The consequences of dating someone just because they were "nice"

August 21, 2013

Recently spoken with a female friend of mine that dated a guy for a year, but she had to end it because she really wasn't all that into him, but...he was totally "head over heels" in love with her.

She said he was very nice and respectful and everything a good boyfriend should be, but she just wasn't feeling it with him.

She said she has sometimes dated guys based on the fact that they were morally good, sweet, gentlemanly, etc....but there was just no "pizazz" in their relationship. SOme she wasn't really all that attracted to initially, but gave it a few dates anyhow to see if something could become of it, but only to end it after date 3 or 4, even THAT hurt a guys feelings because they would tell her, "But, how come you went on 3 or 4 dates with me then, I thought things were going well, and then you dump me?!"

She felt really bad because of that, and now if she doesn't "feel it" even on a first date..she'll pretty much end it there rather than "trying things out" for even 3 or 4 dates.

I mean after having been in a relationship with a man she wasn't all that into for a year, I could imagine how that could suffer serious impacts.

I even talked with a woman online , no kids, was currently separated....was married to a man for 10 years that she was never INITIALLY attracted to, and they divorced for THAT reason alone pretty much.

They were just together out of obligation, plus they ran a business together.

I was thinking "How do stomach kissing or having SEX with someone all this time and not being attracted to him?"

So there's the other side of the coin I suppose.

I wonder how many people have been in long term relationships with people they were never really attracted to in the first place, INLUDING marriage?

August 21, 2013

As a guy, I can date a woman that I am not particular physically attracted to...for me I'm a strange bird and can be attracted to a woman psychologically/emotionally...that for me can be very powerful, something more enticing than the physical.

Unfortunately I'm not like a lot of men who can just simply drown out their brain waves to pursue a woman based on her physical attributes alone, at least enough to get her into bed then mysteriously disappear in the night...I just can't sit there and pretend I'm into her, play along like I'm listening or genuinely care just to get to home base...if I'm turned off emotionally/psychologically then I can't power through it, I just can't stomach it.

Some of those guys engage in relationships if they think she's the hottest thing on the planet they can get, being a doormat for her and tries to win her affection but that's definitely not the kind of guy I've ever been either.

As for women, yes it's pretty common based on how a woman feels, whether she's going through a rebound phase or just particular lonely and depressed that she'll let a "nice guy" into her life that gives her the attention, love and helps remove the loneliness...how a woman feels about herself dictates a lot in what she will do and choose...in general someone in not the greatest emotional state or that is highly dependent on the opposite sex or just relationships in general to survive is not going to have the highest standards for getting into a relationship...especially knowing that they can grow some attachment and love for this man over time and really the security he gives her for the time being is enough to keep her involved and somewhat satiated for that time...but of course in the long-run that's going to fade.

A lot of people here think a lot of things happen in the name of "love"....especially younger peeps, but I hate to break it to a lot of people, but love doesn't always much to do with it....ask people what love is and how it's defined and it's a mixed array of answers and perspectives, and in the end it really comes down to establishing that "love" for a lot of people....some people fall early in that phase with strong intensity, while others need that slow sand-bag building bond that's constructed over time and the necessary trust is developed first.

I think mostly...people are just gravitating towards what they think they need at the time in their lives, and where they're at emotionally....honestly "what's love got to do with it". The majority of people are ultimately more scared to be alone than they are about finding the perfect person...If they can just find somebody that gives them enough of what they need...they'll "create" the rest. That's the idea anyway.

August 21, 2013

Lots of people get hurt and settle for nice. If you're not fully satisfied with your partner it certainly makes things difficult to remain happy in the long run.

I learned this lesson personally as I dated a really nice girl for a few months but didn't really feel that spark. I really wanted it to happen as she was very stable, secure, and we had fun together. But I had to end things before it got too serious as once I was sure the spark just wasn't going to happen, I couldn't honestly waste either of our time.

From that I realized that passion is either there or it isn't. And yes after that, on the first date if I didn't feel it or see it possible, I didn't go out on another date with them. Left a lot of sweet girls wanting more but I couldn't get their hopes up over something I couldn't see working. When I met my fiancee everything was there right away, and certainly hasn't faded.

August 21, 2013

It's her fault for dating someone she wasnt into in general. It doesn't matter if dude was nice or a serial killer

But in general, I really believe a big section of the female Population is going home to a man either

A. They're not attracted to at all(physically)

B. They know for a fact they can do better then

Edited August 21, 2013 by Revolver

August 21, 2013

It's her fault for dating someone she wasnt into in general. It doesn't matter if dude was nice or a serial killer

But in general, I really believe a big section of the female Population is going home to a man either

A. They're not attracted to at all(physically)
B. They know for a fact they can do better then

I'd gamble it's a large section of the entire population. Society throws so much of the "if you're single, you're not happy" marketing out that many end up in a relationship just to say they are in one.

August 21, 2013

I don't really believe in this "spark" thing. I know what people mean by it, I've had the feeling many times. But the truth is that feeling goes away fairly quickly in a long term relationship. So in the big picture, I don't think it's that important.

Obviously you need to be attracted to the person but if you go on 3 or 4 dates with the person, I'd imagine you were attracted enough to them.

August 21, 2013

Let this be a lesson to the "nice guys" who just want to be given a chance.

August 21, 2013

I have to be "into" someone to be happy, and dedicated. I have dated nice good looking guys where there is just no spark. If a guy is a bad kisser, or really lousy in bed, that ruins everything and I'm forced to move in despite how "nice" they are.

August 21, 2013

I was in a relationship for about 2 years with Skiman. I started dating him precisely because he *was* a nice, stable, genuine guy, and after a string of a-holes, I wanted to try something different. I found him attractive, but I wasn't ravenous attracted to him - ever - and our relationship was VERY DULL, in retrospect.

August 21, 2013

Most unattractive or blah looking people have to settle for nice over lust because of lack of very good looking options

August 21, 2013

SOme she wasn't really all that attracted to initially, but gave it a few dates anyhow to see if something could become of it, but only to end it after date 3 or 4, even THAT hurt a guys feelings because they would tell her, "But, how come you went on 3 or 4 dates with me then, I thought things were going well, and then you dump me?!"

The woman who recently broke up with you probably thought the same way as your friend.

August 21, 2013

I don't really believe in this "spark" thing. I know what people mean by it, I've had the feeling many times. But the truth is that feeling goes away fairly quickly in a long term relationship. So in the big picture, I don't think it's that important.

But it doesn't! The butterflies might go away after 6-18 months, but the spark doesn't need to. We've been together over 20 years, and I still feel the spark with him when I bury my nose in his neck, or he touches me just so...

Also, you will feel that spark for someone else eventually. You'll connect with someone you work with, or a neighbor, and it will drive you crazy if you never had it with your spouse. If you and you spouse have a history of butterflies, sparks, lust, etc, it is much easier to keep perspective on the situation.

I'd rather be alone, with good friends, than share my bed with a man I don't sexually desire. And sexual desire (for most women, anyway) requires spark--not just, "yeah, he's attractive." I can look at an attractive man and feel brotherly toward him....not good.

August 21, 2013

This is why I'm suspicious of women who say looks don't matter.

August 21, 2013

IME, the consequences have been greater appreciation for, and discernment of, the whole package which makes a healthy interpersonal romantic relationship vital, attractive and a productive force in one's life. Each experience is a lesson. We choose what we take away from our experiences.

August 21, 2013

Let this be a lesson to the "nice guys" who just want to be given a chance.

What lesson? When you are the one in the couple that's more attracted -- and we "nice guys" are used to that -- you hang on to the relationship as long as you can and then move on.

August 21, 2013

Are we talking attraction or purely physical attraction?

For me, I never date a man purely based on physical attraction. There has to be something there deeper to get me interested.

I can honestly say looks wise, I could probably do better, but as a whole, that man is everything I could ever want. Because of who he is, I think he is the sexiest man alive.

August 21, 2013

I wonder how many people have been in long term relationships with people they were never really attracted to in the first place, INLUDING marriage?

Probably very few where one partner is un-attracted. That's how attraction seems to be viewed in LS -- if you're not 100% slackjawed-drooling infatuated then you are grossed out. In real life, there is a lot of gray area. I wouldn't be surprised if there are a lot of couples where there is enough of an attraction imbalance that you could identify which partner chose the other. If you have few or no dating options, attraction imbalances are just something you have to deal with. I don't think it's possible to mutually feel "sparks" the way very attractive people can. So, you try to move forward in life with someone that you at least have some attraction for and like being with.

August 21, 2013

Recently spoken with a female friend of mine that dated a guy for a year, but she had to end it because she really wasn't all that into him, but...he was totally "head over heels" in love with her.

She said he was very nice and respectful and everything a good boyfriend should be, but she just wasn't feeling it with him.

She said she has sometimes dated guys based on the fact that they were morally good, sweet, gentlemanly, etc....but there was just no "pizazz" in their relationship. SOme she wasn't really all that attracted to initially, but gave it a few dates anyhow to see if something could become of it, but only to end it after date 3 or 4, even THAT hurt a guys feelings because they would tell her, "But, how come you went on 3 or 4 dates with me then, I thought things were going well, and then you dump me?!"

She felt really bad because of that, and now if she doesn't "feel it" even on a first date..she'll pretty much end it there rather than "trying things out" for even 3 or 4 dates.

I mean after having been in a relationship with a man she wasn't all that into for a year, I could imagine how that could suffer serious impacts.

I even talked with a woman online , no kids, was currently separated....was married to a man for 10 years that she was never INITIALLY attracted to, and they divorced for THAT reason alone pretty much.

They were just together out of obligation, plus they ran a business together.

I was thinking "How do stomach kissing or having SEX with someone all this time and not being attracted to him?"

So there's the other side of the coin I suppose.

I wonder how many people have been in long term relationships with people they were never really attracted to in the first place, INLUDING marriage?

She sounds like a glass-is-half-empty type. Those sorts of people are never ever happy, at least not for very long.

August 22, 2013

She sounds like a glass-is-half-empty type. Those sorts of people are never ever happy, at least not for very long.

Right, it seems now days that people are hardly easy to satisfied these days and keep looking forever to find "The one"

They get bored rather easily and kind of like when a kid gets tired of a new toy.

I think we should give kudoes to our previous generations that had been able to accept someone as they are back when people started getting married in the World War II days and earlier. Now people just hop from one person to the next and cannot seem to make up their mind about WHAT they want.

August 22, 2013

I don't really believe in this "spark" thing. I know what people mean by it, I've had the feeling many times. But the truth is that feeling goes away fairly quickly in a long term relationship. So in the big picture, I don't think it's that important.

Obviously you need to be attracted to the person but if you go on 3 or 4 dates with the person, I'd imagine you were attracted enough to them.

I've never been much into the "spark" thing either....until I THOUGHT I had a spark, usually this includes laughing it up, having a good time, also a woman GETTING me and my jokes more so than the dull women that I had to literally pull a conversation out of them.

Upon comparison, I could probably define that having things in common and "getting each other", helped that kind of "spark" if you can call it that.

August 22, 2013

Right, it seems now days that people are hardly easy to satisfied these days and keep looking forever to find "The one"

They get bored rather easily and kind of like when a kid gets tired of a new toy.

I think we should give kudoes to our previous generations that had been able to accept someone as they are back when people started getting married in the World War II days and earlier. Now people just hop from one person to the next and cannot seem to make up their mind about WHAT they want.

Speak for yourself.

Just because you are looking for "the one" doesn't mean that person is perfect.

Human beings are flawed, my advice to my friends who think the grass is greener on the other side, is the pure fact that what you love in who you have now, could be lacking in someone else. Same goes for those annoying or bad things, sure, you could rid yourself of a man who doesn't like to clean, for a man who hates to do laundry.

I have never heard of someone being in a long term relationship with NO attraction. The piece about settling though for someone nice who would make a good partner, even if you don't feel like they are the one? I could see that. Some people give up on "the one" and end up settling down with someone who they feel is as close as they can get. It doesn't always work, but sometimes it does. Why bother yourself with it though? If you don't plan on doing such things then you shouldn't really care. I don't care about what those people do, I wish them the best and hope they truly find happiness.

As for the statement about not knowing what you want? Yeah, of course those people jump from one person to the next. Good for them. That is like saying you should walk into a candy store and pick one chocolate and only eat that one chocolate for life.

Granted, I know what chocolate I like, that is only because I ventured to taste the many others and discovered the perfect one... the perfect one for ME. Some people though, they taste one, find it to be good enough, and decide that chocolate they can eat for life.

August 22, 2013

Funny how you mention "Good enough"

There' was actually a feature on the TODAY show that spoke of a female author that settling for "Mr. Good Enough" isn't necessarily a bad thing.

And she directly points at women, because there's a video with all 4 women there talking about whether or not they regretted dumping the fiance' they "settled" for.

That they're too focused on what's not important in looking for a mate, than what is actually important.

Speak for yourself.
Just because you are looking for "the one" doesn't mean that person is perfect.
Human beings are flawed, my advice to my friends who think the grass is greener on the other side, is the pure fact that what you love in who you have now, could be lacking in someone else. Same goes for those annoying or bad things, sure, you could rid yourself of a man who doesn't like to clean, for a man who hates to do laundry.

I have never heard of someone being in a long term relationship with NO attraction. The piece about settling though for someone nice who would make a good partner, even if you don't feel like they are the one? I could see that. Some people give up on "the one" and end up settling down with someone who they feel is as close as they can get. It doesn't always work, but sometimes it does. Why bother yourself with it though? If you don't plan on doing such things then you shouldn't really care. I don't care about what those people do, I wish them the best and hope they truly find happiness.

As for the statement about not knowing what you want? Yeah, of course those people jump from one person to the next. Good for them. That is like saying you should walk into a candy store and pick one chocolate and only eat that one chocolate for life.

Granted, I know what chocolate I like, that is only because I ventured to taste the many others and discovered the perfect one... the perfect one for ME. Some people though, they taste one, find it to be good enough, and decide that chocolate they can eat for life.

August 23, 2013

Ok, so what is the consequence of dating someone with whom you have a spark, a strong sexual attraction, but isn't 'nice'?

August 23, 2013

Ok, so what is the consequence of dating someone with whom you have a spark, a strong sexual attraction, but isn't 'nice'?

5 years of being taken advantage of, quite a few break-ups and ... ultimately moving on, that's what.

Not a total loss though. I discovered lots of things about myself that the next guy will benefit from.

August 23, 2013

I had dinner with one of my female friends on Friday. She has not dated in 6+ months, taking a break. She is very attractive and I see men checking her out.

She pointed out a man, really a boy, he looked 25, she found attractive. I saw him as "simple", kind of little, skinny, boyish looking (she is 45). She said "I love his smile and his facial hair" and then said "I go for a smile and really never look below the neck". That struck me as odd, so I questioned her a bit on her comment and she then said "Maybe I should pay more attention to what's below the neck". I just found her comment interesting....

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The consequences of dating someone just because they were "nice"

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