Subordinate Question

[BreakOnThrough]

I am currently a manager and manage three Women (I am a Male). I always find it difficult when they share personal "mostly female" information with me, as I am generally a private person and don't typically share personal details about myself with anyone. I never know what to say and feel somewhat awkward about it. I sometimes feel that potential lines are crossed and have said on several occasions that I don't want to hear specific details about certain things. Generally, the point of the conversations are to request time-off, although I have mentioned on previous instances that I don't care what the reasons are, do what you have to do. Do other managers typically feel this way and what is the most appropriate way to handle such? I don't want to come off as uncaring, but I have enough of my own stuff to worry about without getting dragged into the personal affairs of my employees.

[nyccc]

What sort of thing are they oversharing about? Relationships, health problems?

 

I'd guess that they're either just comfortable enough with you that they don't consider it odd to say in front of you OR they're going for the oversharing 'female problems' tactic of trying to make you uncomfortable and more willing to give them time off

[BreakOnThrough]

What sort of thing are they oversharing about? Relationships, health problems?

 

I'd guess that they're either just comfortable enough with you that they don't consider it odd to say in front of you OR they're going for the oversharing 'female problems' tactic of trying to make you uncomfortable and more willing to give them time off

 

Thanks nyccc -

 

One of my employees, tells me about her boyfriend, how they don't get along, etc. She also mentioned that she was breaking up wth him, a month before she actually did (I felt a bit weird that I knew before him). Another one tells me about her son and how he has abuse problems, if she has "female issues", if their family members are having surgery, whether she “got some” last night, or if it’s been awhile.

 

I am not sure they want me to feel uncomfortable because I never deny time off, I could care a less why they take the time.

[UpwardForward]

Thanks nyccc -

 

One of my employees, tells me about her boyfriend, how they don't get along, etc. She also mentioned that she was breaking up wth him, a month before she actually did (I felt a bit weird that I knew before him). Another one tells me about her son and how he has abuse problems, if she has "female issues", if their family members are having surgery, whether she “got some” last night, or if it’s been awhile.

 

I am not sure they want me to feel uncomfortable because I never deny time off, I could care a less why they take the time.

 

Females to a male : Either they are giving you a bad time, or they are the reason women shouldn't be in the 'working world' - or off the reservation. Unprofessional.

Edited August 21, 2013 by UpwardForward

[BreakOnThrough]

This is so incredibly inappropriate, but I lol'd when I read it. Well, you are the boss if you are starting to feel uncomfortable it is time to lay down the law.

 

Yeah, that's pretty complicated. I work in a unionized environment and the only way to discipline someone is to fill out stacks of paperwork and get a ton of people involved. Try having an effective working relationship after all that. I am, therefore, pretty much a manager without any teeth.

[CC12]

Could you make up some sort of form for them to fill out and leave on your desk when they need days off? Take the need for a discussion out of it.

 

If that's not possible, you'll just have to deflect the conversation. Don't be afraid to interrupt them and say something like, "That's unfortunate. What day are you requesting off?" Or be more direct - "Marie, this conversation is inappropriate for the workplace." Or send out a memo reminding them that certain topics, such as their personal romantic lives or bodily functions, are unprofessional and should take place outside the office. Cite some relevant union policy or text from the employee handbook. Surely there's something in there about unsuitable workplace topics.

 

I'm wondering (assuming these conversations take place in the open and not just privately with you) if maybe others are just as uncomfortable with it as you are. It's your job as their manager to make sure people don't have to work in that kind of environment. So don't worry about coming off as uncaring. You actually don't care, and that's not a bad thing. Obviously, it would be different if they had a dying family member or something, but seriously, not caring about whether they're breaking up with a boyfriend or "getting some" is perfectly reasonable.

[Taramere]

Thanks nyccc -

 

One of my employees, tells me about her boyfriend, how they don't get along, etc. She also mentioned that she was breaking up wth him, a month before she actually did (I felt a bit weird that I knew before him). Another one tells me about her son and how he has abuse problems, if she has "female issues", if their family members are having surgery, whether she “got some” last night, or if it’s been awhile.

 

I am not sure they want me to feel uncomfortable because I never deny time off, I could care a less why they take the time.

 

I would say "If you need to take time off for personal reasons then that's fine. I respect employees' privacy so please don't feel you need to go into the ins and outs of why you need to take it unless you feel it's important that I know. Obviously if there were a problem that resulted in you needing to take a lot of personal leave then we would have to sit down and discuss it then - but if it's just a day here or there to attend to some short term personal issues, then we don't need to have that discussion."

 

Just to add - I wouldn't really have expected somebody in a managerial position to need to ask that question. What sort of training have you had in managing people? It's all very well to be a quiet person, but if you're a manager to whom employees have to answer (and from whom they take instructions) then I think you do have to be in possession of people management skills. To my mind, that involves being fairly comfortable with people disclosing personal things to you. To say "I couldn't care less why they take the time" would trouble me if I were your boss. Partly because it suggests a certain level of apathy towards the organisation, and also because of the apathy towards the employee.

Edited August 23, 2013 by Taramere

[UpwardForward]

Could you make up some sort of form for them to fill out and leave on your desk when they need days off? Take the need for a discussion out of it.

 

.

 

Yes. A two or three part NCR form could keep all this 'time off' on a business level, and they'll know the requests and reasons are being documented.

[BreakOnThrough]

I would say "If you need to take time off for personal reasons then that's fine. I respect employees' privacy so please don't feel you need to go into the ins and outs of why you need to take it unless you feel it's important that I know. Obviously if there were a problem that resulted in you needing to take a lot of personal leave then we would have to sit down and discuss it then - but if it's just a day here or there to attend to some short term personal issues, then we don't need to have that discussion."

 

Just to add - I wouldn't really have expected somebody in a managerial position to need to ask that question. What sort of training have you had in managing people? It's all very well to be a quiet person, but if you're a manager to whom employees have to answer (and from whom they take instructions) then I think you do have to be in possession of people management skills. To my mind, that involves being fairly comfortable with people disclosing personal things to you. To say "I couldn't care less why they take the time" would trouble me if I were your boss. Partly because it suggests a certain level of apathy towards the organisation, and also because of the apathy towards the employee.

 

Thanks for the reply:

 

I respect your response and should have perhaps been a bit more clear.

'Not caring" simply meant that sharing personal information is not dependent on their desired outcome (time off in most cases). Not that I don't care about them on a personal level, I just don't need to know the "why" because in most cases, it turns out to be awkward/borderline inappropirate.

 

I understand that people may feel the need to justify their actions, but if I made it clear that it is completely not necessary, shouldn't that be enough?

[UpwardForward]

Thanks for the reply:

 

I respect your response and should have perhaps been a bit more clear.

'Not caring" simply meant that sharing personal information is not dependent on their desired outcome (time off in most cases). Not that I don't care about them on a personal level, I just don't need to know the "why" because in most cases, it turns out to be awkward/borderline inappropirate.

 

I understand that people may feel the need to justify their actions, but if I made it clear that it is completely not necessary, shouldn't that be enough?

 

Isn't it expected that employees give reason when calling in sick or taking an unscheduled day off?

 

I'm not talking about vacation time, or the employee's desire to take a sick day already offered by the employer - but for the off-schedule surprises.

 

If your company allows so many days/weeks vacation time - then I would think that would be scheduled in advance? Sick days are w/o pay if over a certain limit?

 

If human resources allows, a form could be in order. Let them put their personal problems in writing.

[Taramere]

Thanks for the reply:

 

I respect your response and should have perhaps been a bit more clear.

'Not caring" simply meant that sharing personal information is not dependent on their desired outcome (time off in most cases). Not that I don't care about them on a personal level, I just don't need to know the "why" because in most cases, it turns out to be awkward/borderline inappropirate.

 

Okay, yes I get you.

 

I understand that people may feel the need to justify their actions, but if I made it clear that it is completely not necessary, shouldn't that be enough?

 

I would say so. Is there a workplace counsellor that you could suggest they talk to? That might be a good way of steering them away from disclosing personal aspects of their lives that you'd really prefer not to hear about.

[HokeyReligions]

Thanks for the reply:

 

 

I understand that people may feel the need to justify their actions, but if I made it clear that it is completely not necessary, shouldn't that be enough?

 

Yes it should be enough but often it is not.

 

I'm female but have a similar situation. Its a tough spot at times because I want a good team but I must not lose my ability to lead because my subordinates are so comfortable that they lose respect for my position thereby destroying the work team.

 

I know I'm on the **** list of one of my people because I fired her friend. They both got so comfortable at one point that they began pushing like kids pushing boundries with their parents. I gave a verbal warning just to the person and then a documented verbal and finally she went over my head and got herself fired.

 

Talk to your team. Don't share too much of yourself and delegate work. Check with HR and if supported, start asking for doctors notes and be blunt about not wanting all the details unless its going to effect their ability to work or if they require special accommodation.

 

Sometimes it sucks to be in a management position with no one in the same level around you.

[LilGirlandOW]

I think you need to be more professional and possibly seek managerial training.

 

You're the head chef in the kitchen your bound to feel some heat.... if you want to succeed get used to it, seperate your feelings from their situations before your employees loose respect for you, stop telling you things you need to know and feel the need to lie to you. Your workplace will then become chaos.

[GG3]

A positive way to spin it.

 

"Look I trust you have good reason to take off. You don't have to explain. What days do you need?"

[tbf]

If employees are entitled to the time off, just create a form that doesn't ask for any reasons, strictly dates. This way, you can email them with your approval or if you need to decline, you can state why, such as another employee (name names so the two employees can E-mo at each other and come to you if there are any changes) is off or deadline issues.

[coffeebean201]

Females to a male : Either they are giving you a bad time, or they are the reason women shouldn't be in the 'working world' - or off the reservation. Unprofessional.

 

i don't even know how to respond to this....