affairaddict Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Off the back of that NC thread anyone know if you heel in time , moved on, they contact you when you're over it or you see them is all ok then , or are you always addicted? 5 years down the line say? Is it actually like alcoholism?? Or is it like a normal ex bf gf once you're over it you feel nothing if contacts made or you see them?
Feb Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I don't love him anymore, nor am I addicted to him. However if he contacted me years down the road (or even now), it would definitely be awkward for me. I don't think we can ever get to the point where we are just friends -- too much history and painful feelings. I can't say the same for the rest of the people on this board. There are people who are somehow tied emotionally to their AP for 15+ years. Whether this is affair addition or a true love/soulmate situation is really unique to the situation and the people involved.
Author affairaddict Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Interesting. But how do you know how you'll feel if you've not seen him or heard From him?
Calcmag Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) My addiction isn't current. But I think it could be revived. I'll try to explain with a cigarette analogy. I quit smoking 12 years ago. I'm not interested in smoking any longer. Just as I'm not longer interested in former OM. However, just as with my smoking addiction which I feel sure would return if I had a couple of drags on a ciggie, so I feel potentially vulnerable with exOM. I'm lucky. Even though we only live 25 miles apart, our paths will never cross. We no longer work together - I had to leave my job as part of my healing. We don't socialise in the same places, share no mutual friends. So I know I'll never see him again. As far as contact, I have no email address for him. I can still remember his mobile number, and I know where he lives. I've never looked to see if he's on FB, don't do any social media myself anyway. I broke NC a couple of times, but I think I trust myself fully now to never do it again. But if I happened to bump into him socially ? That would be different. As much as I know I absolutely did the right thing when I ended it, I do feel as if I could fall into the addiction again. That's sad and pathetic, but I do think it will require vigilance on my part for many years ahead. 4 years since I last saw him in person. Edited August 21, 2013 by Calcmag 2
maidai Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 4 years since I last saw him in person. Ugh. That is my biggest fear. Now two weeks full NC and 3 weeks down the line from seeing him phsyically I feel I would ignore him completely. It may knock me sick but I would deal with that myself and not engage. However, I also have a ridiculously forgiving demenour and have never been one to hold a grudge and I hope in time years down the line that should I see him I wont engage. I do have another side though that once you have filled your hole full with me I rarely wish to put myself back into a situation where I entertain you. I hope the later side would be the one that overtook should it in a few years time it happen.
SunsetRed Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I've heard many on this board say that there is an addictive quality to the OW MM relationship. I know its been the hardest relationship Ive ever had to leave. Perhaps women who already have an addictive personality are drawn to this type of relationship where our self esteem is beat into the ground. Perhaps we have walls up that wont let an available man come in or we don't feel worthy of being loved and valued. We may have all the damage that causes addiction in the first place so that when we get into these relationships, we feel addicted. Prior to xMM, I struggled w anorexia and exercise addiction. I then struggled w addiction to pain killers. Now that all that is beat, that voice in my head still tells me that the bread crumbs MM threw at me are all Im worth. I also was a victim of child abuse and domestic violence in my first marriage, so that's where the walls come up, that no one can get too close, and an MM definitely cant get too close. So, I was already effed up by the time I met MM and somehow I convinved myself that his breadcrumbs were love and then felt like my whole inside was ripped out when he left. So, a short answer to your question, yes..relationships w MMs are more addictive, but many OWs were already prone to addictions before they got w MM. 2
SunsetRed Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Oh and even if I do marry someone else, I will always carry a torch for him. In addition to only getting breadcrumbs, I had the knowledge that he bought his wife a car, took her on expensive trips, paid all of her bills etc. So she was worth all of that and I was worth a cheap sexual fling and a few deep conversations that made me feel like we were connected. He's gone, but I'll never be completely mentally healed from this. 1
Author affairaddict Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Sunset that's a lovely post albeit sad really can relate a little... Although I do see myself as very tough and string mentally which is why I walked away twice this time it's for good. But yeah I hear you. I feel I will always have the torch, and seeing him or any contact will set me straight back - maybe a couple of years later . I feel that the torch is never fully extinguished when the Ap walks away out of pride and can't stand being no 2 anymore. At least when you're dumped or you dump a real BF you do seem to get over them easily
wanting more Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I don't love him anymore, nor am I addicted to him. However if he contacted me years down the road (or even now), it would definitely be awkward for me. I don't think we can ever get to the point where we are just friends -- too much history and painful feelings. I can't say the same for the rest of the people on this board. There are people who are somehow tied emotionally to their AP for 15+ years. Whether this is affair addition or a true love/soulmate situation is really unique to the situation and the people involved. Like. Like. Like.
TaintedLuv Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Honey, I think you are totally looking at this wrong. It's not that she is worth more than you, it is that he was married to her. Everything you mentioned are what couples do: They buy cars, they go on trips, they pay the bills using marital assets. Really, now, this kind of comparison is dangerous for one's self worth. Maybe that is stating the obvious but I guess that's all we have- comparing ourselves to the W. She is worth more. Isn't that why they never leave? I feel exactly like sunset. Although I can't pinpoint why I allowed this to happen. No addictions or abusive relationships. Parents have been married 32 years. Clearly something in my brain is screwed up.
wanting more Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 You can actually LIKE it if you hit the LIKE button under the post. I know but I liked it so much and agree with 100% in my own life I figured there was no need to me to post my own words.
trailrunner1975 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 When I was in the fog it felt like a forever-type addiction. Thankfully I had internal timelines/benchmarks that had yes/no outcomes and stuck with them. I never did let on to her I had them as it was for my well being. I kept emotions out of those decisions and kind of approached them with a third party attitude. As in, would the non-fog me put up with broken promises or being blown off. Or being expected to answer a text immediately but getting mine answered when she felt like it, if at all? The last benchmark was simple: ask her one last time to meet and if the answer is anything but yes/make a concrete plan then I cut it cold turkey. She waffled with no answer but plenty of excuses so I told her maybe next week and she said we'll see. Went cold turkey on my end. It was hard at first but I kept looking forward. Have ever seen the movie Secretariat? The last race shows the horse pulling away from the rest and leaving them in the dust-way behind. That is how I felt after 60 days or so. I didn't look back and charged ahead harder and harder. There is a sense of freedom that I could not have had otherwise. She still tries to contact occasionally though now I have no pull at all towards her. I feel for her like I do a telemarketer. 3
Feb Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Interesting. But how do you know how you'll feel if you've not seen him or heard From him? I don't know... that's the problem. After 8 weeks of NC, I got a call on my cell phone. By that time I erased all his contact info (didn't block it). The number looked like my xAPs and although I thought I was "past it" at that point, my heart started racing and I broke into a cold sweat. It turned out it wasn't my xAP but one of my old co-workers with a similar number. However, that physical reaction I had was not one of "oh, I'm so excited and thrilled he's calling me", it was more of "holy sh*t, now what". The reaction was more about fear of why he was calling and what he would say (i.e. a dday), not that I was happy to hear from him. To your point and another poster's, you don't really know for sure until you're in the situation. I used to have a lot of triggers early on too, because we worked in the same area. As soon as my job moved a fair distance away, all the triggers were gone as well, so I haven't really been tested yet.
ladydesigner Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I am 5 years out from my A and have not one iota of feeling, missing, thinking, or wondering what he may be doing. You have to want to let go of the person and forgive yourself. It happens with time. Unfortunately for anyone I think it is time, whether that be OW,WS,or BS. 1
thecharade Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Off the back of that NC thread anyone know if you heel in time , moved on, they contact you when you're over it or you see them is all ok then , or are you always addicted? 5 years down the line say? Is it actually like alcoholism?? Or is it like a normal ex bf gf once you're over it you feel nothing if contacts made or you see them? I will always be addicted to him! He is an exbf, now an exAP, and neither of us will ever be over it. We just have to stay apart. Or get divorced. No other options.
BruisedBNBroken Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Sorry for the T/J, Feb and Trailrunner, it's amazing to hear how well you've healed and are doing. As MOW/MOM, can I ask how your marriage is now and if you're happy/happier with your H/W now that the affair ended and there was no DDay?
trailrunner1975 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Sorry for the T/J, Feb and Trailrunner, it's amazing to hear how well you've healed and are doing. As MOW/MOM, can I ask how your marriage is now and if you're happy/happier with your H/W now that the affair ended and there was no DDay? Much better than before and we do more together. My case is one where W has issues from her childhood that causes extreme anger. She hid the past well but her tirades were off the charts. My A was an escape I guess and in a weird way kept me sane. After the fog lifted I realized there had to be some hidden issue from her past causing all of this and she found couseling. It has helped immensely. My ex AP had the same upbringing and that is how I figured out the cause of W's tirades. I knew this because I have known ex AP since I was 10. 1
Feb Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Sorry for the T/J, Feb and Trailrunner, it's amazing to hear how well you've healed and are doing. As MOW/MOM, can I ask how your marriage is now and if you're happy/happier with your H/W now that the affair ended and there was no DDay? My marriage is much, much better now, as is the relationship with my kids, friends and family. This is mostly due to really having to take a good hard look at myself, and trying to figure out why and how I lost my way and engaged in something that is so against my nature. It's really embarrassing how I got into this situation ... I don't have an abusive H, and I can honestly say he didn't do anything wrong. My A was a mixture of circumstances with a co-worker, bad judgement, selfishness, curiosity, boredom, low self-esteem about getting older, stupidity, and let me mention selfishness again. After this I truly appreciate what I have, how fortunate I am, and will never take it for granted again.
sadwithouthim Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 I think I will be forever addicted to him. Time might heal, but he'll always be in my heart. If the phone rang now and it was him (after nearly 50 days NC), I'd be telling him how much I love him and missed him.
bbarnt Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 When I was in the fog it felt like a forever-type addiction. Thankfully I had internal timelines/benchmarks that had yes/no outcomes and stuck with them. I never did let on to her I had them as it was for my well being. I kept emotions out of those decisions and kind of approached them with a third party attitude. As in, would the non-fog me put up with broken promises or being blown off. Or being expected to answer a text immediately but getting mine answered when she felt like it, if at all? The last benchmark was simple: ask her one last time to meet and if the answer is anything but yes/make a concrete plan then I cut it cold turkey. She waffled with no answer but plenty of excuses so I told her maybe next week and she said we'll see. Went cold turkey on my end. It was hard at first but I kept looking forward. Have ever seen the movie Secretariat? The last race shows the horse pulling away from the rest and leaving them in the dust-way behind. That is how I felt after 60 days or so. I didn't look back and charged ahead harder and harder. There is a sense of freedom that I could not have had otherwise. She still tries to contact occasionally though now I have no pull at all towards her. I feel for her like I do a telemarketer. This. There were moments when the idea of being without contact with her felt like the end of the world. But as time went by and things were not progressing a voice in my head started to ask what am I doing with my life. Eventually I came to the point when I asked her to meet and calmly asked what does she intend to do. By that time I was in mindset that any answer which is not "yes" means "no" for me. As in above case, she waffled with no answer, telling me she cannot provide me date when she will do it, she does not have strength etc. I just said that I have to move on and left. I believe that she did not take me seriously as she still plays mind games. But the main thing is that there has to come moment when you had enough and need to think about what do you have from this situation and what you want to do with your life. There are times when I miss her like hell, it is 40 days NC but I keep reminding myself how miserable I was in that affair, how I turned down two job offers to stay in same city and give her time to decide as well as many other things I did for us. It is not easy but it is something that you have to do for yourself.
Author affairaddict Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 I'm on 31 days. I don't know if I feel better or worse . Confused
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