Gf wants me to stop dancing...

[serial muse]

I don't think she's expecting me to stop. She hasn't ever asked me and at times she's admitted that she doesn't know if she is over reacting or if it's a normal concern.

 

She's a fairly smart girl and she can see that I'm usually supportive on her insecurities and she appreciates that. However she keeps asking because at the end of the day it makes her insecure and in her eyes it's something that we as a couple need to deal with.

 

EDIT: She also keeps mentioning how easy it is for a girl to fall head over heels when a guy knows how to dance and that I am just pretty much leading girls on, by being nice to them and dancing with them. Now I am not a girl. I know that when I dance I do it for me. For the girls who have tried dancing. Do you think it attracts you to the other person? Because for me it is really asexual. I could dance with a 70 y old woman or even a guy if he knew how to follow.

 

Well, honestly, I think it depends on the people involved. I was like you; I just enjoyed the dancing part, and as long as my partner didn't step on my feet or do wacky moves that I couldn't follow, I was happy. It didn't create attraction in me, and I certainly never felt lead on. Some of this might be cultural; I grew up in a place where everybody danced, pretty much - grandparents, five-year-olds, etc. So it was just joyful, not necessarily sexual, and that normalized it for me.

 

However, I'm sure that that isn't true for everyone, which is of course why you'll get differing opinions on this. I'm just here to say it's entirely possible.

 

It sounds like she really has these fears, and so you shouldn't just discount them, but it's a good thing that the lines of communication are open between you two.

 

Here's a question for you. You mention that when you danced with her in the past, she was unhappy because she didn't feel "special". (I'm paraphrasing, obviously.) In a sense, that bolsters your argument that it isn't particularly intimate for you - but perhaps you could work out a compromise with her where you only dance a certain type of dance with her, or where, when you dance with her specifically, you focus on it differently and think about how it can bond you together (meaning, not just thinking about dancing). Something to make her feel like your dances together are special and more intimate than your dances with anyone else.

Edited August 22, 2013 by serial muse

[Maleficent]

Just because you didn't give it up does not mean that you don't respect her feelings. It just means you are a human being who deserves to do the things you enjoy, and if this is one of them, you have every right to do it.

 

Actually, this involves him doing what makes her uncomfortable even though she clearly said it made her uncomfortable...so yeah I'd say he doesn't respect his feelings.

 

But I agree he deserves to do the things he enjoys. I just don't think telling his girlfriend 'well too bad hun, YOU'RE insecure so YOU deal with it' is going to make this relationship work. (now this may not be such a bad thing either....)

[Maleficent]

So lets play this out here... What happens when he stops dancing for, I don't know, 2 months. Couple months should be plenty of time for her to deal with her issues.

 

What happens when he goes to start back up again 2 months later and she is still uncomfortable with it?

 

The point a lot of people fail to understand is that yes there are 2 people in the relationship. Yes her feelings matter. But insecurity is on the person who HAS the insecurity, not on the person doing the insecurity causing behavior. SHE is the one who needs to either leave or get over it. The only thing he can do besides laying down and writing doormat on his forehead is try to reassure her that its fine, to take her with him, and to just remind her that she is over reacting.

 

If it continues to be a problem, that means that by simply voicing her concern, she is EXPECTING him to stop, because it bothers her. Which is not a compromise by the way, thats straight up emotional manipulation.

 

Then it's up to him (and not us) to decide if this is a situation he wants to keep dealing with. But I think he ought to give her a chance to manage her insecurities first...

[FitChick]

Fred Astaire spent weeks dancing with just one sexy woman while rehearsing and making a film and he danced with the most glamorous women in Hollywood. He was happily married to one woman until the day she died.

 

Your girlfriend needs to think of it as a sporting event. Let her come and watch you dance so she can see nothing is going on.

[Keenly]

Maleficent, can you please do me a huge favor? Please explain to me your contradictory opinions to me. I have a feeling its based entirely on a gender double standard that you posses, whether consciously or unconsciously .

 

 

In this thread, you say that the OPs woman has a valid concern, and that he should be more than willing to give her support on the issue (whether that's not dancing, cutting back, stopping for a little while, or whatever it is )

 

 

But then we have another thread going on right now where a man is feeling iffy that his girlfriend is having lunch with her boss. Now your response in that thread was completely dismissive to HIS feelings of insecurity, but when it comes to THIS woman's insecurity, its suddenly important and matters. Its because she is a woman isn't it? How exactly is that equal.

[Keenly]

And when football season kicks into high gear she'll complain if you go to sports bars because the waitresses are too hot. And if you decided to take swimming classes she'd be uncomfortable because there were women in swimsuits or bikinis. And if you ... look, it goes on and on and on. Where does it end? I'm all for considering your partner's feelings and insecurities and am very "pro" compromise but not when it's something completely ridiculous and not when the insecurities are irrational.

 

This isn't an erotic massage class, it's dancing. Yes you may dance sensually but is by no means sexual. I took a tango class about a year ago and it was far from a heavy bump & grind. You're not making love on the dance floor and if you're doing it right, it should amount to little more than simulated sensuality at best.

 

Where are you and why aren't we married.

Finally a logical female answer to the issue of insecurities and how couples deal with them .

[emva07]

I don't think you should give up dancing.

 

I'd say try to keep her in the loop more often? Invite her to come everytime, so that if she doesn't come it's her decision. Teach her, maybe she will enjoy and come to the classes as well.

 

Try to let her know her opinion matters, and then if she still is fussing about it at least you tried to do what you could (that to me would speak volumes and would make me realize that the man cares). Some people are just brats, lose a good person over something silly just to end up in the exact situation they wanted to avoid.

 

But if you were to leave the dancing for her, you would resent that. Resentment is a bad thing in relationships, causes anger, revenge, regret, etc.

 

If this is her way of "testing" your love for her, she will do it with everything, like contrefaire said.

[Maleficent]

Maleficent, can you please do me a huge favor? Please explain to me your contradictory opinions to me. I have a feeling its based entirely on a gender double standard that you posses, whether consciously or unconsciously .

 

 

In this thread, you say that the OPs woman has a valid concern, and that he should be more than willing to give her support on the issue (whether that's not dancing, cutting back, stopping for a little while, or whatever it is )

 

 

But then we have another thread going on right now where a man is feeling iffy that his girlfriend is having lunch with her boss. Now your response in that thread was completely dismissive to HIS feelings of insecurity, but when it comes to THIS woman's insecurity, its suddenly important and matters. Its because she is a woman isn't it? How exactly is that equal.

 

I did not give my opinion on the fact his girlfriend had lunch with her boss. I only said the way he speaks about his girlfriend in the post shows how low his opinion of her is.

 

Now tell me how him going 'screw you girl I'm dancing anyway' isn't disrespecting her feelings?

[Menina]

Fred Astaire spent weeks dancing with just one sexy woman while rehearsing and making a film and he danced with the most glamorous women in Hollywood. He was happily married to one woman until the day she died.

 

Your girlfriend needs to think of it as a sporting event. Let her come and watch you dance so she can see nothing is going on.

 

THIS. Salsa can be seen and it is a sport. Most people who learn salsa do it as a workout, hobby or because they'll like to pursue pro dancing. Maybe I find the whole issue weird because I'm Puertorrican and salsa dancing is like a genetic thing (though in me that gene is recessive). Is good that she hasn't asked you to stop and that she tries to be a part of your hobby, but maybe reassure her that she has nothing to worry. My aunts/uncles/cousins/friends they all dance salsa with their partners or with other partners and it doesn't lead to lustful thoughts or desire because for us it's as normal as playing dominoes. I understand why she's uncormfortable seeing you interacting as closely with other girls, but maybe she'll become more cormfortable as she learns more about salsa and as you take her out more to your salsa hangouts.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You sound like a guy that should still be single IMO.

 

I mean look at your choices here...

 

A) Give up something you love to do at this time in your life where you can still do it...whether it's time, youth, just what you're into right now

 

B) Stop doing it to satiate your girlfriends jealously that other women will be attracted to you because you can dance with other women...in which other women know how other women are and that they'll be after you which makes them nervous

 

Now I didn't read the whole thread, but if she didn't trust and understand you at all...you wouldn't be out there in the first place without a huge backlash or raising hell, but if it's a somewhat new relationship she's going to be like a shadow overtaking your life to lock you down...because the more significant you become in her life the more she'll want to control you...what you did yesterday isn't going to be ok the same time next year. Rest assured she's phasing out the things she doesn't like.

 

Everyone can do the whole "some" men, "some" women thing, but let's be realistic here....in the real breathing world where countless women act as predictably as you expect them to because that's just damn human nature, this is going to be a real problem for you as time goes on. So you're either going to have to choose your own life or face the wrath...in whatever extent that might be....just remember the shet rolls down hill and the woman is at the top...If she's unhappy, you're going to be unhappy unless you have her wrapped around your finger and she's a docile/understanding little dove that doesn't want to interfere with your life because she's worried you'd choose it over her...but if she's confident she has enough weight in this relationship she will push more and more until she phases out this little hobby of yours that for her...is a nuisance and cause for worry and tension...and she won't stop until you're done with that part of it because she's operating on her own agenda...not yours, or she would have been perfectly fine with it and accepted it and that would have been that....which you might get a woman on LS saying she'd be ok with it, but honestly when women speak objectively and without any emotional investment...it's a whole different story, the script can definitely flip based on whether they feel differently that day.

 

She knows as a woman already, that you don't need to flirt or make any move or be in any way aggressive...women are sneaky and if they're after a guy they lock in like a heat-seeking missile in whatever way they can get through...they ultimately think they can make you theirs while you're sitting there like a fool thinking it's all just friendly and cordial...or maybe you know better but tell yourself nothing is going on.

 

That's the way the real world works and really the damn truth...sure you can go with one of those stories of "I heard of this guy named Billy who I don't know personally at all, but I heard he grew up on a farm, went to the rodeo every Saturday and massaged a balls bulls with his lady friends and never once did he ever did done cheat...he was a good and faithful man, so "some" men can do this"...when in reality Billy either forked around and no one ever found out about it or he swerved a few times with near misses of doing something less than "admirable" on his righteous pedestal...no one is perfect and when you play with fire, you get burned...that's why if you're grown up and past that stage and ready to settle down, that mostly means not interacting with women in something that could lead to sexual tension very easily.

 

The choices is yours, but if I were honestly...I'd drop the GF, probably isn't going to work out anyway, unless you want to force yourself to try and please her...just don't be surprised if you're kicking yourself in the butt when it's now something else and you didn't really get the pat on the back you'd thought you'd get for quitting something you loved to do...otherwise you're juggling hand grenades, these two things aren't going to mesh well in relationships in practice unless you find someone who shares the same passion and pretty much does what you do or something similar with the opposite sex that you both understand doesn't bother you and you're able to establish trust...trust is the keyword here, and if you don't have that and don't have the understanding you're asking for problems.