Stayinsilence Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 I have a little boy with a man who is currently incarcerated. I've refused any contact with him since he went in six years ago, until now. My son is six and at the age where he wanted to know more about his daddy, I told him the age appropriate story for why daddy is there and now we are writing him letters. There is another man in my life, who I've seen off and on for a year. He is everything I look for in a man, but I've never let him meet my son. I felt that it just wouldn't have been a good situation. He wants to go to the next level, but doesn't think we can if he's never met my son. He also wants kids and doing it on my own for six years has soured me on having more. I'm afraid to let him meet my child, who struggles with not having a father. My son is painfully shy, with a terrible stutter and is always very nervous around new people, at times so bad he's had accidents because he wets himself when he's scared. Should allow this man to meet him? Should I break it off? I really like him a lot but I'm looking out for my baby.
Author Stayinsilence Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 I also a thread detailing the situation with my ex
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 I know this will sound rather blunt, but: Is there any chance that you are refraining from letting your new guy meet your son because you will feel awkward because of your son?? Wouldn't it make sense, both when impressing one's boyfriend, and when truly wanting/trying to help one's son to bring both together and then treat each like he really matters and by (at least) pretending to be as comfortable in the setting as you ever get?? Won't you do that much for the child you're raising??
Author Stayinsilence Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 I know this will sound rather blunt, but: Is there any chance that you are refraining from letting your new guy meet your son because you will feel awkward because of your son?? Wouldn't it make sense, both when impressing one's boyfriend, and when truly wanting/trying to help one's son to bring both together and then treat each like he really matters and by (at least) pretending to be as comfortable in the setting as you ever get?? Won't you do that much for the child you're raising?? This isn't the situation at all. I hate seeing my son uncomfortable and nervous. It makes me sad to have him hide behind or tremble. He is my best friend, I'm not at all embarrassed of him or find him to be a burden. Yes, I worry about people saying something about his stutter but not because I'm embarrassed by it. 1
MidwestUSA Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 It could turn out that your man friend will be a very good addition to your son's life. Maybe bring him out of his shell. Since you can't possibly take your relationship further without involving your son, why not give it a shot? 1
Lansing Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 I would talk to your son about him... maybe slowly ease him into the idea of meeting him. It sounds like this new guy has good intentions as he is the one asking to meet your son. If he just wanted to have "fun" or whatever he wouldn't be bringing this up. It sounds like he wants to be part of your life and your son's life. It would be hard to be in the position of the guy. I dated a girl for a year and she didn't want to let me meet her dad/brother/etc and that put a big strain on the relationship because she lived with them. Anyway, I think you should seriously consider if you see a future with him. As the other poster said, I think that it is possible he could have a positive influence on your son's life. Maybe it will take a while to warm up to him, and, maybe you need to explain to your new BF the reasons why you are hesitant to introduce him, but it isn't like it has been a few months only... HOWEVER, having said all of that, you said you guys have been dating "on and off" for a year... Why on and off? If you truly don't see a future with this new guy then just break it off and open your heart to someone new.
GorillaTheater Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 HOWEVER, having said all of that, you said you guys have been dating "on and off" for a year... Why on and off? If you truly don't see a future with this new guy then just break it off and open your heart to someone new. That's a point, but whether the "right man" is this guy or a future guy, my advice is to let them meet after a while, and a year certainly seems long enough to me, in a non-threatening environment. What does your son enjoy doing, or where does he enjoy going? A venue like that would be a great ice-breaker.
Author Stayinsilence Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 The reason our relationship is on and off is because he keeps going back to his ex he says "there's still a spark, but she's crazy" I just don't have the time to deal with it and let him go but he says he knows I'm perfect for him. Truth be told, I adored my ex before he went to prison,but now I'm just pissed and a little bitter because of his choice. I did ask this guy one night how he felt about stutters he said he thinks they're funny. Our whole night went down hill, because I kept thinking about him laughing at my precious boy. That's a big turn off for me... He aked me why and I told him it was because my son had one (saying his own name can be difficult at times) he apologized and said he didn't know and that made it different. He likes to sing, he's learning guitar, he likes to go to the beach watch movies and hear stories
GorillaTheater Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 I'd have a tough time believing that a guy who's apparently still hung up on his ex and laughs at other peoples' difficulties is the right man for you, but I don't know that you want this thread to take off in that direction. In any event, a day at the beach sounds like a great plan. It would give the man (wheter this one or another ) a great opportunity to play with your son, and you a great opportunity to watch how they interact. 1
MidwestUSA Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 I'd have a tough time believing that a guy who's apparently still hung up on his ex and laughs at other peoples' difficulties is the right man for you Oh so right. One outing with this man and your son, and I think you'll have your answer. You may discover that not only is he not Mr. Right, but he's oh so horribly Mr. Wrong. Who thinks stutterers are funny?
Phantom888 Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 Your new man does not empathize with your son's stuttering. He has on and off sparks with his ex. He wants more kids and you don't. You two are not compatible in terms of life situations. You can have strong feelings, but doesn't mean he is the right man for you. Also, you may not be ready to go to the next level with any relationship. Emotionally you have to be ready. When the right man comes along, you will open up. 2
Author Stayinsilence Posted August 24, 2013 Author Posted August 24, 2013 (edited) That is my main concern, my baby already has an unfair life, it's my job to try and make him as happy as possible. I'd hate to introduce them and have this man hurt his feelings. My mama bear side is one most people should stay away from. My physical relationship with this man is fantastic, He's the only man I've been with since my ex. I just didn't have the time in the first about four years of my son's life for a man. When we met I was instantly attracted to him, but then was informed of the "crazy ex" so I didn't pursue him, then he came after me. Edited August 24, 2013 by Stayinsilence
smile1983 Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 I would be wary of anyone who calls their ex crazy but keeps going back to them. When I was first dating my ex, my Dad gave me a piece of advice that I didn't listen to at the time but turned out to be good advice. He said: "Whatever he says about his ex, he may one day end up saying about you." If someone cannot admit that there are two sides to their story (because there always are) then that is a red flag. 1
Author Stayinsilence Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 I know she's keyed his car and hit him in the face and thrown things at him. He's came to my house with a black eye before... I've heard from mutual friends that she is "unstable" I've never let him come to my house if my son is there... He's usually with my sister when he does. I've spoken to my son about meeting mommy's friend and he has made it clear he's not interested in anyone but his daddy... I'm not too fond of the idea of him meeting my ex in prison I've tried to sever contact with him until it was obvious my baby needed to know (he has a hard time meeting new people and feels he is not liked, my nephew has told him he's a R-word before, and no one wanted to play with him, he loves to be with my brother-in-law who treats him like his own son most of the time, but now seems to also dislike him) I want mason to feel like he is loved by someone other than me but it doesn't ever work that way. I also want to continue seeing this man because he makes me feel like I'm an attractive woman. I've always been told I am and did modeling when I was younger. But being alone for so long has taken its toll on me. But that is really my own fault... I just want to be happy but I don't think I can be since my ex is in jail...
Author Stayinsilence Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 So Friday night I had the perfect idea, the guy I'm seeing and I could take my son to a trampoline place he's been wanting to go to. That way he could open up and have fun and I could watch them together. I left a key outside for him to let himself in, I could hear him in my living room so I walked out to greet him... I didn't have my shirt on yet and my son freaked out... "Mommy you're not ever supposed to let anyone see you in your underwear. That's not safe." the guy I'm seeing whispered something in my ear, and I told my son he was absolutely right, I had just I forgot, so I got ready and we left. My son hated the place we went to, he was scared of the slides, it was hot, there were too many kids, he wanted to leave as soon as we got there. This man got him to get on a few slides with him just to try them out, but he was so unhappy. When we got in the car he said "Man are you spoiled or what? No wonder your mom doesn't do anything." that pissed me off. When we went to eat, and my son wanted me to open something, so I told him to ask him. My son has a very hard time with the word please... It always takes at least three tries. P's really bring out his stutter. I saw the guy starting to smile a little and hold back a laugh. I was not happy at all. We went back to our house and started watching The Lion King, my son's favorite movie, and one he watches quite frequently, when mufasa dies he started sobbing. He's never done that before, I asked him what was wrong and he said that now simba didn't have a Daddy anymore... So we turned it off and I put him in bed. After he was asleep we went in my room and talked about the night, he told me he had a great time and wanted to do it again, I brought up the stuttering incident and he apologized. One thing led to another and we started making love... We were about fifteen minutes into it before my son started banging on my door and screaming. Angry screaming. Thinking it was a good idea, I decided to ignore him. He started slamming himself into my door and we had to stop. I put on my robe and he went in my bathroom before I let my son in. My son was furious, why was my door locked? Why were there clothes on my floor? Why was his truck still in the driveway? I told him we were just playing a game and being silly, and that I'd make him leave. I shut the door and tried to figure out what happened. I don't know if he heard us or what, but I made the guy leave. I walked him out to his truck and started to cry, I'm so lonely.
Author Stayinsilence Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 Maybe you should consider some kind of therapy for your son. He isn't happy anywhere you take him, everything frightens him, and he completely disrespects you and your privacy. If you think you're dealing with anger and emotional problems now, just wait until he gets older - and more physical. This just isn't heading in a good direction. At all. I feel really bad for you. You have a real rough road ahead for many, many years. I kind of knew the place would be too much for him... Which is why I didn't take him before... The crying during the movie and rage later caught me off guard. I've never seen him angry like that before. He's usually sweet and very quiet. It scared me a little. His dad would get angry like that sometimes but it never got physical. I don't know what I've done wrong...
heartshaped Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 It's nothing you've done, but your son's father is in prison...that's difficult for him and he's never seen you with a man before it's just been you and him so of course that's difficult for him as well. Don't take this the wrong way, but I think your son could benefit from talking to a therapist and if you have not already seen to it, he probably could benefit from a speech therapist as well to help with his stutter. Frankly, he doesn't sound like a well adjusted child, which again isn't your fault, but I think he could benefit from professional help with his issues.
xpaperxcutx Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Introducing mommy's friend is not the same as introducing him as mommy's boyfriend. You have so many barriers but you forgot your boundaries when it comes to having sex with a kid in the house. You forget sometimes kids are not used to change and for him to adjust to even having a man in mommy's life, you need to at least build the relationship between your man and your son before you decide to even let him stay over the night. Now your son is upset and perhaps angry. And if you don't do anything to fix this he might grow angry because of you. I know for a fact when my mom married her husband, I never once met him before and I never knew she was dating. I always hated him.
Author Stayinsilence Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 I asked my son what made him so angry that night and in a monotone voice he said he saw us kissing... I kissed a few times, but I always made sure he either wasn't watching, or was too far to see us. I asked him when and he said at the trampoline place and while we were watching the movie. He also sad he saw him bite me... Which he did but I know for a fact my son was in the other room... I feel really bad, I honestly didn't think he could see us.
cmarkvon Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I really feel for you. My son's father died when he was an infant, and I have experienced similar questions and concerns over the years about balancing dating with motherhood. It's been quite the learning experience! I agree that therapy would be helpful, both for you and for your son. It sounds like you've been very, very thoughtful and concerned about respecting his feelings and best interests. You waited quite a long time to introduce this fellow to your son. Kids are going to feel awkward at first and have a hard time wrapping their minds around the idea of their single parent dating. But you have every right to. You sound like you feel guilt about it. You have every right to find love. Your son comes first, and it sounds like you are very mindful of that. It might be wonderful for your son to see you in a happy, loving relationship, too. You certainly don't have a revolving door of random guys that you are parading through the house. As I understand it, stuttering can often be caused by underlying emotional issues. Being shy, and having wetting accidents. It sounds like it would be helpful to seek therapy to explore what's happening. With him, and with you. And one more thing. This guy sounds like a jerk. His "spoiled" comment, fighting back laughter, and the fact that the "crazy ex" is still in the picture would have sent me RUNNING. You deserve a lot better. You deserve happiness, and love. Don't waste your time on this guy. It sounds like you have enough on your plate without being treated this way. I know you're lonely, but it's worth it to find the right one. For you and for your son. Good luck! <3 2
pteromom Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 This guy sounds like a jerk. His "spoiled" comment, fighting back laughter, and the fact that the "crazy ex" is still in the picture would have sent me RUNNING. You deserve a lot better. You deserve happiness, and love. Don't waste your time on this guy. It sounds like you have enough on your plate without being treated this way. I know you're lonely, but it's worth it to find the right one. For you and for your son. I agree with this. If he is holding back laughter and making snide comments at your son the first time they meet, he has the potential to be very mean when he isn't on his best behavior to impress you. HUGE HUGE red flag. Your son needs someone to talk to. His issues aren't due to anything you did or didn't do - they are just due to his situation. He has a Daddy who isn't in his life in any meaningful way. Of course he's confused and hurting. You could probably benefit from him going to therapy as well. The therapist could have some steps for you to take to help your son with his anxiety, anger, and confusion. I know you are lonely, but I don't think this is the time for you to date, and I certainly don't think this is the guy you should be dating.
clia Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Introducing mommy's friend is not the same as introducing him as mommy's boyfriend. You have so many barriers but you forgot your boundaries when it comes to having sex with a kid in the house. You forget sometimes kids are not used to change and for him to adjust to even having a man in mommy's life, you need to at least build the relationship between your man and your son before you decide to even let him stay over the night. Now your son is upset and perhaps angry. And if you don't do anything to fix this he might grow angry because of you. I agree with this. You didn't ease your son into this at all. You started out by walking out in your bra, kissing this guy in front of your son, and then starting to have sex with him while your son was in the house. I mean, no wonder your son was upset and confused by the whole thing. I think you need to step back, slow down, and ease this guy into your son's life. I'm also getting the impression that you really coddle and baby your son, maybe out of guilt because his father is in prison. Maybe some therapy would be useful, as suggested above.
FitChick Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 The fact that his uncle, who used to like him, doesn't any more and other people dislike your son tells me his behavior is the problem. Probably all the whining and crying. Reminds me of my cousin, who was an only child, his dad was a bum and he controlled my aunt and basically ruined her life. She couldn't date and never remarried. We couldn't stand to have "that brat" come for a visit. Don't let this happen to you. Get the kid some therapy. Oh, by the way, he is NOT your best friend. Adults can be best friends with other adults. You are his MOTHER and he is a CHILD. Act like one. Sounds like he needs more discipline and less coddling. But let a child psychologist tell you what to do since you are clueless.
Author Stayinsilence Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 (edited) My son is and has been in speech therapy for probably two years now. I am currently trying to get him classified as a victim of the crime in order to get him some counseling... Unfortunately it's expensive and my insurance won't cover it, or else I'd already have him in. He's very quiet and doesn't need much discipline, he picks up, he eats, he loves to get ready in the morning, he's polite "please, thank you, may I, excuse me, I'm sorry" are all things he knows and uses every day. Getting in bed might be our only struggle... He likes bedtime stories and his back tickled and when he doesn't get those he cries, but it hasn't been happening as bad lately (thank god) Him being my best friend is I'd rather be with him than anyone else. I like hearing his stories and teaching him things more than other things. I'm trying to teach him a bit about Syria right now (by watching the news together). The dynamic of not caring about anyone else has changed because of this man. its been good for me because I didn't want children at all. I was distraught when I got pregnant. Now, I wouldn't live without him, he brings me so much joy. Edited September 3, 2013 by Stayinsilence 1
Author Stayinsilence Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 I was going to put my son in guitar lessons, but the prices have been raised... So now I can't, and I feel horrible. I was talking to my man-friend, and he offered to teach him for me. Saying he would love to show him some stuff and thinks it would be good for him. But, given their last meeting I'm not sure... He really wants to learn and I know he would love it. I wish this was easier...
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