I'd like to be content and mentally/emotionally free, again.

[MiuKiel]

Hi there, community. I'm new to writing here, but I've vistied here many times before. I, like everyone else, have a long story, but I'll sum it up: I started dating my Ex in High school and we dated for 4 years (through most of freshman year in college). We never fought, we both were intelligent and mature, we both compromised and communicated constantly.

 

At the time of our breakup, we were both 19. She left me for a 24 year old man, (who had become very close with me in the last month) that we met at a local church we had started attending when we moved to college.

Before this, my Ex and I were best friends, band-mates, inseparable, and both good christians.

SHE saw our breakup as "God's will" and she "wasn't leaving me for the new guy... HE is who God wants her to marry, not me."

 

So she left and was done with me for good. Me, on the other hand, being that she was my first and only love, made a pathetic jerk out of myself, calling her in tears and trying desperately to fix the relationship, to make it work again.

After a month or two, I finally got it through my head that she was done, and so I begged and pleaded AGAIN for a friendship. She meant too much to me to never have her in my life anymore. She said that it was too early and that I would only want to be with her, and it couldn't just be friends. After asking when we could be communicate again, she said she needed time and would call me.

So, I went home at the end of the semester and worked a full time job and tried to keep myself extremely busy because she always occupied any free moment in my mind and it was really tough for me to deal with.

The summer crawled by and school started up again. So I came here 3 months ago, and about a month ago, I ran into her at the local gym. I felt like I was going to collapse and die from a heart attack, my heart was racing so fast. She saw me, I approached, and said "hi." We mingled for about 30 seconds and then I asked why she never called. She told me, "It's only been 8 months since we broke up, Mike. I need more time." That's when I finally got it through my think skull that she was not, does not, and will never want a freindship with me. My mother pointed out something, too: She said, "How are you going to be friends with her when she's still with the new guy?" Mom had a very good point. So, 8 months after we broke up, I finally gave up all hope of anything with her and started trying to make myself face the facts.

 

Ok, so HERE'S THE MAIN POINT!

 

It's been 10 months now. Since the very beginning, I've been through the shock of the break up, almost commiting suicide, almost killing the new guy and her, then realizing I needed serious help. I got constant therapy and counseling any time I had a free moment, then at the beginning of the summer, my family told me that I should get medicinal help. So, I was put on 10mg lexapro (Anti-depressant) from June until The beginning of October. I've been attending churches and church groups again (I stopped "life" for the most part after the breakup) for about 2 moths now. I reconnected with old friends, I'v ebeen playing with a few musical groups, some old band-mates have come around, I'm living in the dormatories at college to be in social enviornments, I've made new friends this year and I've been working out/meditating.

 

The problem is, I still get really emotional and the memories and thoughts of my ex still interfere with my life. Even last week, I was up at 3:30am, crying my eyes out by myself in the lounge of our dorm because I (stupidly) read a letter from her that I found in my drawer.

 

So my question is: what do I do to help myself? I've been going to older people who've been through divorce and expecially my Grandmother, who has been through 3 marriages, 1 ending in divorce, 2 ending in death.

I feel as though I've exhausted all my options because I've done everything that I've read in these and other forums, books, advice from older, experienced people. etc.

 

Life HAS gotten easier since the breakup of couse, but I've been at this "reminiscant, emotional" stage for a while now, and I'd like to reach the final stage(s) of moving on and leaving the past in the past.

I'm not calloused from this; I'm mor eof an Idealist and I believ ethat someday I can make it work again with someone else, but I still feel so... discontent, incomplete... and whatnot.

 

So sorry for the extremely long post... I'm a talker, that's how I deal with my problems and emotions. If you've made it this far, thanks so much for listening and I'd love to hear anything from you!

[Learn_To_Fly]

Wow, you are still hurting after 10 months. It is true what people say in that with time you will get better. Unfortunately sometimes time seems to stop or go very slowly but in reality 10 months is not that long and it does go past quite quickly. I am pleased you are in a environment where there are others that you can spend your time with. You will eventually meet a nice girl and over time she will make you forget your pain you are feeling from the ex. I believe you have to experience pain to know what happiness is. This will be a huge learning lesson for you which is why you will find older people can be very helpfull to talk to as they have quite often passed similar hurdles before. I believe you have passed your lowest level of pain and from here on everything will be improving for you over time. You must get a positive outlook on your life, believe in yourself and with a positive attitude you will attract others whom you might be able to help. Wishing you the best of luck and the beautifull person that you are I am sure you will have many happy times in the future.

[kisslaboca]

Hi MiuKiel,

I was really touched reading your post. It really sounds like this girl meant a lot to you and that you loved her dearly. It also sounds as if you have been doing the right things to help you get through this time in a healthy way. Sometimes MiuKiel, and specially when it comes to emotional wounds it is kind of hard to see how complex the wound could be and the question of time becomes rather relative. Ten months could be sufficient time for some people, and little times to others. I think it is hard to see with our bare eyes how profound the hurt can be and how long it would take to heal completely. It is something that we just have to withstand, to let go of, we can only assume the right attitude and know that in time all the pain will pass, because it usually does. I know it is very uncomfortable to feel the pain and that hollow empty space that deep down in your heart you feel only that person can fill up again, wether it is with their love, friendship or simple acknowledgement that we too were an important part in their lives. But sometimes we have to do just that, to embrace that feeling, without trying to hold on to it or get rid of it, just accepting it as part of who we are at the moment and of what we are living at the time. I think this simple act of not rejecting the pain can help you tons in truly getting over it. Feelings and emotions are there for a reason. They are messengers, hear what they have to say. Next time you feel like you can't live in your skin, just lay down and breath with your belly. Acknowledge your feeling without trying to hold on to it or get rid of it. NOtice what shape and color it is and talk to it, ask it what it wants. Sounds weird, but you will see how much this can help you. Their is no right or wrong timing, emotional processes cannot be measured by the conventional measurements of weeks or months. Just keep strong in your faith.

 

I must say from your story, and I am of christian background my self, that I really hate it when people of any denomination blame Gods will for some of the decisions they make. I think it is really nice when believers deem what they feel at any given time is brought about by divine guidance, but I know a few Christian people that have made love decisions based on what they thought was Gods will that ended up in total desaster. Take for example a fanatical Christian coworker of mine, she met a guy she liked in church and clearly felt it was God's will that he was to be her hudsband. She spoke to him once. Well, he a Christian himself didn't feel it was God's will for him, didn't like her in that way. To make a long story short, she ended up stalking him and if i remember correctly his mom threated to put a restraining order if she didn't leave her son alone. So, that was an extreme situation, but I think many times people take that very lightly. We are human beings and emotions, urges, impulses happen to us all regardeless of what faith we are many times we blame God for our human nature. Cause frankly I don't think it was very Christian of a boy that befriended you and who was supposedly very close to you to be the one your girlfriend leaves you for. That is like breaking a bunch of the 10 comandments right there, like though shall not covet your neiborhs wife (I mean you were going out for 4 years!!!!!!!!!) and love your neighbor as your self--- stealing your friends gf is not very loving now is it? Cause it takes 2 to tango. A true Christian, I think would not have separted you and as soon as he noticed lovey dovy actions from your ex he should have cut off things with her in order not to be the cause of separtion between you, even if he liked her. Also she could have been more loving about the whole thing at the end, it was 4 years after all. A really concientious christian, or person for that matter could have been a lot more empathetic of your feelings considering the circumstances. That doesn't mean she had to take care of your hurt feelings, being she wanted what she wanted, however, a really nice person could have acted less ruthlessly.

 

I think more than the breakup it self what may be hurting you the most to feel that after sharing so much with a person and each being such a big part of your life, now you are being treated with such disregard, like you never existed. Granted she has a right to her feelings and to feel her need for space. However, you have I think more than the pain of loss love you are feeling the sting of betrayal, wether you have accepted or not that those 2 have betrayed you, taking God out of the picture of course.

You just hang in there MiuKiel, life will get better.

[kisslaboca]

Oh MiuKie, its me again. As if my post wasn't too long I have something more to add. My therapist once told me something that may be find helpful:

You cannot get passed the hurt until you feel the anger. I know you have been sulking and feeling real down and depressed and stuff, but have you allowed your self to feel anger towards your ex and that boy for what happened. Forget about it being it a sin or something, you are a human being that was badly hurt, and that feels betrayed. Allow your self to scream and shout and wish them all the rotten things on earth, just for the purpose of letting it out. Beat up a pillow or something or go boxing to the gym and imagine the boxing bag is them, lol. Telll me how you feel after ok.

[MiuKiel]

All I have to say after 2 responses is: wow. I never felt so much empathy flowing form the text on a computer screen. I'm so thankful for the responses... so very thankful, because, for a minute there, I thought that I was alone in thinking that my Ex and the new guy were shady or wrong or whatever you wanna call it. EVERYONE, all my friends, all the church members... they all ignored it, like it wasn't an issue, and I distinctly remember saying in a bible study, "Doesn't this seem odd to any of you??? It's just wrong!" And then, the treatment like I was the one that was crazy and out of line.

 

Well, thanks a ton guys, Kisslaboca and LearnToFly, your responses are with me. Words mean a lot to me and that's why I write music. It's amazing therapy for myself, but your responses actually feel like some credible answers to my problems.

 

Thank you both very much.

 

P.S. I'm totally going to go boxing or find some agressive activity to do and try it out. There's always been some anger, but i've been repressing so much of it to try to appease others. Thanks for the suggestions.

[MiuKiel]

I'm sorry, I just want to emphasize how much your relpies have helped already. Today was the first time I smiled in a very long time. You guys remind me that there is hope.

[Learn_To_Fly]

Dear MiuKiel, I am pleased that you have found comfort in some of your responses. Let me tell you that you do not have to be Christian to realise that what your ex and her new boyfriend have done to you is wrong, in fact very very wrong. I also have been brought up in a Christian family. One of my late mothers friend who was at church every week without fail be-friended another Christian older lady and offered her services free to help the lady with shopping, house work, etc. I and many others very impressed with this lady giving up some of her free time to help others. This all ended up in tears. We discovered later that the older lady had a sizable bank balance and put her trust in the lady helping her to look after the bank account. Well the lady helping out emptied the bank account and had no further need to help this poor oplder lady. This of course opened my eyes. Just because somebody goes to church and calls themself Christian does not mean that they automatically live a Christian life. There are just as many Christian sinners as there are non Christian ones. What is important in a person we wish to associate with is not their religion but in how they treat others. I say treat others in a manner you wish to be treated yourself. Be proud of your actions and who you are, learn to forgive, dont be jelous, be proud and true to yourself and hopefully good things will come to you. Believe in yourself and your instincts and you will be right more often than not. We have the right answers in ourselfs and what we seek of others is usually confirmation of what we already know. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF