WonderKid Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Just looking into the mirror reflecting on myself somedays. I realize all these things and KNOW that I have a problem--but still won't seek help. I am on here writing about it instead. For what? I don't know. I'm depressed. Many of you seen me on here before and liked my posts and such. Some remember me and some don't. The past months have been troubling for me. Dating has been horrible. I have tried dating IRL and as of late--my experiences has been woeful. I used to be improving on my social skills but now they are declining. Maybe it's my Autism? I have Autism. It is kicking my ass the older I get. Let's just be honest with myself. That's what the mirror is for. Loneliness? Yes. I cope with that everyday. Every night. My mom, sister, aunts all have men in their lives. And even though they are horrible BFs/Husbands, when its all said and done they still have eachother. I used to be able to go anywhere by myself with no problem. Now, I go out and see couples everywhere. I'm eating at restaurants myself. When I went to the movies to see The Internship, I still was there with a couple in front of me. The theater was empty with just me and that couple. I have tons of video games. Movies. Big screen TV. And just all by myself. No one else to talk with besides family really. But they have their own problems I guess. No physical or mental connections. Someone told me that as long as you have God in your life--you are not alone. But he's up there. And I'm down here. I'm human. And he isn't. And I have these days when I'm just totally down. Outta nowhere. I've been disrespected. Cheated on. Friendzoned (I don't know how many times), and lead on horribly. A kind and honorable person I am. But in the longrun I'm still a plan B. I get more jaded and cynical each year. I went to OLDing and that probably just made things worse. I actually got friendzoned before even meeting a woman! I clearly made in my post that I am into dating. She ask could we just be friends. I was stupid enough to accept it. But I was so pissed that I didn't care. I said to myself. If I had a car, bunch of money, she would...blah...blah..blah. But that isn't entirely true. With no stable job, no car, no good money. Dating should be the least of my problems huh? OLDing is becoming more difficult. I feel lost when I actually manage to get a reply from a woman. Instantly can tell if a person is remotely interested in me by how they reciprocate. I was recently talking with a woman. She gives me some short replies and barely contacts me. So I'm like screw it. Starting to think I'll be single forever. That sounds extremely negative now--but at one point was this post ever positive in the first place? This could be viewed as a whiny thread. Even though it may be true that at sometimes I'd like to cry like a skinny chick who grew 10 lbs over night, but I would not let anyone see it. Its funny because I actually had a GF. But I was not attracted to her. If I did anything different, I'd be lying to her, myself, and wasting her time. So I called it quits. But coming to women I am attracted to--it doesn't work. Maybe it ain't BK so you can't have it your way. It's life. "You'll find someone someday" "When you least expect it..." I've heard all the optimism. Sometimes optimism is just a pure denial of realism; of what's presented before you. This is stunning to me. Because I used to be such a positive person and now I'm really not. I'm very confused. Lost. And not happy all the time. When I do things I love it doesn't feel the same sometimes. All of this because I don't have a woman in my life yet. Its so silly. But...true. On the outside. I have a mask. I'll be sociable and cool. But in the inside I am totally ****ed up. I have my good days and bad days. But let's say I have had a few bad ones in a row. I have until November to find a new place to live. Predictably the next place will be more expensive. I'll have my sister and her bf with me again. I'll hear their dumbass arguments and her BF bitching about something again. But the world never revolves around just one person. Day by day I am taking things. Especially being single. It isn't the worst thing in the world. But it is a worse thing to me.
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