bbwcfan Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 We were together for over 4 years. I was her first love, first everything. We have a little bit of an age difference (18-her, 21-me). Anyway, about 3 months ago she had been beginning to detach from me. Buying pets, she got a full-time job, started going out with friends more instead of seeing me. So a month ago, she broke it off, saying she needed a couple months to just work and worry about school and not have to deal with a relationship. So I waited it out. Did the NC thing. Then, I called her after a week, she wanted me to write a paper for her. So I did. Next thing you know, I was in her room holding her and she said "This is the best feeling in the world. I can't wait to marry you. I am confused. But we can't be together now." I flipped out. Wondered why she could do this, but not be with me. She got pissed, and we didn't talk until 2 nights ago. When I called her.. and she told me I am an a**h***, that I changed in the relationship, that she is too good for me, that she loves being single and hanging out and going out and not having to think about me. Then she said, well, we can be together in the future.. and that she loves me, just is not in love with me. And that I need to grow as a person. She told me not to call. HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO FLIP-FLOP? I need some help. I boxed up all her "reminders" and memories and put them in my closet.
HokeyReligions Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 It's called Growing Up. You were both children when you began your relationship, and now that you are adults you are changing and its natural to want to experience more than one relationship. Let her go and spread your own wings and experience more of life. If at some point in the future (some years from now -- not next week) you decide to try again, you will each have much more to bring to a relationship. Boxing everything up is a good start.
Ms_Sweetness Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 Since you were her first everything, I think that maybe she feels like she's never really explored other options. After all she is only 18. There may be other guys giving her attention and she wants to explore it a little. Not that she doesn't have feelings for you, she's just confused as to what she wants to do. She doesn't know whether to stay with you, a "safe" relationship, or branch off into something new and unknown, another guy. Don't let her use you as her backup guy, someone who she comes running to when other guys treat her badly. Just give her the space that she asks for, and she'll realize sooner or later that great guys are hard to come by, and that she should cherish the one she has.
EC Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 She sounds like she is really confused and needs a lot of time to sort things out. She is "flip-flop" and needs to find herself before she can be in a relationship. I think you should give her the time she needs and keep up the NC because if not she is going to take you on a rollercoaster ride. She's debating whether to be single or stay with you. She wants her cake and she wants to eat it too and lick the frosting. Live you life, go out with your friends and give her time.
Author bbwcfan Posted November 9, 2004 Author Posted November 9, 2004 Yeah it is weird because she BLASTED me on the phone, telling me how GREAT it is to be single.. yet then she went around and said "but I want to marry you someday, I just think I'm too good for you right now. You're holding me back from achieving my goals" etc etc... I mean, I think maybe she NEEDS to experience a BAD GUY before she can realize how great of one I am? So keep up the NC? I don't see how someone can bash me, not talk to me for however long we will, then suddenly want to be with me again.
ps123 Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 So keep up the NC? I don't see how someone can bash me, not talk to me for however long we will, then suddenly want to be with me again. Rather than asking that, maybe you should be asking yourself if you want to be with someone who can bash you, not talk to you and then still say she wants to be with you someday. To agree with eternally confused, she sounds like she wants to go off and do whatever she wants and wants to keep you waiting in case she wants you back at some point, which is incredibly unfair to you. You need to ask yourself if you want to be with someone who would treat you like this, or treat anyone like this for that matter.
Author bbwcfan Posted November 9, 2004 Author Posted November 9, 2004 Good point. I mean, yes, I love her, but look at how she is treating someone she was with for so long. She can't even be respectful to me. I think she will come to realize she made a mistake, maybe in a month, maybe in a year, but in the meantime, I have to try to move on.. it is SO HARD though not calling, or looking at all the memories we shared, etc.
Author bbwcfan Posted November 10, 2004 Author Posted November 10, 2004 I am becoming completely apathetic. I have no interest in anything or anyone. I am becoming a machine. This is the only way to deal with this.
Author bbwcfan Posted November 10, 2004 Author Posted November 10, 2004 Do I wait around for her? Or move on??!?!??!?!?! 4.5 years.. think she's thinking about me still? I mean.. this sucks.
chicothechimp Posted November 10, 2004 Posted November 10, 2004 no one can TELL you waht to do... only you can do that... if I honestly thought that waiting for my ex-gf was something I should do but not a single friend agreed I would still do it... I do value intuition along with reason... that being said, I did ask my closest three male friends what I should do after giving them a brief synopsis of the situation... GF os 2 years sudddenly says that she needs 'time', 'space' and 'to be alone'... despite pleas fromme to stay together and work this $hit out she didn't wanna do it... I found out in hindsight that she was spending a LOT OF TIME all through the summer and fall messaging/calling/emaling her new boss at her new job (he is married and has 2 small kids)... so now I shake my head a go 'what the hell happened to that woman I was in love with for those 2 years?'... would I be willing to wait it out for a length of time and forgive and rebuild confidence? yeah, it would be brutal but I would be willing as long she gave her word to not do such a thing again and then held herself accountable along that line... so this past week I finally give a very brief synopsis of the situation to my three best friends... almost the first words THEY ALL USE are "WALK AWAY!'... that has stuck with me... so that is what I am now doing... hard as hell to do... but getting better... it makes it tougher when you have dreams of her where you are asking to meet her around the world somewhere in a few months (like the dream I had last night... amazingly this is the first dream I have remembered about her in months)... my GF was the world to me... but she flipped sides in the summer and became very emotionally attached to her boss at work... then they starting getting together outside of work and such and messaging all the time... she tried to keep this hidden from me and still doesn't know that I know all the details that I do... last week we said goodbye... all last things we had of the others' was given back... terse and angry time as I confronted her about her relationship with him... she avoided answering the question five times until she said 'NO' she wasn't involved romantically/sexually with this guy and that "my relationships are none of your business" (*ironic words considering that one of the first things we agreed to was that if the other person got a new GF/BF that we would tell the other person FIRST!)... I simply know that that is crap... so do I wanna be around someone who lies and conceals things (in hindsight I remember her getting together to do these different things but she wouldn't say who she was with... what a load of ****)... I am now WALKING AWAY... and keeping on walking... yet who the hell was I with those two years of delight and what happened to her... oh well, that question has no answer. Hope that this helps. Chico
Author bbwcfan Posted November 10, 2004 Author Posted November 10, 2004 Definitely helps. I made the mistake of reading her old letters and looking at her pictures and gifts she got me when we were together. Not a good idea. I am realizing that girl I loved for 4.5 years is gone. She is never coming back. I have to try to plan my life as if she will never be in it.. :-(
Weird Posted November 10, 2004 Posted November 10, 2004 I say you let her go do what she thinks she wants to do and watch her come crying back to you after she realizes it isn't glorious like she thinks it will be. Oh and it was pretty damn harsh of her to say that crap to you on the phone. Talk about a sign of immaturity
Author bbwcfan Posted November 10, 2004 Author Posted November 10, 2004 Yeah, and she says I am the immature one. Do you think she will come crawling back eventually? Maybe a few months? I am not contacting her and trying to just pretend she doesn't exist..
Author bbwcfan Posted November 10, 2004 Author Posted November 10, 2004 We had some of the BEST TIMES in our relationship.. then she met her work friends, got her job, and now all of a sudden she doesn't even want to contact me. She suddenly BLAMED EVERYTHING ON ME, when at first, she said she just needed space for work and school, a couple months at most.. now she is saying she will contact me NOT SOON.. but sometime in the future so we can work it out again. Is she living a pipe dream? Throwing away what we spent over 4 years working on?
Author bbwcfan Posted November 10, 2004 Author Posted November 10, 2004 So do you think the best way to get her back is to completely ignore her and assume she won't ever come back? Like..don't call her even on her birthday and such?
ltomlinson81 Posted November 10, 2004 Posted November 10, 2004 You are making this too complicated. Let her go. Let her go with absolutely no intentions of getting her back. That is how you are going to get over her. Pretending to "let her go with no intention of trying to get her back" will change nothing. You have to just let this one go for real. She is too immature and is playing games.
Author bbwcfan Posted November 10, 2004 Author Posted November 10, 2004 Alright.. I think I can do this.. so no contact eh? Even if I LOVE HER and want her back, NO CONTACT? let her go?
ltomlinson81 Posted November 10, 2004 Posted November 10, 2004 Many who go through breakups still love their SO and want them back. But that rarely happens. Let her go if you even want to salvage a friendship with her. You'll be surprised... If she cares about you in any capacity, she will contact you soon.
Author bbwcfan Posted November 10, 2004 Author Posted November 10, 2004 Alright.. sounds like my only option anyway. Completely ignore her and make new memories for myself, with myself..
Weird Posted November 10, 2004 Posted November 10, 2004 I agree with what LT said. You have to let her go and do her own thing and not expect her to come back. As LT said, she is too immature and playing games. Let her go and experience what real life can be like and hopefully she will mature. If you wish to contact her on special occasions like her bday or Christmas then I think that wouldn't be too bad to do but IMO I wouldn't if I were you. Oh and son, don't listen to what she said about you being the immature one....most immature people say that which is a sign of their immaturity. Now is she realizes she is immature and says you are too then that is fine but it seems like she thinks she is all grown up mentally and emotionally when she isn't.
Author bbwcfan Posted November 11, 2004 Author Posted November 11, 2004 Yeah, it does seem like that. I just don't want her to do anything stupid.. ya know? She already did make a BIG mistake leaving me and I want her to realize it someday. I am doing the complete no contact.. I won't even call her on her birthday.
Author bbwcfan Posted November 11, 2004 Author Posted November 11, 2004 The dreams suck tho. I keep having dreams of us being back together. Of things being great. It is like I wish she would realize the the couple times we fought or the couple times things were "bad" are not worth leaving me over.
Weird Posted November 11, 2004 Posted November 11, 2004 Yeah, I know what you mean about not wanting her to go and make some big mistake that screws her up. Problem is, you have to realize she has to make her own choices and has to grow on her own and if that involves her making mistakes then so be it. It sucks to be pwoerless when you want to make sure someone you love stays on the right path in life but sadly, that is how the world works. I also know about dreams and they can be a bitch because it seems the dreams where a person is with their ex are the ones people can easily remember in vivid detail when they wake up.
Author bbwcfan Posted November 11, 2004 Author Posted November 11, 2004 Yeah, I had a dream last night that we got back together again.. I went to her house, we apologized, etc etc but then I woke up and realized she is still out on her own. The thing is, she LOVED talking to me, and like I said.. 2 weeks ago she invited me over and was holding me and telling me how much she loves me.. but then she turned around the next week and said we need a long break, and maybe fate will bring us back together. Ugh. Seems like she probably found someone else, or, she feels like we need to be apart to grow. Either way, it is SO hard to ignore her and move on. I know she is the one for me. But there is nothing else to do except assume she will never come back.
Author bbwcfan Posted November 12, 2004 Author Posted November 12, 2004 She said she's not obligated to me anymore, but she wants to marry me someday? Does this make sense? This is the 5th day of complete no contact and I am beginning to wonder if such heartless people exist who can one minute tell you they love you, then the next tell you they don't
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