In Between keeping NC and sending one precise message. Thoughts?

August 21, 2013

So I guess most of you know my story by now. 2.5 relationship, 4 month BU, 2 months NC (on my part, as she has been NC since BU). Breakup was because of constant fighting over her insecurities and my bad temper and anxiety (chasing to solve problems, calling excessively, sending angry messages until the morning, communicating with her family, etc). We already had had a 2 month break, but wash';t enough for me or her to change much, so guess what, things became worse.

Now, I have been changing, NC has helped me a lot, has put everything in perspective and I am doing positive changes in my life. She still has our pics on FB (which I know, may not mean much, but knowing her, for me it does) and all I know she is very honest and wouldn't lead me on (and she hasn't I guess). Although I am not depressed anymore, I still feel anxiety about wanting her back and I want to believe the option still exists, although as my therapist says, right now it would be going back to the same old. However, unless we are masochists we were trying really hard cause the love was there, until love wasn't enough.

So I have been contemplating two options: One is to keep NC, which does help me and which, knowing how jealous she was inside the relationship, may make her wonder and actually think that for the first time I am not there, pestering, that I am respecting her. However, she may think I am moving on and the thing with her is her damn pride and of course listening to her family telling her that I'm not good (they are not too keen of me right now). She is 28 though, but emotionally she is not there because of her low self-esteem. So keeping NC may in fact telling her that I am moving on cause even during our short breakup I was always there pestering, and she MAY begin to wonder, but me waiting for that is stupid.

The other option is to send an e-mail or message telling her that I believe the breakup needed to happen (which is true, otherwise the toxicity would continue) and that I know she needs some space to work on her issues while I continue to work on mine. That I am not giving up on us just yet and, if she allows, I want to reconquer her when the time is right. Sending this, however, may result in her knowing I am there still, but on the other hand, she may see that I am in fact changing, as I am not chasing her, but respecting her wishes while still hoping for a chance in the future. I am not expecting an answer anyhow, but for her to realize I am a different man and I am not talking about right now. With that, knowing her, I could perhaps lower her defenses a little bit for when I do approach her when I am ready. She may answer that things are really done, but at least I will know. However, she may see the message and not answer it (which is my idea, knowing her). I know she won't lead me on, so not answering is actually positive for me.

Thoughts?

Edited August 21, 2013 by templeofmax

August 21, 2013

Why don't you weigh the pros and cons out yourself? I think most people here would just tell you to stay no contact, but I know that that advice rarely gets listened to because we all need to come to the conclusion on our own. So, make a list of the pros and the cons of each. Write out the scenarios on paper or in this thread (or anywhere, really) and then take the time to look at them and think about them.

There have been times that I've broken no contact impulsively and it has always ended up badly, but I think if I had just taken a step back and weighed the pros and cons I would have made a better choice...

August 21, 2013

Honesty, your not ready.

Your email to her seems needy and clingy.

Please, I beg of you. Stay NC for at least another 30days, give time for your head to clear.

You will end up back at square one.

I've been there man, not too long ago.

I'm glad I held, because when she reached out I had the power.

Just leave it for now.

Let's be realistic, give it two weeks...the maybe. But before you do, let us know first.

Not trying to be mean, or hurt you in anyway, just the way you wrote it and how you explained what you said in your email seems very needy.

Maybe its the way you worded it.

Show her you changes, she wants space so give it to her.

I give you my word when she's ready to talk to you she will be the one to hit you up.

Barky

August 21, 2013

Yeah, I know it feels like I am not ready! My therapist actually told me to give it 3 months of solid NC (well, I have looked a couple times at her FB, so not really solid, but I stopped when I realized it was ****ing me up) at which time she could contact her as she knows her. I don't know if her contacting her is a good idea giving that I used to involve everybody and their dog in our BS.

I know I am highly anxious still (not depressed and feeling less guilt though and with the thoughts not really sticking like before, so that is huge for me). However, in my anxiety I think about the bad way she has been treating me post-BU, and how that may mean she doesn't give 2 ****s about me. However, logically, she may be hiding her true feelings because nobody forgets someone they were really close to, with awesome moments in between the freaking fights. And love doesn't dissipate like that. However, sometimes I struggle between whether 'out of sight, out of mind' applies, or if its more of a 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' kind of thing.

August 21, 2013

NC dude. Letters are almost always a horrible idea to send. Write it for yourself, but do not send.

August 21, 2013

Honesty, your not ready.

Your email to her seems needy and clingy.

Please, I beg of you. Stay NC for at least another 30days, give time for your head to clear.

You will end up back at square one.

I've been there man, not too long ago.

I'm glad I held, because when she reached out I had the power.

Just leave it for now.

Let's be realistic, give it two weeks...the maybe. But before you do, let us know first.

Not trying to be mean, or hurt you in anyway, just the way you wrote it and how you explained what you said in your email seems very needy.

Maybe its the way you worded it.

Show her you changes, she wants space so give it to her.

I give you my word when she's ready to talk to you she will be the one to hit you up.

Barky

I don't know if her saying 'It is not with anger when I tell you that the relationship is over for good. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore and I need you to respect that' means 'I need space'. the first breakup she did say it was over, and later said that she needed space, so I know her final words may not really be her final words, but this time they might. So far she is sticking to that. I have convinced her before to give it a go, but of course, I couldn't change in such a short time.

August 21, 2013

Didn't read the whole thing, but I can tell you (and you already know), it won't do anything positive. It won't help. It WILL hurt in the long run. Just ask IOU. She's done it numerous times, and guess what??

August 21, 2013

Yeah, I know it feels like I am not ready! My therapist actually told me to give it 3 months of solid NC (well, I have looked a couple times at her FB, so not really solid, but I stopped when I realized it was ****ing me up) at which time she could contact her as she knows her. I don't know if her contacting her is a good idea giving that I used to involve everybody and their dog in our BS.

I know I am highly anxious still (not depressed and feeling less guilt though and with the thoughts not really sticking like before, so that is huge for me). However, in my anxiety I think about the bad way she has been treating me post-BU, and how that may mean she doesn't give 2 ****s about me. However, logically, she may be hiding her true feelings because nobody forgets someone they were really close to, with awesome moments in between the freaking fights. And love doesn't dissipate like that. However, sometimes I struggle between whether 'out of sight, out of mind' applies, or if its more of a 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' kind of thing.

You NEED to go thru these periods of hurt anger depression ect.

Every one of us has done it.

3 months is a good goal.

No she won't forget about you!

I bet she's thought about you too.

When we break up, our exs change...they aren't the same person.

I know it once again first hand.

But you have to give yourself time to heal.

As a poster said above...it doesn't matter if you went and got engaged to the queen of england, what will happen,will.

PS.....absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Barky

August 21, 2013

I don't know if her saying 'It is not with anger when I tell you that the relationship is over for good. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore and I need you to respect that' means 'I need space'. the first breakup she did say it was over, and later said that she needed space, so I know her final words may not really be her final words, but this time they might. So far she is sticking to that. I have convinced her before to give it a go, but of course, I couldn't change in such a short time.

You are doing mental gymnastics in your head. That alone tells me this is a terrible idea.

August 21, 2013

You are doing mental gymnastics in your head. That alone tells me this is a terrible idea.

Man, with my anxiety, I am the king of mental gymnastics...such a waste of neurons.

August 21, 2013

Keep no contact.

August 21, 2013

You NEED to go thru these periods of hurt anger depression ect.

Every one of us has done it.

3 months is a good goal.

No she won't forget about you!

I bet she's thought about you too.

When we break up, our exs change...they aren't the same person.

I know it once again first hand.

But you have to give yourself time to heal.

As a poster said above...it doesn't matter if you went and got engaged to the queen of england, what will happen,will.

PS.....absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Barky

They are not the same person, but mine did a 180 turn. She became cold and even mean. My grandfather passed away the day after and other than her 'sorries', I did not receive even a 'how you doing'. Instead she posted pictures of herself smiling. ****ed me up to look at that. Then she went on a trip to South America for 2 months. All of a sudden she did not give a ****. Sometimes I just want to go there and face her so she can look me in the eye when she breaks up, but then, I will never get her back. Why would I want to get her back if she is behaving this way? But I want to...maybe I miss the person she was, not what she became. When we met she was so sweet and caring and I did put up with her jealousy and insecurity because of her traits. I think this is the only case in the world where the insecure girl, after asking me if I will abandon her and being jealous without reason to, breaks up with the guy and not the other way around.

Edited August 21, 2013 by templeofmax

August 21, 2013

Man, with my anxiety, I am the king of mental gymnastics...such a waste of neurons.

Trust me, when I first posted on here I was McKayla Maroney and Dominique Moceanu, but not nearly as female, small or cute. Honestly, when and if you do break it you have to be at a point where you honestly couldn't give a sh*t less what her response, or non-response, will be. You have to be secure in it to the point where it wouldn't even occur to you to hop on this forum and start a thread about it.

August 21, 2013

I think this is the only case in the world where the insecure girl, after asking me if I will abandon her and being jealous without reason to, breaks up with the guy and not the other way around. Sometimes I wish I could continue healing and her to reach out and me saying, thanks but no thanks.

August 21, 2013

So I guess most of you know my story by now. 2.5 relationship, 4 month BU, 2 months NC (on my part, as she has been NC since BU). Breakup was because of constant fighting over her insecurities and my bad temper and anxiety (chasing to solve problems, calling excessively, sending angry messages until the morning, communicating with her family, etc). We already had had a 2 month break, but wash';t enough for me or her to change much, so guess what, things became worse.

Now, I have been changing, NC has helped me a lot, has put everything in perspective and I am doing positive changes in my life. She still has our pics on FB (which I know, may not mean much, but knowing her, for me it does) and all I know she is very honest and wouldn't lead me on (and she hasn't I guess). Although I am not depressed anymore, I still feel anxiety about wanting her back and I want to believe the option still exists, although as my therapist says, right now it would be going back to the same old. However, unless we are masochists we were trying really hard cause the love was there, until love wasn't enough.

So I have been contemplating two options: One is to keep NC, which does help me and which, knowing how jealous she was inside the relationship, may make her wonder and actually think that for the first time I am not there, pestering, that I am respecting her. However, she may think I am moving on and the thing with her is her damn pride and of course listening to her family telling her that I'm not good (they are not too keen of me right now). She is 28 though, but emotionally she is not there because of her low self-esteem. So keeping NC may in fact telling her that I am moving on cause even during our short breakup I was always there pestering, and she MAY begin to wonder, but me waiting for that is stupid.

The other option is to send an e-mail or message telling her that I believe the breakup needed to happen (which is true, otherwise the toxicity would continue) and that I know she needs some space to work on her issues while I continue to work on mine. That I am not giving up on us just yet and, if she allows, I want to reconquer her when the time is right. Sending this, however, may result in her knowing I am there still, but on the other hand, she may see that I am in fact changing, as I am not chasing her, but respecting her wishes while still hoping for a chance in the future. I am not expecting an answer anyhow, but for her to realize I am a different man and I am not talking about right now. With that, knowing her, I could perhaps lower her defenses a little bit for when I do approach her when I am ready. She may answer that things are really done, but at least I will know. However, she may see the message and not answer it (which is my idea, knowing her). I know she won't lead me on, so not answering is actually positive for me.

Thoughts?

sounds a lot like my situation. but at least your ex still keeps up the pictures of you. my ex deleted every single picture. i too would take my anger out on her and our relationship was non stop fighting. i sent her a couple of letters and she said she needs space and nothing has changed since.

August 21, 2013

I think this is the only case in the world where the insecure girl, after asking me if I will abandon her and being jealous without reason to, breaks up with the guy and not the other way around. Sometimes I wish I could continue healing and her to reach out and me saying, thanks but no thanks.

That's not rare at all. A lot of times dumpers will project their own feelings about the relationship on dumpees.

August 21, 2013

Nothing about yours, or anyone's break up on here, is unique.

Sorry. That's why it's so easy to have an iron-clad set of rules. Because every break up is the same...

Pretty much. Everyone thinks their case is unique, but in general, it plays out the same.

August 21, 2013

sounds a lot like my situation. but at least your ex still keeps up the pictures of you. my ex deleted every single picture. i too would take my anger out on her and our relationship was non stop fighting. i sent her a couple of letters and she said she needs space and nothing has changed since.

How long ago was this?

August 21, 2013

No contact. I fully believe in it after my recent experience.

August 21, 2013

Okay Max....I've seen you on here many of times before and I've read EVERYTHING about your situation frontwards and backwards. I've been here on these boards a long time (even before I had my issue). I've seen millions of stories and seen people come and go (A lot of the good ones stay Simon, Fiz,Tara, Chi, etc etc etc). You have to LISTEN to people on here..thats why you are here right? For advice? Back in the day, I took the "oh youre right BUT...." stance that you seem to have, and did everything opposite of what everyone told me. DO NOT DO THAT.

I'm going to be blunt here and don't get mad because were all on the same team here: It's over. There is nothing you can do that will "get her back." Sending letters, texting, telling her anything will do nothing other than waste time and make you look weak. I've also noticed on here you "go NC", but again you are using it for ALL the wrong reasons (and you arent NC because you check FB...and Im going to assume MANY times a day) You say it right at times going "yeah NC and move forward" to others, then in another sentence, you use it to justify as reason for your ex to possibly miss you and a possible reconnection later. Again Max, its done. ..NC will NOT have your ex just magically say "oh I made a mistake." It's done man. You are now using the "three months" as lets go NC, wait three months, have her miss me and "her heart grow fonder" and I will reach out again and things will be different."

Max, that isnt going to work. Its not all black and white, but it kinda is all black and white lol. Quit trying to justify her reasons or anything like that such as "Well, if I go NC, then she will know I'm respecting her but she might not think I care" Honestly, and this hurts, she cares to a degree of what you are doing, but not really. All of her energy is somewhere else. Where that energy is, I dont know, but its not in your direction. Nothing you do matters to her Max. Reconciliation will ONLY happen IF she comes to you one day WAY down the road and says "______, I made a huge mistake and I want to try this again"....you honestly though have a better chance of playing Quarterback for the 49ers this season. Its hard to see in your eyes trust me, because I and many others on here didnt see it, but you will.

She was done, probably thought about it for a while, and did it. Anything you say afterwards is nothing. Memories you had with her, are thrown out her window. GET OFF FACEBOOK!!!!!! You are going to see something one day that you dont want to see and I really dont feel like seeing a thread about it lol. BTW, your "therapist" should be fired. Client confidentiality just thrown out the window saying "give it three months and I can talk to her". Good lord....ive been to therapy and had family members in the same profession and that is an ultimate no no.

Look man, I'm not trying to be some huge downer, but I've seen this carbon copy of a story 900 times. Hell, THIS was my story. I did everything you did. I called, I wrote letters, I tried making her jealous, I tried using NC as a catalyst for her to miss me, I showed up at her house, I bought nice gifts, I got sad, I got angry, I tried talking to her friends, I waited months without talking to her and tried to get back in her life, etc etc etc etc....again, it was done. It never brought her back and that was that. This is the same situation and many of them are. Use NC to heal and get over it. Be single for a while then try dating again. That is what life is right now for you. Heal, take time, but this hope that ONE day she will come around is only going to hinder your healing. Hope in this world is a great thing to have, but it can also backfire on you, and that is what this is. It is VERY possible one day she will have another BF....do you WANT to see that? Do you WANT to know about that? Heal, get off social networks, deal with YOU. Dont HEAL just to one day be with her again.....

August 21, 2013

I hear what you are saying! However, i do not accept her ungratefullness

And I will face her on it! She is not getting anoter bf cause she knows she

Needs to work on her issues and insecurity and even

If she gets someone else is not going to last because

I was the only one stupid enough to deal with her BS AND

IMMATURITY for so long only for her to dump me like

If I was some chump she picked down the street!

August 21, 2013

And my therapist knows her, she did counseling for us, so that is why she suggested that! She knows her struggles!

August 21, 2013

And my therapist knows her, she did counseling for us, so that is why she suggested that! She knows her struggles!

Your therapist should not be divulging anything about your ex to you, or you to your ex. That's messed up.

August 21, 2013

Your therapist should not be divulging anything about your ex to you, or you to your ex. That's messed up.

She is not divulging. She is my therapist, not my ex's, but she is also a couples therapist. She is not going back and forth. She only asked to reach out to her to see how she is doing. Tjhat is breaking anything as I gave her permission.

August 21, 2013

I hear what you are saying! However, i do not accept her ungratefullness
And I will face her on it! She is not getting anoter bf cause she knows she
Needs to work on her issues and insecurity and even
If she gets someone else is not going to last because
I was the only one stupid enough to deal with her BS AND
IMMATURITY for so long only for her to dump me like
If I was some chump she picked down the street!

*Sigh*

Its going to be a LONG road for you brother if you keep thinking like this. This has nothing to do with insecurities, immaturity, issues, etc.....I understand your thought process and what not, but its not it. It doesn't matter what you "will or will not accept from her" or anything because you don't control that anymore. She can continue to be a b**** to you and you have two options: Accept it, or don't talk to her. That's it. That's all you have.

Your therapist should lose their license pronto

Sign In

In Between keeping NC and sending one precise message. Thoughts?

Recommended Posts

templeofmax

iouaname

barky2

templeofmax

Simon Phoenix

templeofmax

mtnbiker3000

barky2

Simon Phoenix

templeofmax

forgetmenot75

templeofmax

Simon Phoenix

templeofmax

Kozmo

Simon Phoenix

Simon Phoenix

templeofmax

Emma1234

ConfusedHumanBeing

templeofmax

templeofmax

Simon Phoenix

templeofmax

ConfusedHumanBeing

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...