sadwithouthim Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) MW in NC with OM (not married) for 46 days now. It's driving me crazy, but I've done really well. Even in our last convo (46 days ago), I didn't beg him not to or anything. I did ask "are you sure?" and he said yes, and said our goodbyes. He wanted to let it go because our time had dwindled SO much, and I could only have phone conversations at work (because I didn't have cell phone that wasn't spied on by H). We could no longer have "private" conversations of any kind. Now that we are NC for so long, I'm thinking I should go buy a prepaid phone and keep it at work and be able to talk to him privately on downtime at work. I'm reading one of our last chats and wondering if he would want to reconnect if I got a phone. I'll copy some of the IM chat (this was when he was talking about NC and we were planning to do so)... Him: btw you dont ever have to worry about me Me: you're giving me that little butterfly feeling like sadness or longing i think Him: maybe its gas Me:lol Him:so I guess calling is out of the question lol sidenote: (this was because someone had come into work and I didn't have privacy at that point) Me:yes i don't want to officially say goodbye i can't tonight anyway though we can't even find time for goodbye well, should say i can't Him:yeah I was getting a little irate when you left (sidenote: I had gone for a drive on my lunch break) because granny went to bed 30 minutes later.. then I thought well if she only had a phone....... but its too late for all that you had years to get one Me:well, when you say years.....yeah i don't go anywhere by myself not in anywhere i'm lucky if i'll stop to get gas in my car alone tonight _____ went and pumped it for me must get over my helplessness (Sidenote: some of the reason for this is because I work 3rd shift and I'm afraid of being approached as I have been in the past by work, kind of a bad area of town) Him:exactly, you need "him" you dont "need" me So, what do you think? Would he want to reconnect if I got a phone? NC is painful enough to give me the courage to go and get one. I know I couldn't recontact unless I had one, but I still don't know if he'd want to. I just know I'm going to get grilled for asking this...lol. Edited August 21, 2013 by sadwithouthim
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 If I got a cell phone, we'd be back to the way we were when it was manageable, and we could nurture it. Yet, he still hates being 2nd, so I wonder if even a phone wouldn't be incentive for him at this point.
Calcmag Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Is OM single? If he is, I'd say you should let him go. Is it really possible to keep it manageable? Are you both still in love with one another? If so, it's not truly manageable because it will spiral again. Just some thoughts. It sounds to me as if you're in the bargaining stage of your grief about the break up - the point where we try to find any ways and means for it to not be over and will do whatever it takes to get it back again. Has OM stuck to NC too?
Calcmag Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 BTW, I saw that OM isn't married but when I asked if he's single, I mean is he in a relationship at all?
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Is OM single? If he is, I'd say you should let him go. Is it really possible to keep it manageable? Are you both still in love with one another? If so, it's not truly manageable because it will spiral again. Just some thoughts. It sounds to me as if you're in the bargaining stage of your grief about the break up - the point where we try to find any ways and means for it to not be over and will do whatever it takes to get it back again. Has OM stuck to NC too? Yes, we had done NC before several times before, but this one is at day 48ish longer than ever before. He is single, and yes we love each other very much. It just got unmanageable from my end because I'm married and had told my husband so he started lockdown on me. There was never love in the marriage. I know all WS say this, but true in my case. It seemed like every 6 months or so, OM would start talking about stopping this. I know he loves me, and I love him. I think you're right about the bargaining stage because I was thinking other crazy things today. I thought about asking my cousin to fly there with me (from OH to CA) to meet him and surprise him. We had never met in person. I know he has to be struggling with NC also. 4 1/2 years was a very long time to build on, and it's a huge loss.
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 As far as I know, he's not in a relationship at all. I am wondering if he was pursuing someone just before NC though. Regardless, I know NC is hard on him after all that we shared. I have no real basis for thinking he's seeing anyone.
LimeBlue Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 After reading this, your NC and getting a separate phone is the least of my worry for you - my concern is that you seem to be in a marriage where you are controlled to the nth degree? Are you? I would bulk and run if my H tried to control me to the extent where I never even drove anywhere alone. Is this perhaps why you have not left yet? Is this why you remain, because you would then HAVE to do EVERYTHING alone? I think you need to be honest with yourself here. I know NC and the phone thing was your question, but right now that seems irrelevant to the bigger picture. Instead of focusing on the new phone, perhaps give some real good thought into why your entire life has to be an open book to your H. I would run a mile to be honest, my phone, computer, email, and everything else that is MINE has NOTHING to do with my H and he knows it. And likewise, I apply the same to him. I just do not understand why you feel you cannot do anything alone, even drive somewhere??
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Yes, my husband was extremely controlling in the past. Everything was on his terms. He decided what money would be spent (usually not on me, but himself), what I would wear (sometimes) he cut up some clothes of mine that he didn't like, controlled my paycheck, etc. Since I told him of the EA, he promised to change, but started spying on everything. I'm kind of a prisoner in my home. He has made small changes and doesn't hyper control the money anymore, but so much has been done, and I remember the way he treated me in the past. I want my prince back, who I have NO rotten history with, only beautiful memories.
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) I think his controlling nature made me more passive and fearful. So, some of those are my own issues. It's not a fear of driving, it's more of feeling inferior to people or having a complex from not having confidence in myself. He exacerbated these issues in my personality. Edited August 21, 2013 by sadwithouthim
affairaddict Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I want I want.. That's the trouble you all want want want and can't have have have. It's all so selfish 3
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 I see that your pseudo-NC is working a treat... I know it's a big part of the problem that we aren't full NC. I've been thinking I should write him and tell him I'm going to go full NC.
affairaddict Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 No! Why would you write to him? Everybody has told you to leave him alone. But you cannot. I wish you'd post on the other board. It just reminds me how selfish And me me me MM and MW really are. Maybe that's good but hell it's like what is the point on people posting advice when you don't listen? 3
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 I feel I was selfish with him, but I never intended to be. I wanted to give him everything.
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 I don't think they're selfish in every case. Every story is different, just like every OM/OW.
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 This is mostly therapeutic for me. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't be in the OM/OW forum. I was never in his shoes.
whatatangledweb Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I think it would be very cruel of you and selfish to contact him again. You have strung him along for 4 1/2 years. You said he hated being second. You can't or won't give him more than that. So he lives half a life waiting for you. He deserves a full life just as you do. If you want him then leave your husband. If you are staying with your husband than leave your OM alone.If you really love him then let him go and get someone he can be with all the time. I know you are hurting and I am sorry for that. 2
GreySkyMorning Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I feel I was selfish with him, but I never intended to be. I wanted to give him everything. Leave him alone. Contacting him now with no change in your status would be the most selfish thing you could do. Let him heal and move on if you care about him. You're not making any changes in your life or your marriage, he'd still be second place, so let him go. I agree with affairaddict. I really wish you'd post on the other boars too, but you are a good reminder of how some mm/mw think. I'm at 8 days NC now with xmm. Its been hard as hell and I miss him like crazy. But if he contacted me now, he would be just like you. He's not changing anything so what's the point except to drag me back down? When you really have something to offer him besides crumbs, then contact him. Maybe it won't be too late. Probably though, it will. 1
LimeBlue Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 The issue here is far greater than NC with OM. Why do you allow your H to control your paycheck? You need to take back YOUR life and stop letting someone else control you and your life and your money and where you drive and where you shop and what clothes you wear. Once you have this under control, OM and NC will not be an issue anymore as that will naturally sort itself out. 2
maidai Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Leave him be. Nothing has changed since you were last in contact. You can not offer him more than you could offer before and if you love him deeply then the most loving thing you can do is free him to persue someone who can give him what he deserves. They say the best way through NC is taking time to do things for you. I think it sounds like you have alot to do for you. You need to work out whether your H is going to change and if he isnt then I think you need to think about how long you can stay in a situation where you sound to be almost completely controlled. You may find without the 4 1/2 year affair fog around you you want to escape from that situation and doing that with OM involved and mixing up your emotions would be your best bet. 1
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 I feel the OP is going to crack. Just a matter of time... Especially when right at this very moment, he's available for chat. Either he's chatting with someone else, or he's tempting me to IM him.
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 I'm not going to, because I will respect his wish for NC. I take most of the accountability for the entire EA. This is how I don't think I'm being selfish. It's been extremely painful for me, as it has for him.
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 I think he's likely struggling also. We should have just gone full NC. It just seemed so rushed. I think he was just angry at the time, and wanted it done.
Calcmag Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Especially when right at this very moment, he's available for chat. Either he's chatting with someone else, or he's tempting me to IM him. How do you know he's available for chat? If you're NC, you need to be fully NC. I know how hard it is. When I ended my affair I went full NC. My marriage was awful - although not as bad as yours sounds - so I ended it. Then I ended it with OM. NC is the only thing that will work for you, especially as yours is an EA. It's too easy for you to get your fix of him signing into FB chat or wherever it is you see him now. I really feel for you. But I agree with the others that it's your marriage that needs closer examination here. 1
Author sadwithouthim Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 That was part of the reason he initiated NC. He said he was a distraction to (or bandaid for) bigger problems in my life. We had gone back and forth about NC for years, and even did have NC (which was really LC) several times before. I can see him as available through my gmail account. I should block him, but I don't want him to see it as a "screw you" when I know he's probably struggling as much as I am. He was my BFF and more, and I wouldn't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. Thanks for your kindness, and thanks to everyone who answered.
GreySkyMorning Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I don't think they're selfish in every case. Every story is different, just like every OM/OW. Nope, all the cake eating ones are the same and thats what yours is. You don't want to give him up yet you won't give up the marriage either. My xmm got so furious with me at the end because I said all these relationships are the same. Then he proved it was true. Don't contact him please unless you have more to offer than a secret phone. Thats an insult after all this time. 5
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