1111]

OP, you are beginning to sound like a true bunny boiler.

 

Put the phone down. Stop the texting. Did you have a relationship with this man?

 

It's not clear to me.

 

You are becoming obsessed with what he said, didn't say, maybe implied or omitted.

 

STOP feeding this....NOW. NC again.....COMPLETE NC.

 

Get it?

 

A look is not hello. A text is not a commitment for anything. I think you are perceiving things that are NOT there at all.

 

Why?

[velvette]

Brat

 

I agree you should stop the contact. Honestly, doesn't sound like he's all that into you and/or trying to let you down gently.

 

Perhaps trying to manage you because he fears the crazy will escalate?

 

I don't know how old you are or how much experience you have with men, but honestly even if he loved you madly, this emotional verbal onslaught of yours would be enough to make any man want to blow his brains out.

 

Get a grip on yourself and use your friends or this forum to process whatever you need to.

[fanine]

Brat

 

I agree you should stop the contact. Honestly, doesn't sound like he's all that into you and/or trying to let you down gently.

 

Perhaps trying to manage you because he fears the crazy will escalate?

 

I don't know how old you are or how much experience you have with men, but honestly even if he loved you madly, this emotional verbal onslaught of yours would be enough to make any man want to blow his brains out.

 

Get a grip on yourself and use your friends or this forum to process whatever you need to.

 

That's my impression too. He probably has no idea how to react and is trying to manage the situation somehow... he doesn't have to respond immediately to your contact surely? Even in a normal relationship with someone if they are busy, they cannot reply and I do tend to find men are different with the whole texting thing. Your reaction to his lack of response is that you should be the most important thing in his world, that it is all me me me. Wanting attention - whether good or bad. Take a look and see that you seem to be feeding off the drama. My sense is you are probably alarming him and putting demands on him that he doesn't know how to react to.

 

Take a step back. What is the purpose of all this contact with him anyway? In the end if you want to move on, just don't contact him at all. It does not do any good and will end up with you in even greater emotional turmoil, with added embarrassment. Yep it is hard but you have to just pull yourself together in the end and leave him be.

[Bratpatrol]

I understand all of what everyone's saying and thanks for responding. I'm just in a hard spot right now.

I was in the fog I guess.

He did call me today and we talked.I feel somewhat better. But I know I have to move on.

Although there were a few things that just didn't make sense to me as in, when I reached out to him he said that he was assuming from my letter i wanted to be friends. IN NO WAY was my letter a " I miss you as a friend letter"

Then he said it the affair wasnt a fling, but then it was..but that I mean more to him than just a fling.

He said he doesn't think in anyway that I am obsessing over him, and that in no way would I ever be someone he blows off. But yes, sometimes he feels that I'm get mad when he can't respond right away. I am just not going to contact him anymore. if he wants to talk to me he can contact me.

[waytogo]

I understand all of what everyone's saying and thanks for responding. I'm just in a hard spot right now.

I was in the fog I guess.

He did call me today and we talked.I feel somewhat better. But I know I have to move on.

Although there were a few things that just didn't make sense to me as in, when I reached out to him he said that he was assuming from my letter i wanted to be friends. IN NO WAY was my letter a " I miss you as a friend letter"

Then he said it the affair wasnt a fling, but then it was..but that I mean more to him than just a fling.

He said he doesn't think in anyway that I am obsessing over him, and that in no way would I ever be someone he blows off. But yes, sometimes he feels that I'm get mad when he can't respond right away. I am just not going to contact him anymore. if he wants to talk to me he can contact me.

 

That's progress but not destination BP

 

If he wants to talk to you he can keep wanting seems a good goal. He's not good to you or for you. It will be. Great day when you don't care if he cared, how much he cared or didn't. Time for you and circumstances that have the chance to advance in your life now. He's a hindrance and destruction.

[Bratpatrol]

OP, you are beginning to sound like a true bunny boiler.

 

Put the phone down. Stop the texting. Did you have a relationship with this man?

 

It's not clear to me.

 

You are becoming obsessed with what he said, didn't say, maybe implied or omitted.

 

STOP feeding this....NOW. NC again.....COMPLETE NC.

 

Get it?

 

A look is not hello. A text is not a commitment for anything. I think you are perceiving things that are NOT there at all.

 

Why?

Well... there are few things. This started about 3 years ago. Threw those years..

He had become jealous of a friend of his I was conversing with.

He would try to make me jealous

Told me he wanted me to "feel" something for him.

Then after a while we got back together then he broke it off and said it wasn't right..we still remained friends.

we still hung out here & there. Said he felt like two different people, and would compare me to his wife.

Told me nothing was getting better with his wife at all an that he was lonely.

And a bunch of ambiguous things.

This has been going on for a while.

[Feb]

Well... there are few things. This started about 3 years ago. Threw those years..

He had become jealous of a friend of his I was conversing with.

He would try to make me jealous

Told me he wanted me to "feel" something for him.

Then after a while we got back together then he broke it off and said it wasn't right..we still remained friends.

we still hung out here & there. Said he felt like two different people, and would compare me to his wife.

Told me nothing was getting better with his wife at all an that he was lonely.

And a bunch of ambiguous things.

This has been going on for a while.

 

Right. You are really grasping for straws. Spark's question, "Why?", was NOT meant as "Why do you think this man still wants you.", it was more like "Why are you acting like a bunny boiler?"

 

 

If this guy is giving you mixed signals, it's because he's scared of you and doesn't want to cut you off 100%, because who knows what you might do at that point.

 

 

Please re-read the responses here and understand your reactions are beyond the normal OW misery (we all have our moments), but starting to cross over into unhealthy obsession.

[waytogo]

That's progress but not destination BP

 

If he wants to talk to you he can keep wanting seems a good goal. He's not good to you or for you. It will be. Great day when you don't care if he cared, how much he cared or didn't. Time for you and circumstances that have the chance to advance in your life now. He's a hindrance and destruction.

 

BP, I tried to edit. Just learned if other posts come in after you can no longer edit.

 

I meant to type, he is a hindrance and distraction. I'm not so sure destruction needed correcting

 

Just my advise, yours to choose or ignore.. This man sounds like an under emotionally developed person who will take any attention. He will not inconvenience himself to return it, will only return enough to get further attention.

 

He will thrive on you asking if he's mad at you especially when he has no reason to be. You COULD make him as miserable and mad as you had a mind to well before now. But you didn't. You're seeking his approval that you don't need from him. He doesn't have his...anything together.

 

That's not a person you need to tell you you are worthwhile. You are! Treat yourself like you are and don't accept anyone you can avoid who treats you otherwise.

[Bratpatrol]

Right. You are really grasping for straws. Spark's question, "Why?", was NOT meant as "Why do you think this man still wants you.", it was more like "Why are you acting like a bunny boiler?"

 

 

If this guy is giving you mixed signals, it's because he's scared of you and doesn't want to cut you off 100%, because who knows what you might do at that point.

 

 

Please re-read the responses here and understand your reactions are beyond the normal OW misery (we all have our moments), but starting to cross over into unhealthy obsession.

 

I don't really think I'm grasping for straws. But okay. And as far a bunny boiler, I would never stalk him or do anything outrageous to hurt him.

I'm just hurt and confused. He did send me mixed signals ALL throughout this 3 year affair. In the beginning he wanted to be romantic but I didn't think that was a good idea. I'm not some wack job that's lost reality. I'm someone who grew to care and develop feelings for someone, I know he's married, I never asked him to leave, nor did he tell me he was. I'm just trying to get over someone and make sense. We were friends. And now we aren't. I lost a friendship. It hurts. I'm confused. I don't call him everyday. I don't blow him up all the time. I just miss him. And I shouldn't.

[Spark1111]

I don't really think I'm grasping for straws. But okay. And as far a bunny boiler, I would never stalk him or do anything outrageous to hurt him.

I'm just hurt and confused. He did send me mixed signals ALL throughout this 3 year affair. In the beginning he wanted to be romantic but I didn't think that was a good idea. I'm not some wack job that's lost reality. I'm someone who grew to care and develop feelings for someone, I know he's married, I never asked him to leave, nor did he tell me he was. I'm just trying to get over someone and make sense. We were friends. And now we aren't. I lost a friendship. It hurts. I'm confused. I don't call him everyday. I don't blow him up all the time. I just miss him. And I shouldn't.

 

but MAYBE HE HAS lost reality....bipolar on meds?

 

Back away sweetheart....NOW.

 

You are never going to get straight talk from a mentally unstable person who doesn't yet have the cocktail of meds straight.

 

Stop applying rational to it. he is not capable...YET. IF EVER.

[Bratpatrol]

but MAYBE HE HAS lost reality....bipolar on meds?

 

Back away sweetheart....NOW.

 

You are never going to get straight talk from a mentally unstable person who doesn't yet have the cocktail of meds straight.

 

Stop applying rational to it. he is not capable...YET. IF EVER.

 

True. He def has some mental thing going on. But he's not medicated.. He's not even diagnosed with bi-polar. But when he said that to me it struck cuz I thought for a while he may be bp.

Idk...I don't know if after this talk I tell him peace or just ignore him if he EVER contacts me.. Which I doubt he will. He will be expecting me too.

[Feb]

I don't really think I'm grasping for straws. But okay. And as far a bunny boiler, I would never stalk him or do anything outrageous to hurt him.

 

Let me clarify what I mean. You keep saying he's sending you mixed signals. Based on your original post, he is not sending you mixed signals, and I don't even think they are bi-polar signals. By ignoring your texts and then when you do talk he says very generic things, like "You are a good person", he is basically telling you he doesn't want to take this relationship further and you probably need to back off. Now, it would be nice if he just sat you down and said this in a more straightforward way, but a lot of people can't dump someone this way, so they try to give these hints and hope you pick up on them.

 

 

Yes, you may not stalk him, but blowing up at him when he doesn't respond to you is boiler like behavior, especially when done multiple times.

 

 

I'm just hurt and confused. He did send me mixed signals ALL throughout this 3 year affair. In the beginning he wanted to be romantic but I didn't think that was a good idea.

 

 

This is very typical in the A's on this board. The person who is dumping us is the very same person that pursued us very aggressively in the beginning. Usually we put up some resistance because we know A's are wrong, but they win us over. Then they get in over their heads and pull back. This leaves us confused and hurt, but we need to be get ourselves out of the mess.

 

 

I don't call him everyday. I don't blow him up all the time. I just miss him. And I shouldn't.

 

 

You don't call him everyday, but you still call him. Why? What do you have to say? You shouldn't call him at all.

 

 

You don't blow up at him all the time, but you still blow up at him. If you are true NC, there will be no blow-ups. They are not accomplishing anything for either of you except keeping you stuck in the drama.

[Feb]

but MAYBE HE HAS lost reality....bipolar on meds?

 

Back away sweetheart....NOW.

 

You are never going to get straight talk from a mentally unstable person who doesn't yet have the cocktail of meds straight.

 

Stop applying rational to it. he is not capable...YET. IF EVER.

 

Maybe her AP exhibits abnormal behavior in real life, but based on Brat's post, his behavior is pretty normal -- typical of a guy pulling back. He would ideally be a little more straightforward in his communication, and you could even call him cowardly ... unstable, no.

[trailrunner1975]

 

 

 

This is very typical in the A's on this board. The person who is dumping us is the very same person that pursued us very aggressively in the beginning. Usually we put up some resistance because we know A's are wrong, but they win us over. Then they get in over their heads and pull back.

 

That sums it up perfectly. It's as if it is all about the chase and once the prey is captured then it's time to split.

[Bratpatrol]

I ended it first. we got back together then he ended it cuz he said he got scared...

[letmoc]

My gut feeling is he doesn't want you to get so mad you tell his wife. Please move on.