Beebie Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 It’s 4 years since I posted my story on here. I won’t go into all the details now except to say my husband of 15 years suddenly left me for another woman. He told me he was unhappy in our marriage and swore blind there was no-one else, which was lie because he had been seeing someone else for 8 months before he left me. The reason I’m posting now is I simply haven’t moved on in all this time. We were separated for over 3 years and finally divorced early this year. In all this time I’ve been an emotional mess. I can’t even think about meeting anyone else because I still love my ex-husband and think about him all the time. I miss him so much. I look around the house we shared together and it feels so empty. It’s like I see his ghost everywhere. I’m pretty sure he’s happy in his new life (looked him up on Twitter and Facebook) and wonder why it couldn’t have been us together. He admitted he treated me badly, so why is he the one living a happy life whilst I am still grieving for the life we had together. I do the best I can to live a normal life, and sometimes it’s OK, but it feels like something is missing. I guess I just haven’t got used to being divorced. I miss him so much, even though I know if he came back tomorrow it wouldn’t make things right. Why do I feel like this? Why can’t I move on? I do meet my friends and hang out but I feel so empty. I feel like I’m stuck in the past and I just want things to be the way they were 5 years ago.
Yasuandio Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Hon, I totally feel you. The same sort of thing happent about five years ago to me, and moving on is still a trial. You are not alone. However, there have been great strides in my progress since the divorce, I can identify exactly what gets me off track. And I am wondering if there are some similar obstacles that are in your path, or occasionally cross your path that may be preventing your movement forward. For example, you speak of your home, the emptiness. What do you mean by that? Also, have you removed all memories and his property, and any reminders of your former husband out of the home? Let's start there. Yas
Author Beebie Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Thanks Yasuandio. Yes, everything of his has gone from the home. Everywhere has been redecorated and changed so, in a way, it's a new home but still he's here in spirit. I cannot move from this house because I cannot afford to buy him out and vice versa. We were together 18 years and married for 15 years. There were no children from the marriage, so there's nothing for us to remain in touch. I still love him and if he's happy then that pleases me, except I haven't found the same happiness post divorce.
Chixmom Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 It does take longer when you are blindsided and lied to. You mention the house a great deal. You must feel in a way trapped where you reside and his ghost is there which redecorating doesn't seem to help. Do you have options such as selling it and have enough money left to purchase another home? Can you rent it out and live elsewhere to see if remaining in the house is what triggers your emotions? Just brainstorming. Sometimes just talking to other's going through the same agony helps. We are always here to help with ideas or just listen.
Author Beebie Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 The house is causing me some emotional problems in that we shared it together, but I can't sell it and I can't rent it out, so I'm stuck here for the time being. I blame myself for looking up my ex on Facebook and Twitter. I shouldn't have done that but I've been thinking of him so much I couldn't resist. When I saw pictures of his young niece and nephew it really hurt me. The last time I saw them they were very young and I just miss them all so much. Even after all this time I still find it hard to come to terms with what happened to us. I thought we'd be together forever.
RightThere Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Have you ever done any counseling? Either in group settings or one-on-one? You may find it beneficial as to get some release out of your system and find new ways to distract you and help move along. 1
Yasuandio Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 The house is causing me some emotional problems in that we shared it together, but I can't sell it and I can't rent it out, so I'm stuck here for the time being. I blame myself for looking up my ex on Facebook and Twitter. I shouldn't have done that but I've been thinking of him so much I couldn't resist. When I saw pictures of his young niece and nephew it really hurt me. The last time I saw them they were very young and I just miss them all so much. Even after all this time I still find it hard to come to terms with what happened to us. I thought we'd be together forever. OK, Hon, for starters, you absolutely have to STOP this behavior immediately. Looking at the niece an nephew (his blood relatives) is the same thing as drawing his family tree on your living room wall. The niece and nephew are no longer your family, and no longer your business. Cut all ties. In fact, stop FB all together, and begin associating with FaceReal (real faces in public). [i need to take my own advice]. De-friend and disconect from anyone associated with former husband, his new squeeze, or their relatives, period. Then, stay off the computer. When this has been accomplished, let me know. Yas 1
vla1120 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Counseling is a good start. Also, consider getting involved in something new that interests you. Pick up on a hobby you've always been drawn to, but never had the time nor energy for. Put yourself out there. Like Yas said, stop the FB and Twitter. It is very counterproductive and brings nothing but pain. I know you said you cannot at this point, but FIND A WAY TO GET OUT FROM UNDER THAT HOUSE! Where there is a will there's a way. Just before the market crash, we were stuck in a home that was on a busy highway. I wanted out, but everyone said I'd be stuck there the rest of my life because they were widening the highway. Guess what? I sold that house. Where I should have come out with some money from the deal, I broke even. I don't regret that. It can be done if you out your mind to it. It sounds like it is still marital property? Get a lawyer to tell him to buy you out. There are ways. You need a fresh start and you need to allow yourself to move on.
M30USA Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you the one who filed for divorce?
Author Beebie Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 Some good advice given that I needed to hear. It was a moment of weakness going on FB and Twitter and all it did was upset me. I need to pick myself up and focus on what I can do to change things. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you the one who filed for divorce? No, I sought advice from a Solicitor in the first few weeks after my ex left, but neither of us initiated divorce proceedings at that stage. My ex eventually filed for divorce last year on the grounds we had been separated for over 2 years.
Steadfast Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 (edited) Question: Would you love him this much if he wasn't a cheater? Would you love him this much if he adored you? If he'd never left? Would you? Sometimes we desperately want what we can't have. I suggest you separate the want from the need. Distinguish longing from loving. In any case, try to come to terms that a part of you will always have feelings for him. What's wrong with that? Sometimes we prolong suffering by trying to beat down the heart, but it won't have it. So many forget that when real love is challenged, it'll fight back even harder to retain what it owns. Don't do this to yourself. Don't take on things beyond your control. In the midst of all this must come the reality that he's not coming back. Accept that your love for him is true, and his isn't. Truth, honesty and clarity must be present to promote true, lasting healing. Humility wins! In time, all betrayed spouses come to the crossroads you are now facing. Going left keeps you in longing limbo. This path is wide and easy; you just drift along...wishing and hoping for what's been lost. Going right takes you on a new path, but the way is rocky, scary and steep. Good things come to those who take their futures back. It isn't easy...ask anyone whose done it. Still, nothing good ever comes easy. You must first desire it. Do you? Do you want to be happy? Whole? Wishing and hoping won't bring it. You've come to the right place for help. The ladies here will expertly guide you out of where you are and back to where you belong. Welcome back. Edited August 22, 2013 by Steadfast 3
ShannonBanana Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 (edited) Hi Beebie, I'm sorry you are going through the emotional slump you have been in. I have a few thoughts: Not sure if you are into reading book, but I thought the oldie Leave Him Behind: Cutting the Cord And Breaking Free After the Marriage Ends by Sandra Kahn is right up your alley. It's written for women who are having a tough time letting go, even years later. I'm a huge believer in the force of energy around us and it sounds to me like his energy might still be in the house. I had this once happen years ago and I 'cleaned' the energy from my apartment and found it to really help. I was actually surprised by how much it helped. Here is a link to some ideas for this: Inspired Everyday Living - A Happy Home and Life If that doesn't work, you need to figure out a way to sell the house to give yourself a fresh start. There must be a solution. Not every solution feels great to do and you may have to cut some losses, but this is your emotional wellbeing in the balance. Sometimes I find that we simply have not given ourselves permission to move on and I wonder if that is the case for you. It can be hard to even *want* to let go of someone we love or the situation we felt familiar with. Maybe holding on feels better or we think that by holding on we can regain it again in the future. But in fact, you have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain by giving bidding adieu to the past and starting to embrace your future. Even in some symbolic gesture, like writing everything down and burning the paper. Or visual imagery of blowing up a balloon and with every breath putting your memories and pain inside and then letting that balloon float into the air until it turns into a little speck...and then gone. It may take a few times to get it all out, but this has really helped me. Or the visual imagery of packing bags with all the memories, the pain, the good and throwing them into a car. Hell, maybe even put him in the car too, sitting uncomfortably on top of all the stuff, hunched over with his head hitting the roof ;-) ......and watch that car drive down the road and out of sight. And what about creating a life you are looking forward to? For me, creating goals and plans for a future that I am deeply EXCITED about is helping me to forget all about the past. It's high time to start planning a future that you are excited about. What do you want your life to look like in 1, 3, 5 years? Really think about that and write it down. Even the act of writing it can help make it come true. What is something you always wanted to do, but never put the wheels in motion? How can you create the life you would look forward to? Start writing a plan of action. And when you think about your Ex, redirect your thoughts to something that makes you happy. Don't go there anymore. He's not paying rent for the space he is taking up in your head! And I do think getting counselling would be very advantageous. It sounds like you are in the UK, so there are a variety of charity organisations that provide counselling for very reasonable prices. Take your time to find a counsellor you think will be the most helpful for you. Not every counsellor is a good fit for everyone. Edited August 22, 2013 by ShannonBanana 1
health Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 It’s 4 years since I posted my story on here. I won’t go into all the details now except to say my husband of 15 years suddenly left me for another woman. He told me he was unhappy in our marriage and swore blind there was no-one else, which was lie because he had been seeing someone else for 8 months before he left me. The reason I’m posting now is I simply haven’t moved on in all this time. We were separated for over 3 years and finally divorced early this year. In all this time I’ve been an emotional mess. I can’t even think about meeting anyone else because I still love my ex-husband and think about him all the time. I miss him so much. I look around the house we shared together and it feels so empty. It’s like I see his ghost everywhere. I’m pretty sure he’s happy in his new life (looked him up on Twitter and Facebook) and wonder why it couldn’t have been us together. He admitted he treated me badly, so why is he the one living a happy life whilst I am still grieving for the life we had together. I do the best I can to live a normal life, and sometimes it’s OK, but it feels like something is missing. I guess I just haven’t got used to being divorced. I miss him so much, even though I know if he came back tomorrow it wouldn’t make things right. Why do I feel like this? Why can’t I move on? I do meet my friends and hang out but I feel so empty. I feel like I’m stuck in the past and I just want things to be the way they were 5 years ago. I understand you. Keep healing and following your conscience. I could potentially be in a new relationship, I feel like this new girl likes me. However deep down in my heart, I still don't think I'm ready to date and it's been 4 years since my main relationship of 5 years ended. I've dated here and there, but not ready for anything serious. Besides, I'm having a tonne of fun working, taking care of my apartment and going to school! lol Keep at it!
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