miss_jaclynrae Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Not to mention, having that talk should be FUN! We always had a blast with these discussions. Maybe we are just different, but even 10 months in, I know we are 100% on the same page about so many things, from raising children, to lifestyle choices, to our dream home.
Author abby_tx Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Not to mention, having that talk should be FUN! We always had a blast with these discussions. Maybe we are just different, but even 10 months in, I know we are 100% on the same page about so many things, from raising children, to lifestyle choices, to our dream home. How old were you when you started dating? He he's barely 30.
miss_jaclynrae Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 How old were you when you started dating? He he's barely 30. I am 23, he is 32. He was 31 and I was 22 when we met.
thefooloftheyear Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) The only thing is that many people are disingenuous about life decisions. Theyll easily "change the story" whenever they feel it suits them or their agenda...Guy wants sex? Just tell her whatever she wants to hear..Woman is emotionally needy, or needs someone as a fill in til someone better comes along? Sure, tell him whatever he wants to hear.. Some of these life altering, deal breaking scenarios(house, kids, money, living arrangements, etc) dont normally have to be cashed in on until WAY later in the relationship, so whats to stop someone from telling someone what they want to hear, even if its not what they really want? No one is putting a hand on a Bible and standing in front of a judge.. People change as well...Ask ANYONE who is 40+ if they are the same person now that they were when they were 25..You will probably get a vast majority say they are a completely different person in many ways.. Not to be cynical..I agree its a good idea to talk about it and hope for the best, but dont be surprised to find out that you got sold a bill of goods or just that the person had a change of heart and there was no bad intention behind it.. TFY Edited August 21, 2013 by thefooloftheyear 2
miss_jaclynrae Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 The only thing is that many people are disingenuous about life decisions. Theyll easily "change the story" whenever they feel it suits them or their agenda...Guy wants sex? Just tell her whatever she wants to hear..Woman is emotionally needy, or needs someone as a fill in til someone better comes along? Sure, tell him whatever he wants to hear.. Some of these life altering, deal breaking scenarios(house, kids, money, living arrangements, etc) dont normally have to be cashed in on until WAY later in the relationship, so whats to stop someone from telling someone what they want to hear, even if its not what they really want? No one is putting a hand on a Bible and standing in front of a judge.. People change as well...Ask ANYONE who is 40+ if they are the same person now that they were when they were 25..You will probably get a vast majority say they are a completely different person in many ways.. Not to be cynical..I agree its a good idea to talk about it and hope for the best, but dont be surprised to find out that you got sold a bill of goods or just that the person had a change of heart and there was no bad intention behind it.. TFY All you can do is hope for the best. I still think topics as such should be broached earlier rather than later depending what you yourself are looking for. When I wasn't seriously dating, it didn't matter, so I never asked, but since I decided I wanted something long term... it definitely mattered. 1
TheGuard13 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I disagree completely. How hard is it to talk about what you are looking for? Within the first week of dating I knew so much about my man already. Within the first month I knew whether he wanted kids, how many, where he wanted to settle down. I would never wait 3 months in to discuss such things, because some of those things are definite deal breakers, and if you aren't adult enough to be up front and clear about what you want, you aren't the man for me. I want a grown up, someone who has SOME idea as to what they are looking for... why? Because I know what I am looking for. I don't think that's so much what's being discussed here. There's a world of difference between discussing what one is looking for and compatabilities, and saying "Can you see yourself marrying me?" at three months in. At least that's my understanding of the OP's questions.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 It's one thing to discuss it in generalities, it's another thing to put the person on the spot that early in a relationship. 1
Author abby_tx Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 I don't think that's so much what's being discussed here. There's a world of difference between discussing what one is looking for and compatabilities, and saying "Can you see yourself marrying me?" at three months in. At least that's my understanding of the OP's questions. I was going to say, "That's not what I want!" But I guess part of me would like to know where I stand and if he can see himself with me long term. But I guess that's something I can't approach, so I at least want to know where he stands on marriage and kids.
Author abby_tx Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 It's one thing to discuss it in generalities, it's another thing to put the person on the spot that early in a relationship. But what is considering putting them on the spot? Should I not ask how he feels about me? He shows it, but never says anything. Am I not allowed to ask how he feels about me?
miss_jaclynrae Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 But what is considering putting them on the spot? Should I not ask how he feels about me? He shows it, but never says anything. Am I not allowed to ask how he feels about me? Are you guys exclusive? My mister and I have a monthly "how are things going?" talk. Sounds weird, it is pointless now since we are crazy about eachother, but early on it was great to see how we were feeling towards one another. We both welcome open talks though, as two people looking for something long term, we felt it was important to remain honest and open with one another. If he was starting to see something in me that he wasn't a fan of, our monthly talk was our chance to bring it up and resolve it. We did that from the get go, and I really think it could be good for you two if you are exclusive. Being how far apart you guys are, I could also see how that could put a kink in things. I see no harm at 3 months to lay it out and say "so how do you think we are doing so far?" I dated a guy once, waited months for him to clarify what we were and where we were going. I felt like I couldn't ask those things because we weren't exclusive. Now that I look back, that right there should have been a red flag, the fact that I felt like I couldn't broach the subject in general. As you can guess, things didn't work out. Turns out he wasn't looking for anything [he also happened to have a girlfriend, but still] and there was a reason he never talked about it.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 But what is considering putting them on the spot? Should I not ask how he feels about me? He shows it, but never says anything. Am I not allowed to ask how he feels about me? Yeah, just avoid the m-word. It's fine to wonder where things stand currently and share feelings, but don't interrogate him on marriage and stuff like that.
Author abby_tx Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 Are you guys exclusive? My mister and I have a monthly "how are things going?" talk. Sounds weird, it is pointless now since we are crazy about eachother, but early on it was great to see how we were feeling towards one another. We both welcome open talks though, as two people looking for something long term, we felt it was important to remain honest and open with one another. If he was starting to see something in me that he wasn't a fan of, our monthly talk was our chance to bring it up and resolve it. We did that from the get go, and I really think it could be good for you two if you are exclusive. Being how far apart you guys are, I could also see how that could put a kink in things. I see no harm at 3 months to lay it out and say "so how do you think we are doing so far?" I dated a guy once, waited months for him to clarify what we were and where we were going. I felt like I couldn't ask those things because we weren't exclusive. Now that I look back, that right there should have been a red flag, the fact that I felt like I couldn't broach the subject in general. As you can guess, things didn't work out. Turns out he wasn't looking for anything [he also happened to have a girlfriend, but still] and there was a reason he never talked about it. We are definitely exclusive. It was actually him who asked me about two weeks after meeting each other. I was surprised by quickly he asked, but it definitely felt right. Since then, we have had maybe one serious talk which was me babbling and he just listened. Which I actually give him credit for listening and being a good sport about because it was early on. We haven't had a talk since, but he did say next time we see eachother in person I could ask him anything I wanted and share my concerns.
Author abby_tx Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 Yeah, just avoid the m-word. It's fine to wonder where things stand currently and share feelings, but don't interrogate him on marriage and stuff like that. Sorry for sounding dense, but do you mean marrying ME or is marrying off limits totally? Like I should even ask what he wants in the future (with anyone)?
BluEyeL Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Sorry for sounding dense, but do you mean marrying ME or is marrying off limits totally? Like I should even ask what he wants in the future (with anyone)? He will know it's about you even if you ask it as a general question. I mean, he's dating you. It's been three months. He never had a LTR. I think it's too early IMHO. Wait up to 6 months.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 Sorry for sounding dense, but do you mean marrying ME or is marrying off limits totally? Like I should even ask what he wants in the future (with anyone)? Don't ask him about marrying you. Maybe some light talk about what he thinks about marriage or kids. If you have married friends or married kids, maybe use them as a lead-in to a general conversation. He'll pick up on what you are doing but he's more likely to participate if he doesn't feel like he's being questioned by police.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 He will know it's about you even if you ask it as a general question. I mean, he's dating you. It's been three months. He never had a LTR. I think it's too early IMHO. Wait up to 6 months. Yeah, I really don't get the point of pressuring him. It seems like things are going well, he obviously likes you. I think the OP is overthinking big time. 1
Author abby_tx Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 Don't ask him about marrying you. Maybe some light talk about what he thinks about marriage or kids. If you have married friends or married kids, maybe use them as a lead-in to a general conversation. He'll pick up on what you are doing but he's more likely to participate if he doesn't feel like he's being questioned by police. It's interesting because he actually brought up kids a couple times last time i saw him because a friend is pregnant. I don't know if that was his way of asking me how I feel. But I didn't think about it until after the fact and the only thing I said was, "How do they pay for babysitters?" I wonder if he has any idea how I feel on marriage/kids and was trying to see if I'd chime in.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 It's interesting because he actually brought up kids a couple times last time i saw him because a friend is pregnant. I don't know if that was his way of asking me how I feel. But I didn't think about it until after the fact and the only thing I said was, "How do they pay for babysitters?" I wonder if he has any idea how I feel on marriage/kids and was trying to see if I'd chime in. Doubt it. We usually don't tell stories to "test" women.
Author abby_tx Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 Yeah, I really don't get the point of pressuring him. It seems like things are going well, he obviously likes you. I think the OP is overthinking big time. I can't count the number of times people have said I overthink.
Author abby_tx Posted August 22, 2013 Author Posted August 22, 2013 Doubt it. We usually don't tell stories to "test" women. Ah, well nevermind! That's how a lady friend told me to bring up kids so I wondered if he had been given the same advice. ha
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