Question about No Contact (NC)

[Faith13/2]

I plan on getting on LS and telling you all. Cause I know yall will kick me in the butt and straighten me out.

 

I know you're saying one thing and if you mean what you're saying that's good for you.

 

I still feel you may have some feelings for the OW or you wouldn't be pondering whether or not she may come back, and what you should do if that does happen. I know you're M and you should have a commitment to your W.

 

My thoughts are though, IF by any chance what I'm thinking is even partially correct, I think you should maybe end your M. Just seems like your W may have become a rebound in these circumstances. I'd hate to see you work on your M if there's any chance that you may even be semi-emotionally attached to the OW. As I said it's not fair to your W and not really fair to yourself, if you're settling just because of the circumstances. Just something to keep in mind.

[compulsivedancer]

Agree........ NC is bi-directional. If you are working on your M, you need ZERO contact with the former AP.

 

And, if you do care, leave her alone as she asks......for your wife's sake as well.

 

NC is also permanent. That part of your life is over. Don't be friends with her.

[MMY]

Ok, Thanks everyone. I REALLY am not waiting or wanting. I don't know how else to put that is was only a question regarding NC in general and if everyone thought ExAP really went NC. That is it.

 

No plans on getting back together, I enjoy LS but I always seem to word my questions or statements wrongly and I end up having to clean tire track off of me from the Bus.

 

My biggest problem right now is my 18 year old daughter that (just yesterday) says I HATE YOU!!! She hates me because I have rules for her to live by while she is under my roof (we all have heard that growing up). Her 21 year old BF isn't helping things either.

 

Also, every since NC with ExAP, I have had NC with my parents (both up in age) nor my brother. I wasn't even told my dad was in the hospital.

 

I have always been a glass half full kind of guy but with the A, Daughter and parents, my glass has slowly gone dry.

 

I do talk with my W about things but I do like having other people to bounce things off of. These things are triggers for me as I had AP to talk to.

 

So I will continue to post even though I may say the wrong things. I do feel it is a good reality check.

 

Thanks

[Betterthanthis13]

I plan on getting on LS and telling you all. Cause I know yall will kick me in the butt and straighten me out.

 

What do you really want, deep down? To be with your W or to end up with your xAP?

 

That's what really matters. If you really, truly were in love with your W and wanted to be with her- the NC would not only be a no-brainer, but it would be EASY. You wouldn't have any problem telling her to get lost if she contacted you again. If you don't think it will be easy to do that- you might want to do some thinking about what you really want- no what other people say you "should" do.

 

Once you figure out what you really want- then advice will be easier to follow and you won't need any "butt kicking". If you do want to be with your xAP, that's fine- just say so and we can start giving you different advice that will be more likely to make you happy in the long run.

 

If you really do want to be with your wife, that's fine too.

 

 

It's also fine to say -"I don't know what I really want"-

 

You will get different advice depending on what you really want. The important thing is to be honest with yourself.

[compulsivedancer]

Yes A is over and we are working on our M. I think my ? (although I don't even know now, LOL) is because of the way it all happened (see original post) do you think she will maintain NC or will she try and contact after her D. NOT THAT I AM WANTING THAT!!!!

 

I wondered about that too with my AP because of our last conversation. I broke things off before DDay, but it was a "break," not an ending. I wasn't sure at first whether he'd realize that DDay had changed things, or whether he'd contact me at some point in the future. It's been 6 months now, so I don't think there's anything to worry about. Thankfully.

[MMY]

I felt those were very good, guarded, politically correct answers, MMY. I will say that 'going in the right direction with my W' does not sound like a satisfying emotional endeavor. Good luck.

 

Thanks, I laughed out loud at the politically correct statement cause that is far from me. It is a process and we are working on it. I do have setbacks more often than she does and the triggers are not all A oriented. It's triggers of running. I had the running away thoughts in the back of my mind way before the A.

 

After my D and I had a few words last night I said that makes me feel like running. She knows what I meant and it did bother her. Like a said " its a process"

[Faith13/2]

Ok, Thanks everyone. I REALLY am not waiting or wanting. I don't know how else to put that is was only a question regarding NC in general and if everyone thought ExAP really went NC. That is it.

 

No plans on getting back together, I enjoy LS but I always seem to word my questions or statements wrongly and I end up having to clean tire track off of me from the Bus.

 

My biggest problem right now is my 18 year old daughter that (just yesterday) says I HATE YOU!!! She hates me because I have rules for her to live by while she is under my roof (we all have heard that growing up). Her 21 year old BF isn't helping things either.

 

Also, every since NC with ExAP, I have had NC with my parents (both up in age) nor my brother. I wasn't even told my dad was in the hospital.

 

I have always been a glass half full kind of guy but with the A, Daughter and parents, my glass has slowly gone dry.

 

I do talk with my W about things but I do like having other people to bounce things off of. These things are triggers for me as I had AP to talk to.

 

So I will continue to post even though I may say the wrong things. I do feel it is a good reality check.

 

Thanks

 

I've actually read your past post about your daughter from awhile ago. Not sure as if you're trying to bring that up again for discussion or not? or whether you were just trying to explain all that has been going on in your life at the moment.

[MMY]

No, just crap going on in my life right now!!! thats all

[AlwaysGrowing]

If your thoughts are with ap, then let your wife go.

 

NC means mental NC as well. As long as you give her real estate in your head, ap lives and breaths. You are thinking of the future...and ap is in it.

 

IF ap contacts either of you again, you face that together. To spend one more second concerned what ap will or wont do is robbing your marriage of a fair shot.

 

If you are undecided....let your wife go. Give her the gift of time to heal instead of stealing her life away. Because that is what you are doing.

[Betterthanthis13]

Thanks, I laughed out loud at the politically correct statement cause that is far from me. It is a process and we are working on it. I do have setbacks more often than she does and the triggers are not all A oriented. It's triggers of running. I had the running away thoughts in the back of my mind way before the A.

 

After my D and I had a few words last night I said that makes me feel like running. She knows what I meant and it did bother her. Like a said " its a process"

 

I interpret what you just said here as

"I am not sure what I want. I try to do the right thing and it doesn't feel right. I don't know why it doesn't feel right. This is driving me crazy. There must be something wrong with me. I'm just going to keep doing what people tell me the "right " thing to do is, even though inside I am miserable."

 

If you don't know what you want- that is ok.

 

But if that rings true--then that is your real problem, not NC with xAP. You should make a new thread titled "can you guys help me figure out what the heck I want?"

 

Maybe I'm wrong- but that's my interpretation.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I think you have discovered that your affair was, at least in part, a numbing against difficult situations.

 

The thing is, life is always difficult. The issue is that you have a crap way of dealing with it. And to be honest, you probably inherited that from your folks and passed it on to your kid...so no wonder you are having a tough time all around.

 

Only thing is...crap+crap+crap=real life. This is what life is...do you have it in you to deal with it without cheating (physically or emotionally?).

 

We can compare ****ty life stories if you want, no lie.

 

My parents do the disowning thing, each of my parents have been hospitalized and I didn't know...I cannot even remember what the argument was about last time and they did not speak to me for two years.

 

We are all cozy buds now. We can do a separate discussion about that in the f'd up family forum, we have fun there, you should come on down...

 

I raised two kids, both adults. Same nonsense most people deal with. Eventually they grow up. And hopefully move out. I told you before that I thought some of what was going on with your daughter related to your affair and marital issues, I will add poor coping skills to that. Stuff that can be fixed, but not fun times.

 

Plus more, but that's me not you.

 

The thing is...I feel compelled to remind you that your WIFE is going through the same crap as you PLUS having to somehow swallow that you cheated, fell in love and wanted to run away with MOW. (Again...a saint)

 

The difference is that you chose to deal with it through an affair, and your go to action to perk up your day is still affair thinking. (Think about closure with MOW; Think about if she will call me in 6 months; etc.)

 

So in your IC and MC are you dealing with that? Because real life has lots of sucky parts and if your go to action is to recall fondly your affair, then you are not a safe person for your wife to be married to.

 

So when you post, I think we do read what you say, and what you don't say. And if your crap relationship with your parents or daughter, means you are not fully all in on reconciliation...I continue to feel like I want to hug your wife and tell her she deserves better than what you are capable of giving her.

[MMY]

I know exactly what I want.

 

1 - I want my W and I to have the fun and excitement that we had 20 years ago.

 

2 - I want my D and I to have a Father and Daughter relationship.

 

3 - I want my Parents and I to get things worked out before the pass.

 

4 - I would love to make the money I used to make.

 

But yes, I have been confused on where my life is going and what it has become. I have always been able to think things through, I feel I have a great deal of common sense. I feel I know all the reasons why but when I stepped over the line with the A it just seem to flip the Big Ole "I don't give a F#@% button and I am trying to find the old me who deep down is a caring husband, father and son.

[MMY]

...I continue to feel like I want to hug your wife and tell her she deserves better than what you are capable of giving her.

 

I hope to prove you wrong

[It-is-what-it-is.]

MMY

 

I hope to prove you wrong

 

I do too, MMY, I do too. There is nothing I would like more, than to be wrong about you.

 

You certainly do not owe it to me, or anyone else on LS, but you could use the forum to dig deep and hear the painful feedback. Stuff your peeps in real life won't say. You have some hard questions people post, but I do find you don't try to engage in discussion?

 

I saw your list. And with the exception of #4, which you are on your own for. Each of the others are things you upon which you CAN get advice.

 

You but have to ask. Exactly like you did here. Try it.

[Betterthanthis13]

I know exactly what I want.

 

1 - I want my W and I to have the fun and excitement that we had 20 years ago.

 

2 - I want my D and I to have a Father and Daughter relationship.

 

3 - I want my Parents and I to get things worked out before the pass.

 

4 - I would love to make the money I used to make.

 

But yes, I have been confused on where my life is going and what it has become. I have always been able to think things through, I feel I have a great deal of common sense. I feel I know all the reasons why but when I stepped over the line with the A it just seem to flip the Big Ole "I don't give a F#@% button and I am trying to find the old me who deep down is a caring husband, father and son.

 

That is awesome to have that kind of clarity! In that case---resolve once and for all in your head to stop caring and stop wondering about things u can't control (xAP contacting you) and start taking action on the things you can control- How can my wife and I build a fun and exciting relationship? What exactly will I do if xAP contacts me? How can I build a great relationship with D? What can I do to improve my financial situation?

[AlwaysGrowing]

MMY, you start with Self Respect.

 

Does thinking of the ap make you feel like a better man?

Does reacting instead of responding to your daughter make you feel like a better man?

Does sitting back waiting for your parents to pass make you a better man?

 

 

YOU, yes YOU...are the one driving the bus.

 

We all live our life, filled with obstacles...relationships being the largest.

The power is within all of us..of how we go through this life...at this time...who we want to be.

 

When we have Self Respect, meaning we hold OURSELVES to our own internal standard of ethics or morals...it doesnt matter what anyone else does. They have to live with their choices...and we..ours.

 

Self Respect is tangible, you can see it, it is in our actions...not just our thoughts. That is why it is much more healthier to work on Self Respect than self esteem, as there are no checks...its just what we think..not what we do.

[compulsivedancer]

If you really, truly were in love with your W and wanted to be with her- the NC would not only be a no-brainer, but it would be EASY. You wouldn't have any problem telling her to get lost if she contacted you again. If you don't think it will be easy to do that- you might want to do some thinking about what you really want- no what other people say you "should" do.

 

I disagree. I really really did want to stay with H, even early on. Within a week I knew for sure.

 

And yet it's not until quite recently (about a month, which is at about 5.5-6 months after DDay and the end of A) that NC has become easy. If H hadn't been extremely drastic about NC (he said he WOULD leave me if I broke NC), I would probably have contacted AP at some point, possibly more than once.

 

At times I didn't even understand my compulsion to contact him. It never seemed that my feelings for him reached a strong enough point to justify the difficulty I was having with NC.

 

I think that this happens for two reasons:

 

1) The relationship is cut off early. It doesn't die a natural death so it doesn't feel finished (additionally, R brings up lots and lots of questions that I want to discuss with AP).

 

2) NC is much more stringent than normal break-up rules. Usually after a break-up you could still contact the other person a few times. Maybe you have to give him his stuff. Maybe you go get yours. Maybe you still see him casually as part of your friends group, you're still friends with him on FB, etc. NC is like the AP died. You can never see him again ever. It's very final, when done right, but that makes the grieving process a little different as a result. Of course, the reason NC is so stringent is BECAUSE of #1. The relationship isn't complete, so there is a strong chance of continuation due to contact.

[compulsivedancer]

I know exactly what I want.

 

1 - I want my W and I to have the fun and excitement that we had 20 years ago.

 

I don't know about any of the other stuff, but H and I have been using this time to try to add some fun and excitement in that we've never had. One of my issues pre-A was that I felt like I was icing on the cake, a fun little couple of moments for him each day out of his busy life.

 

Post-A, we've made an effort to set aside date nights in order to get that time back. We're focusing on each other during that time. The idea is to move forward by making NEW memories. As a couple, we have a tendency to spend most of our time together talking (which is great - a lot of couples with for exactly that!). Unfortunately, though, this doesn't make memories. So we've focused on DOING more things together. Going out, doing activities, staying in and cooking, etc.

 

This has been kind of hard sometimes because of all the pain and hurt in our relationship. It tends to sidetrack evenings that would otherwise have turned out to be wonderful.

 

As I've gotten further removed from AP, I've noticed that it's easier to appreciate H. Having AP in my life created an odd filter for viewing my H. As the fog dissipates, I can see him more clearly again, and see that man that I loved so much. This makes it much much easier to just enjoy our time together.

 

MMY, I don't see what the others see. I see a normal WS who is in the early stages of R. One who was very attached to his AP and has to get over her while trying to R. It doesn't happen all at once. It can be useful to use some of the techniques that people on LS tell you, and I encourage you to really take them to heart. But when they say "Just get over it. Just make a choice," you and I both know that it's not that easy. We can't just make the choice once; we have to keep making that choice, day by day. But time does help it heal, and if you are diligent, it gets better.

 

I wish you all the best. Don't get discouraged. Just keep doing the work. As long as you do the work and take the time to be there for your W and support her and think of her needs in R, you will get the best outcome that is possible for you and your relationship. Good luck.

[Betterthanthis13]

I disagree. I really really did want to stay with H, even early on. Within a week I knew for sure.

 

And yet it's not until quite recently (about a month, which is at about 5.5-6 months after DDay and the end of A) that NC has become easy. If H hadn't been extremely drastic about NC (he said he WOULD leave me if I broke NC), I would probably have contacted AP at some point, possibly more than once.

 

At times I didn't even understand my compulsion to contact him. It never seemed that my feelings for him reached a strong enough point to justify the difficulty I was having with NC.

 

I think that this happens for two reasons:

 

1) The relationship is cut off early. It doesn't die a natural death so it doesn't feel finished (additionally, R brings up lots and lots of questions that I want to discuss with AP).

 

2) NC is much more stringent than normal break-up rules. Usually after a break-up you could still contact the other person a few times. Maybe you have to give him his stuff. Maybe you go get yours. Maybe you still see him casually as part of your friends group, you're still friends with him on FB, etc. NC is like the AP died. You can never see him again ever. It's very final, when done right, but that makes the grieving process a little different as a result. Of course, the reason NC is so stringent is BECAUSE of #1. The relationship isn't complete, so there is a strong chance of continuation due to contact.

 

Good point- and maybe he is still in A "fog"? I think that's what it is called.

 

I have had a boyfriend die in a car accident-when I was young, but it was a year long relationship-- and it was very different from a breakup. In hindsight, we probably would have broken up anyway- I was 18 and he was 20. He sang in a band. I was a bartender. We fought a lot. Not the makings of everlasting love.

 

I probably idealized him and the relationship long after I would have if he had not been killed and we had just broken up. That wasnt really fair to guys I dated until about maybe age 25.

 

I came to realize that life is short and precious. And also totally unfair- I could have idealized the relationship a lot longer and inhibited my own progress in life. I eventually came out of that fog. So I think even though I've never been in an A- I can understand some of the dynamics of A fog. Very similar to teenage love/soulmate unfair death of boyfriend syndrome.

 

At some point, the fog lifts. That is when, and only when, a person can be emotionally available to be in a real relationship. MMY says he is ready now- my advice was slightly tongue in cheek- I don't think he is ready. I think he wants to be- but isn't yet. I hope for his sake and his W's sake he commits to telling himself the truth. At some point- NC will become easy if he is on the right path. If its not- or never becomes easy- that is a problem.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

MMY and CDancer

 

I get the concept of relationship withdrawal, and the other thread that talks about real vs. not real relationships, but.....

 

When you have an addiction and you are going through withdrawal, nobody encourages you to take out, say a glass of bourbon, and look at it, and smell it, and look longingly at it.

 

You are taught to look at what it does to you as a person, your behaviors and the negative impact it had on everyone around you. All the while, still wanting...

 

Affairs can be compared, not just because of the drugged like feeling, but because of the screwed up priorities, the destruction, the single mindedness about getting another fix to any addiction.

 

So to indulge in fond recollections...intentionally, unintentionally puts yourself at risk for reoffending.

 

Talking about the affair and the affair partner the fun you had etc is exactly like playing with a glass of bourbon.

 

Sooooo naturally the question is....are you committed? If yes, STOP.DOING.THIS. Snap a rubber and on your wrist, recite the mantra of the horrible consequences..stuff like that. Actively try to make the memories negative.

 

If you are uncertain whether you are committed, if yiu need to keep that warm happy place reserved for your AP, then take the right steps before you reoffend to end your marriages. Live authentically.

 

This applies to everyone, not just MMY. But MMY took another drink, what 2-3 weeks ago? He's not at 4 months NC ANYMORE.

 

Plus...

 

MMY is encountering the same stresses that drove his self dissatisfaction before.

 

MMY is playing with the glass of bourbon still.

 

(CD it sounds like you do too.)

 

Of course I could be wrong, I am just a poster on an anonymous forum...it's just the way I see it.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

? about NC. I am 4 mths NC from ExAP (18 mth A) and she went NC with me.

 

Her last communications with me was " I have to focus on my kids as I go the this D" and " I cant continue to be Selfish"

 

I did ask if what we had was real to her and I thought we could talk as friends, she said "friends yes but it is more difficult than I ever imagined with the D " and she said I Love You and that was it.

 

All of this happened after Dday and she has never blocked me from anything. My W and I are continuing to work on our M and I had to end up removing her from my FB.

 

My ? is did she go NC forever? or was she needing time to focus on her and her kids? I have since realized a D is not easy or quick, especially with 2 small kids.

 

I have not contacted her and respecting her as a friend as she is going through troubled times. She did leave me in a bad spot of not knowing what was going on and with my W finding out about us and poof gone. While her H "as far as I know doesn't know about us.

 

Thanks

 

I think she is going to contact you again sooner or later. Maybe she is reconciled, maybe she found a new guy - I guess you would see it if you looked at her facebook. But sooner or later, things will get dull, the spark will fade, she will look back fondly and remember the good times and reach out to you. I think the same may happen to you someday, reaching out for her. It's hard to predict the future, but that is my opinion.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

You have to make a decision - you are not helping anyone here. If you want your xow tell your wife. You are not being fair to either of your women. I think you want the satisfaction of knowing your xow is pining for you.

 

I hope she stays nc for her own sake because you don't sound like you really know what you want.

[Furious]

? about NC. I am 4 mths NC from ExAP (18 mth A) and she went NC with me.

 

Her last communications with me was " I have to focus on my kids as I go the this D" and " I cant continue to be Selfish"

 

I did ask if what we had was real to her and I thought we could talk as friends, she said "friends yes but it is more difficult than I ever imagined with the D " and she said I Love You and that was it.

 

All of this happened after Dday and she has never blocked me from anything. My W and I are continuing to work on our M and I had to end up removing her from my FB.

 

My ? is did she go NC forever? or was she needing time to focus on her and her kids? I have since realized a D is not easy or quick, especially with 2 small kids.

 

I have not contacted her and respecting her as a friend as she is going through troubled times. She did leave me in a bad spot of not knowing what was going on and with my W finding out about us and poof gone. While her H "as far as I know doesn't know about us.

 

Thanks

 

 

 

I'm sorry MMY, but your thinking and confusion about NC is a perfect example as to why cheap forgiveness by a betrayed spouse is a huge mistake.

 

You feel safe in your marriage as your wife has not sent you packing. This gives you the luxury to pine over the OW while you go through the motions of reconciliation.

 

It's obvious you are hoping for contact and will resume your affair if NC is broken.

 

MMY you aren't even being honest with yourself much less to your wife. What are you afraid of if you tell your wife what you've posted here?

Edited August 22, 2013 by Furious

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I'm sorry MMY, but your thinking and confusion about NC is a perfect example as to why cheap forgiveness by a betrayed spouse is a huge mistake.

 

You feel safe in your marriage as your wife has not sent you packing. This gives you the luxury to pine over the OW while you go through the motions of reconciliation.

 

It's obvious you are hoping for contact and will resume your affair if NC is broken.

 

MMY you aren't even being honest with yourself much less to your wife. What are you afraid of if you tell your wife what you've posted here?

 

What Furious said.

[Betterthanthis13]

I'm sorry MMY, but your thinking and confusion about NC is a perfect example as to why cheap forgiveness by a betrayed spouse is a huge mistake.

 

You feel safe in your marriage as your wife has not sent you packing. This gives you the luxury to pine over the OW while you go through the motions of reconciliation.

 

It's obvious you are hoping for contact and will resume your affair if NC is broken.

 

. MMY you aren't even being honest with yourself much less to your wife. What are you afraid of if you tell your wife what you've posted here?.

 

The answer to that question could help with your #1 "Having a better relationship with my wife"

 

If you want a better relationship with her like you had years ago, you give her the opportunity to know the real you. You grow together and strengthen your bond through deeper understanding of each other. Not by shielding each other from unpleasant truths. Ill bet there are things you don't know about your wife that she is afraid to tell you, too. Why don't you two really start getting to know each other again? Isn't that what you were doing in the beginning, when you were happy? Isn't that what you were really looking for in an AP? Someone to understand you? Isn't that what BS's usually want to know when they are asking, why why why? They want to know why because they care. Yeah they are pissed- but they usually want to know why because they care.

 

It takes courage to do all this, it's not easy.