The consequences of dating someone just because they were "nice"

[bob the brave]

You should rephrase your question as "The consequences of dating someone your not attracted to."

 

Think of a relationship as a car. The engine and body are the spark and physical appearance. The suspension is the structure that insures a safe, reliable and comfortable ride.

 

You can have a beautiful Ferrari Enzo with a powerful fast engine. The ride may be thrilling. But, it's tempormental, parts are expensive, rides like your butt is strapped to a 2-by-4, is unforgiving on rough roads and in a crash, will leave you broken.

 

Or you could get a Ford Taurus. Ugly as the desert is dry. Not fast, not sleek. But, it will get you reliably from point A to point B for many, many years with few issues. Parts are cheap. It will give you a safe and smooth ride on the roughest of roads and try it's best to protect you in a crash.

 

It is very rare to find a model that offers both. Most of us spend our lives searching for this ellusive beast ending up with a compromise like a Nissan Altima. to truly enjoy the ride for the long term, we need a litlle of both.

[Els]

This is why I'm suspicious of women who say looks don't matter.

 

Anyone who thinks that the 'spark' is solely about looks, is clearly doing things very, very wrong...

[xxoo]

Funny how you mention "Good enough"

 

There' was actually a feature on the TODAY show that spoke of a female author that settling for "Mr. Good Enough" isn't necessarily a bad thing.

 

And she directly points at women, because there's a video with all 4 women there talking about whether or not they regretted dumping the fiance' they "settled" for.

 

That they're too focused on what's not important in looking for a mate, than what is actually important.

 

Did you see how the women for the most part (including the relationship expert) don't agree with her? 3 of the 4 women do NOT regret choosing not to settle. They wouldn't be happy married to a man they didn't feel any spark with. It's worse than being alone, esp since they seem to be happy alone.

[GoodOnPaper]

Funny how you mention "Good enough"

 

There' was actually a feature on the TODAY show that spoke of a female author that settling for "Mr. Good Enough" isn't necessarily a bad thing.

 

And she directly points at women, because there's a video with all 4 women there talking about whether or not they regretted dumping the fiance' they "settled" for.

 

That they're too focused on what's not important in looking for a mate, than what is actually important.

 

In today's culture, it's all about experiencing the highs in relationships even if you have to go through a lot of lows. For those of us whose strong suit is avoiding the lows . . . we're dinosaurs.

 

That said, there could be some issue of what "sparks" mean to different women. My whole single life, I was always the "dull", "safe", "nice" guys who was rejected or dumped. Then all of a sudden with my wife, she's the one more into me -- I couldn't shake her off if I tried. However, there are some aspects of our relationship that are at learning-disability level compared to what I read on LS but she seems perfectly fine about it. So, even after 20-some years together, I just don't get the nature of female attraction.

[irc333]

Did you see how the women for the most part (including the relationship expert) don't agree with her? 3 of the 4 women do NOT regret choosing not to settle. They wouldn't be happy married to a man they didn't feel any spark with. It's worse than being alone, esp since they seem to be happy alone.

 

Yeah, I know, it's pretty sad that they don't agree with her, because they are so stubborn in their superficial way of thinking that they just don't see the forest through the trees.

 

I have known professional matchmakers to throw their arms up against some of their overly picky/shallow clients because they wouldn't settle on what they thought would be a good match for them.

 

One example was a professional matchmaker who had this highly picky client, it took her a while to find the "perfect match" for the client, however....she was aware that he client had a strict height requirement of 6 feet or taller.

 

Turns out the guy was only 5'10", but the professional matchmaker decided to give the client a call and call her in the office to show her his profile.

 

As soon as she saw her profile, she was like "Nope, won't do it!"

 

And the matchmaker leveled with her and said, "Listen, you should at least give this guy a shot even though he's a couple of inches short of what you want, try him out...see what he's like...no big deal"

 

The client stormed out of the office pretty much.

 

Some women are so sadly set in their ways, they will wait until they become an AARP card carrying member, and as they age even further, since the elderly start to look alike anyway, it won't matter anymore. lol

[bentleychic]

I think you can date someone that you are not initially attracted to/don't have chemistry with and the more that you get to know them, those things grow.

 

I think it happens way quicker than a year, though!

[xxoo]

You are confusing spark with a list of physical traits. The women in your example is not representative of women looking for true love.

 

These women want to feel something for they guy they are marrying, something besides affection and compatibility. They want to feel desire.

 

And they wouldn't be happy settling. So who are you to say they are too stubborn? Who are you, or the lady in the video, to say what would make them happy?

[irc333]

I think you can date someone that you are not initially attracted to/don't have chemistry with and the more that you get to know them, those things grow.

 

I think it happens way quicker than a year, though!

 

Don't you think there's just something a little "off" about someone not giving someone a FEW dates to see how it turns out as opposed to just cutting the guy off cold , esp after all that went on?

[KathyM]

My older sister almost married a guy she had no spark or attraction to, but because he was such a nice guy, she was prepared to marry him. They were engaged and planning their wedding. She then realized she needed that spark, and broke it off and broke his heart. Poor guy. He had so many wonderful features that made him such a quality guy, but if the spark isn't there, the relationship is not likely to last.

[bentleychic]

Don't you think there's just something a little "off" about someone not giving someone a FEW dates to see how it turns out as opposed to just cutting the guy off cold , esp after all that went on?

 

Not necessarily "off". Maybe she's felt that she's wasted enough time. She may very well miss out on "the one" due to this at some point, though.

[irc333]

Not necessarily "off". Maybe she's felt that she's wasted enough time. She may very well miss out on "the one" due to this at some point, though.

 

Yeah, chances are she's a serial dater. MOst people these days have this new phobia of the "fear of missing out". It's kind of like adult ADHD where people can't sit still one one place and have to buzz around like a bumble be.

 

I knew of some people that did this, this one woman , I know her in real life from the Meetup groups...(she is now on POF, doesn't surprise me, lol) haven't seen her much at the real life events lately though...guess she didn't see any "hot guys" in the groups.

 

Anyhow, she tends to be this way. There was a BBQ event where I went, I planned on staying there the whole time...and she's like "I gotta leave at 12 to go to a pool party on the other side of town"

 

ANd I said, "Huh? Why would you schedule to events in the same day and split them up between the two"

 

And she says, "I know, right! LOL...that's crazy!"

 

And that's pretty much it.

[xxoo]

Don't you think there's just something a little "off" about someone not giving someone a FEW dates to see how it turns out as opposed to just cutting the guy off cold , esp after all that went on?

 

Sounds like she was sure.

 

Haven't you ever felt sure that a woman wasn't the one for you?

[irc333]

Sounds like she was sure.

 

Haven't you ever felt sure that a woman wasn't the one for you?

 

She sure had no problem going out with me and kissing me good night AND agreed to go on a 2nd date with me again.

 

So that question is pretty much moot.

[xxoo]

She sure had no problem going out with me and kissing me good night AND agreed to go on a 2nd date with me again.

 

So that question is pretty much moot.

 

Often the kiss good night is the spark test. If it isn't there in the kiss, it isn't there.

[irc333]

Often the kiss good night is the spark test. If it isn't there in the kiss, it isn't there.

 

Seems you have an answer for everything. *shrug* Let's just agree to disagree.

[xxoo]

Seems you have an answer for everything. *shrug* Let's just agree to disagree.

 

I'm just trying to help you understand why women do what they do, since you post a lot of questions on that topic.

[MissBee]

There have been men whom I thought physically looked good but got to know them and lost all attraction because we didn't click and I didn't like their personality, attitude, etc. It has also happened where I didn't think much of a guy and got to hang out with him and we clicked and sparks flew and he became very attractive to me .I have been on casual dates with people I wasn't super physically attracted to hoping we'd hit it off...but they went nowhere. Bottom line for me is: If I can't imagine kissing you and don't have the urge to kiss you, we don't have a romantic future. Plain and simple for me. If we go out and I'm not thinking "Can't wait to kiss him" or "Wonder what his kisses are like" and am not anticipating that, we have no future.

 

Attraction comes in many forms for me...it's a mixture of lots of things, once I am attracted to you, my juices will flow for you lol. It's not like you need to look a certain kind of way, but attraction is me just being turned on by a man in all ways. I would never date, much less marry a man I'm not attracted to. It can't happen...I don't see how it would. But I am sure if some people prioritize say financial stability or other things, I can see how they would put attraction on the back burner. For me, attraction is basic and as I said, if after 1 or 2 dates I don't have an urge to kiss you or sleep with you and when I try to think of it I feel grossed out or I feel nothing, I won't pursue it further.

[JourneyLady]

Don't you think there's just something a little "off" about someone not giving someone a FEW dates to see how it turns out as opposed to just cutting the guy off cold , esp after all that went on?

 

I went on a date recently. At the end of it he went in for what I thought was a mild kiss and I got a tongue practically down my throat. He's a sweet guy and we're friends online... but no, no more dates. I be fearing that tongue the whole time!!! (I did explain, but in a nicer way later.)

 

Sometimes you just gotta say no.

 

That um... kiss... coupled with the fact that he doesn't know a whole lot about me, spells trouble.

[irc333]

My older sister almost married a guy she had no spark or attraction to, but because he was such a nice guy, she was prepared to marry him. They were engaged and planning their wedding. She then realized she needed that spark, and broke it off and broke his heart. Poor guy. He had so many wonderful features that made him such a quality guy, but if the spark isn't there, the relationship is not likely to last.

 

Such a selfish move on her part, all because there was no "spark", quite a foolish move.

 

Chances are she was just a spoiled brat.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I have cut guys off who I didn't feel a true connection or "spark" with. Great guys, really good men. A LOT of them too.

 

 

 

 

Funny, it worked out perfectly for me.

He is nowhere near to what I expected, but he is even better because our connection is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced.