Needing input

[LostOne08]

This is my first post on the site, I've been browsing it the last few days and the people here seem to have solid advice. I'll try to be as brief as possible with my background here, but I apologize for the length.

 

I've been seeing this girl for the past four months. We met through a mutual friend of mine and hit it off pretty instantly. We are both older (in our early 30s, but she is a few years older than me). The relationship is basically long distance, but it's manageable since we only live approximately an hour away from each other and we saw each other every weekend. We clicked, made each other laugh and had similar mindsets. Approximately three weeks ago, that changed. We attended an event together and she was initially upset because she accused me of not showing her the proper amount of affection in public. I know that the particular group of people we were around had been an issue with her in the past, and I was trying to be respectful of that. Before we met up that weekend, she had a really stressful week at work. However, she was contacting me during that time and I was helping her through it. After this discussion about the apparent lack of affection, she seemed cold and distant.

 

The next week is when things took a turn for the worse. She would initiate contact with me on some days, and some days I would initiate contact with her. This isn't outside of the norm for us, however. At the end of the week, I noticed her texts were becoming shorter and shorter as if she didn't want to communicate. She had communicated to me before that if she isn't ready to talk about something, she would like for me to back off until she's ready. She didn't seem to indicate that there was any problem, but instead of doing the logical thing I pushed her further and sort of barraged her with texts. She told me she had plans to go to a movie that night, but didn't say who she would be going with (usually information that she gives without me asking). I asked her who and that set off a firestorm. The next day we had plans for her to come visit me, but she cancelled within hours of when we were supposed to meet. By then, I knew something was up. I barraged her with texts (unwisely) again and asked to speak to her immediately. She said she was busy and would prefer to talk at a later time and eventually, I just gave up. The next day, she called and we spoke and she stated she didn't think the relationship was working. She cited that she felt I was constantly interrogating and berating her and that we were just too dissimilar in other areas of life. I asked her point blank if she wanted to stop seeing each other and she said she just needed time to figure out if she wanted to continue on with the relationship. She asked me not to ask her when or if she had had enough time during the process.

 

As hard as it was, I did not contact her for nine days. It was killing me inside to know what she was thinking or if she was trying to let me down easy by telling me she needed "time". Since we're both a little more mature, I had convinced myself that she wasn't telling me that to play games. I also told myself that giving her time would show I was respecting her and that I was also taking time out to reflect on the relationship (which I was). On the ninth day, she initiated contact with an inside joke that we share. She asked how I was doing and everything.

 

Here is where my question comes in. She suggested that we meet at the end of the week in person to "chat". She says she understands if I can't make it. I haven't committed to a meeting yet. The reason for that is that I'm afraid it'll be the "this is the end of the relationship" talk and I don't want to do that in person. I don't want the process to be drawn out any longer than it needs to be or to have any unnecessary travel attached to it. Chances are just as likely she could want to work things out, but I don't want to have any false hope. I need opinions here. Do you guys think she wants to meet in person to end the relationship? Is it rude for me to suggest or demand that she just do it over the phone because of my concerns? I want to continue on with the relationship, so do you think there's anything I should say or do (or not say or do) if we have this talk? Any opinions are greatly appreciated as I am at a loss here. This is the first relationship I've had in a long time where I felt this strongly about the other person.

[Faith13/2]

Here is where my question comes in. She suggested that we meet at the end of the week in person to "chat". She says she understands if I can't make it. I haven't committed to a meeting yet. The reason for that is that I'm afraid it'll be the "this is the end of the relationship" talk and I don't want to do that in person. I don't want the process to be drawn out any longer than it needs to be or to have any unnecessary travel attached to it. Chances are just as likely she could want to work things out, but I don't want to have any false hope. I need opinions here. Do you guys think she wants to meet in person to end the relationship? Is it rude for me to suggest or demand that she just do it over the phone because of my concerns? I want to continue on with the relationship, so do you think there's anything I should say or do (or not say or do) if we have this talk? Any opinions are greatly appreciated as I am at a loss here. This is the first relationship I've had in a long time where I felt this strongly about the other person.

 

 

I say you go meet up with her.

 

I understand where you're coming from, but even if this is her way of telling you the relationship is over(which I don't necessarily think is the case) I don't think you should not go. There are many people who aren't given the chance to have that kind of closure and wish they had.

 

I think you did the right thing by not contacting her like she asked. She got in touch with you I would think if she planned on just ending things why wouldn't she just continue with the no contact? I wouldn't over think this, just go to the meet up and see what happens. At least if you have her face to face you know she's hearing what you have to say, and not sending texts and making calls with no replies.

[Chi townD]

If you're not sure if your walking into the "it's the end of the relationship" speech, then I would ask her beforehand.

 

Gas is too expensive to get your heart broken over.

[LostOne08]

Thanks for the replies from both of you. Any further input from others is welcomed. To add a little bit more background to build off what you said, Chi town: She suggested that we meet up at the end of the week, but she was planning on coming to see me rather than the other way around. If any gas was going to be used, it would be on her part. That's the other thing that makes me nervous about it being the end of the relationship conversation. Maybe she feels like that will assuage her guilt if she is the one who gets on the road.

 

But like Faith mentioned, I don't want to over think things. It would just complicate the situation for me. I'm leaning towards just taking the meeting and letting the chips fall where they may. I can't think of a tactful way to tell her to tell me what the conversation is about without stirring up trouble.

[flitzanu]

tell her youre busy and suggest you talk on the phone instead?

[LostOne08]

An update and more opinions needed.

 

So, as I said earlier this week, the woman I had been seeing asked for time and space to decide if she wanted to continue on with the relationship or not. I gave her the time and space and did not contact her as she asked. On day 9 of NC, she texted me and asked to meet up so that we can "chat". I was apprehensive, like I said in my previous post because I had a sinking feeling she was going to end the relationship, just make it official with a conversation. She suggested that she drive out to meet me (again, we live in different towns) and I agreed. I figured, even if she was ending the relationship, she would have to look me in my face to do it.

 

So, today, when she's supposed to drive up she sends me a long text message explaining that she can't make it today. She says she got bogged down at work and had to deal with some of the things she was working on. I figured it was no big deal since it was her idea to drive out here in the first place. I didn't think she was lying because she was pretty detailed in the reason why she couldn't make it and she had made these plans to drive out earlier in the week, but didn't cancel until this morning. She offered to "chat" (again) later on tonight, but said that if that wasn't possible, we could make other plans. I texted back that it seemed like she wanted to meet in person initially and said that if she still wanted to do that, we could do it next weekend (which pushes this out another week) or we could talk on the phone if meeting in person wasn't important to her.

 

So, I'm asking you guys what do you make of all this? Is the relationship over and I'm just hanging on to false hope? Does her sudden canceling of the in-person meet mean anything? Does the fact that she seems willing to delay our discussion mean anything (I would think people would want to end a relationship as quickly as possible)? Is it right for me to stick to trying to meet in person in this situation? Any input is welcomed, because I don't know what to make of any of this myself.

[flitzanu]

gonna play devil's advocate here...as i usually do.

 

if she was meeting you to tell you that she wants to fix this and work on things...i'd presume that she would make much more of an effort to do so.

 

my opinion is still to not get your hopes up on this one, as she doesn't seem to be giving any indication that she's "happy" and ready to continue things.

[LostOne08]

flitzanu- That's what I'm thinking too, unfortunately. We had a short correspondence last night which ended with "we'll figure out when to talk". Not the most definite thing. But, wouldn't you think the opposite would be true also? If she wanted to end the relationship she would make much more of an effort to speak so that she could move on into other things without anything holding her back? I could see both being a possibility. Any feedback from anyone would be welcomed.

 

I'm thinking the best case scenario at this point is that she's not sure about what she wants to do and that's why she wants to talk. But, I could be totally off base.

[flitzanu]

flitzanu- That's what I'm thinking too, unfortunately. We had a short correspondence last night which ended with "we'll figure out when to talk". Not the most definite thing. But, wouldn't you think the opposite would be true also? If she wanted to end the relationship she would make much more of an effort to speak so that she could move on into other things without anything holding her back? I could see both being a possibility. Any feedback from anyone would be welcomed.

 

I'm thinking the best case scenario at this point is that she's not sure about what she wants to do and that's why she wants to talk. But, I could be totally off base.

 

i can only speak from personal experience, that when i was ready to end a relationship under similar conditions (lived 45 mins apart) i didn't make it a priority to go and do it in person. if it's over and done, it's not something you're excited to do...whereas i can only assume the opposite for being all desperately in love and wanting to save it and spend more time together, yaknow?

[LostOne08]

For those who aren't familiar, here's my story so far: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/418310-needing-input#post5152998

 

Well, we spoke at the beginning of this week. After having things "come up", she decided to do it over the phone. I spoke first and told her all the things I realized that were going wrong during the break and why they pushed her away. Then she started in with reasons why she didn't think it was going to work out permanently. When she started talking, I could hear where the conversation was going and I just went numb to the whole thing. I had a period of several years leading up to this relationship where I wasn't the greatest person in the world. Getting back into a relationship where I cared about the girl and her feelings was sort of new for me and I went through some reacclimatizing to that. It actually made me a little anxious and insecure. I explained all this to her and thought she understood it. She had come off two very bad long-term relationships herself, so I thought that's why we could work things out together.

 

What hurts me the most is she says the physical connection wasn't there. I admit that I could see that somewhat, but it didn't seem to be a deal breaker on my end. In all honesty, I wish we had addressed that beforehand so that we could work through it. She says she felt immediate chemistry in her other relationships. Am I wrong to think that she's just idealizing those relationships now? You can be attracted to someone right off the bat, but I think chemistry comes after you get to know them and you "click", am I right? I feel like I wasn't given a fair chance at building something with her. I feel like all those guys who were bad for her were given ample opportunities and I try to do right by her (and myself) and I get shut out after a few months. She then said she doesn't think she's ready for a relationship after she'd been hurt so much, which I could see. But again, if you care enough about the person isn't that something you'd work on? I also have a hard time believing this since her last relationship ended over a year and a half ago (something she didn't want to admit to me initially when I questioned her about it). Wouldn't that be enough time to "heal"? Maybe I'm asking too much.

 

She told me she was going to miss talking to me everyday and that we should still keep in contact. She also said she still wants to see me from time to time whenever she's in town or I'm in her city. She said she understands if I don't want to be "friendzoned" though. Yeah, she used those actually words. I told her that I could speak to her on a regular basis, but that I'm not interested in being her friend. That my feelings were too strong for me just to be her friend. That if we hung out as friends, I would try to pursue something. We'll see how that goes.

 

It's been 6 days of NC, and it's getting harder by the day. I'm journaling some to prevent myself from contacting her, but I really feel like trying to arrange one last meet up or phone conversation and completely clear the air. I guess I need you guys to talk me down off that ledge and that's why I'm posting today. I know you guys have sound advice and most people will say, "Why contact her? She's just going to reiterate that she doesn't want to be with you." As tough as that sounds, I may just need to hear that. I really feel like there were things that I left unsaid, though and I want to make sure she knows them. I also feel like her giving me all these different reasons (no physical connection, can't be in a relationship right now) are bullish*t and she doesn't want to tell me the real reason. I feel like I have a right to know that. Does anyone think I'm right on that? Does it even matter? Sorry for the rambling, long post. I'm just a jumble of thoughts, even after six days.

[melell]

You can talk to her again. For me it was like talking again and again trying to get something to finalize everything, or tie up the loose ends, was pointless. I think that the desire to do that is really about the feeling of hurt, and no amount of talking will make it go away, you just have to give it time.

 

Maybe you need to speak to her and get to the point where you realize it isn't going to help. That is what happened to me. Going straight into NC and sticking to it does make moving on easier and faster, but sometimes it takes awhile to realize that.

 

There are A LOT of posts which say they wish they had gone no contact immediately because of that. But understanding that is part of a process for most of us.

 

It is always raw for awhile, and at the start you have to break the addiction to all those habitual things like talking daily, seeing each other, sharing your thoughts etc etc.

 

I had a big setback when I graduated, and all I wanted to do was ring my ex and share the great news. All those little things.

 

I want to tell you that at some point you have to let go and not talk. Talking is emotional suicide.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry you're hurting like this and I know how much you want answers that make sense. Unfortunately, at the root of it all, she feels that something isn't right for her. It could be something she isn't even conscious of - natural scent, demeanour, something purely instinctive on a very basic level. If you ask her, she may come out with all kinds of reasons, some of which would be 'rationalisations', attempts to explain a vague feeling somewhere. How is that going to help you?

 

The whole person/body is involved in a relationship and instinct and feeling are fundamental. The really sad thing is that one person can feel instinctively drawn towards another and for it not to be the same for the other person. This is nature at its toughest and there is nothing you can do about it. You need to take time to recover and build your confidence and know that when the right chemistry is there on both sides, there won't be these difficulties.

[todreaminblue]

I went straight to six months no contact....it was the only way....i wasnt healed but it allowed em to step back when we eventually did talk...if i didnt have that six months....i wouldn't have been able to function

 

 

to me feeling a pull of attraction is chemistry, its something though that is not really definable isnt it.....everyone has a different theory....

 

 

 

in my opinion chemistry may fade when you get to know the person and then you slowly grow some more......i think it is unfair to expect a crash boom bang knock you off your feet chemistry to remain...attraction or chemistry does its bit then you need to work at it...sometimes the chemistry lasts till the honeymoon period is over and then you go what am i doing.......oops made a mistake.......but in reality.....chemistry that is built over time is more long lasting.........initial attraction pulls you towards someone......then the rest is up to you

 

 

yoru ex is wrong for wanting to compare you to others anyway...you are not her exes and to me...this is logic coming up...hah dont use it much.......

 

 

if those relationships didnt work out and they are exes....then maybe the chemistry she felt with them shouldnt be repeated unless she wants a similar result..... and she should have given you a chance....smilin....logical yes?

 

 

i tend to do exact opposites when i eventually date again after having an ex...try and improve what i actually look for...one day i might even get it right........i dotn go by exes...it is wrong to do so...all my exes are completely different.looks manners..all fighters though,mainly all have done charity work...maybe i should change those two...fighters tend to be arrogant...it seems

 

 

 

.......sigh...anyway

 

 

 

continue to go no contact it does get easier with time...its a struggle makes you feel like crap in the short term....but in the long term...it is better for you...she was looking for an out what she said is pretty stock standard for someone who just wanted out.......i just didnt feel it....is pretty old...not unique...but you are so go out when you are ready ....you will find the right one for you maybe someone who isnt looking for a generic type or immediate feeling that your ex is used to and expects.....all relationships are different ...no two the same....she will figure that out..maybe ten guys from now who knows.........best wishes................deb

[LostOne08]

Thanks for the responses so far everyone, they make me feel a little bit better. The point I was trying to get across in my original post was that I don't understand how suddenly you have no physical connection or chemistry with someone after four months of dating. Wouldn't that be something that you realize more immediately? And like I said before, once the initial attraction is there, I think chemistry is something you build on.

 

Deb touched on it, and I think it was a great point that I hadn't thought about, she shouldn't compare me to her exes because they are her exes for a reason. I know we had our problems, but I think it was something we could have worked on. If she was truly looking for something different and I was trying to change myself, we could have supported each other into a new relationship. None of that matters for the time being, obviously. I just feel like she wasn't willing to give us a chance and that's what hurts. That's part of what I want to tell her.

[melell]

After 8 years with someone I can tell you things change! Chemistry comes and goes, actually I would bet money that anyone who is older/wiser will tell you that.

 

At one point my ex said 'I am just not feeling it, I feel like you are my sister' lol, a month later he is madly in love with me again and it is fireworks. It comes and goes. When it goes it might last for a week, or for months.

 

People act based on their feelings, it is a pity that we don't always understand our feelings and instead make assumptions assumptions assumptions.

 

I think the bottom line is you just can't wait around for her to mature, or understand herself, it might never happen. I get the impression you are more mature than her, and it frustrates you to be in love with someone who doesn't get it. I could be wrong.

 

I don't think this is worth your effort to be honest.

[flitzanu]

dumpee's anger and confusion dude. it doesn't matter what you have left to say to her, she's done. you can't convince someone to love you and be with you. being in a relationship is like a joint bank account. it takes both of you to start it, but only one of you to take every single thing from you without your consent or opinion.

 

this isn't about being "fair". people get fired from a job and may believe it isn't "fair" but they can't keep calling their boss every day crying to them about why they didn't get a chance to make it work out.

 

this is no longer about actions or words or meaningful sentiments, this is about her making the conscious decision to NOT be with you. that's now her choice. you don't get to choose and you don't get to change it.

 

you think you have "one last thing to say" or to "clear the air" and then directly 5 minutes after you part ways, you're going to remember ONE MORE THING that you need to say. this will continue for weeks until she literally cusses you out, and tells you to leave her alone.

 

don't speak to this girl, don't be friends with her, don't "keep in touch".