DresdenKing Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 My girl suddenly left me hanging a week ago after about one year together, saying she needs time away/space etc. She said maybe a couple of weeks to a month. No reason was provided, but I presume it's because things had become too routine/boring for her and I stopped being a challenge (we both expressed our love for each other) so she's trying to see if she can 'reset the game' so to speak with time, but I digress; important thing to note is that it's been NC on both ends since then and I'm confident in my ability to keep it up. Her birthday is even coming up this Friday and I'm leaning towards not even texting/calling to wish her well (she wanted space, I should hold strong and give her that with no exceptions right?) My issue, though, is I have no idea how to respond if and when she does break NC and return. My dilemma is that if I just welcome her back with open arms after she's had her time away (plausibly doing god knows what with other guys) it allows her to have control over me and I'd be opening the door to let her come and go as she pleases in the future. If I don't, however, I know I'll risk losing her forever. And deep down I know I don't want that. I also know I don't want her as just a friend, which is the offer I'm expecting her to provide me with when she returns if she doesn't want to give it another shot. I'm guessing she'll feel too guilty leaving me cold turkey without getting some sort of validation and closure from me that we can still be friends. I don't want to give her that satisfaction though because I'M the one she felt she was entitled enough to suddenly take time away from. I never asked for this. How do I get things on my terms again? If she contacts me and says she misses me, or hopes I'm doing well, or apologizes and wants to come back in my arms, or just small talk, whatever it may be, what would be the best way to respond (if at all)? I'm torn because I don't see any reason to close the book on our love and special connection, but I also want to keep my pride as a man intact. What's my best approach? This is all under the assumption she will return after her time away, of course. If she doesn't then I'm fully aware there's nothing I can do about it and she's probably found someone else (if she hadn't already when she initially told me she needed time away).
Emilia Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 If anyone told me they wanted a break from me I would tell them to take as long as they wanted, in fact never bother to contact me again. It means the person has very little respect for you, assumes that you are at their beck and call and stick around for them. You are being taken for granted. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who wasn't able to work through problems or didn't have the guts to tell me it was over and after a year just went NC. It's not a relationship and to be honest it seems to me you are way too weak to have anything on 'your terms'. 2
alexjames88 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Taking a break is code for - We have been apart for a while so now it should be much easier to break up completely as we have all but done it already". Really you should be working things through as a couple not separately. I would say like everything in life there are exceptions to the rules. In this case though being bored with your partner and separating for a while is not the answer. Basically it is like she is saying "I am bored so wanna probably have flings or flirt and maybe screw with some new boys" then come back to the comfort and routine of a relationship. If you get bored in a relationship then the only healthy response is to talk to your partner and then agree on things to spice things up and play with the routine of things. That's it. Mark my words she will probably use this time to start getting over you. Whilst you are stuck in limbo believing her words that she is coming back. This means you will be hit with the train wreck of "breaking up" weeks or a month after she has already processed it and started dealing with it.
Author DresdenKing Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 You both just opened my eyes. I can see how she will use this time apart to start getting over me and replace me with someone new. My question then, is do I break NC and tell her point blank that we have to move on now and end it officially? Or do I continue to give her space and THEN tell her we're done when she eventually returns? I hate the feeling of not knowing where we stand and the uncertainty of whether or not we'll end up cutting ties. Makes it difficult for me to move on. Limbo is certainly an apt word in this situation.
crederer Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 It's not necessarily because she is looking for someone new. That is certainly a possibility. It could be she's having a tough time emotionally. It could mean a number of things, really. But the bottom line is whatever her reasons are, she wants to do it alone, without you. Someone asking for a break is just a chicken sh*t that couldn't break up proper. There is a possibility that it wasn't that she was doing anything disrespectful (i.e keeping you on the back burner) but it's important you carry forward as if this is what's happening for your own benefit.
bubbaganoosh Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 If she contacts you and wants to talk or restart your relationship, you can agree to meet but once you sit down with her, the first thing out of your mouth should be is that you left me hanging and left with no reason and I want to know why. Once you here the reason and you know her better than we do, you should be able to gauge whether or not if it's truthful or a line of BS. When she's talking, don't look at her from the neck down and start to miss what's under her clothes, look her in the eye and LISTEN to what she' saying. Half the time when you don't pay attention, you miss the key words and there is where the trouble starts. Then you could decide if she's being honest or handing you some flim flam excuse. Too many people make this mistake, including me.
Author DresdenKing Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Thanks for the advice guys. Sad though, it's making me realize there's probably nothing that could salvage this relationship because even if she does comes back and I find out why she left, then what? She either tries to stay friends so she can feel less guilty about what she did, OR try to start the relationship over? I don't see how I could take someone back who just treated me like they can come and go as they please because they know I want them more than they want me... it's degrading and unfair. The funny (or tragic) part of this all is that just mere days before she dropped the "time away" bomb on me she was telling me how I'm her soulmate, how lucky she feels to have found such a 'perfect' guy like me in her life and how she's never loved anyone as strongly as she loves me. I didn't know being her perfect match would lead to my detriment. And I have a feeling this hot-to-cold Jekyll and Hyde behaviour isn't an isolated incident, so it makes me wonder why people do this to others so often. Surely it can't be a calculated power play, right? If it is, it's pure evil.
Author DresdenKing Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) Yes, I know that's how it works... but it doesn't mean I don't think it's absurd. lol I'm supposed to resent my own good qualities and accomplishments in life and envy the flawed losers who aren't 'boring' because they appeal to women's maternal instincts or something? Great, never thought I'd feel at a disadvantage for not having a criminal record and being employed with a post-secondary education. I'm addicted to her love though, does that count as edgy and interesting? Rats, didn't think so... Don't get me wrong, I played the 'game' and was a challenge to her for a long while. I know she liked the chase, we all do. But I DO have a heart too ater all, and I eventually developed feelings for her. It's incredibly difficult to remain cold forever. Love is such an equilibrist's game. Edited August 21, 2013 by DresdenKing
Jbmouth91 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Taking a break is code for - We have been apart for a while so now it should be much easier to break up completely as we have all but done it already". Really you should be working things through as a couple not separately. I would say like everything in life there are exceptions to the rules. In this case though being bored with your partner and separating for a while is not the answer. Basically it is like she is saying "I am bored so wanna probably have flings or flirt and maybe screw with some new boys" then come back to the comfort and routine of a relationship. If you get bored in a relationship then the only healthy response is to talk to your partner and then agree on things to spice things up and play with the routine of things. That's it. Mark my words she will probably use this time to start getting over you. Whilst you are stuck in limbo believing her words that she is coming back. This means you will be hit with the train wreck of "breaking up" weeks or a month after she has already processed it and started dealing with it. This is so true
happydate Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 My girl suddenly left me hanging a week ago after about one year together, saying she needs time away/space etc. She said maybe a couple of weeks to a month. No reason was provided, but I presume it's because things had become too routine/boring for her and I stopped being a challenge (we both expressed our love for each other) so she's trying to see if she can 'reset the game' so to speak with time, but I digress; important thing to note is that it's been NC on both ends since then and I'm confident in my ability to keep it up. Her birthday is even coming up this Friday and I'm leaning towards not even texting/calling to wish her well (she wanted space, I should hold strong and give her that with no exceptions right?) My issue, though, is I have no idea how to respond if and when she does break NC and return. My dilemma is that if I just welcome her back with open arms after she's had her time away (plausibly doing god knows what with other guys) it allows her to have control over me and I'd be opening the door to let her come and go as she pleases in the future. If I don't, however, I know I'll risk losing her forever. And deep down I know I don't want that. I also know I don't want her as just a friend, which is the offer I'm expecting her to provide me with when she returns if she doesn't want to give it another shot. I'm guessing she'll feel too guilty leaving me cold turkey without getting some sort of validation and closure from me that we can still be friends. I don't want to give her that satisfaction though because I'M the one she felt she was entitled enough to suddenly take time away from. I never asked for this. How do I get things on my terms again? If she contacts me and says she misses me, or hopes I'm doing well, or apologizes and wants to come back in my arms, or just small talk, whatever it may be, what would be the best way to respond (if at all)? I'm torn because I don't see any reason to close the book on our love and special connection, but I also want to keep my pride as a man intact. What's my best approach? This is all under the assumption she will return after her time away, of course. If she doesn't then I'm fully aware there's nothing I can do about it and she's probably found someone else (if she hadn't already when she initially told me she needed time away). What do you have to bring to the table when you get back with her other than sex or the old boring stuff? Do you see the problem here? First of all, you should be able to be content, happy and be alone and love yourself after a breakup. You don't need a woman to be whole or happy or be loved. The problem with a relationship is that when it is steeped with games and the chase, it gets old. You can't be new all the time. Look, Apple Inc. tried to be a challenge and got people lining up for their iPhones and iPads. But they couldn't keep it for long and now they are only 13% market share. Even the best sales people can't hold mystery and challenge and the chase for long. How then you can best them? You just can't. A relationship is about you being able to provide love to someone because you can love yourself. When you don't have anything to bring to the table for her, it's difficult to maintain the interest once the honeymoon phase is over which it will. Then whatever didn't work last time will surface and you guys will truly be apart forever. Most relationships aren't meant to last forever and it's okay to be dumped. Besides, she's just not all that happy with you anyhow so she dumped you. What's the point of reminiscing past glories that she loved you and what not. She dumped you. People who love you don't dump you. 2
Jbmouth91 Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 People who love you don't dump you. This last senetence sums up everything you need to know. People kept telling me this and it helped me recover quickly and move on too by just repeating it over and over in my head.
Author DresdenKing Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 This has been very insightful, thanks. What I've learned: You know it's over when they feel more in love with their memories than with the person standing in front of them. Familiarity does indeed breed contempt.
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