lifestyle1 Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 BF said he would pick up the rest of his stuff and hasn't. When we moved in he bought the wash/dryer. said he was taking it with him. Offered to buy it, but no. So I went out and bought the exact same model to be delivered today. He never came Monday althoguh we talked twice and hasnt called today. He asked, "why did you do that"? what was this another threat that he said to upset me, but he wasnt going through with it? (I said in my head) next.... When we speak, it sounds like a make-up conversation. Talking about past hurts that led us here. What I told him was that time apart and a perspective would allow both of us to work through a forgiveness and see if there is opportunity to go forward. He mumbles about it's too late, you didnt think about what i wanted, when i told him to leave (it;s true i didnt say lets take a breather- i said i cant live like this) and now he's staying at his brothers and this was OUR home. I felt he gave me no choice. He refused counseling, never filed for divorce (4yrs) and became increasingly verbally abusive - even threatening to hit me and my son. He is classic VA saying I made him go to that level. I told him, you allowed yourself to go there, you're in denial, and very unhappy about something that is causing you to direct that pain at me!! vry critical, uncomplimentry, the house would frequently be filled with tension. The big day of the blowup was over something stupid. I worked late, he was to put the kids to bed, they wouldnt listen, wanted to wait for me. He asked me to stop at the store to pick up something. When I came home, he left his car in a way that I could not pull into the garage. Why? you know I can't get it. So I called on the cell, and stated, I cannot get into the garage. He said, "oh well" excuse me? is that kindness and consideration? or sarcasm and bitchiness? he said, why couldnt you just say, I cannot get in, can you move your car? I feel, why do I need to make the effor to re-phrase my sentence? you understood me. he was just being a jackass. I said "I DO NOT DESERVE THIS" and after a screaming upsetting match in fron of the kid's. said this isn't working. and he left 5 days later. I don't know why would I even consider speaking to him again. He apologized, but his ego would prevent him from saying I love you, I want you. He did say I gave up my life for you (he was married with kids, home etc) and he knows he will marry me some day. I explained that these events caused me to react coldly and distant towards him, because they were unresolved. I made boundaries- (no name calling, no threatening to leave, no charachter assination) he did it all. If this is how you treat someone you love how do you treat your enemies. I know he loves me. I also know that he comes from a VA childhood. I know he is not in touch with his emtions. I know he lacks empathy for me. aso what am i doing thinking aboout him? (its been 3 days) and he hasnt called today, nor I.
bluechocolate Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 I considered giving you my perspective but I'm rather unclear on a few things: - he refused to get a divorce for 4 years while he was with you? - whose children are you talking about? - he refused counselling when & for what? - you've been together how long? - you've been living together how long? - you've had this problem for how long? - the garage door incident happened 8 days ago? - he left 3 days ago? - and this happened after you made "boundaries"?
Author lifestyle1 Posted November 9, 2004 Author Posted November 9, 2004 Blue choclate- sorry. Left H for BF 4 years ago, moved my 3 kids into his apt. and 7 months ago we moved into a 4 bdrm home (rental). I divorced, he filed, signed and notarized but never completed the transaction (shall we say). When I left H for him, I moved in directly with him so we have been living together 3 years and I had been having an affair with him for 1 year. He knew ny ex- so he makes these hurtfull comments. The relationship was great for the first 2 years and then the realities of life came into play. Finances (i'm on time- he's past due) I have it - he needs to borrow and pay back (slowly) etc. He is very controlling by nature. He didnt raise my children and our cultures are different- so we had adjustments to make, But I chose him, and so I made the adjustments. Little things like, how to make a bed, double wash the white's, cooking. A pain in the ass but I did it. He became critical, and falut finding, and since I have always been introspective and in therapy I was aware of his controlling way's. I began to establish boundaries. When he would get upset he would threaten to leave. I would be devastated. There were trust issues. His MAN thinking, was to shake me up a bit to motivate me to change, he didnt really want to leave, he was just getting my attention. I told him "knock it off" it hurts to threaten, and w can resolve things by talking, not threatening. He continued to threaten to leave at least 3 or 4 times in a 4yr period. I warned him, if you continue to threaten me with this, one day I WILL BELEIVE YOU- and do it. Last Monday night was the garage door incident. I had enough. We were both tired, it was late, the kids were'nt listening to him and he was frustrated. I dont care, be an adult and don't say get the f*ck out of the house in front of my children. If you cant exersize self control. or respect my wishes on how to conduct yourself, Well I need to protect me and the kids.
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