abby_tx Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I would love opinions from guys AND girls on when you expect this conversation to pop up. I don't mean the conversation where you decide to be exclusive. I mean the one further down the road when you start developing stronger feelings. Should there even be a talk? Do you just continue dating and enjoying the person you're with? I have been dating this guy over three months. I knew from the start there was something different about him, but tried not to get ahead of myself. I wanted to take it slow and get to know him. The past couple of weeks I have felt a huge shift in how I feel about him. As in I deeply care about him and get these cheesy urges to run after him when he's driving away, jump in the car, and tell him how much I like him. (I have not done this fyi) So...do I tell him this? Do we talk about what we want from life? See if they mesh? Or is it better to just keep my strong feelings to myself?
Author abby_tx Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 I forgot to add that one friend said to have it at the 6 month mark. Another said now. And another said not for a year. Helpful. Ha. So that's why I'm talking to the internet!
crederer Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 You're over thinking it. The "where do we take this now" conversation to me, means "are we exclusive?" So based on your post, you are exclusive, so what is the place you want it to be at from here? Marriage?
Author abby_tx Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 You're over thinking it. The "where do we take this now" conversation to me, means "are we exclusive?" So based on your post, you are exclusive, so what is the place you want it to be at from here? Marriage? It is too soon for marriage now obviously, but I feel like this relationship is different and could head down that path. I really don't even know if marriage or kids are things he wants or how seriously he feels about me. I don't want to date just to date.
crederer Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 You danced around it pretty good. I guess my question is what is it you mean? You're exclusive, so now what is it you want?
Author abby_tx Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 I guess what I mean is at this point I feel like he should know if I am someone he MIGHT want to marry some day or if I'm just someone he's dating. I usually know these things right away with guys and will not continue to date them if I know I couldn't marry them. So what I'm wondering is if a talk is in order? Or is the point of dating is to not know **** and blindly go forward? I just don't want a year to pass and find out he could never see a future with me.
Author abby_tx Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 You danced around it pretty good. I guess my question is what is it you mean? You're exclusive, so now what is it you want? I'll be blunt. I'm falling in love with him and it's scary because I have no idea if it's reciprocated. I am starting to picture us together as old people and feel myself starting to invest and don't want to do this if I'm just a summer fling to him.
WonderKid Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 You need to take it slooow. Focus on just communicating. See how he reacts to you guys being together long.
Author abby_tx Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 You need to take it slooow. Focus on just communicating. See how he reacts to you guys being together long. Focus on communicating? Communicating THESE feelings? Or in general about food and news and stuff. I feel like I'm being dishonest by hiding my strong feelings for him now.
lavenderlove Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I forgot to add that one friend said to have it at the 6 month mark. Another said now. And another said not for a year. Helpful. Ha. So that's why I'm talking to the internet! Obviously you think the time is now!!! The question is why you? Why is it not him wanting to clarify things. And can you deal with that emotionally? Is he commitment phobic? Maybe it is a good idea to do a very light temperature check, just start a conversation but not lay down your cards on the table. In my previous RS I waited for 8 years for the guy to say the words. And he didn't, and I left him. But when it came up in conversation he said he wouldn't want to marry, but if it so ****ing important to me, well be it, well that 'it' never happened, like maybe I was supposed to give him a favour and propose to myself too. I am dating a guy now, who after two nights with me expressed that he likes me very much and would like me to be his girlfriend. Pretty fast going. Good luck! 1
WonderKid Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I mean general communication to build up chemistry. If you feel really that strong about him then deliver the message whenever you are having one of those deep talks. Throw smaller questions at him first. Don't pore your heart out to him all at first. Because it is best to show those feelings rather than tell them. Hit him with the, "How do you feel about us now?" Depending on his reply, don't overreact. You're not being dishonest because its not like you have feelings for someone else right? Lol Just take your time.
WonderKid Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Obviously you think the time is now!!! The question is why you? Why is it not him wanting to clarify things. And can you deal with that emotionally? Is he commitment phobic? Maybe it is a good idea to do a very light temperature check, just start a conversation but not lay down your cards on the table. In my previous RS I waited for 8 years for the guy to say the words. And he didn't, and I left him. But when it came up in conversation he said he wouldn't want to marry, but if it so ****ing important to me, well be it, well that 'it' never happened, like maybe I was supposed to give him a favour and propose to myself too. I am dating a guy now, who after two nights with me expressed that he likes me very much and would like me to be his girlfriend. Pretty fast going. Good luck! ^^^ I like this answer here too because one thing pointed out... If you feel like you are not getting any reciprocation from him you need to address that. Showing care goes both ways in a relationship and if he's not showing then it can become one-sided. 1
Author abby_tx Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Obviously you think the time is now!!! The question is why you? Why is it not him wanting to clarify things. And can you deal with that emotionally? Is he commitment phobic? Maybe it is a good idea to do a very light temperature check, just start a conversation but not lay down your cards on the table. In my previous RS I waited for 8 years for the guy to say the words. And he didn't, and I left him. But when it came up in conversation he said he wouldn't want to marry, but if it so ****ing important to me, well be it, well that 'it' never happened, like maybe I was supposed to give him a favour and propose to myself too. I am dating a guy now, who after two nights with me expressed that he likes me very much and would like me to be his girlfriend. Pretty fast going. Good luck! I was with a guy for 7 years and I always ASSUMED we'd get married, but we didn't. I wish I'd had a talk with him instead of assuming. The guy I'm with now asked me to be his girlfriend after 2 weeks in. Aside from asking me to be his girlfriend at that point, we have never had a relationship talk. 1
TheGuard13 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Three months is a little early to be discussing marriage, other than "I would/wouldn't like to get married someday" and the basics of that. Discussing a long term relationship, on the other hand... It's all in how you word it, and it depends on the guy. Is he usually the touchy-feely, sensitive type, or does he avoid the subject?
Author abby_tx Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 ^^^ I like this answer here too because one thing pointed out... If you feel like you are not getting any reciprocation from him you need to address that. Showing care goes both ways in a relationship and if he's not showing then it can become one-sided. He definitely shows it. He's really supportive of my goals and does little things to help me achieve them (which I did not ask him to do, but greatly appreciate it). He also does other little nice things. The only thing is we never have "that" talk. He's also mentioned early on he's not good at talking about relationships.
TheGuard13 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 That's code for "I don't usually like to have, and am currently not ready for a serious conversation about relationships".
WonderKid Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 He definitely shows it. He's really supportive of my goals and does little things to help me achieve them (which I did not ask him to do, but greatly appreciate it). He also does other little nice things. The only thing is we never have "that" talk. He's also mentioned early on he's not good at talking about relationships. If he's not good at talking about relationships that is kinda too bad--because he's in one. Sooner or later he'll have to talk about it. Even if he's not good--who is? Its about communicating and understanding eachother.
Author abby_tx Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Three months is a little early to be discussing marriage, other than "I would/wouldn't like to get married someday" and the basics of that. Discussing a long term relationship, on the other hand... It's all in how you word it, and it depends on the guy. Is he usually the touchy-feely, sensitive type, or does he avoid the subject? We're both introverts, but I know for a fact he has trouble talking about relationships. You say it's all in how you word it and I do agree, I just am having trouble figuring out what this wording is so I don't scare him off.
lavenderlove Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I was with a guy for 7 years and I always ASSUMED we'd get married, but we didn't. I wish I'd had a talk with him instead of assuming. But then even if you let's say had a talk with him in year #1, things could have changed no? I changed heaps in those eight years, and was optimistic enough to think he would come around. i don't really think that a talk would solve insecurities regarding future plans. All I know is that when I first started wandering: When are we going to get married? I was ready to get married. I think next time, -hopefully there won't be one- I will flee once I start to wonder the M word and not having any signs pointing towards it on the horizon.
superchick Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I would wait until 6-9 months before I would say anything. I told my boyfriend that I loved him at 6 months but I already knew that he felt the same way about me way before I said it, he was just shy to say it and didn't want to freak me out. I knew that he was committed from the very beginning; he talked about future, introduced me to his family 2 months in. I could see the love in his eyes so I wasn't scared to tell him how I felt. If you feel hesitant now, I would just wait more and watch for the signs that he shows you - if his words and actions show that he's committed, then you can slowly start expressing your feelings for him. I know it's hard to wait but if you're not sure of his feelings, I believe it's better to play it on the safe side for now.
Author abby_tx Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 That's code for "I don't usually like to have, and am currently not ready for a serious conversation about relationships". I'll give a little more detail because this reminds me of something... The last time we "almost" had a serious talk, it was me blabbing and he had nothing to say. This was early on in the relationship and me being dumb. But last week I had some things that I wanted to talk to him about and he said the next time we saw each other, I could ask him anything and he'd try to answer it the best he could.
Leigh 87 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Three months is enough time for a guy to KNOW whether he is falling in love with you or not. Guys who fall head over heals tend to know early on, opposed to it being a slower and drawn out process. My best friend and her new guy - they BOTH had long relationships with people they were attracted to.. Yet they knew right away with each other that they were falling in love and wanted to be exclusive. I do not buy that it takes "months" for a guy to "know" how he feels about a girl, and to know the direction the relationship is taking. He knows know whether or not he is crazy about this girl, and wants to see other people or not. And the OP should KNOW by now. Chances are, if she does not know he is crazy about her by now, he probably isn't; he'd have told her he hopes to have a future with her if things go well. 1
Author abby_tx Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 I would wait until 6-9 months before I would say anything. I told my boyfriend that I loved him at 6 months but I already knew that he felt the same way about me way before I said it, he was just shy to say it and didn't want to freak me out. I knew that he was committed from the very beginning; he talked about future, introduced me to his family 2 months in. I could see the love in his eyes so I wasn't scared to tell him how I felt. If you feel hesitant now, I would just wait more and watch for the signs that he shows you - if his words and actions show that he's committed, then you can slowly start expressing your feelings for him. I know it's hard to wait but if you're not sure of his feelings, I believe it's better to play it on the safe side for now. It really is hard to wait. To have these feelings, suddenly feel so optimistic about a possible future with him, and act like everything is regular and fun with him is hard! I am super happy and want to tell him I think he's great.
Author abby_tx Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Three months is enough time for a guy to KNOW whether he is falling in love with you or not. Guys who fall head over heals tend to know early on, opposed to it being a slower and drawn out process. My best friend and her new guy - they BOTH had long relationships with people they were attracted to.. Yet they knew right away with each other that they were falling in love and wanted to be exclusive. I do not buy that it takes "months" for a guy to "know" how he feels about a girl, and to know the direction the relationship is taking. He knows know whether or not he is crazy about this girl, and wants to see other people or not. And the OP should KNOW by now. Chances are, if she does not know he is crazy about her by now, he probably isn't; he'd have told her he hopes to have a future with her if things go well. I totally agree that it's not too soon for a person to know if they are falling in love. I suspect he is falling for me based on his actions. He seems more protective and nurturing now and has also started sharing a lot more about his family with me. But you're saying he should have already mentioned a future with me if things keep going??
Leigh 87 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Personally, I think the greatest, strongest kind of " in love" you can feel for another person, is something that starts early on. Case in point; it took 5 to 6 months for my ex to tell me he loved me and 7 months to feel 100% sure about it and say it often. We are no longer together. God love him (we are great friend). Look, this is just MY opinion based on what I have heard and seen among the couples that are truly in love: you tend to know very early on if you're falling in love and if you just want to be with them overwhelmingly! The fact it took my ex and I about 7 months to start talking about how much we hoped we would have a future together? Tells me we never had the raw ingredients to fall " in love"... ...IF we did, I think he would have had that overwhelming urge to want to be with me very early on, and then fallen in love with me after 2 - 4 months. Slow building love, in my opinion, is not always true love; and it is just familiarity and shared history with someone you have romantic feelings for. Not being IN love with them. I am holding out for a person where we both have a very strong desire to want to be together early on, and fall in love fast.
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