Gf wants me to stop dancing...

[AverageCat]

So long story short, in the last few months I restarted salsa and bachata dancing. My gf says its bothering her that I can be so physically close to other girls and that such a thing should be reserved for only your partner.

 

I got frustrated the other day and I told her she's overreacting. Am I doing something bad? I usually never hang out with girls from these clubs outside of them. She keeps saying they're sensual dances made to attract the other sex. I told her I think I love dancing, she then asks why these dances are where you have to have a partner of the opposite sex? Means there is something to do with a couple in a romantic sense in some way. She keeps asking me that if it's something innocent then why do I not dance something that can be done alone... To which I really don't know the answer. I just know I like dancing and I like salsa and especially bachata....

 

I'm lost

[Arabella]

I may be stating the obvious here but... Why can't she become your dancing partner?

 

Problem solved.

 

-A

[Maleficent]

Eww. This is a weird situation.

 

On one side, I want to say you should respect her feelings...if she truly doesn't like you touching other women, why don't you ask her to become your partner?

 

On the other side....over-reacting much?

sheesh...

[AverageCat]

I go to dancing venues/clubs, where everyone can go and you're supposed to dance with multiple partners. So she can't become my sole dancing partner either way.

 

It's custom that the guys go and ask the girls to dance and then ask another girl, etc. You're supposed to dance with as many people as you can to sharpen your skills. And plus it's a social event so you're socializing too. Usually the first timer girls, shower with attention boys who know how to dance a bit, hence her insecurities.

[Arabella]

She probably doesn't want to. Also what about when she doesn't feel like going would that mean he can't go?

 

Well, that's her problem, isn't it?

 

If he's just dancing and doing nothing inappropriate, then it's just her being insecure and he shouldn't stop.

 

However, I'll say this... I used to be heavily into salsa and tango dancing, and I know for a fact there's a huge sexual component to it. The more the attraction between the two people, the more fun it is. It's very easy for this to spill-over after the dancing session is over... specially in nightclubs where drink is involved along with the music.

 

That said, I think the best solution is to include her. He gets to dance, and she gets reassurance that he's not rubbing himself up against any other girls.

 

-A

[TigerCub]

Oyi...

 

Your girl is overly insecure.

You're not doing anything wrong, and you like to dance (mainly the Latin dances).

 

Were you doing this before you got together with her?

 

I think you should just tell her you'd gladly invite her to these events (that way she can see everything is on the up and up) and if she doesn't want to go - that's on her.

 

You don't have to have the same hobbies and you shouldn't have to give up something that is innocent just because she's insecure.

 

I'm friends with a married couple that do the Salsa dancing events together - they dance with lots of other people, but think nothing of it, it's supposed to be fun.

[Mr. Nibbles]

Tell her, "How else do you expect me to get that job on 'Dancing With the Stars'?

[AverageCat]

Just pointing out that I do dance on clubs/venues which are dedicated to salsa. Check my follow up post to the OP above for more info.

[AverageCat]

Well if you are giving her the most attention, making plain to others at the club that you and she are an item, and not going alone to these things, it seems her concerns are misplaced. If you are going to these places alone sometimes, I see her side of it though. Also, if you have gotten good, and are in a position as "the Danny Terio :laugh:" that all the women want to dance with... or otherwise, it's up to you to tone down and limit that by not basking in it. Finally are we just talking the steps you list? or lambada type stuff or tango, etc.? if the latter, she's not that out of bounds in feeling jealous.

 

Maybe a compromise would be to not hone your skills unless she is around, to not seek the spotlight, and to limit your dances with other women to a reasonable number given the venue. Good luck, and hope you two can work this out.

 

Yes I think somekind of compromise is what she wants, to make her feel valued even over my hobby or other girls are dance with.

 

No, no lambada. Usually merengue/bachata is the most sensual thing I do. And even bachata I usually dance very far and not real close. (She says bachata = grinding :S)

 

On the last convo we had and I told her my dancing was just innocent and I would never do anything to risk our R, she asked me where the line and boundaries we had were and how would I feel if she went clubbing and grinded with some guy, would that be crossing the line?

[millerband86]

Yes I think somekind of compromise is what she wants, to make her feel valued even over my hobby or other girls are dance with.

 

No, no lambada. Usually merengue/bachata is the most sensual thing I do. And even bachata I usually dance very far and not real close. (She says bachata = grinding :S)

 

On the last convo we had and I told her my dancing was just innocent and I would never do anything to risk our R, she asked me where the line and boundaries we had were and how would I feel if she went clubbing and grinded with some guy, would that be crossing the line?

 

And she has a point, how would you feel if she was dancing/grinding with other men?

 

Alot of these posts are dismissing her concerns as "insecurity" when I see it as her having boundaries.

 

It isn't uncommon and frankly I find it normal behavior for a person in a loving relationship to be uncomfortable with the idea of there significant other touching or being in close quarters with the opposite sex.

 

You aren't right or wrong regardless of what you do all you can do is decide what your priorities are. Her feelings or your dancing, which I might add has alot of sexuality inherently and that can't be dismissed.

 

How about trying different dancing that doesnt involve touching other women? I'm sure you can find something. Or tell her tome come with you, find a class you can take together. If not you can be frank with her and tell her you aren't going to stop and if she can't accept that than she can walk.

[Fondue]

I do find it a little unreasonable for her to ask you to stop pursuing your hobby. It's also unreasonable to say, "find another dance style." People like what they like, you can't just change preferences. I can't just go from liking pineapples to mangoes over night. Some people might, but not me.

 

If she doesn't want to join you in these classes/clubs/etc., then that's on her. If you attempt to include her in your hobbies and she rejects the invitation, then I think you've done all you can on your part, and it's up to her to "deal with it."

 

To those that might say, "what if your girl went to the club and grinded up on some guy?" Frankly, I don't give a crap. That stuff doesn't bother me at all. If both parties trust each other, it shouldn't be a problem. Dancing is innocent. I always tell my lady/girlfriends to enjoy themselves. Go out with the girls, go dancing, whatever. Have a great time. Hell, get worked up and horny. It just makes it that much sweeter when you come home (or come back with) to me.

 

I once had one of my patients tell me. They are married for 60+ years, and they LOVE each other. And you know what her advice was? "My husband and I trust each other. Always have and always will. I didn't care if he was out and about and got his 'appetite' elsewhere, as long as he came home for dinner." That was one of the greatest sentences I ever heard spoken. We should all be more like that.

 

You guys all should know this song. And you know what? It's very applicable here.

[kaylan]

So long story short, in the last few months I restarted salsa and bachata dancing. My gf says its bothering her that I can be so physically close to other girls and that such a thing should be reserved for only your partner.

 

I got frustrated the other day and I told her she's overreacting. Am I doing something bad? I usually never hang out with girls from these clubs outside of them. She keeps saying they're sensual dances made to attract the other sex. I told her I think I love dancing, she then asks why these dances are where you have to have a partner of the opposite sex? Means there is something to do with a couple in a romantic sense in some way. She keeps asking me that if it's something innocent then why do I not dance something that can be done alone... To which I really don't know the answer. I just know I like dancing and I like salsa and especially bachata....

 

I'm lost

If it was club dancing, Id say she has a point.

 

But if its class dancing thats ok.

 

Youre club dancing with chicks...so Id respect her wishes. Because dancing those styles is generally sexual.

[AverageCat]

If it was club dancing, Id say she has a point.

 

But if its class dancing thats ok.

 

Youre club dancing with chicks...so Id respect her wishes. Because dancing those styles is generally sexual.

 

Club dancing but it's salsa/bachata. It is like a class. You dance with multiple people. Usually don't even talk to them.

[Menina]

Club dancing but it's salsa/bachata. It is like a class. You dance with multiple people. Usually don't even talk to them.

 

Exactly. I'm Latina and everybody I know dances either salsa, bachata or merengue. My ex danced salsa but I didn't knew how so I encouraged him to dance salsa with other females, like lots of people do in Latin countries. If she doesn't want to be your partner I see no problem in you going to salsa clubs. Maybe some people can't understand because they're not latinos but Latin dances though somewhat sexual are social traditions that wont necessarily lead to cheating. Dancing is a great hobby and I would be sad if my partner wouldn't let me enjoy it.

[serial muse]

Maybe it's the Miami in me, but I hope you won't have to give up your hobby. Latin dance is super fun. It probably depends on the club; some clubs I've been to are really focused on the dance and people can be quite serious about it as a "craft", others are more about flirting. It sounds like you really just love to dance, though. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with that, as long as boundaries are in place (meaning what you've said: Not socializing with these other women outside of the setting).

 

That said, you didn't really answer whether your girlfriend ever goes dancing with you. Yes, it's customary to dance with others at these venues, but that could include her, too. Does she go? If not, why not? Maybe she would enjoy it too. You guys could also take classes together.

[Keenly]

Both genders need to realise that when you have an insecurity, its in YOU to communicate with your partner and settle it. Is it NOT on the other person to give up their hobbies and interests because the other person feels uncomfortable.

 

 

Just because you didn't give it up does not mean that you don't respect her feelings. It just means you are a human being who deserves to do the things you enjoy, and if this is one of them, you have every right to do it.

 

 

Plus there are a lot of girls who would say its okay for girls to go clubbing, but this isn't appropriate. Try to follow that logic.

[serial muse]

Plus there are a lot of girls who would say its okay for girls to go clubbing, but this isn't appropriate. Try to follow that logic.

 

I'd say though that this is only going to be relevant if the OP's girlfriend says this. Otherwise, it's just apocryphal.

[serial muse]

If we could keep this focused on the OP's particular story, maybe this thread doesn't have to go off the rails? This is how that happens. Other peoples' "stuff" isn't the point; what matters is how these two people work out their boundaries.

 

OP, looking forward to your reply.

[Keenly]

I'd say though that this is only going to be relevant if the OP's girlfriend says this. Otherwise, it's just apocryphal.

 

We all know it happens. I'm just so sick of seeing men surgically remove their spines because society seems to tell men that they have to do whatever the woman wants to make her happy. Including forsaking his passions.

 

 

Stick to your guns.

[serial muse]

We all know it happens. I'm just so sick of seeing men surgically remove their spines because society seems to tell men that they have to do whatever the woman wants to make her happy. Including forsaking his passions.

 

 

Stick to your guns.

 

Sigh. OK then. Derail in T-minus...

[MrNate 2.0]

I'd have to join the possibly involving your gf in some way or another.

 

She just might enjoy the bonding time.

 

 

I mean she could be overracting a little, but in a way I can see where she's coming from.

 

 

 

 

 

Especially if you're doing tango with other women.

 

Because that dance is sexy.

[Maleficent]

I think we are all missing one point here. It makes his girlfriend very uncomfortable.

Yes, it's insecure of her, but that's what it is. It is up to OP to decide if he wants to respect his girlfriend's insecurities or feed them.

 

However, OP can't simply bow down and quit dancing all together just because miss is insecure.

 

Personally, I would suggest you stop dancing for now - on the condition that she works on the insecurity that makes her so uncomfortable, so you can get back to dancing once she is fine with it.

 

There are two people in a relationship. No reason why one should be so important that the other has to bow down.

[Keenly]

I think we are all missing one point here. It makes his girlfriend very uncomfortable.

Yes, it's insecure of her, but that's what it is. It is up to OP to decide if he wants to respect his girlfriend's insecurities or feed them.

 

However, OP can't simply bow down and quit dancing all together just because miss is insecure.

 

Personally, I would suggest you stop dancing for now - on the condition that she works on the insecurity that makes her so uncomfortable, so you can get back to dancing once she is fine with it.

 

There are two people in a relationship. No reason why one should be so important that the other has to bow down.

 

So lets play this out here... What happens when he stops dancing for, I don't know, 2 months. Couple months should be plenty of time for her to deal with her issues.

 

What happens when he goes to start back up again 2 months later and she is still uncomfortable with it?

 

The point a lot of people fail to understand is that yes there are 2 people in the relationship. Yes her feelings matter. But insecurity is on the person who HAS the insecurity, not on the person doing the insecurity causing behavior. SHE is the one who needs to either leave or get over it. The only thing he can do besides laying down and writing doormat on his forehead is try to reassure her that its fine, to take her with him, and to just remind her that she is over reacting.

 

If it continues to be a problem, that means that by simply voicing her concern, she is EXPECTING him to stop, because it bothers her. Which is not a compromise by the way, thats straight up emotional manipulation.

[AverageCat]

That said, you didn't really answer whether your girlfriend ever goes dancing with you. Yes, it's customary to dance with others at these venues, but that could include her, too. Does she go? If not, why not? Maybe she would enjoy it too. You guys could also take classes together.

 

She's come thre times.

The first time was a friend get-together (when me and my gf were just friends, but had just started hooking up). I met some other girl at the club who was always telling me to keep dancing with her so I could teach her better, so I spent more time with this other girl (and I think my current gf got jealous). We talked about it later.

 

Last 2 times.Both times I danced only with her and it was a typical night out. I tried my best to stay with her all the time so she wouldn't get uncomfortable, but the first time we danced she left the dancefloor out of nowhere because she said I wasn't fully into her and enjoying as much (I'm usually used to not connect with girls when I dance, hence I was just making moves and not trying to be overly into her. She took that as a sign that I wasn't interested). But we talked about it.

 

She's taken a few classes with me (because of me mainly). She's been pretty cool on them, although I wish we had spend more time dancing outside classes, since on classes you have to dance with other people most of the time, whereas in venues you can just focus on each other

[AverageCat]

If it continues to be a problem, that means that by simply voicing her concern, she is EXPECTING him to stop, because it bothers her. Which is not a compromise by the way, thats straight up emotional manipulation.

 

I don't think she's expecting me to stop. She hasn't ever asked me and at times she's admitted that she doesn't know if she is over reacting or if it's a normal concern.

 

She's a fairly smart girl and she can see that I'm usually supportive on her insecurities and she appreciates that. However she keeps asking because at the end of the day it makes her insecure and in her eyes it's something that we as a couple need to deal with.

 

EDIT: She also keeps mentioning how easy it is for a girl to fall head over heels when a guy knows how to dance and that I am just pretty much leading girls on, by being nice to them and dancing with them. Now I am not a girl. I know that when I dance I do it for me. For the girls who have tried dancing. Do you think it attracts you to the other person? Because for me it is really asexual. I could dance with a 70 y old woman or even a guy if he knew how to follow.

Edited August 22, 2013 by AverageCat