When to have the "Where is this going?" chat

August 21, 2013

It really is hard to wait. To have these feelings, suddenly feel so optimistic about a possible future with him, and act like everything is regular and fun with him is hard! I am super happy and want to tell him I think he's great.

Oh you can tell him that he's great. Men love to know that they make us happy and how awesome we think they are. If he does something for you, how about you gush for a bit and let him know how much you appreciate his kindness, helpfulness, sweetness, etc. He'll know that you like him without you pouring your heart out in the beginning.

August 21, 2013

The last time we "almost" had a serious talk, it was me blabbing and he had nothing to say. This was early on in the relationship and me being dumb. But last week I had some things that I wanted to talk to him about and he said the next time we saw each other, I could ask him anything and he'd try to answer it the best he could.

That's exciting! Be very gentle.

August 21, 2013

Give it a few more months.

If he is not SURE he is crazy about you and in love with you by month 6, there I no chance of it happening after that.

There is still a chance he is falling in love with you.

I can see you're falling in love with him.

I would want a guy to know within the first few months. And leading up to it, I want him to tell me he is definitely falling in love with me.

August 21, 2013

Personally, I think the greatest, strongest kind of " in love" you can feel for another person, is something that starts early on.

Case in point; it took 5 to 6 months for my ex to tell me he loved me and 7 months to feel 100% sure about it and say it often.

We are no longer together. God love him (we are great friend).

Look, this is just MY opinion based on what I have heard and seen among the couples that are truly in love: you tend to know very early on if you're falling in love and if you just want to be with them overwhelmingly!

The fact it took my ex and I about 7 months to start talking about how much we hoped we would have a future together? Tells me we never had the raw ingredients to fall " in love"...

...IF we did, I think he would have had that overwhelming urge to want to be with me very early on, and then fallen in love with me after 2 - 4 months.

Slow building love, in my opinion, is not always true love; and it is just familiarity and shared history with someone you have romantic feelings for. Not being IN love with them.

I am holding out for a person where we both have a very strong desire to want to be together early on, and fall in love fast.

It makes me so happy to read this because I fully agree with it. My friends make fun of me for thinking so! I didn't actually know this kind of love COULD exist honestly. I was with my boyfriend over 5 years and always was annoyed by romantic comedies or stories like, "You just know!" I thought people were full of **** because it didn't work that way for me and the guy I thought I WOULD marry. Then I met this guy and I knew within the first couple dates I didn't want to be with anyone else.

But yeah... when to admit this if at all.

August 21, 2013

That's exciting! Be very gentle.

Yeah, the fact that he said he would answer any questions makes me want to be even nicer to him. haha. No guy has ever agreed to that!

August 21, 2013

Well, most seem to think at least 6 months. I'll try to hold out til then.

August 21, 2013

Any guy that goes exclusive does it with the intentions of getting perminately exclusive (i.e marriage). If he didn't want that he wouldnt be exclusive with you. Slow er down, would be my advice.

And some guys (like me) don't believe in marriage but believe in exclusivity. He may be one of those, but in the end, what's the difference?

August 21, 2013

Pump the brakes. Three months is half a baseball season. Relax and just have fun with it and see how it progresses on its own.

August 21, 2013

Any guy that goes exclusive does it with the intentions of getting perminately exclusive (i.e marriage). If he didn't want that he wouldnt be exclusive with you.

You're assuming all guys have multiple options and that's simply not true. I can't tell you how many guys that have married the first girl that gave them the time of day...

August 21, 2013

Pump the brakes. Three months is half a baseball season. Relax and just have fun with it and see how it progresses on its own.

I disagree. What's wrong with having the talk as soon as it starts repeatedly coming to mind? Any guy (or girl) who gets weirded out by the talk isn't that into you. Most people know after 3 months if they would ever consider marrying someone. If people had this talk sooner, you'd have a lot fewer crap marriages where people settle because something "better" never came along. 9 times out of 10, when someone says "I'm not ready to settle down yet", they mean "not ready to settle down WITH YOU". If the right person came along, they'd accelerate their timetable.

All that said, these comments only apply to people who eventually want to marry. Some people will freak if you have the talk after 3 months because they NEVER want to marry. Again, isn't it better to find that out sooner rather than later.

August 21, 2013

I always ask early on what someone is looking for. It is an easy question, no true pressure, just sorta like a "So what are you looking for right now?".

Pretty simple.

I usually ask around the 3rd date, if that ever happens.

With the mister I asked on our third.

He said he was looking for the real deal, and was ready to find someone to spend his life with.

It was the exact answer I was looking for, but I have received other answers too.

It is nice to know early, because you can both clear the air on what the two of you are wanting.

I really have never understood why people are so afraid to ask. It really is an easy thing to talk about. I never would expect a guy to tell me what my man told me to automatically mean with me.

If you can't discuss something so simple, then you aren't mature enough for me anyways.

August 21, 2013

I also think you should ask now. Not "Do you see yourself marrying me one day?" but something along the lines of "What are you looking for in a relationship" or "Do you see yourself getting married and having children within the next 3-5 years?"

You know? Don't ask him directly if he wants those things with you, but find out if those are things he is looking for in general. If he doesn't want to get married ever, or have children, and that's a deal breaker for you, then I think it is best you find out sooner than later.

And once you know he is looking for the same as you, maybe give it a few more months and then find out if he can see YOU filling that position in his life.

Good luck!

August 21, 2013

I disagree. What's wrong with having the talk as soon as it starts repeatedly coming to mind? Any guy (or girl) who gets weirded out by the talk isn't that into you. Most people know after 3 months if they would ever consider marrying someone. If people had this talk sooner, you'd have a lot fewer crap marriages where people settle because something "better" never came along. 9 times out of 10, when someone says "I'm not ready to settle down yet", they mean "not ready to settle down WITH YOU". If the right person came along, they'd accelerate their timetable.

All that said, these comments only apply to people who eventually want to marry. Some people will freak if you have the talk after 3 months because they NEVER want to marry. Again, isn't it better to find that out sooner rather than later.

Yeah, I don't agree with this at all. In 3-6 more months, maybe, but why even introduce something that heavy in a relationship that's in its honeymoon stages? It's not like they've been dating 3 years. Even if I had feelings that a girl would be special, this conversation at this stage of the relationship would freak me the fu*k out. And I don't think I'm the only one.

I'm not saying wait several years. But three months is a drop in the bucket and way too early for such a talk.

August 21, 2013

I also think you should ask now. Not "Do you see yourself marrying me one day?" but something along the lines of "What are you looking for in a relationship" or "Do you see yourself getting married and having children within the next 3-5 years?"

You know? Don't ask him directly if he wants those things with you, but find out if those are things he is looking for in general. If he doesn't want to get married ever, or have children, and that's a deal breaker for you, then I think it is best you find out sooner than later.

And once you know he is looking for the same as you, maybe give it a few more months and then find out if he can see YOU filling that position in his life.

Good luck!

This is a much better approach.

August 21, 2013

I agree with Simon and Cry, I'm not one to follow dating "rules" so my advice is that if you want to talk to him about your feelings now, just do it. If you want to talk about marriage that's ok, though I personally recommend using the "how do you feel about us/do you see us as long term" approach. I don't agree with those who says that people know they're in love in the early stages of a relationship, for some of us it takes time because some of us has had previous experiences that makes us have our guards on, but that doesn't mean we won't fall in love. With my ex I had the talk after I knew we both felt the same (around month 8) and had the same feelings, I told him I loved him and he was like "oh, yeah, me too" (I think we both assumed we loved eaxh other and thats why we didn't had the talk until then). I would also recommend looking for signs that he wants a commited and lasting relationship with you: he talks about future dates, he introduces you to friends and family, he talks about "we" and "us" and he includes you in his future plans.

Just to add, there's always the risk that he doesn't want to be in a commited relationship with you now or maybe ever, but the risk of rejection shouldn't stop you from asking him and it will be bettter because you won't waste your time with someone who isn't as commited to you as you're with him.

Edited August 21, 2013 by Menina

August 21, 2013

I think in month three, I wouldn't say the word marriage, in any context. What I would look for at this stage would be the girlfriend title, which you arleady have and maybe the L word. After 6 months at the earliest with the marriage thing, even in general terms.

August 21, 2013

Yeah, I don't agree with this at all. In 3-6 more months, maybe, but why even introduce something that heavy in a relationship that's in its honeymoon stages? It's not like they've been dating 3 years. Even if I had feelings that a girl would be special, this conversation at this stage of the relationship would freak me the fu*k out. And I don't think I'm the only one.

I'm not saying wait several years. But three months is a drop in the bucket and way too early for such a talk.

So what you're saying is "Please don't be honest with me. I'd rather you feel insecure about our relationship and my feelings towards you, than for you to make me feel uncomfortable." That's really sad when I think about it - especially because I know many feel the same way as you do. The foundation of any relationship is trust, and if you can't be honest with someone, how can there be any trust? I'm not saying everyone should have this talk in three months, but if its on her mind, why can't she bring it up? The lack of emotional intimacy created by not allowing her to express her feelings, regardless of what they are, is why there are so many f***ked up marriages and relationships out there. Without exception, every breakup or divorce where someone felt the relationship was dead for years, and that describes most, was because many things were unsaid between them in the early stages and that never really changed...

August 21, 2013

Yeah, that's the annoying thing about new relationships. You start to feel these amazing feelings for someone and can't even share them because you're told it will scare the guy. I feel like I'm a smart and independent person and not looking to latch on to any guy. I know it would be unwise to want to move in now or get married, but it sucks that I worry that even saying I care about him is "wrong."

Another thing is I feel like talking about what we want in the future (where we want to live, if we want marriage, kids, etc) is harder to bring up than saying you are falling for him. It makes the relationship feel like a business plan. But I am 30 now and scared to waste another several years with a guy who didn't want the same things as me. Dilemmas! Ugh. I have no idea what to say to him now or when. But I do like him enough that it's not worth it to spill the beans on everything and lose him because it happened too soon.

FYI his longest relationship wasn't even 6 months. Where as mine was several years. That makes me think I can't put pressure on him.

August 21, 2013

I think it's more along the lines that you simply don't know someone that well in three months.

You may know them well, but well enough to know if they'd make a good marital partner? Ehhh.

August 21, 2013

So what you're saying is "Please don't be honest with me. I'd rather you feel insecure about our relationship and my feelings towards you, than for you to make me feel uncomfortable." That's really sad when I think about it - especially because I know many feel the same way as you do. The foundation of any relationship is trust, and if you can't be honest with someone, how can there be any trust? I'm not saying everyone should have this talk in three months, but if its on her mind, why can't she bring it up? The lack of emotional intimacy created by not allowing her to express her feelings, regardless of what they are, is why there are so many f***ked up marriages and relationships out there. Without exception, every breakup or divorce where someone felt the relationship was dead for years, and that describes most, was because many things were unsaid between them in the early stages and that never really changed...

You are putting the cart way before the horse. It's three months in. Not going there three months in doesn't mean anything as far as an eventual divorce. I'm sorry, I just don't agree with you at all. It has nothing to do with trust and everything to do with settling down, getting to know a person and not skipping steps. Patience is a virtue.

August 21, 2013

Yeah, that's the annoying thing about new relationships. You start to feel these amazing feelings for someone and can't even share them because you're told it will scare the guy. I feel like I'm a smart and independent person and not looking to latch on to any guy. I know it would be unwise to want to move in now or get married, but it sucks that I worry that even saying I care about him is "wrong."

Another thing is I feel like talking about what we want in the future (where we want to live, if we want marriage, kids, etc) is harder to bring up than saying you are falling for him. It makes the relationship feel like a business plan. But I am 30 now and scared to waste another several years with a guy who didn't want the same things as me. Dilemmas! Ugh. I have no idea what to say to him now or when. But I do like him enough that it's not worth it to spill the beans on everything and lose him because it happened too soon.

FYI his longest relationship wasn't even 6 months. Where as mine was several years. That makes me think I can't put pressure on him.

Several years? You are three months in! That's not three years in. Relax and settle down and just get to know this guy more. You are scratching the surface. You can tell him you care for him without giving him the fifth degree on marriage. The poster who said discuss marriage and future goals without making it specifically about you and him had the best idea. If you really need to talk about this, just say "Do you see yourself getting married in the future?" or "What are your thoughts on having kids down the road?" But this is the time of the relationship where you are building the foundation. Adding the master bedroom on the third floor to cap off the house is a great idea, but if you don't build the foundation, it's just going to collapse. Plus, bringing past insecurity into a relationship isn't going to make your case for marriage that compelling.

Have fun, don't overthink. Who knows, maybe he'll surprise you and bring it up soon.

August 21, 2013

Several years? You are three months in! That's not three years in. Relax and settle down and just get to know this guy more. You are scratching the surface. You can tell him you care for him without giving him the fifth degree on marriage. The poster who said discuss marriage and future goals without making it specifically about you and him had the best idea. If you really need to talk about this, just say "Do you see yourself getting married in the future?" or "What are your thoughts on having kids down the road?" But this is the time of the relationship where you are building the foundation. Adding the master bedroom on the third floor to cap off the house is a great idea, but if you don't build the foundation, it's just going to collapse. Plus, bringing past insecurity into a relationship isn't going to make your case for marriage that compelling.

Have fun, don't overthink. Who knows, maybe he'll surprise you and bring it up soon.

Well, I'm visiting him this weekend, so maybe I'll try to find some casual way of bringing the future up. Not the future of us. Just if he wants marriage or kids. We live 40 miles from eachother, so it sorta makes me think the relationship at 3 months has to mean something more to make it worth the driving and going a few days without seeing one another. Because if we just wanted to date someone to have fun, we should settle for someone in our own towns.

August 21, 2013

I think it's more along the lines that you simply don't know someone that well in three months.

You may know them well, but well enough to know if they'd make a good marital partner? Ehhh.

You are putting the cart way before the horse. It's three months in. Not going there three months in doesn't mean anything as far as an eventual divorce. I'm sorry, I just don't agree with you at all. It has nothing to do with trust and everything to do with settling down, getting to know a person and not skipping steps. Patience is a virtue.

I disagree completely. How hard is it to talk about what you are looking for?

Within the first week of dating I knew so much about my man already. Within the first month I knew whether he wanted kids, how many, where he wanted to settle down.

I would never wait 3 months in to discuss such things, because some of those things are definite deal breakers, and if you aren't adult enough to be up front and clear about what you want, you aren't the man for me. I want a grown up, someone who has SOME idea as to what they are looking for... why? Because I know what I am looking for.

With the right person, discussing these things should NEVER be an issue.

Skipping steps? She isn't suggesting they get married right then? Getting to know what someone is looking for and what they want out of life is part of the process of getting to know someone.

It isn't as if I was hounding him, it was something we both enjoyed discussing, part of that process of getting to know one another. It is a huge reason why our relationship has been so amazing, we were on the same page about things from the get go, so major issues wouldn't be issues. It isn't as if I was telling him that I want kids at this point, and that point, and was making demands. But to tell eachother, marriage is something I am looking for, kids would be great after graduating, owning this type of house in this type of area would be awesome... makes things go so much smoother. If you are afraid to talk about these things, then maybe you aren't with the right person. The right person will also want to talk about them. Then, if you both end up working out, it is already clear as to what the other wants, and you don't have to wait 6 months and realize they don't want to get married until they are 40, or don't want to have kids at all.

It is a great way of not only not wasting time, but also not getting attached to someone who ultimately things won't work out with in the long run.

August 21, 2013

Yeah, that's the annoying thing about new relationships. You start to feel these amazing feelings for someone and can't even share them because you're told it will scare the guy. I feel like I'm a smart and independent person and not looking to latch on to any guy. I know it would be unwise to want to move in now or get married, but it sucks that I worry that even saying I care about him is "wrong."

Another thing is I feel like talking about what we want in the future (where we want to live, if we want marriage, kids, etc) is harder to bring up than saying you are falling for him. It makes the relationship feel like a business plan. But I am 30 now and scared to waste another several years with a guy who didn't want the same things as me. Dilemmas! Ugh. I have no idea what to say to him now or when. But I do like him enough that it's not worth it to spill the beans on everything and lose him because it happened too soon.

FYI his longest relationship wasn't even 6 months. Where as mine was several years. That makes me think I can't put pressure on him.

If you feel all of this, I honestly don't think he is the right man for you. A true man doesn't make it hard to talk about these things. It is a business plan in a sense, and it is important to discuss these things.

Just ask him what he sees in his future, ask him what he is looking for. Something long term? Marriage? Kids? After 3 months you should be more than comfortable talking about this stuff.

Don't say things in "us" form though, just use yourself.

August 21, 2013

I disagree completely. How hard is it to talk about what you are looking for?
Within the first week of dating I knew so much about my man already. Within the first month I knew whether he wanted kids, how many, where he wanted to settle down.

I would never wait 3 months in to discuss such things, because some of those things are definite deal breakers, and if you aren't adult enough to be up front and clear about what you want, you aren't the man for me. I want a grown up, someone who has SOME idea as to what they are looking for... why? Because I know what I am looking for.

With the right person, discussing these things should NEVER be an issue.
Skipping steps? She isn't suggesting they get married right then? Getting to know what someone is looking for and what they want out of life is part of the process of getting to know someone.

It isn't as if I was hounding him, it was something we both enjoyed discussing, part of that process of getting to know one another. It is a huge reason why our relationship has been so amazing, we were on the same page about things from the get go, so major issues wouldn't be issues. It isn't as if I was telling him that I want kids at this point, and that point, and was making demands. But to tell eachother, marriage is something I am looking for, kids would be great after graduating, owning this type of house in this type of area would be awesome... makes things go so much smoother. If you are afraid to talk about these things, then maybe you aren't with the right person. The right person will also want to talk about them. Then, if you both end up working out, it is already clear as to what the other wants, and you don't have to wait 6 months and realize they don't want to get married until they are 40, or don't want to have kids at all.

It is a great way of not only not wasting time, but also not getting attached to someone who ultimately things won't work out with in the long run.

I definitely see your point here too. And I really don't want to waste time getting emotionally invested in someone who doesn't end up wanting the same things.

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