Running out of choices

[millerband86]

I've been with this girl for 10 months now and we are very much in love wanting to get married etc. even looking for a house.

 

Last night we are talking and she mention how she think her parents may have given her bad advice about taking so much on at a theater she works at and also taking a job in sales she is starting soon, she has mentioned she has taken to much on.

 

I told her i'm not a big fan of her new job because it is purely commission based and I think it would be better to have a job with a set wage.

 

She gets upset/crying saying "why did you say all that? now your stressing me out I was already worried" so I got defensive and said "I'm sorry I effing care about you and don't want to see you in a bad situation"

 

I admit I was wrong to curse at her I never have before but I felt insulted that she took my concern and threw it in my face as not being supportive and only stressing her out.

 

We go on talking and she says how i always dump my "worries" on her and that I need to work through these worries myself and not always put them on her.

 

But the things I bring up are about choices she makes that affect our relationship, like taking on jobs that leave no time for us and she has dreams to own a theater so when marriage comes into the conversation I feel like it behooves me to know what kind of relationship i'm getting into.

 

I'm not here to tell people whats right and wrong but for me, being in a relationship with someone that is working all the time and has no free time just doesn't work.

 

She referred to a conversation we had a week ago that she says dragged on when all it should have been was that money is her priority and she is willing to sacrifice time with me to make extra money. Thats fine for her but it's as if she doesn't stop to think if it will be ok with me, and if i'm willing to make that sacrifice, because frankly i'm not.

 

I feel like she turned around and dumped all of the issues we've had on me as my fault and my problems, when again my concerns are always centered around where does the relationship fit in?

 

It's as if she assumes everything will just work out. but thats the thing, it may work for her but it may not work for me and i feel like she doesn't consider that.

 

She always says we'll make it work etc. and let me say she is a sweetheart and she will put effort in but alot of time its just the fact of her not having the time.

 

I feel like for her the theater and money are always coming first, when it wasnt always that way. Until she started work at the theater our relationship was undoubtedly her first priority.

 

And it chaps me because she'll ask me if I talked to the realtor or when i'm planning on proposing etc. but she doesn't seem to realize i'm not going to propose when I have no clue how things will be say 5 years from now. And the current impressions i'm getting are that they wont be suitable for me, that she'll be working as much as possible taking as many jobs as she can and i'll be taking a backseat.

 

But now i'm at an impasse. I can either wait it out to see how things go after her current job at the theater ends and her schedule clears up or end the relationship now because it's abundantly clear it isn't her priority anymore.

 

With all that said I should mention I am her first boyfriend so maybe she is just not used to balancing another persons needs along with her plans. That may be me rationalizing things but it's worth mentioning.

 

I'm lost as to what to do, i dont want to stress her out but i also cant just sit on my feelings and pretend like i'm ok with how things are going.

 

And as a PS I do not doubt that she loves me and I can trust her fully so please dont bring in cheating/affair type talk I know that isn't going on.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I think she has a right to work to earn money, without having to think about whether you give your permission or not. Very few people work that hard and those long hours unless they have to for financial or ambitious reasons.

 

Having said that, if she knew you would be upset with less time together, she could have been decent enough to talk it over with you... as a courtesy. And she didn't, so I guess that tells you a bit about how much she takes you into account. Personally I think that life will always be busy and difficult and if you can't fit a relationship into your life, you don't want it badly enough.

 

I work 70-80 hours a week, and I make time to see my boyfriend because I love him and he's the first person I want to spend time with when I can, and we have made it work in our first two months (I know it isn't long!), I'd be wary of being together if he complained I was too busy for him. I'd rather someone support me, encourage me, and understand that working for my goals is important to me, and that I would never sacrifice that for a relationship that hasn't even lasted a year (you've been together 10 months!)

 

I think it'd do you really well to start getting busy yourself, I don't know your current situation but fill your time with work, volunteering, socialising, activities, hobbies, so that you're not sat around missing her and waiting for her to finish work all the time. I'm sure she'd be relieved to have a little less pressure from you for her time. I need a little complain to somebody every now and then about how I feel I've taken too much on (I work a full time placement for my full time MA, work another 30hr job evenings and weekends and volunteer four hours a week) because realistically I have, but it's all necessary to get to where I want to be in life, and sacrifices need to be made. That means being dead on my feet seven days a week after an eight hour day at best, and a 14 hour day at average.

 

She puts working hard and long over your relationship right now, and you don't agree with that. Neither of you are objectively in the wrong, you just want different things right now. What kind of schedule are we talking about, here?

Edited August 21, 2013 by acrosstheuniverse

[acrosstheuniverse]

Also, you have two outcomes if you make her feel pressured to give up some of her hours in order to spend more time with you. a) she does it, and feels bitter and resentful towards you and b) she refuses, and breaks up with you because her career is more important and she just doesn't feel she can balance both of you.

[emva07]

She wants a good career in her future. I doubt she wants to do two jobs for the rest of her life, but right now she must be building up her resume/skills/making money for the house, etc. See what happens after the theatre is over. Tough economy out there to be leaving jobs because of the schedules they give you.

 

Seems like you two love each other, don't let go of it. Be patient, try to come to a negotiation. Then if you absolutely can't bare it anymore, do what you have to do.

[millerband86]

I think she has a right to work to earn money, without having to think about whether you give your permission or not. Very few people work that hard and those long hours unless they have to for financial or ambitious reasons.

 

Having said that, if she knew you would be upset with less time together, she could have been decent enough to talk it over with you... as a courtesy. And she didn't, so I guess that tells you a bit about how much she takes you into account. Personally I think that life will always be busy and difficult and if you can't fit a relationship into your life, you don't want it badly enough.

 

I work 70-80 hours a week, and I make time to see my boyfriend because I love him and he's the first person I want to spend time with when I can, and we have made it work in our first two months (I know it isn't long!), I'd be wary of being together if he complained I was too busy for him. I'd rather someone support me, encourage me, and understand that working for my goals is important to me, and that I would never sacrifice that for a relationship that hasn't even lasted a year (you've been together 10 months!)

 

I think it'd do you really well to start getting busy yourself, I don't know your current situation but fill your time with work, volunteering, socialising, activities, hobbies, so that you're not sat around missing her and waiting for her to finish work all the time. I'm sure she'd be relieved to have a little less pressure from you for her time. I need a little complain to somebody every now and then about how I feel I've taken too much on (I work a full time placement for my full time MA, work another 30hr job evenings and weekends and volunteer four hours a week) because realistically I have, but it's all necessary to get to where I want to be in life, and sacrifices need to be made. That means being dead on my feet seven days a week after an eight hour day at best, and a 14 hour day at average.

 

She puts working hard and long over your relationship right now, and you don't agree with that. Neither of you are objectively in the wrong, you just want different things right now. What kind of schedule are we talking about, here?

 

You make some good points. You are right about the courtesy talk, she doesn't always take me into account because she's been single her whole life and she is very secure in the relationship. But she has been lately, which I do appreciate.

 

Right now she hasn't started the second job but the theater has her working from 7-11 each night so she often doesn't get home until 11:30-12.

 

I work a regular job get home about 3-5 each day so during the week there is no time. And spending the night doesn't work well because I get up at 5am.

 

When she starts this new job it will be a daytime thing which is good but I just want to know her approach to the theater thereafter. You are right neither of us will be in the wrong but again i don't know if I can be in a relationship in which I rarely see my lover.

 

I have been thinking about keeping busier like you said it would definitely help and I think that may be my issue. After work i basically do whatever whether its exercise or just hanging out at the house.

 

I guess what is jarring is going from her no.1 priority to a now distant second.

 

Parts of me think I am being unfair to her and parts of me think i'm letting her dictate the relationship.

 

she has said she'd quit the theater for me which I would never have her do because of what exactly you said, I just feel like it doesn't have to be all theater all the time.

[millerband86]

Also, you have two outcomes if you make her feel pressured to give up some of her hours in order to spend more time with you. a) she does it, and feels bitter and resentful towards you and b) she refuses, and breaks up with you because her career is more important and she just doesn't feel she can balance both of you.

 

She wouldn't break up with me thats the thing. Maybe if I was crazy and kept nagging away but i'm not its really been 4-5 discussions over the length of 3 or so months.

[FitChick]

Why does she want to own a theater? I assume you mean stage not cinema. Both of those, however, lose money these days.

[acrosstheuniverse]

You make some good points. You are right about the courtesy talk, she doesn't always take me into account because she's been single her whole life and she is very secure in the relationship. But she has been lately, which I do appreciate.

 

Right now she hasn't started the second job but the theater has her working from 7-11 each night so she often doesn't get home until 11:30-12.

 

I work a regular job get home about 3-5 each day so during the week there is no time. And spending the night doesn't work well because I get up at 5am.

 

When she starts this new job it will be a daytime thing which is good but I just want to know her approach to the theater thereafter. You are right neither of us will be in the wrong but again i don't know if I can be in a relationship in which I rarely see my lover.

 

I have been thinking about keeping busier like you said it would definitely help and I think that may be my issue. After work i basically do whatever whether its exercise or just hanging out at the house.

 

I guess what is jarring is going from her no.1 priority to a now distant second.

 

Parts of me think I am being unfair to her and parts of me think i'm letting her dictate the relationship.

 

she has said she'd quit the theater for me which I would never have her do because of what exactly you said, I just feel like it doesn't have to be all theater all the time.

 

I understand. I mean, it's coming from a place of love, you want to see her because you love her. But put it into perspective: you've been together ten months. You might be thinking of marriage, or a house, but you haven't even been together a full year, you haven't had your first anniversary. That's a little premature to be thinking that a relationship should have the same weight in her life as her future and her career (and what sounds like her passion).

 

Right now you're just her boyfriend she's been dating a few seasons. Even if she does really love and care for you, it's a hell of a lot to ask somebody to even remotely stifle their budding career because you don't get to see her enough.

 

You just gotta make it work with what you have. Sometimes I'll spend the night with my boyfriend even if I don't get home until 11pm and he gets up for work at 5:30am, being able to kiss each other goodnight and sleep in each other's arms is sadly the best we can do sometimes.

 

Do you live together? Maybe that would help. Sharing the same space, waking up and going to sleep in the same bed every night can go a long way towards making you feel closer as a couple even if you're still not getting much quality time in together.