Mangledmess Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Hello. My ex fiancé and I were together for three years. Had a beautiful baby boy together last August so he is a couple days away from being one. At first I did what every guy does. Ask her to come home, tell her you love her, and so on. The breakup was generally my fault because I had started heavily drinking behind her back. I ended up admitting everything to her and a little while later, she took our son and filed for full custody. It has only been a month and I want my family back very badly. I am currently staying with family and haven't drank since July 27th. I have been going to the gym, lost about 20 pounds and getting my muscle tone back. Not all the way there yet though... Either way, I am not trying to manipulate her in any way, but listen to her and give her what she needs. After I realized she needed space, I told her I agreed with the breakup and the important thing now is our son. I let that set in for a few days. I am creating a first year baby photo book and I ran across one of our favorite pictures together. I ended up texting it to her and said "was just looking through some pictures, and this one just reminded me how much I consider you as my best friend". She sent a little smiley face back so I am pretty sure she received it well. Well this morning she texted me "Good morning. How are you doing?" I like to think of this as a good sign that she is reaching out but unsure. I will be meeting up with her and my son tomorrow to spend some time together. I also read the grass is greener post and unsure if that's what's going on. Am I doing the right things? Is there a good chance or at least hope for us? Thanks!
barky2 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Gigs.....no.....at least I don't think. IMHO, she was taken back by your drinking. I'm sure she just wanted change and for you to stop. Which you have. Congrats its not easy . When you guys meet up, don't beg plead ect. Just be a father to your child. Be cordial. Is it a good sign? Of course , she cares about you but I'm sire is hesitant about how much progress you've made. One warning....do not TELL her how much you've changed, SHOW her Do not talk about it, sure if she brings it up , answer the question. Hope it works out with you....you've made the necessary steps to change...so now put it into play without talking about it. Barky
Author Mangledmess Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Gigs.....no.....at least I don't think. IMHO, she was taken back by your drinking. I'm sure she just wanted change and for you to stop. Which you have. Congrats its not easy . When you guys meet up, don't beg plead ect. Just be a father to your child. Be cordial. Is it a good sign? Of course , she cares about you but I'm sire is hesitant about how much progress you've made. One warning....do not TELL her how much you've changed, SHOW her Do not talk about it, sure if she brings it up , answer the question. Hope it works out with you....you've made the necessary steps to change...so now put it into play without talking about it. Barky This was actually what I had planned to do. I realize that you can not change a woman's mind with words, but you can change their perspective with actions and proof. Tomorrow I just plan to spend the most time possible with them, not talk about our relationship and just have fun. I honestly do feel like the person she met in the beginning. I have had tons of stress on me while we were together by trying to balance 5 different responsibilities at once and I ended up not sleeping then drinking to sleep. I had no problem quitting after I gave up the extra roles that was he during me. I just wasn't sure if she is just trying to be friends for the sake of our child or not. She told me at the beginning of the break up that I needed to work on myself and she couldn't be there as a crutch to lean on. I needed to do it for myself and alone and not be codependent. I agree with her now. She said that she did want to work things out in the future and after my mistakes of smothering and begging her, she told me it was over for good. I just hope she only felt that way at the time because so many people were trying to push and pull her in different directions...and sadly I was one of them.
barky2 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I don't think its friendship. I think its that, she senses a change and wants to see it for herself. That's why I said don't talk about it. Just be friendly and let it roll. I'm sure shell ask u a million questions. If she wants to talk about you guys, say hey, id love to, but right now can we just be a family and have fun with our child? Put a smile on your face....it'll drive her nuts you didn't jump all over it More than likely, if you play your cards right, you'll be leaving there in the drivers seat. Good luck man. Barky
darkmoon Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) I don't think its friendship. I think its that, she senses a change and wants to see it for herself. That's why I said don't talk about it. Just be friendly and let it roll. I'm sure shell ask u a million questions. If she wants to talk about you guys, say hey, id love to, but right now can we just be a family and have fun with our child? Put a smile on your face....it'll drive her nuts you didn't jump all over it More than likely, if you play your cards right, you'll be leaving there in the drivers seat. Good luck man. Barky while she has a lil baby to look after? that's not fun but responsibilty yow, that's a gross suggestion - "play your cards right" no, he must be a parent 100% now...18 years to go Edited August 21, 2013 by darkmoon
Author Mangledmess Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 while she has a lil baby to look after? that's not fun but responsibilty yow, that's a gross suggestion - "play your cards right" no, he must be a parent 100% now...18 years to go I am doing everything in my power to be a parent to my son full time. I do not want him to grow up in a broken home or any other bad situation. Drinking included. I don't think that was a gross suggestion though. Honestly, no contact, don't be a booty call, etc...all of these are tactics. They are just playing the hand dealt to you. And I do agree with him. If we talk about "us" then it would most likely end up with me telling her I want her back and show desperation to a point. I am pretty sure he is saying to leave the ball in her court to make a full reconciliation and not to put myself in the position of trying to change her mind with words, but actions alone.
barky2 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 while she has a lil baby to look after? that's not fun but responsibilty yow, that's a grosts suggestion - "play your cards right" no, he must be a parent 100% now...18 years to go Idk why u jumped down my throat? Do you think I need to tell someone their child is first and foremost? Re read everything up to your post. Pretty sure its specified. ' Be a father to your child". Anyway. Ya man honestly, in the back of her mind it does somewhat seem like a test...my best friends wife did it to him. When he just wanted to play with his son and she wanted to talk about the relationship and he said no we can do that another time, walked away from her and played with his son....she gave me a look like the fug? What just happened. Like I said, if she wants to bring up relationship, tell her you can get together another time BC right now you want to be with your child...be nice, be flirty, but be persistent. Barky
darkmoon Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) Idk why u jumped down my throat? Do you think I need to tell someone their child is first and foremost? Re read everything up to your post. Pretty sure its specified. ' Be a father to your child". Anyway. Ya man honestly, in the back of her mind it does somewhat seem like a test...my best friends wife did it to him. When he just wanted to play with his son and she wanted to talk about the relationship and he said no we can do that another time, walked away from her and played with his son....she gave me a look like the fug? What just happened. Like I said, if she wants to bring up relationship, tell her you can get together another time BC right now you want to be with your child...be nice, be flirty, but be persistent. Barky I did not jump anywhere, tell me what makes you think parenting is only "fun" as you put it, nappy-washing is not fun, for example, nor is finding school-uniform money, not to mention year in year out other expenses, family life is not about playing mind-games to make a busy mother have to handle a guy that you think must be "in the driver's seat" rather than along side his baby's mother, you make me sad for her, a needy (no other kind) baby and a semi-available father sound awful Edited August 21, 2013 by darkmoon
barky2 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I did not jump anywhere, tell me what makes you think parenting is only "fun" as you put it, nappy-washing is not fun, for example, nor is finding school-uniform money, not to mention year in year out other expenses, family life is not about playing mind-games to make a busy mother have to handle a guy that you think must be "in the driver's seat" rather than along side her baby's mother Your obviously very bitter about something that is not revelant to this topic or anything I said. What I said was, and once again you can re read it, is to go HAVE FUN WITH HIS CHILD. He wants his family back. He did not chose to end it. He wants to be the man he's suppose to be and he recognized his drinking was getting in the way of that so he stopped. Stop me if I'm wrong? Good now I'll keep going. What I'm doing is trying to help out someone and put him in the best place to get his family back because that's where he's happiest. Your bitterness towards me has not given any help to someone who's come on here looking for help. Get your damn mind right before trying to attack me. Gracias. Barky
Author Mangledmess Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Yeah honestly the negative comments aren't really helping. My plan was the same as Barkys advice. Anyone else with advice? 1
darkmoon Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) Your obviously very bitter about something that is not revelant to this topic or anything I said. What I said was, and once again you can re read it, is to go HAVE FUN WITH HIS CHILD. He wants his family back. He did not chose to end it. He wants to be the man he's suppose to be and he recognized his drinking was getting in the way of that so he stopped. Stop me if I'm wrong? Good now I'll keep going. What I'm doing is trying to help out someone and put him in the best place to get his family back because that's where he's happiest. Your bitterness towards me has not given any help to someone who's come on here looking for help. Get your damn mind right before trying to attack me. Gracias. Barky tell me what you know about parenting, please from the man's and then the woman's pov Edited August 21, 2013 by darkmoon
barky2 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 tell me what you know about parenting, please Is this about me? No. Its not. I was helping op. If u got something to say pm me. Don't hijack his thread because your having a bad day. And what do I know? Nothing. I've been thru a ectopic pregnancy and 5 miscarriages with my girl. I have 12 neiecs and 5 nephews and I'm a god father to 12 kids outside of my family. Personally no, I've never been up at night. But u want to know something wiseass? Id give my left arm to be. Get off this thread because your attacking me and not helping op. Have a blessed day. Barky.
barky2 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Yeah honestly the negative comments aren't really helping. My plan was the same as Barkys advice. Anyone else with advice? Good luck op. I wish you nothing but the best, I apologize for this woman's bitterness. Keep me updated and let me know how it goes. Barky
darkmoon Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Is this about me? No. Its not. I was helping op. If u got something to say pm me. Don't hijack his thread because your having a bad day. And what do I know? Nothing. I've been thru a ectopic pregnancy and 5 miscarriages with my girl. I have 12 neiecs and 5 nephews and I'm a god father to 12 kids outside of my family. Personally no, I've never been up at night. But u want to know something wiseass? Id give my left arm to be. Get off this thread because your attacking me and not helping op. Have a blessed day. Barky. okay, and now parenting from the woman's point of view
Author Mangledmess Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 tell me what you know about parenting, please from the man's and then the woman's pov Look! I will tell you what I know about parenting. I have been the primary care giver to my son ever since he was born! I want the best for him and I know that the best is for his mother and father to be there for him TOGETHER! I will do whatever it takes to provide the best situation possible for my child and protect him. I don't care if it is actual psychology at work or not. She needs to see a change in me and barky has the correct advise. Be there, have fun with my child, be a parent and actually help produce a healthy family and environment for all of us. Thanks for trolling my thread so that others will not give any advise or anything but just move on to the next one...
JDPT Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) You are very fortunate she is giving in this quickly and should take advantage of this positive momentum. You have made changes for the good and it's a matter of you being consistent with these changes as you are now aware of what she is capable of doing. By no means should you feel like you are walking on eggshells but simply make the commitment to be consistent with the changes that she will see and end up liking. Find healthier ways to cope with stress and it might be a good idea to see professional help as well. I think you just spooked her out hence the drastic decisions she had to make to protect your child. As previously stated, show her that you can take charge and lead this family towards success and harmony. Edited August 21, 2013 by JDPT 2
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