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Question about No Contact (NC)

MMY

By MMY
in Infidelity

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MMY Established Member

MMY

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? about NC. I am 4 mths NC from ExAP (18 mth A) and she went NC with me.

 

Her last communications with me was " I have to focus on my kids as I go the this D" and " I cant continue to be Selfish"

 

I did ask if what we had was real to her and I thought we could talk as friends, she said "friends yes but it is more difficult than I ever imagined with the D " and she said I Love You and that was it.

 

All of this happened after Dday and she has never blocked me from anything. My W and I are continuing to work on our M and I had to end up removing her from my FB.

 

My ? is did she go NC forever? or was she needing time to focus on her and her kids? I have since realized a D is not easy or quick, especially with 2 small kids.

 

I have not contacted her and respecting her as a friend as she is going through troubled times. She did leave me in a bad spot of not knowing what was going on and with my W finding out about us and poof gone. While her H "as far as I know doesn't know about us.

 

Thanks

affairaddict Established Member

affairaddict

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Do you love your wife?

Why are you living a lie with her. Does your wife think you are committed to the marriage and trying to reconcile??

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MMY Established Member

MMY

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Do you love your wife?

Why are you living a lie with her. Does your wife think you are committed to the marriage and trying to reconcile??

Yes, it was just a question about NC. How you got Living a lie out of that I don't know.

affairaddict Established Member

affairaddict

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What are you talking about?

I'm too tired. Ill let someone else tell you off..

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MMY Established Member

MMY

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I was just reading a thread where someone was talking about NC and I just put what I had experienced out there.

Sarabi Established Member

Sarabi

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What are you talking about?

I'm too tired. Ill let someone else tell you off..

 

Lol :laugh: awww bless...

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Sarabi Established Member

Sarabi

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I think...people will tell you off because:

 

If you are NC and reconciling then you shouldn't be bothered about whether it means she is NC forever...unless your heart isn't really into reconciling and you are hoping after her divorce is final that you can get back together...?

Or...

Are you hoping that whilst reconciling and she is divorcing, the two of you can be friends? You are brave(or too scared to let her go completely?)...the friends thing-I couldn't do that.

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Faith13/2 Established Member

Faith13/2

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? about NC. I am 4 mths NC from ExAP (18 mth A) and she went NC with me.

 

Her last communications with me was " I have to focus on my kids as I go the this D" and " I cant continue to be Selfish"

 

I did ask if what we had was real to her and I thought we could talk as friends, she said "friends yes but it is more difficult than I ever imagined with the D " and she said I Love You and that was it.

 

All of this happened after Dday and she has never blocked me from anything. My W and I are continuing to work on our M and I had to end up removing her from my FB.

 

My ? is did she go NC forever? or was she needing time to focus on her and her kids? I have since realized a D is not easy or quick, especially with 2 small kids.

 

I have not contacted her and respecting her as a friend as she is going through troubled times. She did leave me in a bad spot of not knowing what was going on and with my W finding out about us and poof gone. While her H "as far as I know doesn't know about us.

 

Thanks

 

I think this is a good place to put this one specifically because of the situation. You could also try the Break up forum too.

 

I don't understand why you are trying to get in contact or have any care of why this girl is not getting in touch with you, if you're working things out with your wife. Personal opinion this girl has lost contact for a reason, and maybe you should move on too. If you really do want to fix things with your wife then you shouldn't be worrying about this other woman.

 

Seems you still care about this other woman and if that is the case, do not string your wife along any longer. It's not fair to her, you need to make a final decision and stick to it.

Edited by Faith13/2
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PhoenixRise Established Member

PhoenixRise

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As your wife is working on the marriage, working on reconciliation does she know you intend to maintain friendly contact with OW if OW will allow it?

 

Or is that a secret your are keeping? Something you will do behind her back?

 

Does your wife know about your last conversation with OW that happened after NC was in place.

 

Trying maintain ANY type of relationship with OW will eventually land you in divorce court.

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NotCamelot Established Member

NotCamelot

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Agree........ NC is bi-directional. If you are working on your M, you need ZERO contact with the former AP.

 

And, if you do care, leave her alone as she asks......for your wife's sake as well.

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MMY Established Member

MMY

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Thanks, was reading another post regarding NC and I thought I would post what happened to me.

 

I am not wanting to get back with her and i am working on my M. I was more or less wanting to see what folks thought about the NC in my situation.

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MMY Established Member

MMY

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As your wife is working on the marriage, working on reconciliation does she know you intend to maintain friendly contact with OW if OW will allow it? No, I don't plan on trying friendly contact. I have since realized that that isn't possible.

 

Or is that a secret your are keeping? Something you will do behind her back? No

 

Does your wife know about your last conversation with OW that happened after NC was in place. Yes

 

Trying maintain ANY type of relationship with OW will eventually land you in divorce court.

I agree

...

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MMY Established Member

MMY

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No, I am not planning on being friends. I know that is not possible.

 

I still come to LS to look, listen and learn. As I said, I saw a post about NC and I just thought I would ask the question about NC in my situation.

 

I may have worded it wrong but I am R, I was just posting the ?

Faith13/2 Established Member

Faith13/2

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Thanks, was reading another post regarding NC and I thought I would post what happened to me.

 

I am not wanting to get back with her and i am working on my M. I was more or less wanting to see what folks thought about the NC in my situation.

 

In your case I think the NC is for the best. I also think if this OW does come back around after her D, you should refrain from all contact and you should be the one to go NC. That is if you're really serious about fixing your M.

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NotCamelot Established Member

NotCamelot

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Thanks, was reading another post regarding NC and I thought I would post what happened to me.

 

I am not wanting to get back with her and i am working on my M. I was more or less wanting to see what folks thought about the NC in my situation.

 

I guess I don't really understand what you are asking. From what you say, it sounds like the A is over. That being the case, she has asked for NC....and you should honor that. You say your are working with W on your on M......and that means you must forever maintain NC with the former AP.

 

Is this what you wanted to know????

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MMY Established Member

MMY

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I guess I don't really understand what you are asking. From what you say, it sounds like the A is over. That being the case, she has asked for NC....and you should honor that. You say your are working with W on your on M......and that means you must forever maintain NC with the former AP.

 

Is this what you wanted to know????

Yes A is over and we are working on our M. I think my ? (although I don't even know now, LOL) is because of the way it all happened (see original post) do you think she will maintain NC or will she try and contact after her D. NOT THAT I AM WANTING THAT!!!!

thecharade Established Member

thecharade

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As I've told you, MMY, there's something about your story, your M, you, that I can really relate to. I believe that what I can relate to is that you are trying very hard in your M, want to feel happy and fulfilled, are going to IC/MC and doing everything "right," but you just can't get over your AP. At least, I pick up that sentiment in many of your posts. And all that is me, as well. I wish I could snap my fingers and be over him, but it has not happened. (My AP would gladly accept an A, but I am not a 'two worlds' person. I hated the A and wanted a decision for us either way. His decision was "I can't decide right now," so I went NC with no goodbye or explanation.)

 

Reconciliation and 'wondering any last anything about the AP' are mutually exclusive, supposedly. I think that is because fWS just don't admit to their thoughts after an A ends (unless there truly was little emotion). But I can't know that. It's just been my experience.

 

So, be honest here. This forum is anonymous. How are you doing? What are your feelings for and about your AP? Are you able to be fully honest with your IC? ( Mine has preconceived ideas about certain things, so she sometimes dismisses what I say that doesn't match her beliefs.) Are you honest with yourself? I know I still have very tough days of missing my AP. I have loved him for many years, and I enjoyed his company and conversation. My H is a good person and doesn't deserve this sh@t, but that doesn't make my AP NOT someone that I love/loved and miss. We could have worked without all this baggage, so of course I miss him. (That stuff is not true for all As or APs, but it was true for me.)

 

It's all painfully hard, for everyone.

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Faith13/2 Established Member

Faith13/2

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Yes A is over and we are working on our M. I think my ? (although I don't even know now, LOL) is because of the way it all happened (see original post) do you think she will maintain NC or will she try and contact after her D. NOT THAT I AM WANTING THAT!!!!

 

 

It could go either way.. the outcome of which ever way it goes depends on you though.

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Betterthanthis13 Established Member

Betterthanthis13

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Yes A is over and we are working on our M. I think my ? (although I don't even know now, LOL) is because of the way it all happened (see original post) do you think she will maintain NC or will she try and contact after her D. NOT THAT I AM WANTING THAT!!!!

 

You can't predict the future so best to prepare for what you are going to do if either situation occurs-

 

1. She never contacts you again. Great. That one is easy. Do nothing.

2. She initiates contact some time in the future. If she does, what are you prepared to do about it?

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MMY Established Member

MMY

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As I've told you, MMY, there's something about your story, your M, you, that I can really relate to. I believe that what I can relate to is that you are trying very hard in your M, want to feel happy and fulfilled, are going to IC/MC and doing everything "right," but you just can't get over your AP. At least, I pick up that sentiment in many of your posts. And all that is me, as well. I wish I could snap my fingers and be over him, but it has not happened. (My AP would gladly accept an A, but I am not a 'two worlds' person. I hated the A and wanted a decision for us either way. His decision was "I can't decide right now," so I went NC with no goodbye or explanation.)

 

Reconciliation and 'wondering any last anything about the AP' are mutually exclusive, supposedly. I think that is because fWS just don't admit to their thoughts after an A ends (unless there truly was little emotion). But I can't know that. It's just been my experience.

 

So, be honest here. This forum is anonymous. How are you doing? I am doing good. My W and I are getting out more. My 18 year old D and I are still having major issues, which trigger things. What are your feelings for and about your AP? I do think of her, just not all the time. I hope her and her kids are able to get through the D as best they can.Are you able to be fully honest with your IC? I haven't went back to C since April. ( Mine has preconceived ideas about certain things, so she sometimes dismisses what I say that doesn't match her beliefs.) Are you honest with yourself? When I sit down and think, really think, I know I am going in the right direction with my W. So yes I know I still have very tough days of missing my AP. I have loved him for many years, and I enjoyed his company and conversation. My H is a good person and doesn't deserve this sh@t, but that doesn't make my AP NOT someone that I love/loved and miss. We could have worked without all this baggage, so of course I miss him. (That stuff is not true for all As or APs, but it was true for me.)

 

It's all painfully hard, for everyone.

Thanks...

.....

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MMY Established Member

MMY

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I plan on getting on LS and telling you all. Cause I know yall will kick me in the butt and straighten me out. ;)

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It-is-what-it-is. Established Member

It-is-what-it-is.

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Yes A is over and we are working on our M. I think my ? (although I don't even know now, LOL) is because of the way it all happened (see original post) do you think she will maintain NC or will she try and contact after her D. NOT THAT I AM WANTING THAT!!!!

 

MMY,

 

You probably don't want to hear from me cause I have been particularly harsh with you. If so I understand.

 

Your NC was broken when you had the follow up "closure" discussion with MOW. I am glad to see you told your wife about it. She has the patience of a saint, I hope you know, because that would have been the end of my marriage to you if it were me.

 

However, do I think your AP will break NC? Probably. I was under the impression you wanted the door left open for that.

 

Why? Because your conversations with MOW have been relayed to LS as being very much star crossed lovers, who are kept from each other by circumstance, but who would be together if circumstances were different. You expressed your undying love for each other in that last conversation. I assume that the "message" she got is that you are leaving the door open for her eventual return after her divorce is final and the two of you will be together.

 

Because of that tone in your previous postings, I continued to suggest you bow out of your marriage as your wife seemed to be your fallback plan since your MOW broke it off.

 

You seem to suggest something has changed, but I am not sure.

Edited by It-is-what-it-is.
Punctuation
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thecharade Established Member

thecharade

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I felt those were very good, guarded, politically correct answers, MMY. I will say that 'going in the right direction with my W' does not sound like a satisfying emotional endeavor. Good luck.

Sooverhim Member

Sooverhim

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Hi MMY! My take on this is that your XMW meant that she wanted to go NC then at that time completely to focus on her children during the difficult traumatic time of her divorce, I suspect she is keeping a door open with her "I love you" comment and talk of being friends. I imagine she was potentially keeping you as a future option, once her divorce is finalised and her life is calmer. She didn't know at that time whether she would want a relationship with you at a later date, but just in case she did she didn't close the door totally.

 

For your own sanity and for the sake of your marriage of course you will want to stay NC with her forever. I've been there done that, numerous times, and having contact only opens up old wounds and f***s up your M again, no good comes of it.

 

Just let go of your XMW MMY, she isn't in your life any more.

 

Best wishes:)

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NotCamelot Established Member

NotCamelot

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Yes A is over and we are working on our M. I think my ? (although I don't even know now, LOL) is because of the way it all happened (see original post) do you think she will maintain NC or will she try and contact after her D. NOT THAT I AM WANTING THAT!!!!

 

 

Going on ONLY what you said, her ILY probably does mean that she will try - later - to get in touch. BUT it is your resposibility to make sure that you have all avenues that were used in the past totally closed and that it will be hard for her to find you in the future.

 

But, if she does, it is also your responsibility to "nip-it-in-the-bud" AND LET YOUR WIFE KNOW IMMEDIATELY.......

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