Daily Pain..

[mb1140]

So my wife and I have been together for 9 year now(5 of those being married). I'm 30 and she's is 27. We have a son who is almost 4 and a daughter who will turn 1 in September. We have never broken up, needed space, etc. We knew we loved each other and we both realized we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives(we didnt say it then), but have spoke of it in the past.

 

We had always talked about traveling before we had kids, but 7 months into our marriage we found out she was pregnant. We were both very happy, please don't get me wrong on that.

 

After our son was born we talked about the future, ie pros and cons of her staying at home and our child going to day care. She was promoting it to me, "the house will be clean", "I wont be stressed from work" etc. I told her that life isn't about money, that she needed to follow her dreams and if she could do it from home I support her decision 100%. So whatever we decided I will support it. 6 months after my son was born and she decided she wanted to stay home, issues started arising. She started getting really upset with me and the way I could not communicate. She comes from a strong family who talk everything out, while I grew up with the mentality of trying to avoid controversy at all cost and not express our feelings. So we went and saw a therapist, after 4 visits(seperate) we thought we had it under control.

 

We both were from the same town are parents lives less than 3 miles away from each other, but we lived an hour away. Fortunately we were able to say our home and move back to our hometown. Into a much bigger and nicer home, as I got a new job making more money.

 

So to get to the meat and potatoes of it, we had our daughter almost 1 year ago. She's still working from home and her business is starting to flourish.

 

So in the midst of the past 3 1/2 years of our son being born, we've had some pretty bad moments in regards to our arguments and how we control ourselves. A lot of mine came from not knowing how to control my emotions and a couple times being alcohol induced. I've never put a finger on her and I never would. I've punched doors a few times(not my proudest moment). I've said some mean things during these conversations, things I don't ever really mean. Now she's done the same to me, not as frequently but just to give you the whole picture. She's punched, slapped me, and put holes in the door etc. The main difference between us is, I forgive and forget easily. I realize that I cannot change the past, I can only continue to grow and change tomorrow. For her she harbors grudge and resintment. I told her in college she needs to learn how to get over things because it will ulitmately tear you apart internally. As I as and have always been her best friend, lover, etc.

 

I will say there was 1 time I lost control of my anger in front of the kids, I didnt curse but lost control of myself. This was lets say 6 months ago, then 4 months ago we go to a concert. I had a little to much moonshine and we had another bad argument. Next day I promise not to do it again and I can change. Two month later we go out with some friends all day, I pre-faced the day that I would be the sober one and for her to cut loose because she never gets to. Since she's at home with the kids all the time. So we do, we get home and have sex. Then I Now let me say this for myself, so you dont think I'm a low life SOB. I've always helped clean the house, do the dishes, even got home to cook dinner, taken care of everything on the exterior of the house, bathed the kids and put them to sleep, and let her twin sister move into my house(18 months she lived with us) as she was going through her divorce. Which she lived here when our 2nd one was born. to cuddle, and that's when the needle broke. We had another argument I punched the Refridgerator and call her a name I knew I shouldn't have. And she said she was "done".

 

It killed me! For the first week or so, I did exactly what you shouldnt do in regards to giving her space like she asked. I was a fool, crying and telling her I could change etc. Then we went and met with pastor who gave me a book. The Love Dare(We were both also reading "The Five Love Languages" as well) and set up a date for us to watch the movie Fireproof on a friday night. The book in itself honestly changed my whole perception on love and how you should love your partner. Yes it sounds cheezy, but it really opened up my mind to a love I had never thought about. At the same time it also helped point out how selfish I've been over these past 3 years, and loving her in the wrong love language.

 

Now let me say this for myself, so you dont think I'm a low life SOB. I've always helped clean the house, do the dishes, even got home to cook dinner, taken care of everything on the exterior of the house, bathed the kids and put them to sleep, and let her twin sister move into my house(18 months she lived with us) as she was going through her divorce. Which she lived here when our 2nd one was born.

 

We are now in the 10th week of all this and she's been like a roller coaster. I've learned alot about myself internally and mainly spiritually. I've truly understood where her pains are coming from and why. I've made changes and made sure that I am able to be open and honest. To communicate to the best of my ability no matter what. I've even went to see another therapist to help me with my anger, which by reading some books on not letting you emotions control you life etc have been very helpful. I'll admit my communicating age was of a kindergardener before this has happened with her. Theres to much to type if it doesnt make sense and I'm sure it won't, but the main things here in play for me are that she's told me she Loves Me and wants it all to work out. Then the next day she'll tell me "Im done"! Then the next couple days she's right back at the point of i love you and I wont this to work out, etc.. I'm in and out of the house, i let her make that choice. We even had sex in between this cluster two weeks ago, as we slept in the same bed several nights. Then she goes back to I'm sleeping in the guest room. I'm just so freaking confused any help would be appreciated, I've gotten to the point where I've prepared myself for the worst. I've whole heartedly accepted the responsilbity of my actions and asked for forgiveness and understand how I've messed up, but I'm now at the point of what am I doing here? She doesnt care, I dont think? Depends on the day~!

[2sunny]

I'm sorry it's been volatile for you.

 

Can you not drink anymore? It seems to make anger bigger and out of control.

 

Has your wife ever asked you to stop drinking?

[mb1140]

Yes, I've already told her I will never touch a drop of alcohol again. I've followed through with that. I've followed through on all the promises that I couldnt keep when we first got married. As far as me being able to just come back to her office while shes working and talk to her. Now I am and she told me tonight "I don't know what is wrong with me, I've been begging for this for years and now it's hear and I just dont care"? Pardon the grammar, but I've been taking a verbal beating for the past 10 weeks, which in part I deserve, but nobody deserves to hear their partner in life tell them consistently that they hate coming home, I'm done, etc.

 

I've been the best father since the day my son was born and I know my wife would agree. I know I've made prior mistakes, but after almost 5 years of marriage I sincerely understand were I made mistakes and I'm having a hard time understanding how you just turn it off?

 

I just lost my job last tuesday, fortunately I was being courted by a competitor and being offered more money so fingers crossed that works out, but I've been a f*cking mess since this has all started, I've dug deeper in my soul for MYSELF and found something that I honestly didn't think existed. I've found God and letting him give me the strentgh to pull me through.

[Misadventure]

MB, not to go all religious but in those dark shadows and when I thought I couldn't make it, two things helped...strength and encouragement from here, and asking God for strength. It IS still very hard...but you are not alone..we are not alone.