Need a lot of !.... she has me on a rollercoaster!

[guyonrollercoaster]

I will keep this short and just the facts (which is usually a disclaimer for what ends up a long post). I have searched google endlessly but my fiance and I have a complicated relationship that seems to go beyond google capabilities. Lol

 

We met one year ago. We are both divorced with children and in our mid 30's. The relationship was amazing and we both said we had never felt a love like this before.

 

She came from a 13 yr abusive marriage and suffered 4 miscarriages as well as the loss of a nephew at a very young age in a tragic death. The miscarriages and her nephew are the only subjects that ever bring a tear to her eye. Other than that, she is not open emotionally nor is.she the romantic/affectionate type.

 

For the first 6 months she shouted from the rooftops she wanted to marry me, have a child and family together, etc...

 

However, throughout the relationship she has broken up with me many times but came back within 24 hrs or less saying she is just "scared and confused" and panics/overreacts sometimes.

 

We was able to get pregnant very early despite her previous complications and the pregnancy is going very well.

 

However, since getting pregnant, she now says she doesnt want to marry at all. She cites many reasons... fear my ex will make our life hell, doesnt want her only daughter currently to.have to change her way of life by living with my two previous daughters, we are too different, etc... the list (excuses) go on and on.

 

Anytime something goes wrong or we have a disagreement... she throws in the towel and says "this will never work, we are over". But then she apologized the next day. Not to mention, right at this moment she is texting and tearing me a new hole because she stepped on a green bean one of my daughters dropped and i forgot to put the twisty tie back on the bread. But she hasnt thanked me at all for mopping, sweeping, doing the dishes and folding her laundry! She rarely ever notices when i do good. She only makes mention of when i mess up. What have i gotten myself into?! Is it just a woman thing?!

 

Anyway....We have cancelled 3 marriage dates so far. She says she feels forced into marriage because our divorce decrees prohibit us living together unless married. I already spent a lot of money to get us a family home as we was planning on marrying. Now we have to rotate in and out of.the home when we have custody of our respective children because of the decree. Life is hel right now!

 

But just a few days after she gets cold feet and cancels the marriage... she comes back crying saying she is just scared and we then plan a new date. Its one hell of a rollercoaster. I love her to death and want us to be a family together with our expected son. So i am being bery patient and understanding but im about to lose my mind.

 

I dont know if its pregnancy horomones, the affects of her long term abusive marriage or if she is bipolar. At this point im clueless.

 

She can only seem to focus on the negative. She doesnt understand how i could love her so much. She doesnt understand or believe im happy with her. And she only thinks our marriage will fail so "why bother". But then the next week she is completely different and very affectionate and hopeful. I just need some thoughts. Thank you in advance.

[todreaminblue]

Difficult situation to be in for you and for her.....have you thought possibly fo couples therapy and i think you need to have an open and honest talk about what you both want and stick to it....a plan for you both that you are both happy to stick to and follow through...you cant be on a roller coaster forever you are going to up chuck......you need to have stability for you and your kids ......and she needs to have stability before and after birth of your son isnt it?...

 

 

 

a set routine a plan and a bit of understanding on her behalf that kids often forget to put ties on bread and drop things....its kidsville 101....

 

 

pregnancy causes all sorts of emotional problems....fear for the future , fear of the birth and complications of birth...understanding and compassion on both sides can be a start ...you sound supportive and loving, help0ful adn kind....dont change and just try and be also honest how you feel ...because that is just as important as how she feels maybe some couples therapy might be beneficial for you both to do together...best wishes....deb

[guyonrollercoaster]

Thank you. Yes...trust me. Couples counseling has crossed my mind. Unfortunatlely, i dont think that idea would go over real well with her. At least at this point when she is so unpredictable and emotional.

 

I think she has a lot of insecurities and fears. She has become very accustomed to life with just her and her daughter. No sacrifices. No compromises. No one to answer to or be accoumtable to. She has admitted that she didnt fully see the consequences of getting pregnant and was very nearsighted and blurred with a new love. I only wish i had known the complete turn around she would take and i would have made differnet choices.

 

But you're right. All i can do is keep being supportive and loving and if she walks away then its her loss and i gave all i had.

 

Some may wonder why we got pregnant before marriage. Well it took her 10 yrs of fertility treatments to have her daughter. We only had a year and a half to get pregnant in before she would need a hysterectomy because of multiple female issues and that was getting pregnant without any fertility treatment. It was pretty much the odds stacked against us but if it happened we knew it would be a blessing if not miraculous. Well.... we got pregnant in less.tjan a month!

[guyonrollercoaster]

In all of her apologies to me she always says " im sorry... im just a crazy bitch". At first i took it as her trying to be funny. Im starting to wonder though if thats an accurate and scientific diagnosis! Lol

 

She has also said that used to be affectionate and empathetic but after a 13 yr abusive marriage, she has all this confusion and cold hearted selfish choices that she doesnt understand. I can understand that. Hopefully, after of some time and her seeing that i truly do.love her and am committed... she will start to come back to center.

[todreaminblue]

Thank you. Yes...trust me. Couples counseling has crossed my mind. Unfortunatlely, i dont think that idea would go over real well with her. At least at this point when she is so unpredictable and emotional.

 

I think she has a lot of insecurities and fears. She has become very accustomed to life with just her and her daughter. No sacrifices. No compromises. No one to answer to or be accoumtable to. She has admitted that she didnt fully see the consequences of getting pregnant and was very nearsighted and blurred with a new love. I only wish i had known the complete turn around she would take and i would have made differnet choices.

 

But you're right. All i can do is keep being supportive and loving and if she walks away then its her loss and i gave all i had.

 

Some may wonder why we got pregnant before marriage. Well it took her 10 yrs of fertility treatments to have her daughter. We only had a year and a half to get pregnant in before she would need a hysterectomy because of multiple female issues and that was getting pregnant without any fertility treatment. It was pretty much the odds stacked against us but if it happened we knew it would be a blessing if not miraculous. Well.... we got pregnant in less.tjan a month!

 

 

i am not judging you or (would i ever judge anyone), on why you didnt wait till you were married and if anyone does then that is their problem not yours...it is wonderful you want to marry i am sorry it keeps getting sidelined when you seem so keen to make it official......i hope that after the birth her emotions settle ......and i hope for happy years together for you and her and yoru children...i do think she needs some help with coping strategies and for her to be more stable...she does sound very insecure and uncertain.........its great you are supportive and loving its what she needs(she has to see it and that is something that therapy could help with)and i hope it all works out for you and your new family......best wishes....deb

[guyonrollercoaster]

I make more than she does, but not by much at all.

 

I wont lie, there has been times i wondered if i was tricked for child support. But she gives a lot to my daughters and me out of kindness that would go beyond someone with a selfish agenda (i hope).

 

And yeah... her past misfortunes are confirmed. No doubts there.

[Emilia]

Abusive relationship, miscarriages, massive trust issues. She needs therapy to get to the bottom of her trust issues and you need therapy for understanding why you are attracted to broken women. Classic codependent relationship. Good luck.

[guyonrollercoaster]

Thanks to those that replied. It helps to vent and just know im being heard.

 

I had a serious talk with her about us picking a marriage date and sticking to it. She was still undecided and then said "fine! **** it! Lets just get married." I said i would rather us say "i do" than "**** it".

 

So i told her to stop stressing about marriage. Lets not get married and i will help her to find her own place. She she seemed shocked, but agreed.

 

I have offered for her to stay in the home while pregnant, but she absolutley refuses saying i worked hard for the home and she wants me and my daughters to have it.

 

I wanted to remain hopeful, living from cancelled marriage date to the next hoping she would go through with one of them, but i cant live like this anymore and neither should she.

 

Im also hoping that by turning the tables maybe she will come to her senses. But i dont think thats going to happen until the baby is born.

[Betterthanthis13]

Thanks to those that replied. It helps to vent and just know im being heard.

 

I had a serious talk with her about us picking a marriage date and sticking to it. She was still undecided and then said "fine! **** it! Lets just get married." I said i would rather us say "i do" than "**** it".

 

So i told her to stop stressing about marriage. Lets not get married and i will help her to find her own place. She she seemed shocked, but agreed.

 

I have offered for her to stay in the home while pregnant, but she absolutley refuses saying i worked hard for the home and she wants me and my daughters to have it.

 

I wanted to remain hopeful, living from cancelled marriage date to the next hoping she would go through with one of them, but i cant live like this anymore and neither should she.

 

Im also hoping that by turning the tables maybe she will come to her senses. But i dont think thats going to happen until the baby is born.

 

I think you should stop asking her to set a date. Just stop 100%. dont bring up marriage for awhile.

 

She is having a difficult time with her own emotions, and that should be dealt with first and foremost. Ask yourself this- do you want her to marry you when she feels hesitant and pressured- or when she has no doubt in her mind?

 

Some people hate the idea of "therapy"- maybe she feels like going to couples counseling is scary. There are other options. Your best move here is to back off a little and be as supportive as you can with the pregnancy and focus on that for now.

 

Maybe buy a couple of books, or go get IC for yourself? If you are not opposed to therapy and she is- nothing says you can't go get it on your own. Your therapist might have some very good suggestions for you on how to handle the situation. Get some recommendations for a local therapist for yourself, or at the very least, read some books.

 

Lol I like what you said about google not being able to help. I laughed at that because I have felt the exact same way. Isn't goigle supposed to know everything???

[guyonrollercoaster]

Thanks! I will probably need some kind of help before this is through. She went off on me agaon this afternoon and said we was over "forever". She was upset because i didnt seem to have much to do with her at a recent family party. I was distant because just two days prior she had broken up with me (again) and i was trying to respect her space. I did give her a hug, kiss and said i loved her, but i guess she wanted me to act like nothing ever happened.

 

She is not the affectionate type, so i always have to walk a tightrope anyways between clingy and attentive. I know it sounds like a miserable relationship leaving many to wonder how i could be so in love, but overall we were very happy together and have so many good memoris. Its just since pregnancy that she has really been hateful. She even said herself "you are lucky.... i hated my ex during my last pregnancy. I only hate you half as much"

 

Anyhow, it sounds like today it finally over. She is talking about fighting me in court for our son and saying im a bad guy for kicking a pregnant woman out of a home to be homeless. Which our home is a whole other situation. Lord! Im gonna have to join the wine (whine) of the week club. Lol

[guyonrollercoaster]

Well... the last two days she has been texting me like when we first got together. I thought this was maybe a good sign.

 

She said our son was really starting to kick and it could be felt. I asked if I could come by and so i could feel him kick and she said no. Then she delivered the fatal blow and said "i dont know about a relationship right now and its best we dont see each other. What do you think?"

 

But now today, she is still texting me. Little funny things here and there, how are you's, etc....

 

Now naturally i know no contact and ignoring her is the best option, and if she wasnt pregnamt, i would be doing that! But i cant just completely ignore the mother of my child. So i.have been responding, but waiting a good 10-30 minutes before doing so each time and keeping it as few words as possible.

 

Any other advice?

[salparadise]

Abusive relationship, miscarriages, massive trust issues. She needs therapy to get to the bottom of her trust issues and you need therapy for understanding why you are attracted to broken women. Classic codependent relationship. Good luck.

 

^^^ Yass, this.

 

If it weren't for the fact that you have a baby on the way I'd just tell you to run like hell. You've ensured that your lives will always be entwined. All of this on-off, push-pull, up-down stuff is part and parcel of who she is, her brokenness. It's not going to change. The fact that you're drawn to it like a moth to a flame means that you're choosing to forever be her guyonrollercoaster. I think it's amazing that you keep pushing for the wedding. This thing she does where she threatens to throw in the towel every time there is a disagreement is a preview of what the future holds. If this is what you want your life to be just keep doing what you're doing. But if you think you might like to be happy and create a healthy environment for your daughters, pick up the phone and make an appointment with a good therapist and start figuring out what's really going on here. Time to open your eyes man.

[guyonrollercoaster]

Thank you. Im game for any advice and hearing all points of view on this.

 

I did stop pushing for the wedding. I did that some time ago. The last 3 dates have been of her own choosing.

 

I still want to give the marriage a chance though. For her and all of our children, especially our soon to be born.

 

Because of our divorce decrees we cant live together or even stay the night with each other unless married. So that means during the first couple of years of our son's life... my fiance will be struggling very hard on her own through the nights alone caring for him. I also want to experience those moments with my son and be able to help her as well. I dont want to lose out on being a part of that. The daughters we both share also love one another a lot and want to be together. So i am willing to do this. If it fails, then i know we at least tried for our son.

[guyonrollercoaster]

I know there are plenty of other guys like me that are probably going through the same thing I was when I posted this. And if they are like me, they want to hear the end of the story to give them some hope and advice.

 

Since my last post nearly a month ago, pregnant fiance and I hit absolute bottom. We... or at least I, was certain we were over without any chance to put the pieces together.

 

But we discovered that day just how much we love and support one another. That we make a great team. We talked that night and made love.

 

Ever since, this has possibly been the best we have ever been. Its like we are in love all over again. Disagreements now are quickly resolved and we are communicating better. We understand one another better and are seeing the big picture.

 

She, a very proud woman, had to finally admit her reasons for avoiding marriage. Namely fear of making herself vulnerable to be hurt and feeling she was being forced to cross state lines in a justice of the peace marriage simply because we are having a child. A planned child, but a child we did not foresee being so fortunate to succeed in so soon.

 

Once I removed the pressure of marriage and said "lets just enjoy the love and relationship we have always had, take our time and after he is born...we will have the nice wedding you always dreamed of" everything changed.

 

We are happier than ever. I look back and cant believe the person she used to be in terms of coldness and anger. The woman i first fell in love with has surfaced again going on a month now.

 

She is also entering her third trimester. So maybe her horomones have leveled out some. But I know they will take a dive again.

 

So my best advice to anyone else searching for help with something like this.... its no different than the advice you will find on any google search for "my pregnant girlfriend left me

..hates me... etc"... Remain supportive. Dont argue trivial matters. If she blows up and tears ypu a new one, just let it go. Give her a day or so and she will probably apologize and you can both put it behind you.

 

Use this difficult time to prove to her that you are the man that loves her and will care for her... for better or worse, in sickness and in health. LITERALLY.