cici713 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I've mentioned on here before about this guy I've been dating recently. I'm really starting to like him. Last night, I went over to his house and he made dinner. We just talked and laughed for a few hours. I had a great time with him. He really opened up to me about his past and I did the same. I was in an abusive relationship for a few years and it isn't something I openly share. It took a lot to share that to him. I don't know if I over shared or not. He usually texts me throughout the day and he hasn't today. I don't know if he's just busy today or not. I texted him earlier about something and he never responded. I feel like I scared him off and he thinks I have too much baggage. I don't know if he is distancing himself now. What should I do at this point? I'm not going to text him. How long should I wait until I say anything to him? I just feel vulnerable. I share something private with someone and they go silent.
Author cici713 Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Even if he said he was physically hit and continued with the relationship?
todreaminblue Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) Some times it is hard for men , to be able to handle the fact a woman they like has been abused, a teacher once put it into perspective for me,while we were talking privately,he said to me, it is hard for me to hear you talk of "it" i feel so many things, none of them good..he actually couldnt look at me directly..the conversation went on to the fact is it upsets anyone to hear of abuse....some guys or people for that matter, just cant take it, they dont want to believe it happens.... I am sorry he went silent it is what i am often afraid of, is getting to know a guy and have them say i just cant handle it deb or go silent and not see me again .....i would understand...... but it wouldnt stop it from hurting me........i dont feel it turns guys off....i just think they wouldnt know what to say......luckily fo rme....teh guys i hav etold, have never gone silent, they have uinderstood it, accepted it and moved on ..... many women put up with abuse for a variety of reasons....apparently it takes seven times on average for a woman to leave a relationship where she is abused, so dont feel that because you stayed for years that you are any different from other women who have been abused... just know some guys dont know how to handle the thought of violence against you or any woman maybe this guy just isnt one who can have that in his mind, you could shoot him a text asking him how his day was or something totally unrelated, if you really wanted to....if it were me...... i would leave it......give him time to process what you have said.....dont regret opening up......and give him time to reply, if he doesnt reply, dont feel bad, you will find a guy who does know how to handle your past one day ...i wish you well...and good for you that you are no longer in a bad relationship..you are a courageous woman who doesnt have to deal with abuse anymore.....always remember that.........i hope your next relationship is loving and what you deserve to have.....good luck....deb Edited August 21, 2013 by todreaminblue 1
Author cici713 Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 Some times it is hard for men , to be able to handle the fact a woman they like has been abused, a teacher once put it into perspective for me,while we were talking privately,he said to me, it is hard for me to hear you talk of "it" i feel so many things, none of them good..he actually couldnt look at me directly..the conversation went on to the fact is it upsets anyone to hear of abuse....some guys or people for that matter, just cant take it, they dont want to believe it happens.... I am sorry he went silent it is what i am often afraid of, is getting to know a guy and have them say i just cant handle it deb or go silent and not see me again .....i would understand...... but it wouldnt stop it from hurting me........i dont feel it turns guys off....i just think they wouldnt know what to say......luckily fo rme....teh guys i hav etold, have never gone silent, they have uinderstood it, accepted it and moved on ..... many women put up with abuse for a variety of reasons....apparently it takes seven times on average for a woman to leave a relationship where she is abused, so dont feel that because you stayed for years that you are any different from other women who have been abused... just know some guys dont know how to handle the thought of violence against you or any woman maybe this guy just isnt one who can have that in his mind, you could shoot him a text asking him how his day was or something totally unrelated, if you really wanted to....if it were me...... i would leave it......give him time to process what you have said.....dont regret opening up......and give him time to reply, if he doesnt reply, dont feel bad, you will find a guy who does know how to handle your past one day ...i wish you well...and good for you that you are no longer in a bad relationship..you are a courageous woman who doesnt have to deal with abuse anymore.....always remember that.........i hope your next relationship is loving and what you deserve to have.....good luck....deb I feel like you know exactly where I am coming from. It's been 3 years since I've been in a real relationship. I've been super afraid for many reasons especially explaining to someone why I've been single. I feel a bit burned right now and exactly what I thought would happen did. Am I overthinking? Maybe. But you're right someone will be able to accept my past.
CrystalCastles Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 What you did is no crime. Maybe he needs a bit of time to process that information. I'm kind of like that. I remember a close guy friend told me some really disturbing stuff about himself that freaked me out, so I had to cool down a little and mull it over and afterwards I was ok and we went on as usual. He just needs a bit of time. Who knows, maybe his lack of texting could be due to something completely unrelated. 1
ja123 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Thanks for sharing your story, and thanks debs for posting, too. I was also in an abusive relationship and am afraid to share that information with a potential bf. I can only think to show my strengths first, and then slowly talk about it in terms of story. I mean framing it in terms of story, at first, so that someone gets the idea in a gentle kind of way.
SoaringPhenix Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 It would certainly turn me off, not so much the fact that you were abused but the fact that you allowed it to continue for years tells me a lot. This post tells me a lot about you, which is nothing good.
Stefanie Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Perhaps it was a bit early to share something so heavy. I don't know how long you'd been seeing him but I wouldn't share anything about my previous relationships unless I had to, and that would be after I knew we were going steady and I trusted him enough to know he wouldn't be scared off. The 'dating' process for guys is preferably light and fun. They want to get to know all your good points so they find you're worth hanging around. The serious stuff is more gradual and strengthens that initial connection. Women start a relationship by trying to find the emotional connections as early as possible. We're just built differently. That being said, you should see if he'll contact you soon and if he does, don't bring it up straight away. He's dating you, so he clearly likes the 'you' he knows now. So don't become too bogged down and emotional or he'll only be more wary of where the relationship is going. Keep being the woman he was attracted to in the beginning. At some point, if you feel it's safe, you can say: "hey, sorry that you had to hear about my past. I'm a lot stronger now and I enjoy being with you." Make it sound like this is all new and different, that he and this relationship is different and you're loving life. Note: Never, ever use your past as an excuse for anything in this new relationship. If you start arguing and you try to win by saying: "but I was in a abusive relationship!", he'll run for the hills. Men hate that and I think he's slightly afraid of it happening.
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