GettingOver Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I think you're right about the bargaining stage because I was thinking other crazy things today. I thought about asking my cousin to fly there with me (from OH to CA) to meet him and surprise him. We had never met in person. I know he has to be struggling with NC also. 4 1/2 years was a very long time to build on, and it's a huge loss. You had never met in person?????
GettingOver Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Is there any chance you can get a divorce and make yourself available???? 2
Calcmag Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 You had never met in person????? GettingOver, I don't think this is so shocking. In these times with the internet and mobile communications etc, many people find themselves caught up in online relationships. These can become very intense for various reasons. However, there's also a large element of fantasy about them too, which is rarely obvious at the time to the two participants. For them it's 'real' and carries the same emotions as an in person relationship does. In many ways the online part is as addictive as an affair. Combine the two and it's very hard to break contact.
Calcmag Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 That was part of the reason he initiated NC. He said he was a distraction to (or bandaid for) bigger problems in my life. We had gone back and forth about NC for years, and even did have NC (which was really LC) several times before. I can see him as available through my gmail account. I should block him, but I don't want him to see it as a "screw you" when I know he's probably struggling as much as I am. He was my BFF and more, and I wouldn't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. Thanks for your kindness, and thanks to everyone who answered. Did he ever ask to meet in person? I'm sorry I don't know your back story. I really feel for both of you, but as he's the one who asked for NC this time, I think you need to respect that. As for the gmail account, so can he also see that you're online too?
Calcmag Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 OP, Ive just gone back and read some of your earlier threads. Your feelings about your lack of confidence in leaving your marriage, they are exaclty where I was 10 years ago. I'm 10 years older than you, so I was the same age you are now when I was going through all this. Can you get some IC? I really think it would help rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. To me as an outsider, you need to get out of your marriage as your main priority. The way I see it, as much as you care for OM, he is what has been helping you to get through the pain of living in your marriage. Think about it. If you really love him, is that fair to him? He deserves a shot at being your all, not just a crutch. Or he deserves you to give him the opportunity to move on with someone else. Either way staying in contact with him is not helpful to him at all. 2
GettingOver Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) GettingOver, I don't think this is so shocking. In these times with the internet and mobile communications etc, many people find themselves caught up in online relationships. These can become very intense for various reasons. However, there's also a large element of fantasy about them too, which is rarely obvious at the time to the two participants. For them it's 'real' and carries the same emotions as an in person relationship does. In many ways the online part is as addictive as an affair. Combine the two and it's very hard to break contact. I would say it is more shocking that it's been 4,5 years and they have not met in person. I also had an LDR with my exMM, but we managed to meet in person on quite a regular basis (different countries). We met in real though. Anyway. What if he is not what she thinks he is or vise versa?... What if they are both obsessing about an illusion? How can one handle having that much love as they are saying they have and NEVER met in that long time? When I had a relationship with my exMM I would have sold my soul for a ticket, and I would risk my all to get to see him. I was missing him 24/7, LDR suck! Edited August 21, 2013 by GettingOver 1
Calcmag Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I would say it is more shocking that it's been 4,5 years and they have not met in person. I also had an LDR with my exMM, but we managed to meet in person on quite a regular basis (different countries). We met in real though. Anyway. What if he is not what she thinks he is or vise versa?... What if they are both obsessing about an illusion? How can one handle having that much love as they are saying they have and NEVER met in that long time? When I had a relationship with my exMM I would have sold my soul for a ticket, and I would risk my all to get to see him. I was missing him 24/7, LDR suck! Yes, I agree, it could all be an illusion. I'd want to know for sure who I was involved with. And I'd go nuts with the desperation of wanting to meet. So perhaps one reason they haven't met is that one or other is scared of revealing their true self? I dont know. I'd be interested to know why they didn't mean in person, was it OP's choice, or was it OM's.
Goodbye Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Please leave the guy alone. If you have any genuine feelings for him, you'd allow him to seek more than a dead end relationship with a married woman who thinks a pre-paid phone is a big offer. I know what it is like to be stuck in a controlling marriage. You aren't doing your H any favors staying. The sooner you leave that mess, the sooner you can recover your life. Speak with a therapist who specializes in divorce to strategize how to go about this safely, if you decide to leave and set your H free. If you decide to stay, be decent and set the OM free. I'm sorry, I'm speaking as a jaded OW...I hope your OM finds a nice single woman. 5
LimeBlue Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 if you decide to leave and set your H free. If you decide to stay, be decent and set the OM free. I have a question about this, and it has been bothering me for quite some time. This is by no means aimed at you Goodbye, but reading what you wrote has prompted me to do this post. I am asking this to everyone as I do honestly want to know the answer, if there actually is an answer. "Set your H free" seems to be a buzz phrase to me. I have had three people who are fairly close to me tell me to set my H free and leave him. As if I am the one who is staying to spite him or something? When I wanted to leave a few years ago, I did ask for a divorce and he knew about my A. In fact I was almost out the door in three separate occasions, and yet he fought tooth and nail to keep me. But **I** must set my H free? Well **** me I have tried in the past. Yet I feel I am the one who is the bitch because I won't leave and "set my H free". Sorry, rant over, but honestly, I beg the question, what in the world does "set your H free" mean when one has tried leaving and he is the one hanging on for dear life? How can you set someone free if they won't let you? 1
Goodbye Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I have a question about this, and it has been bothering me for quite some time. This is by no means aimed at you Goodbye, but reading what you wrote has prompted me to do this post. I am asking this to everyone as I do honestly want to know the answer, if there actually is an answer. "Set your H free" seems to be a buzz phrase to me. I have had three people who are fairly close to me tell me to set my H free and leave him. As if I am the one who is staying to spite him or something? When I wanted to leave a few years ago, I did ask for a divorce and he knew about my A. In fact I was almost out the door in three separate occasions, and yet he fought tooth and nail to keep me. But **I** must set my H free? Well **** me I have tried in the past. Yet I feel I am the one who is the bitch because I won't leave and "set my H free". Sorry, rant over, but honestly, I beg the question, what in the world does "set your H free" mean when one has tried leaving and he is the one hanging on for dear life? How can you set someone free if they won't let you? Are you cheating on your husband? Setting him free could mean being honest with him. Yes, I get it. My H didn't want to be "set free." I had to initiate a divorce and he wasn't happy about it, but I wasn't happy in my marriage and we both deserved better. He is "free" now and has found someone who loves him for him. Setting free doesn't necessarily mean that they are begging to go. But being dishonest is holding someone back. And sometimes the freedom doesn't feel like freedom initially. 4
hermione08 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I really don't get why you want to stay with your husband. Do you know they have invented a thing called divorce and that we are not in the middle ages anymore? I don't understand why people insist in staying in situations where they are miserable.
FordFocus Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 If you have ever seen breaking bad, you would know getting a 2nd cell phone is a terrible idea... 1
Goodbye Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 If you have ever seen breaking bad, you would know getting a 2nd cell phone is a terrible idea... I've never seen the show, could you elaborate?
Owl Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 OP...if your marriage is not repairable...then change your focus off of OM, and on ending your marriage. You don't want to be there? You can't forgive your H for his past actions, don't feel that he can change enough to create a good marriage? Then END IT. Focus on accomplishing that goal first and foremost...then maybe OM will be interested in meeting up with you. But what you're doing right now isn't working...so time change!
sweet_pea Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 If you truly love OM, respect his wish for NC. I'm sure you've read many threads here, but breaking NC (usually) does no good for the AP or MP. It stalls any progress being made in healing. Let him heal. 2
Calcmag Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Ok, 1 minute into that vid it's giving me a headache. Can anyone explain about the 2nd phone please?
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 Did he ever ask to meet in person? I'm sorry I don't know your back story. I really feel for both of you, but as he's the one who asked for NC this time, I think you need to respect that. As for the gmail account, so can he also see that you're online too? I log in as invisible, so he doesn't know I'm there. He could do the same thing, but I think he wanted to be seen. Yes, we talked a lot about meeting in person. He said he wouldn't want me to leave him to go home to H, and it would hurt him. He also asked if I would be able to face my children after a night with him. There were just too many questions and risks. It also feels undone because we never met. I thought about mailing him the money to come here. This sounds ridiculous to people who haven't been in the exact situation.
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 You have never seen this person. You may not like him when you see him. Unless, you are in love with how he makes you feel. In this regards his looks will not matter. I will never understand how some men and women do this. I need visual and palpation for a relationship. Do you know why you fall in love with the image of this man? I was feeling very neglected in my marriage. My husband was focusing all his energy on making us bankrupt by wanting every new thing under the sun. He also used p**n instead of having an intimate relationship with me. When I started talking to J, I told him I wanted us to be close friends. Soon, we were sharing so much of the deepest part of ourselves. I kind of brought him out of his shell in this way. He was more closed up than I was. We started exchanging I love you's and phone intimacy. There was an extremely deep emotional connection, unlike any I ever had, and definitely the opposite of what I had with my husband. I have idealized OM in my mind, I know this. I've seen pics of him, and he's truly gorgeous, but that matters little to me in the big picture. We just made each other feel absolutely amazing. It was all very mutual. I feel guilty that I never made myself fully available to him. I love him, even as a friend. We have a genuine love. I also know that if I did get a divorce, life wouldn't be perfect with OM. It would take work just like anything else. However, at age 42, I feel much better equipped at knowing how to make it good. My husband begs me to work on our marriage, but all there is are bad feelings, memories, and a lot of resentment. I told him "wouldn't it be better to move on to someone I don't have all the resentment for?". He thinks he can make everything right, but each day I just want my knight back. On the other hand, I never believed in divorce, and am torn that divorce is the right option.
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 (edited) Just the fact that I used the word "knight" could be a clue that I live in fantasyland...lol. He used to say we were a fantasy, and that we were each other's escape from reality. He's very intelligent. Edited August 22, 2013 by sadwithouthim
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 The logical side of my brain tells me we would have had problems together just like anyone else does.
LimeBlue Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 On the other hand, I never believed in divorce, and am torn that divorce is the right option. This is something you need to get past. Not believing in divorce is just another way of signing your entire life away to misery. How about believing in being happy? 6
BrokenPrincess Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 You have never seen this person. You may not like him when you see him. Unless, you are in love with how he makes you feel. In this regards his looks will not matter. I will never understand how some men and women do this. I need visual and palpation for a relationship. Yes, agreed...I need a visual as well! My xMM and I were long distance but we video chatted an hour a day, 5 days a week, in addition to texts, daily photos, and longer 2-3hr chats at night when we could swing it. We ALWAYS preferred video chat if possible, even if we were both just laying in bed, in pjs, no makeup, etc. It sounds like you only ever saw pictures of this guy?? Are you sure he is the hunk you think you've been talking to? Do not get a second phone, unless you want to get caught. Not only will you have the stress of keeping it hidden from our H, you need a charger, buy minutes, etc.
fanine Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 I have a question about this, and it has been bothering me for quite some time. This is by no means aimed at you Goodbye, but reading what you wrote has prompted me to do this post. I am asking this to everyone as I do honestly want to know the answer, if there actually is an answer. "Set your H free" seems to be a buzz phrase to me. I have had three people who are fairly close to me tell me to set my H free and leave him. As if I am the one who is staying to spite him or something? When I wanted to leave a few years ago, I did ask for a divorce and he knew about my A. In fact I was almost out the door in three separate occasions, and yet he fought tooth and nail to keep me. But **I** must set my H free? Well **** me I have tried in the past. Yet I feel I am the one who is the bitch because I won't leave and "set my H free". Sorry, rant over, but honestly, I beg the question, what in the world does "set your H free" mean when one has tried leaving and he is the one hanging on for dear life? How can you set someone free if they won't let you? When I left my husband I felt in a sense I set him free. I set him free to find someone who could love him properly. I did not have an affair or anything when I was with him. But after 9 years with him, 2 married I was unhappy. I tried to work on it with him but I knew in the end I had to go. I knew I was feeling tempted elsewhere. I did not want to get involved with anyone else. I did not want to hurt my husband by ever doing this. So I felt it was unfair on him to stay in a marriage which was not giving me what I needed. And by me feeling that way, he could not get what he really needed from a partner. I needed to set myself free from the relationship but also set him free even though he fought it tooth and nail to save it, as I knew he deserved better. I still cared very much for him, even though the marriage didn't work....
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