Is it my fault?

August 21, 2013

I've been dumped over trust issues and I'm struggling to figure out if I really am to blame.

This man came into my life, after having broken up with me a year and a half prior and having no contact, to tell me how sorry he was and how much he realized he wanted to be with me. The issue then was just that he had too much going on in his life and could not deal with the responsibility and stress of a relationship (or so that is how the story went when he came back). I missed him. He said and did all of the right things, showed commitment and care, but I was nervous. The thing is, we live in two different cities, 3 hours apart, so we would see each other on the weekends, but weekdays were apart.

I felt like I was getting the relationship I had always wanted and it felt amazingly healthy and wonderful to me. But it didn't last. One of the problems we continually faced was that he immediately demanded I give up my male friends and hobbies (salsa dancing is a big hobby of mine). I can understand being jealous, but he would always have been welcome wherever I went if we lived in the same city, so I didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong. I also admit that during the first few weeks of being together, I continued to go out with friends to parties and didn't tell everyone I had a boyfriend right from the getgo. I was not unfaithful, per se, but I was probably still conducting myself somewhat like a single person. Day by day, that felt less right to me so I gave those things up and made it very clear to everyone in my life how committed I was to my boyfriend and ready to really give it a good shot with him. To me, this felt like a natural progression.

All of the demands he made on me, however, made me reluctant to take care of myself and pursue interests during the week. Whenever I would try to talk to him about it, because I wanted to find activities he would be ok with me doing, it turned into a big fight. He considers having lunch or going on a walk with a single male friend a date. I do not. And I can see how those things fall by the wayside naturally over time, but I just didn't think it was fair to demand it from the start.

Not taking care of myself led to me being grumpy and resentful. I see that now. I just want to start over. In rehashing the relationship, he's told me how by the time I "turned the corner" and gave up my friendships, he was exhausted and didn't trust me.

He had a picture on his phone he was really proud of. One day, I gently tried to bring up that I felt like I needed to have activities during the week so I wouldn't pine so hard for him. But that meant taking dance classes or things where I might meet guys and they would talk to me. He got so upset that the next time I saw him, the picture wasn't on his phone. He told me, "I got so upset at the thought of you hanging out with these other guys that I looked and looked at your picture and every time I saw it it bothered me."

I'm torn between feeling like I've done something horribly wrong and I can just fix it and feeling like he was not being reasonable.

In the end, I guess it doesn't matter because the relationship is over (no matter how badly I wish it weren't).

I'm on day ONE of no contact after a week of begging and pleading for it not to be over. Trying to explain how I really was committed and trustworthy, even if I was reluctant at the start. Wishing we could work it out.

August 21, 2013

I've been dumped over trust issues and I'm struggling to figure out if I really am to blame.

This man came into my life, after having broken up with me a year and a half prior and having no contact, to tell me how sorry he was and how much he realized he wanted to be with me. The issue then was just that he had too much going on in his life and could not deal with the responsibility and stress of a relationship (or so that is how the story went when he came back). I missed him. He said and did all of the right things, showed commitment and care, but I was nervous. The thing is, we live in two different cities, 3 hours apart, so we would see each other on the weekends, but weekdays were apart.

I felt like I was getting the relationship I had always wanted and it felt amazingly healthy and wonderful to me. But it didn't last. One of the problems we continually faced was that he immediately demanded I give up my male friends and hobbies (salsa dancing is a big hobby of mine). I can understand being jealous, but he would always have been welcome wherever I went if we lived in the same city, so I didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong. I also admit that during the first few weeks of being together, I continued to go out with friends to parties and didn't tell everyone I had a boyfriend right from the getgo. I was not unfaithful, per se, but I was probably still conducting myself somewhat like a single person. Day by day, that felt less right to me so I gave those things up and made it very clear to everyone in my life how committed I was to my boyfriend and ready to really give it a good shot with him. To me, this felt like a natural progression.

All of the demands he made on me, however, made me reluctant to take care of myself and pursue interests during the week. Whenever I would try to talk to him about it, because I wanted to find activities he would be ok with me doing, it turned into a big fight. He considers having lunch or going on a walk with a single male friend a date. I do not. And I can see how those things fall by the wayside naturally over time, but I just didn't think it was fair to demand it from the start.

Not taking care of myself led to me being grumpy and resentful. I see that now. I just want to start over. In rehashing the relationship, he's told me how by the time I "turned the corner" and gave up my friendships, he was exhausted and didn't trust me.

He had a picture on his phone he was really proud of. One day, I gently tried to bring up that I felt like I needed to have activities during the week so I wouldn't pine so hard for him. But that meant taking dance classes or things where I might meet guys and they would talk to me. He got so upset that the next time I saw him, the picture wasn't on his phone. He told me, "I got so upset at the thought of you hanging out with these other guys that I looked and looked at your picture and every time I saw it it bothered me."

I'm torn between feeling like I've done something horribly wrong and I can just fix it and feeling like he was not being reasonable.

In the end, I guess it doesn't matter because the relationship is over (no matter how badly I wish it weren't).

I'm on day ONE of no contact after a week of begging and pleading for it not to be over. Trying to explain how I really was committed and trustworthy, even if I was reluctant at the start. Wishing we could work it out.

I'm a bit of a jealous person as is my Fiance so I'm not sure as to how this will help when you don't seem the type.

In my relationship we also went through the process of eliminating a lot of both our everyday activities for reasons much similar to your's. I know you weren't doing anything wrong in your eyes, but for him it comes down to being insecure for whatever reason that may be.

I think what happened really had to come down to what you wanted. You could have either done what he asked of you to ensure his comfort(as a long distance relationship can be very stressful in this type of subject) or you could do what you did and debate as to why you shouldn't have to..

I get both takes on the situation, I can understand you feeling it to be harmless, but I can also say something like my Fiance talking a walk with a female would drive me insane, and I personally wouldn't have that, as I know my Fiance wouldn't. As I said though we are both the jealous types.

Don't think the issue comes down to you though, I think it's obvious your Ex was insecure. So I don't feel you had to being doing anything, and he would have still thought the worst.

Edited August 21, 2013 by Faith13/2

August 21, 2013

I've been dumped over trust issues and I'm struggling to figure out if I really am to blame.

This man came into my life, after having broken up with me a year and a half prior and having no contact, to tell me how sorry he was and how much he realized he wanted to be with me. The issue then was just that he had too much going on in his life and could not deal with the responsibility and stress of a relationship (or so that is how the story went when he came back). I missed him. He said and did all of the right things, showed commitment and care, but I was nervous. The thing is, we live in two different cities, 3 hours apart, so we would see each other on the weekends, but weekdays were apart.

I felt like I was getting the relationship I had always wanted and it felt amazingly healthy and wonderful to me. But it didn't last. One of the problems we continually faced was that he immediately demanded I give up my male friends and hobbies (salsa dancing is a big hobby of mine). I can understand being jealous, but he would always have been welcome wherever I went if we lived in the same city, so I didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong. I also admit that during the first few weeks of being together, I continued to go out with friends to parties and didn't tell everyone I had a boyfriend right from the getgo. I was not unfaithful, per se, but I was probably still conducting myself somewhat like a single person. Day by day, that felt less right to me so I gave those things up and made it very clear to everyone in my life how committed I was to my boyfriend and ready to really give it a good shot with him. To me, this felt like a natural progression.

All of the demands he made on me, however, made me reluctant to take care of myself and pursue interests during the week. Whenever I would try to talk to him about it, because I wanted to find activities he would be ok with me doing, it turned into a big fight. He considers having lunch or going on a walk with a single male friend a date. I do not. And I can see how those things fall by the wayside naturally over time, but I just didn't think it was fair to demand it from the start.

Not taking care of myself led to me being grumpy and resentful. I see that now. I just want to start over. In rehashing the relationship, he's told me how by the time I "turned the corner" and gave up my friendships, he was exhausted and didn't trust me.

He had a picture on his phone he was really proud of. One day, I gently tried to bring up that I felt like I needed to have activities during the week so I wouldn't pine so hard for him. But that meant taking dance classes or things where I might meet guys and they would talk to me. He got so upset that the next time I saw him, the picture wasn't on his phone. He told me, "I got so upset at the thought of you hanging out with these other guys that I looked and looked at your picture and every time I saw it it bothered me."

I'm torn between feeling like I've done something horribly wrong and I can just fix it and feeling like he was not being reasonable.

In the end, I guess it doesn't matter because the relationship is over (no matter how badly I wish it weren't).

I'm on day ONE of no contact after a week of begging and pleading for it not to be over. Trying to explain how I really was committed and trustworthy, even if I was reluctant at the start. Wishing we could work it out.

You admitted to continually conducting yourself like a single person, telling people you were single, and going out to eat/walks with other single men?

That doesn't really sound like something a committed person would do.

To be honest, I think he was being a little over protective, but it sounds like he isn't capable of maintaining a LDR. perhaps it would be different if you were closer, but who's to know.

He was overly insecure, while at the same time you were conducting yourself like a single person (mostly because he isn't there to occupy your time 5 days a week). I don't think either side is all guilty or all innocent. it all comes down to the LDR just didn't work with your personalities.

August 21, 2013

He was overly insecure, while at the same time you were conducting yourself like a single person (mostly because he isn't there to occupy your time 5 days a week). I don't think either side is all guilty or all innocent. it all comes down to the LDR just didn't work with your personalities.

I agree with this completely. An LDR causes a lot more concerns and bad thoughts than a typically relationship does sometimes. If you guys lived closer to one another I think things could have been a little different, but who knows. Either way there is obvious signs as to way the relationship ended up this way.

August 21, 2013

I'm a bit of a jealous person as is my Fiance so I'm not sure as to how this will help when you don't seem the type.

In my relationship we also went through the process of eliminating a lot of both our everyday activities for reasons much similar to your's. I know you weren't doing anything wrong in your eyes, but for him it comes down to being insecure for whatever reason that may be.

I think what happened really had to come down to what you wanted. You could have either done what he asked of you to ensure his comfort(as a long distance relationship can be very stressful in this type of subject) or you could do what you did and debate as to why you shouldn't have to..

I get both takes on the situation, I can understand you feeling it to be harmless, but I can also say something like my Fiance talking a walk with a female would drive me insane, and I personally wouldn't have that, as I know my Fiance wouldn't. As I said though we are both the jealous types.

Don't think the issue comes down to you though, I think it's obvious your Ex was insecure. So I don't feel you had to being doing anything, and he would have still thought the worst.

I see the point now. It just took me a while to get here. How can I fix it? He is agreeing to talk to me tonight, but I don't think he desires reconciliation at all. I feel so awful and wished I had truly understood things from his viewpoint better.

August 21, 2013

You admitted to continually conducting yourself like a single person, telling people you were single, and going out to eat/walks with other single men?

That doesn't really sound like something a committed person would do.

To be honest, I think he was being a little over protective, but it sounds like he isn't capable of maintaining a LDR. perhaps it would be different if you were closer, but who's to know.

He was overly insecure, while at the same time you were conducting yourself like a single person (mostly because he isn't there to occupy your time 5 days a week). I don't think either side is all guilty or all innocent. it all comes down to the LDR just didn't work with

August 21, 2013

I see the point now. It just took me a while to get here. How can I fix it? He is agreeing to talk to me tonight, but I don't think he desires reconciliation at all. I feel so awful and wished I had truly understood things from his viewpoint better.

As you stated you don't think he desires to reconcile, but you can show him that you understand where he was coming from. To show that you see the situation from both view points sometimes helps, as well as admitting to when you're wrong. If you feel you were wrong in any situation feel free to add that, but don't beg for his forgiveness, as you we're not the only one at fault(also don't think you should say that though, would just start another argument).

Just see what he has to say, speak on what is spoken of. Don't over analyze and just go with it. As both of the posts have said, it just may not be something you guys can handle.(an LDR) Maybe somehow you two can come to a compromise or something. Who knows, either way this talk is your chance for closure and leaving the situation on good terms if possible.

August 21, 2013

I just have that awful, "I wish I could go back to how things were because I was so happy with the relationship" mentality. And if I had just had my head on straight in the beginning and not made him insecure and withdrawn, which in turn made me bitchy and cranky, we would be happy together.

August 22, 2013

Aww, boo. He had something come up and can't talk tonight, but appreciates my understanding. Obviously I have to bite my tongue and just say, "have fun."

Why do I feel like a mouse being batted around by a cat?

Short text message exchange that leaves me feeling ambiguous. He accepts my apologies, says he should have let me come round on my own initially instead of pressing so hard, says he didn't fall out of love with me, but gives no indication of wanting a relationship.

Edited August 22, 2013 by LoveIs

August 22, 2013

Aww, boo. He had something come up and can't talk tonight, but appreciates my understanding. Obviously I have to bite my tongue and just say, "have fun."

Why do I feel like a mouse being batted around by a cat?

Short text message exchange that leaves me feeling ambiguous. He accepts my apologies, says he should have let me come round on my own initially instead of pressing so hard, says he didn't fall out of love with me, but gives no indication of wanting a relationship.

Neither of you were a 100% innocent, so don't just put all the blame on yourself. If you want to, continue speaking to him and see if you can get a decent conversation. Don't string yourself along though and wait on him. It's obvious this relationship wasn't exactly healthy, I say you just focus on you and getting your head clear. If he comes along and chooses to talk then fine, but don't make yourself unavailable on his account.

August 22, 2013

Neither of you were a 100% innocent, so don't just put all the blame on yourself. If you want to, continue speaking to him and see if you can get a decent conversation. Don't string yourself along though and wait on him. It's obvious this relationship wasn't exactly healthy, I say you just focus on you and getting your head clear. If he comes along and chooses to talk then fine, but don't make yourself unavailable on his account.

You give sound advice. But I'm learning lately that I have an awfully hard time dealing with ambiguity. Obviously I can make it unambiguous by walking away, but that is so much easier said than done.

This guy is the master of ambiguity. I never know where I stand with him and it inflicts some serious psychological torment.

August 22, 2013

You give sound advice. But I'm learning lately that I have an awfully hard time dealing with ambiguity. Obviously I can make it unambiguous by walking away, but that is so much easier said than done.

This guy is the master of ambiguity. I never know where I stand with him and it inflicts some serious psychological torment.

I completely understand, and the fact that you still have feelings for him won't make it easy. You just have to be strong and be ready for any outcome that may happen, whether good or bad.

August 22, 2013

I completely understand, and the fact that you still have feelings for him won't make it easy. You just have to be strong and be ready for any outcome that may happen, whether good or bad.

Whether good or bad. I'm not sure which is which these days.

August 22, 2013

Totally up to him what boundaries he insists on in a relationship. But, honestly, he sounds like a bit of an ass.

Dangerous to be basically begging for another chance, as you'll never be on equal footing.

Also, I think he's playing with you right now - all graciously accepting your apology while keeping you on a string.

August 22, 2013

Totally up to him what boundaries he insists on in a relationship. But, honestly, he sounds like a bit of an ass.

Dangerous to be basically begging for another chance, as you'll never be on equal footing.

Also, I think he's playing with you right now - all graciously accepting your apology while keeping you on a string.

At this point, I do think he's toying with me. I remember before showing people our conversations (we communicate by gchat a lot) and them telling me he was a bad person, manipulating and toying with my emotions. I have a hard time thinking that. He really seemed so genuine.

August 22, 2013

At this point, I do think he's toying with me. I remember before showing people our conversations (we communicate by gchat a lot) and them telling me he was a bad person, manipulating and toying with my emotions. I have a hard time thinking that. He really seemed so genuine.

If you think he could be toying with you or playing games you know what you should do. People can say a lot of things to seem genuine, doesn't mean they are.. that's where the saying 'Actions speak louder than words' comes in.

August 22, 2013

If you think he could be toying with you or playing games you know what you should do. People can say a lot of things to seem genuine, doesn't mean they are.. that's where the saying 'Actions speak louder than words' comes in.

Well, his actions certainly seemed genuine at one point in time. But it didn't last. Reading these forums to see what people say about other friendships and activities has made me appreciate his perspective a little bit more. It's not anything I ever had to think about prior to this because I've never dated long distance and I've never been with someone so jealous. I guess that's part of the reason I feel so desperate to work it out.

August 22, 2013

And he canceled on me again for talking. Says he "doesn't mind talking," but something came up. Friend has canceled her weekend birthday party and is inviting people out tonight. She actually indicated to me at one point during the relationship that she was concerned about his controlling behavior, so who knows, maybe she will talk some sense into him (I doubt it).

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