Need Advice on How to Handle Persistent WAH.

[ShannonBanana]

I'm in a unique situation where my WAH husband said he wants a divorce 9 weeks ago, swore our marriage was over and that there was no hope, has moved out and made plans to move to France but he keeps contacting me.

 

I do not want the divorce and wish to work things out, but he has been clear it. is. over. and there is no going back. I asked him to reconsider, tried to reason with him and he declined. Seeing no other choice that preserved my self-respect I did the 180 shortly thereafter I wasn't perfect at it, but I did well.

 

Once he moved out only 3 weeks ago, I told him I need the time and space to heal and want to only communicate about finances and business.

 

But since then he consistently initiates contact, calls to 'chat', and has now asked to see me. In our interactions I always been civil and pleasant. No negative communications.

 

When we do communicate or chat he never brings up rebuilding our marriage or any kind of reconciliation and it's always abundantly clear that we are both heading in our separate and very different directions. Which is always sobering. This leaves me feeling bad that I went back on what I said I needed from the beginning - space and time to heal.

 

I want to 'go dark' as much as possible so I can come to terms with and face the emotional reality of what is happening. I find that when we have contact, I get false hopes of reconciliation which he never gives any indication of and it takes days for me to recover from. Not talking is very hard, but my intuition says I need to pull away.

 

As of today, I declined his request to see each other before we make our respective moves to different countries (5 weeks left until our moves) and it was very hard for me to draw that line in the sand. As I have said in other posts, I am empathetic towards what he is going through. But, I just didn't see how it was going to benefit me in the long or short-term.

 

He's wasn't too pleased about me declining, he seemed very sad at the thought we would never see each other again. I told him that this what a divorce is and never seeing each other is a very hard reality we are facing especially since we will be on two different continents.

 

He went quiet and had to go.

 

Any thoughts on what is going on or advice on how to be strong in this time where he is requesting to see each other before we go our separate ways? Anyone else have a similar experience?

Edited August 21, 2013 by ShannonBanana
Missed a word

[It-is-what-it-is.]

You are doing good, and your choice not to see him is the right one.

 

I went back and looked at your posts and see that the marriage was not great, but that the request for divorce came as a surprise?

 

I am afraid that often the dumper is not forced to deal with their feelings as the dumpee is so it actually takes them a bit longer to get over things. Strange but true.

 

Plus he does not seem to be emotionally mature either.

 

I think you are his woobie...does that reference make sense? Like a child's blanket?

 

Not sure what prefaced his need to divorce and move to FRance, especially since he isn't working....but he is having doubts about whether or not he can do it, but not doubts about the marriage.

 

You keep on. Just stop answering, if everything has been said and done, you should block him, so that you don't have hope or disappointment of contact.

 

Your responses were spot on.

[ShannonBanana]

Ahhh Thank you!

 

The divorce was a surprise although I knew we were having issues and we had discussed needing to address them as soon as my double jaw operation was complete and recovery was made. But, by that time it was too little/too late.

 

With regards to his plans for France, he works, he is transferring his job there. So, all that is all laid out for him. Lucky guy!

 

I do think you are correct about the emotional maturity. As hard as it is for me to really swallow, because ultimately that will be up to him to address and I just don't think he ever will ever see it.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

He may never. It's probably best to move on.

 

Hope you are feeling better.