How do you do it?

[SolG]

I'm a chump. I know I should leave, but every time I think I've reached that point where I can't take anymore... I capitulate and just can't bring myself to leave my MM. As corny as it may sound, I'm deeply head over heels in love with him. Have been for the last three years, and probably will be forever, come what may.

 

My specific question for you all is how do you do it? How do you share? I know by virtue of this being an A, is is of course not exclusive. However, there are little niches that I try to make, and keep, just 'ours'. But as time goes on, I find I have to share even some of these with his wife. It eats me up. Hurts like crazy.

 

A case in point, I nominated my MM for an award. He deserved it. For work that he and I share a passion for and I know his wife is not interested in. He won the award and he knows about my nominating him. He knows how very very much this means to me. How proud I am. It was supposed to be 'ours'.

 

His wife intercepted the his invitation to the award reception and insists on going with him. And he is unable to exclude her without raising too many questions. I was never going to be able to accompany him to the ceremony. However, the very thought of him sharing this with his wife and not me feels like the worst of betrayals. I know that's the kind of language that would probably draw ire from BSs. But that is what it feels like; betrayal.

 

We are both miserable about how this has turned out. And I feel sick. And so alone. Maybe this is the last straw. I wish I were that brave.

 

How do you all do it? How do cope with sharing the meaningful stuff that would be yours if you weren't the OW?

[MissBee]

It wasn't sustainable for me. I never found a way to be genuinely content sharing and was never a "happy OW."

 

There was nothing I could do to feel better permanently. I could distort my thinking and feelings about it temporarily, but it wasn't a permanent solution, and eventually some other thing would happen which would frustrate and upset me. It then became obvious that the problem was that it was an A - period. So the only way I'd feel better long term was if it wasn't.

 

I'll always have love for my former AP but no man is your last chance at love - fact. And I do not believe it is anyone's lot in life where the "one" for them is married and they just have to suck it up and have an affair and cope with it or else they will never find love elsewhere. If the one for you is married to someone else, it probably means you are wrongly considering them as such.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I get that it s¥cks, but the reality is, he's married. So excluding the wife from major events like this is enough to raise suspicion. She is expected to support him. That's what people who insist on imposing the facade that they are married do! Was there a single guy you could have nominated?

[whereamigoing]

How did I cope? I still have no idea!

 

I was content for a long time being the other woman. Even when our physical connection progressed to something deeper I was still okay with our arrangement. Yes there was the guilt but as far as the dynamic between us I was okay. But during the A we spent a lot of time together. Most nights and many weekends as they did not live any where near each other, so my situation is a bit different.

 

Life changes and a dday changed my perspective a bit and I became no longer content with how things were. During our A I coped with the life events we should have shared by doing my own thing and understanding it was part of the gig. I've always been very independent so this stuff didn't bother me much. When that stuff really started to bother me I knew I was no longer okay with my position in his life.

[veryhappy]

I didn't cope. I just couldn't, so I ended the affair as much as it hurt.

 

There are people who can find a balance being an AP, especially if their lives are so full that a R wouldn't fit in it at that time. If you found yourself unable to cope though, it's best to consider letting go.

 

And yes, it is betrayal, and the BS community doesn't need to get it or validate it for it to be so.

[findingnemo]

I'm a chump. I know I should leave, but every time I think I've reached that point where I can't take anymore... I capitulate and just can't bring myself to leave my MM. As corny as it may sound, I'm deeply head over heels in love with him. Have been for the last three years, and probably will be forever, come what may.

 

My specific question for you all is how do you do it? How do you share? I know by virtue of this being an A, is is of course not exclusive. However, there are little niches that I try to make, and keep, just 'ours'. But as time goes on, I find I have to share even some of these with his wife. It eats me up. Hurts like crazy.

 

A case in point, I nominated my MM for an award. He deserved it. For work that he and I share a passion for and I know his wife is not interested in. He won the award and he knows about my nominating him. He knows how very very much this means to me. How proud I am. It was supposed to be 'ours'.

 

His wife intercepted the his invitation to the award reception and insists on going with him. And he is unable to exclude her without raising too many questions. I was never going to be able to accompany him to the ceremony. However, the very thought of him sharing this with his wife and not me feels like the worst of betrayals. I know that's the kind of language that would probably draw ire from BSs. But that is what it feels like; betrayal.

 

We are both miserable about how this has turned out. And I feel sick. And so alone. Maybe this is the last straw. I wish I were that brave.

 

How do you all do it? How do cope with sharing the meaningful stuff that would be yours if you weren't the OW?

 

This is one of the things that made me realize time and time again how unsuitable I was as a OW. I hated sharing. As for coping, you at first feel really miserable and then the event comes and goes. Eventually you will stop thinking about it very much.

 

If you are anything like me, you will never forget that this happened. You may even begin to question the story that the W happened on the invite. It will become a source of resentment because you went out of your way to do something meaningful for MM.

[Calcmag]

I

 

A case in point, I nominated my MM for an award. He deserved it. For work that he and I share a passion for and I know his wife is not interested in. He won the award and he knows about my nominating him. He knows how very very much this means to me. How proud I am. It was supposed to be 'ours'.

 

His wife intercepted the his invitation to the award reception and insists on going with him. And he is unable to exclude her without raising too many questions. I was never going to be able to accompany him to the ceremony. However, the very thought of him sharing this with his wife and not me feels like the worst of betrayals. I know that's the kind of language that would probably draw ire from BSs. But that is what it feels like; betrayal.

 

 

 

That's all part of the deal when you're involved with a MP.

It's been many years since I was having an affair,but I remember very well the feelings when MOM and his wife shared things that I thought I should somehow be 'entitled' to share with him.

Unfortunately until they get the D and commit to us, we as AP's have no claim on their time, and to us it feels like betrayal. And it hurts.

All of the preceding posts make great valid points. Some of us just aren't cut out being the OW - even some OM aren't cut out for it either.

[Goodbye]

You know how betrayed you feel. It doesn't feel good. Is your MM planning on leaving his W or is this the "best" he has to offer?

 

If it is a dead end, the sooner you extract yourself, the sooner you can have your heart and life back. It isn't easy, but you can and will feel better eventually.

[hermione08]

You are miserable, he's not or he would leave his wife.

Yes, it's that simple.

 

So you have no way of coping with this, because the relationship is unbalanced.

You want 100% of him, he's content with giving you 50% (maybe).

[Feb]

We don't cope well and we don't share well, that's why we're all on this board.Mostly we cope alone without the support of our MM or any friends or family because of the secret nature of the affair.

 

 

A lot of us are out of the A, and trying to help others on this board as it's somewhat therapeutic (my case).

 

 

Some are still in the A, and not coping well ... they are addicted to the A and don't have the strength to get out, but they are miserable.

 

 

Some people think the path to happiness is to have their AP leave their BS, but the reality is for most of us, happiness is found within ourselves -- completely outside of the A.

[imfine]

You get angry. You tell yourself that his wife didn't "intercept" the invitation, he shared it with her because he wants her to be on his arm, not you because this is more likely what happened. You put on your big girl panties, cut all communication with him, and take the cake off the table because that is all you are to him. I don't mean to sound harsh, but these men p!$$ me off to no end and you deserve better. Do whatever it takes to get your mind off him until you can rationally process it. Go for a run, get a massage, take a yoga class, go dancing with the girls (take at easy on the alcohol), etc. Go to the doctor and get on medication if necessary. Tell yourself no more. Not another minute, not another day. No contact what so ever. He's living a fantastic life with a wife and a side piece while you are in aguish. Oh he'll tell you how hard it is for him but really? He's playing you for a fool. Deny the doosh anymore cake. Take your dignity and self respect back. It's gonna hurt like hell but everyday that you continue it hurts like hell. Put an end to it. Your mind, heart and body isn't for his entertainment. Close the bakery.

[Turtles]

His wife intercepted the his invitation to the award reception and insists on going with him. And he is unable to exclude her without raising too many questions. I was never going to be able to accompany him to the ceremony. However, the very thought of him sharing this with his wife and not me feels like the worst of betrayals. I know that's the kind of language that would probably draw ire from BSs. But that is what it feels like; betrayal.

 

I think it's pretty normal for the wife to want to share this moment with her husband. And I don't really believe she "intercepted" it, more likely he showed it to her because he was proud of it. Which is also pretty normal behavior between a husband and wife.

 

I hope rather than learning to cope with disappointment, you accept the fact that he is a disappointing man and not worthy of you. You're obviously investing so much more in this relationship than he is.

[MissBee]

Unfortunately, as long as you are the OW, there will never really be an "ours" for things like this. My fiance is a physics PhD student. He just got his Masters this summer and is now an official candidate. I have absolutely no passion or interest in physics. But every accomplishment that he makes in the field is "our" accomplishment. Because he and I are the unit, and although I have no interest in any of the STEM fields, tbh, I support him 110%. I am assuming your MM and his wife have a similar situation, as most married couples do.

 

I also do not believe she intercepted anything. He was probably proud he got the award (as he should be) and TOLD her. And of COURSE he's going to take her! She's his wife! This is mind numbingly obvious.

 

You can either maintain the status quo or you can push him to leave her. But as long as you remain the OW more then likely you are not the person he shall share these special public moments with.

 

Reminds me of the real vs. not real discussion...it's very hard to feel like your relationship is legitimate and important if every time something wonderful happens for your partner, you must secretly cheer them on from the sidelines while someone else gets to be side by side with them through it. Sharing with is very different from him telling you all about it, but you don't actually experience it with him.

 

For me, I got to a point where I realized, as much as I loved him and we "shared" everything...we didn't. We talked about everything, which was NOT the same as sharing it. I realized the A was built on talking about his life and my life but when it came down to living it, I was only living a shadow of a relationship. Once that realization set in, there was no amount of mental gymnastics and blindfolding that would allow me to continue to invest and be fine.

[HopingAgain]

Reminds me of the real vs. not real discussion...it's very hard to feel like your relationship is legitimate and important if every time something wonderful happens for your partner, you must secretly cheer them on from the sidelines while someone else gets to be side by side with them through it. Sharing with is very different from him telling you all about it, but you don't actually experience it with him.

 

For me, I got to a point where I realized, as much as I loved him and we "shared" everything...we didn't. We talked about everything, which was NOT the same as sharing it. I realized the A was built on talking about his life and my life but when it came down to living it, I was only living a shadow of a relationship. Once that realization set in, there was no amount of mental gymnastics and blindfolding that would allow me to continue to invest and be fine.

 

This needs to be put up on billboards in every major city! Well said. Talking about a life together and actually sharing one together makes ALL the difference in the world!

[ComingInHot]

SoIg wrote, "I'm a chump. I know I should leave, but every time I think I've reached that point where I can't take anymore... I capitulate and just can't bring myself to leave my MM. As corny as it may sound, I'm deeply head over heels in love with him. Have been for the last three years, and probably will be forever, come what may.

 

SoIg, it doesn't sound "corny" At ALL!! And you are No Chump. Please understand that Your heart is on the line in this A and 3 years is a loooong time. If you didn't love him after this amount of time and it was "easy" for you to walk away, I'd be More concerned*

Don't let anyone (even yourself) tell you that what you feel isn't real. And don't let anyone (including yourself) call you names!

 

My specific question for you all is how do you do it? How do you share? I know by virtue of this being an A, is is of course not exclusive. However, there are little niches that I try to make, and keep, just 'ours'. But as time goes on, I find I have to share even some of these with his wife. It eats me up. Hurts like crazy.

 

The above is difficult for me to comment on because honestly, I haven't been in your shoes on this. I am trying to relate thinking of sharing my bestest girlfriend or something but I don't think it comes close.

But I can relate in that I too do NOT like to share. Especially my Husband*

 

A case in point, I nominated my MM for an award. He deserved it. For work that he and I share a passion for and I know his wife is not interested in. He won the award and he knows about my nominating him. He knows how very very much this means to me. How proud I am. It was supposed to be 'ours'.

 

I think, as a Wife, I get the above. I can understand that the passion the MM has for his work might not be something His Wife is passionate about. What I think the case is (at least as I see it through my own eyes*), is that His Wife is Passionate about Him. She is excited about his achievement because she loves him and wants to share his successes with him and support him in that, just as I would.

I also am there for my H through his struggles and failures as well. I try to "be there" for him through everything.

I can totally see from my own line of thinking "through everything" how that would easily interfere with you wanting things that are just between the two of you.

His wife intercepted the his invitation to the award reception and insists on going with him. And he is unable to exclude her without raising too many questions. I was never going to be able to accompany him to the ceremony. However, the very thought of him sharing this with his wife and not me feels like the worst of betrayals. I know that's the kind of language that would probably draw ire from BSs. But that is what it feels like; betrayal.

 

I don't know if I agree with intercepted with regards to His Wife. It may be how MM spun it to you, possibly? When I think of Interception, I think of looking out for "something" that is trying to be snuck by me. I am "aware" and on the look-out in order to "intercept" something.

The only reason I address this is because in your next sentence you talk about MM being unable to exclude her for fear of suspicion about something (the A) going on.

As far as Betrayal... Heck ya it is a betrayal to You!! (and his wife)

He KNOWS you Love him and yet he is doing things that he KNOWS will hurt you.

My problem with this is that MM does these things under the guise of, "I can't help it baby, I don't want to hurt you, it's Not me but it's My Wife, she just Can't find out or..... insert whatever excuse/reason you want or have heard before here".

He IS betraying you. Your heart! Your Soul! The promises he has made!

I hate this guy For You!!!

 

We are both miserable about how this has turned out. And I feel sick. And so alone. Maybe this is the last straw. I wish I were that brave.

 

You ARE brave in my opinion! To hang onto this man for 3 years IS BRAVE!

I forget (or I haven't read it yet), Why the heck doesn't this guy Leave his Wife for you?!

I think I would have gone absolutely psychotic on my H, if I found out he had a 3 year A and didn't have the Balls to leave me until a D-Day when I would kick him hard enough he'd not be able to pop his tent for a month & THEN kick him out, no take backs!!

I think that's why I have compassion for the OW. I see my A as a Double betrayal as he betrayed me, His Wife, AND he betrayed exOW with all the bulldonkey lies he promised her with no intention of fulfilling.

 

How do you all do it? How do cope with sharing the meaningful stuff that would be yours if you weren't the OW?

 

I can't help you with this last part. I'm sorry

I CAN tell you that You Matter More than I think you know!!

It doesn't matter to me Who "wins" this MM in the end, what matters to me is that You understand that your posts cry heartache, loneliness, and a self worth that is not at its healthiest, and probably from this A.

((hugs))

CIH*

[ComingInHot]

lisalee wrote, "Unfortunately, as long as you are the OW, there will never really be an "ours" for things like this. My fiance is a physics PhD student. He just got his Masters this summer and is now an official candidate. I have absolutely no passion or interest in physics. But every accomplishment that he makes in the field is "our" accomplishment. Because he and I are the unit, and although I have no interest in any of the STEM fields, tbh, I support him 110%. I am assuming your MM and his wife have a similar situation, as most married couples do.

 

I also do not believe she intercepted anything. He was probably proud he got the award (as he should be) and TOLD her. And of COURSE he's going to take her! She's his wife! This is mind numbingly obvious. "

 

Wish I would have checked the board first before I posted my comments... you said what took me an entire page to say

But, ya... nicely said!!

[SolG]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me. I appreciate all your thoughts and feedback.

 

The life of an OW... It is hard to see how anyone could actively and consciously choose this life and all the heartache it entails. I think it's true as some of you have intimated; I am really not cut out for this role. But it is what it is. I may not have 'consciously' chosen it... But I have chosen it nonetheless.

 

MM and I talked through this issue extensively last night. He is now not going to go to the ceremony. I am both pleased, but also sad that he won't receive the award publicly. I don't know exactly how he is going to achieve this; he just asked me to have faith. And I will.

 

It is inevitable that this type of thing will occur again in the future. I feel better prepared for that eventuality.

 

I feel much better today overall. I think part of that is just coming here and writing about what I feel and being heard and responded to by you all. It makes a difference. I think I will do it more often. And try to respond to others as well to hopefully help them also feel heard.

 

I think I will start with sharing my story. Maybe tonight.

 

Thank you all once again xo