What do I do?!

October 22, 2013

this sounds like desperation from all of you. you feel that you need to have a kid soon, which is not something anyone should rush with. i do understand as a woman you might feel its time. but you need to know its the right time. and you cant rush other people cause they are also just people.

your first boyfriend seems like the classic. she dumped me now i want her back. been there before. the whole relationship i was getting to comfortable and i wasnt sure about it. she ended up breaking up with me. and then i was the one that got hurt. of course i wanted her back. this was a long time ago now. and thank god i got some experience out of it. i was right all along. i didnt want her. i just missed something that i couldnt have anymore.

your new date seems like a guy who havent had a relationship for a very long time. telling you i want everything now.

its never good to rush in to a relationship. sure you might get married. have kids etc. but are you going to be happy with that? its like if you buying a table for the kitchen because you think it looks good in the store. then you realize you want to change the table because the table doesnt fit with the rest of the kitchen. yeah i made that up, but it makes sense:)

October 22, 2013

Wow, OP, that's some heavy stuff. Not sure what to say or where to begin but I'm really glad you sound like you're getting back on your feet and continuing to move forward.

You didn't mention anything about guy #2... I guess he's out of the picture now? Now you're moving away... does that mean it's unlikely you'll work anything out with your bf?

I'm glad you didn't physically cheat at least.

If you feel the ball is in his court then I would wait for him to contact you for a while. But if too much time passes I imagine he'll be worried you're going to get involved with someone else emotionally or physically. Next time you're in contact I would stay very honest with him and make it abundantly clear how you feel and what you want to see happen.

Wishing you the best, feels like it's been forever even though it's only been a few weeks. I've updated my thread here and there if you ever want to see the inner workings of my mind and my situation. Never any new hard information, just coping, healing, and remaining steadfast in NC for me.

October 23, 2013

Thanks for writing guys... It's been a whirlwind.

Yes. I thought originally that it was a "want what you can't have" scenario with him. I really don't think that anymore. I just think that he didnt feel like he had to make any uncomfortable decisions bc I would always be around and that when I finally left him he was forced to make a decision. I also think, however, that he didnt want it to be about him screwing up. He's VERY prideful and stubborn. When he was able to make it my fault he was quick to jump on that to justify his behavior...

WARNING! anger phase about to come out;-)!!! Eventhough I didn't cheat on him, it infuriates me that he has the gall to use that as a deal breaker (even IF I had), when he ACTUALLY cheated on me a few months earlier and I so readily forgave him.

Anyway, now that that's out. The truth is is that I'm 100% certain that he's still in love with me. He also has told me that we had an awesome relationship. He told me that he just can't be with me right now bc he has trust issues that he has to work out... Maybe some of y'all will think this is just a line... And maybe it is? I really have no clue. The problem is, is that I told him that I can't do a long distance thing. Before he left a few weeks ago I told him that I love him and that I'm willing to make changes in my career to be near him, however I can't do the long distance thing. I'll leave the door open for now, but I have to move on in the meantime. If that means getting a job no where near him, the door is going to have to close." To which he responded, "I think that if two people really want to be together, no amount of distance will stop them." I didn't deny that, but I was pretty firm that I can't do long distance. Then, when I talked about the jobs I was looking at, he kept nixing certain ones saying things like "I (meaning he) can't do the things he enjoys in that area." But then, right before he left, we were talking about a job in Canada that was offered to me. He seemed pretty encouraging about it, but I know that he would not move to Canada.

Anyway, now it's been almost 3 weeks since I last saw him or spoke to him (other than the brief text about not having to pay rent). I haven't told him that I got a job or am moving. I'm trying to keep NC, but I do worry that he assumes that I will tell him when the door is about to close. I really have no clue if I'm doing the right thing.

October 23, 2013

about long distance. my ex girlfriend and i did that and wasnt that far away. but im pretty sure that made things worse. my current and i have had loooooooong distance, she lives in america, and i live in europe. the problem has been her studying for a masters degree. this has been going on for two years. ive been there 3 months, then she went here 2 months, then were apart for 2-3 months and then i go back. basically weve been together for about 9 out of 12 months every year. and this might sound weird but it has never been a problem for us. yes its been hard from time to time. but then again shes also my best friend. we are thinking about marriage now.

theres a lot of people in the us having boyfriends in the army that will be gone for 6 months before seeing each other. and honestly thats a situation that is far more worrying then mine.

i think that a young person like him normally have a harder time understanding what he wants. and i dont think that you should completely trust everything he says. not because he is lying. but because there might be a chance he still wants you there but not be together with you. back in the days i was dating a woman that was 9 years older then me. and trust me. the age does matter because you want something that he might not be ready for. people can say what they want but to get kids in your early 20's is really hard. even if its more common now you realize that you cant go out and party anymore. you cant hang with your friends like you did before etc.

October 23, 2013

Thanks Chados! I've been giving long distance a lot of thought... I think I could do it for a period of time, but I would know it would have to have a firm end date. The problem is that we both just changed jobs quite a bit and really cannot do it again. He's already committed to a job and I'm about to sign a contract. I really think we'd be stuck into long distance for a long time with no end date in sight.

Just so you know, the ex (and the one I'm talking about now) is not younger. He's actually older at 38...

Thanks again for writing! I really appreciate all feedback... It really helps.

October 23, 2013

Anyway, now it's been almost 3 weeks since I last saw him or spoke to him (other than the brief text about not having to pay rent). I haven't told him that I got a job or am moving. I'm trying to keep NC, but I do worry that he assumes that I will tell him when the door is about to close. I really have no clue if I'm doing the right thing.

Not sure if NC is the proper strategy right now, as it might be best to keep solid communication and maybe get on the same page if possible.

When my ex bought a house earlier this year I felt like she didn't keep me in the loop very well, and made a lot of decisions I was only vaguely aware of. I don't know if she assumed I knew more or hoped it would manipulate me into feeling/acting a certain way but it kind of confused me and happened really fast. It was a big step and made things between us a bit more difficult.

If he is open to communicating with you... and you think there is a chance he is really listening to you I say talk about it. Just not totally sure where you are at right now or if you're just spinning your wheels. If you don't feel it's going to go anywhere then going NC may be the best thing. If you stay in LC it's going to drag on and on imo.

Wish you the best especially in the near future, I'm sure some of the stress will subside when you get settled in somewhere.

October 23, 2013

Thanks Chados! I've been giving long distance a lot of thought... I think I could do it for a period of time, but I would know it would have to have a firm end date. The problem is that we both just changed jobs quite a bit and really cannot do it again. He's already committed to a job and I'm about to sign a contract. I really think we'd be stuck into long distance for a long time with no end date in sight.

Just so you know, the ex (and the one I'm talking about now) is not younger. He's actually older at 38...

Thanks again for writing! I really appreciate all feedback... It really helps.

sorry, maybe i missed that. well we are all different when it comes to how much we are willing to wait for another person. but if you feel that you could handle it while he cant, or the other way around. then theres no point in trying. you need to trust each other. and also be able to handle the time apart. personally work will always be my second choice if it comes down to being happy, but then i need to really feel that i can trust the other person. now this is of course also different. some people are in a situation where they need to work to actually be able to live and have a home.

and i dont know, maybe its hard for you to find another job if you would move closer to him. this is something you gotta talk about with him. cause no matter what we say, youre the one who can choose to change your life. you just gotta think twice if its worth it.

October 23, 2013

Thanks lylatt and Chados.

First, yes, I would be totally willing to move for him, but I will not be able to find anything in my profession near him(or it would be very unlikely). I'd be willing to do it though and I did tell him that. Unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to move for quite a while once I sign my contracts and then it could really hurt me professionally and financially if I do that bc of a bunch of weird circumstances.

Lylatt, do you really feel like I should contact him? I've been debating, but I keep feeling like at this point he is the dumper (even though I broke up with him) and that I've made it clear that I want to be with him. I know that he will talk to me, but I don't know if it will get us where I want us to be. He responded to my text the other day about not paying the rent even though it wasn't really necessary for him to do so... I know that he probably wants to hear from me, but I just think he's too stubborn to do it first. He did make it clear that he can't be with me now (which was probably a month ago), and I made it clear that I was leaving the door open to us getting back together until I had to move on... He might feel that it would take me longer to get a job and whatnot... He might feel like he has more time... That's the thing that I worry about.

If he were to decide in a month that he wanted to get back together, I'd probably try... But it would be REALLY hard.

I really don't know! I thought I was doing the right thing with NC!

October 24, 2013

Thanks lylatt and Chados.

First, yes, I would be totally willing to move for him, but I will not be able to find anything in my profession near him(or it would be very unlikely). I'd be willing to do it though and I did tell him that. Unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to move for quite a while once I sign my contracts and then it could really hurt me professionally and financially if I do that bc of a bunch of weird circumstances.

Lylatt, do you really feel like I should contact him? I've been debating, but I keep feeling like at this point he is the dumper (even though I broke up with him) and that I've made it clear that I want to be with him. I know that he will talk to me, but I don't know if it will get us where I want us to be. He responded to my text the other day about not paying the rent even though it wasn't really necessary for him to do so... I know that he probably wants to hear from me, but I just think he's too stubborn to do it first. He did make it clear that he can't be with me now (which was probably a month ago), and I made it clear that I was leaving the door open to us getting back together until I had to move on... He might feel that it would take me longer to get a job and whatnot... He might feel like he has more time... That's the thing that I worry about.

If he were to decide in a month that he wanted to get back together, I'd probably try... But it would be REALLY hard.

I really don't know! I thought I was doing the right thing with NC!

he said, i cant be with you now. what people do in a situation like this is thinking what if?. you should never think like that. most people dont wanna hurt the other one and by saying i dont want this anymore youre most likely gonna do just that. by saying i cant do this right now will just make it easier for a shorter period of time. in fact you shouldnt think at all. you know what will be most important in your life. and if he doesnt wanna work for it then dont sit around waiting. either you move on and maybe if he contacts you then maybe you can work on it. or you simply talk to him, and if he isnt ready you move on.

theres just to much people in the world thinking what if?. cause when this happens and someone tells you not right now, we automatically want to believe, if i wait for him then it will be okey. but then we gotta ask ourselves, why arent they willing to work for "me" too.

October 25, 2013

Thanks for the feedback Chados.

I'm having a hard time deciding what to do still.

This is the battle that's going on in my mind.

A) I broke up with him... So I'm supposed to fight for him right? I think I was pretty clear about wanting to get back together with him, but I never acted desperate. I never really "fought" bc I was afraid that that would be counterproductive. I just made statements. "I miss you, I believe that our relationship can/will/and has been one that can last forever, I'm going to leave the door open, but I can't compromise on needing commitment and a child, unfortunately bc of the distance issue we will find ourselves in, the door can't stay open for long, I'm going to have to move on when I get a job."

B) I think that he's very stubborn and very prideful. If he thinks that I will turn him down for any reason, he will not approach. I think he's very fearful of rejection, especially since he feels he was once already by me (which he told me has never happened before)

C) I feel very confident that he still feels strongly for me.

D) I read on here where dumpees say the dumper has to fight pretty hard to get the dumpee back

E) I'm moving which means I'm going to be forced to move on very soon. I think he might know that as of today bc I had to put him on a tenant application for a new condo. So now he may think that I don't even care enough to tell him myself.

F) he thinks I cheated on him and I didn't :-(

I just don't know what to do... I don't want to feel like I'm doing the wrong thing either way... I can be satisfied with NC if everyone feels I've done what I should and it's his choice or not to contact now. I think he's pretty shocked that I haven't contacted him again bc we didn't leave on bad terms, in fact, we left with a lot of love and tears. The last thing he said was "we're still going to talk."

October 25, 2013

Thanks for the feedback Chados.

I'm having a hard time deciding what to do still.

This is the battle that's going on in my mind.

A) I broke up with him... So I'm supposed to fight for him right? I think I was pretty clear about wanting to get back together with him, but I never acted desperate. I never really "fought" bc I was afraid that that would be counterproductive. I just made statements. "I miss you, I believe that our relationship can/will/and has been one that can last forever, I'm going to leave the door open, but I can't compromise on needing commitment and a child, unfortunately bc of the distance issue we will find ourselves in, the door can't stay open for long, I'm going to have to move on when I get a job."

B) I think that he's very stubborn and very prideful. If he thinks that I will turn him down for any reason, he will not approach. I think he's very fearful of rejection, especially since he feels he was once already by me (which he told me has never happened before)

C) I feel very confident that he still feels strongly for me.

maybe he does. but its hard to tell, like i said sometimes its hard to hurt someone else. and he might feel that especially since you broke up with him that its hard to just go back. so instead of hurting you. he is saying maybe. which will only make it easier for a while. its a defensive strategy most people use. but if youre sure then i would say do what feels right.

D) I read on here where dumpees say the dumper has to fight pretty hard to get the dumpee back

this is not always true. it depends on how much in control you are in the relationship. i mean a person thats never had a girlfriend might take her back in a heartbeat because he thinks that shes the only one and that he cant get anyone else. this of course also happens to people who have had relationships before too. we're all different you know, and we act different in a situation when we dont see any way out. for example a depression might make you do stupid things when the brain wants one thing and the heart another.

E) I'm moving which means I'm going to be forced to move on very soon. I think he might know that as of today bc I had to put him on a tenant application for a new condo. So now he may think that I don't even care enough to tell him myself.

im not sure what this means since we havent got the same rules where i live. but i guess tell him?

F) he thinks I cheated on him and I didn't :-(

either he actually believe this. or he just wants to make sure that it didnt happen. or maybe he's just being defensive. whatever the reason is i dont think you should go defensive yourself.

I just don't know what to do... I don't want to feel like I'm doing the wrong thing either way... I can be satisfied with NC if everyone feels I've done what I should and it's his choice or not to contact now. I think he's pretty shocked that I haven't contacted him again bc we didn't leave on bad terms, in fact, we left with a lot of love and tears. The last thing he said was "we're still going to talk."

this i dont feel very positive about. everyone will tell you when they break up. lets still be friends. but it just never happens. its a way for the person who breaks up to kinda make themself look nicer. but in the end its only gonna hurt the other person. yes you told him that you could be together. but if you look more in to the situation. you broke up with him in a way that feels kinda demanding i guess you could say. if someone would tell me, we cant be together so i break up with you. but if you move here and quit your job we can.

instead of staying together, talking about it and working things out together you choosed to do it when youre not. i do understand that this is what you want but its still a lifechanging situation for him.

October 25, 2013

No, I'm saying that I will move there and change my life! Not the other way around!

October 26, 2013

No, I'm saying that I will move there and change my life! Not the other way around!

guess i kinda lost you somewhere. there was 3 guys right? and you want your first one back? the one that cheated on you? and this is also the guy who is telling you that youve been cheating with him? if thats the case i think that he might be feeling guilty and thats why he is blaming you. the bad thing about just forgiving someone whos been cheating is that it actually could make things worse. this is when you should show him that youre not someone he can just have whenever he wants. this can also make him feel more guilty because youre clearly to nice.

but anyways. if youre willing to move and change your life its really up to him. if he keeps telling you that he isnt sure then you gotta talk to him and ask him to be honest. if he wants to, im pretty sure he will tell you. dont sit around waiting.

October 29, 2013

Ok, so I texted him. He texted back and we had a short conversation...

Here it is:

Me: Hey sweetheart... What's my ___ login info?

Him: login _____ pw___

Me: Thanks:-)

Him: FYI: I put in to stop electric service on Nov 1st, so they will shut it off a few days after that if the owner or new tenant doesn't call and set up an account

Me: Ok... Thanks for keeping that on... I miss u

Him: welcome. miss you too

Me: :-) I'm moving to ______

Him: nice area, hope it works out for you.

Me: Thanks... Will u tell (the dog) that I miss him terribly? That if he wants to come live with me I'll let him sleep in the bed every night...

Anyway... He hasn't written back since that txt which was like an hour ago.

I was terrified to say anything that he might reject me with, so I tried to keep it light.

So... My question is... Should I try and be a little more forward? I worry bc I told him bf he left that once I move I would have to move on bc I wouldn't do long distance. I think I'd probably do it now the way I'm feeling, and since I just told him I'm moving, he might have thought that I was saying, "sorry, moving on"... Also, I think he's probably just if not more afraid of rejection, so I really don't know if I need to be incredibly forward or not... Argh!

October 29, 2013

its really hard to know what goes through his mind. you really get curious if someone doesnt answer for an hour dont you? its kinda redicilious but thats how we work i guess.

if i would be in his shoes and think that you were moving on i wouldnt answer. if it was me back in the days and i didnt have any life experience maybe i would have texted back. we are all different though. some people learn faster then others. i think however that you need to make clear to him what you want. being to forward might ruin it yes. but what if he doesnt know what you want? then you might ruin it anyways.

you have to realize that breaking up with him might make him much more worried about things. everything youre saying about missing him and the dog might make him think youre just being nice to him, especially since you said im moving to whatever the place is. i think you should tell him what you want, why you broke up with him etc. so he understands the whole situation. you play games if you get dumped not if youre the dumper.

October 29, 2013

But I don't know if I'm the dumper or the dumpee anymore... The last thing I told him is that I wanted to be with him:-/

October 29, 2013

I don't think NC designed for a situation like this. You 2 need to be communicating with each other as clear and honest as possible. Think about what you need to communicate to him and what you need from him in order for this to move forward. If you're not getting what you need then you need to move on and do your part to let him know exactly that. Game-playing/ambivalent contact from either of you is only going to cause problems.

I wouldn't worry about being "too forward". At least by communicating with him and letting him know exactly how you feel, you will have done your part and can move on with a clear conscience if it comes to that. If he keeps dragging his feet or isn't clear about he feels that's his problem, not yours and it's time for you to move on I think.

October 30, 2013

I don't think NC designed for a situation like this. You 2 need to be communicating with each other as clear and honest as possible. Think about what you need to communicate to him and what you need from him in order for this to move forward. If you're not getting what you need then you need to move on and do your part to let him know exactly that. Game-playing/ambivalent contact from either of you is only going to cause problems.

I wouldn't worry about being "too forward". At least by communicating with him and letting him know exactly how you feel, you will have done your part and can move on with a clear conscience if it comes to that. If he keeps dragging his feet or isn't clear about he feels that's his problem, not yours and it's time for you to move on I think.

i agree with this 100%. and youre the dumper. you gotta talk and show him what the reason was. and why you want to make things working.

November 1, 2013

Thanks lylatt and Chados... I've been busy moving...

So, I called him. I wouldn't say it went bad or good. I don't know what to make of it...

I called and left a vm night before last. He called back yesterday afternoon. At the beginning I tried to just ask how he was doing and stuff, but he asked why I was calling. I said I had a few business type things to talk to him about, but mainly I just wanted to chat with him... After I finished talking about the business things, I said, "can we just talk about things?", he said, "it depends on what you want to talk about"... I said, "well, why don't you tell me the things you don't want to talk about and I'll steer clear of those", he said, "I don't know what I don't want to talk about..." I said, ok, "do you want me to not talk about our relationship?" He said, "no, I don't know... I just don't want you to talk like we didnt have this..." I said " you mean our relationship?" He said, "yeah, don't act like it never happened"...

Hmmm... I really don't know what to make of that part, bc I got the distinct feeling that he wanted to steer clear of relationship talk, but then... What does that mean?

Anyway... We started talking about what we've been doing in some detail. He opened up, but seemed really awkward. At one point we both talked about the fact that we both wouldn't get home for the holidays, and I said, " I can come and make you thanksgiving dinner on thanksgiving and come home that night" he said, "that doesn't sound like much fun for you," (I would have to drive 3 hours each way), I said, "otherwise I'd be alone, it would be nice to spend it with you," he said " maybe," but he seemed pretty excited/surprised about it...

I don't know... It was both comfortable and uncomfortable... I think he was happy to talk to me, but I'm pretty certain that if I would have gotten deep into our relationship stuff he would have clammed up:-/... I don't know...

November 1, 2013

Hmm... I don't know if I were you I would be saying something like, "OK, where we are at right now is not working for me and I'm not going to stay uncertain anymore." He is obviously being non-committal, isn't being proactive about stepping up to the plate and taking a clear direction.

If you're fine with remaining in this mystery place, then you can stay there. But at some point it's going to get ultimatum-ish and you will have to take a clear course of action. I don't think a dragging relationship gets magically better all of a sudden. Someone has to say enough is enough and show they are serious about moving past it one way or another. I think your issue may be he's not giving you what you hope to see, but you don't have it in you to leave him so he can get away with being ho-hum about the state of affairs. Just my opinion.

So when he is being unclear if I were you I would come back like, "I'm sorry, but this isn't enough for me. I can't be in a relationship with you if you're not going to step up and make this work." And then be gone. Then it won't be the mystery of being in NC and wondering if he will reach out to you and you won't have to feel guilty or anything about moving on. You made it perfectly clear why you moved on and you can move towards a life without him. Because you're not going to be happy if he never gives you the level of commitment and security you're looking for. None of this is playing games or trying to use NC to get him back - all total and upfront honesty, which is what I think this situation calls for. And a backbone on your part.

Edited November 1, 2013 by lylat333

November 2, 2013

Thanks lylatt and Chados... I've been busy moving...

So, I called him. I wouldn't say it went bad or good. I don't know what to make of it...

I called and left a vm night before last. He called back yesterday afternoon. At the beginning I tried to just ask how he was doing and stuff, but he asked why I was calling. I said I had a few business type things to talk to him about, but mainly I just wanted to chat with him... After I finished talking about the business things, I said, "can we just talk about things?", he said, "it depends on what you want to talk about"... I said, "well, why don't you tell me the things you don't want to talk about and I'll steer clear of those", he said, "I don't know what I don't want to talk about..." I said, ok, "do you want me to not talk about our relationship?" He said, "no, I don't know... I just don't want you to talk like we didnt have this..." I said " you mean our relationship?" He said, "yeah, don't act like it never happened"...

Hmmm... I really don't know what to make of that part, bc I got the distinct feeling that he wanted to steer clear of relationship talk, but then... What does that mean?

Anyway... We started talking about what we've been doing in some detail. He opened up, but seemed really awkward. At one point we both talked about the fact that we both wouldn't get home for the holidays, and I said, " I can come and make you thanksgiving dinner on thanksgiving and come home that night" he said, "that doesn't sound like much fun for you," (I would have to drive 3 hours each way), I said, "otherwise I'd be alone, it would be nice to spend it with you," he said " maybe," but he seemed pretty excited/surprised about it...

I don't know... It was both comfortable and uncomfortable... I think he was happy to talk to me, but I'm pretty certain that if I would have gotten deep into our relationship stuff he would have clammed up:-/... I don't know...

i think he still likes you. and here is the reason why. he said dont act like it didnt happen which to me looks like, dont do like everyone else thats trying to keep friendship going with their exes because he doesnt want it to be that way. another reason is what he said about talking about the relationship "no, I don't know... I just don't want you to talk like we didnt have this"

personally i think that you dont understand him for the same reason he doesnt understand you. you both feel like youve been dumped. and i know that both me and a lot most other people cant think clear when that happens. thats why you see so many here on loveshack. its not unusual that the one who breaks up want to keep contact at least for a little while. then the dumpee gets twice as hurt. i think you need to tell him how you feel cause i dont think he understands.

November 30, 2013

It's been a while, but it's really taken this long to have any kind of update.

Lylatt, Chados... I think you are both right. I think he wants to be with me, but also doesn't know what in heck he wants and is terrified of commitment...

So... Still not a ton has happened, but I did take the general advice that I needed to be more forward with him. So... I'll let you read all conversations since my last post (not a ton)

Me: I feel terrified writing you this... but I guess that if I want you to know, then this is the way I must have to share it.

It occurred to me after we spoke last time, that maybe you hated how I just acted like we were friends and that nothing happened... I'm sorry if this was the case. It's not because I feel that way. I'm just having a hard time knowing how I should or shouldn't behave.

So... These are the things that I wanted to tell you.

I wish I would have communicated with you more.

I wish I would have cuddled with you more, touched you more, showed you more.

I love you... so much.

Nothing is the same without you. I want to share everything with you.

I miss you.

You are all I ever wanted.

________________________

There are a few business type things I wanted to talk about...

About 10 days later...

Him: We both could have done things differently throughout the course of our relationship, and wish we had at this point. I still find it hard to think about, much less talk about, so I'm not going to do that right now.

I will put the pictures...

Me: Thanks for writing back.

I understand. This whole thing sucks. I'm okay with not talking about it (you know me... Part of my problem;-)... Not talking about things), but I want to change and so I made myself vulnerable to let you know some things that I could and would change. If we can talk (or see each other), I would respect your desire either way.

It's hard not to share things with you... Or even really ask you stupid little things. Like today I asked why we haven't changed to minocycline, and the guy gave me a reason that seemed kind of silly... I wanted so badly to call you... But, I'm afraid to.

And then there's just the daily stuff that comes from being someone's everything. From sitting next to you on the couch after a bad day to sharing a new experience, to help with the stupid television which is broken. I want to go to haunted houses with you, and for you to grunt about me and my Christmas obsession (and your lack thereof), while I hang decorations on the tree. I want to make you meatloaf and curry chicken soup. I want you to take care of me as you always did. I want to make love with you.

That being said, I don't want you/us to have to talk about anything that makes you/us uncomfortable, but I do want you in my life. Can we try that? My offer is still open for thanksgiving... I've heard I make some mean mashed potatoes;-)

If you can't, I really do understand... It breaks my heart, but I've got to live with it. If you don't want to, I've got to stop trying. I can't be the only one initiating some kind of relationship with you... Honestly, it just hurts too badly. If I don't hear back from you on this, you won't hear from me again. I'll get the picture. I've never been one to stay where I'm not wanted;-)

Anyway, you can send the pictures...

About 3 days later which was yesterday:

Him: Yesterday would not have worked out, I didn't get home from work until 10:30pm.

I'm not sure what you want between us. Hell, I don't know what I want because it changes frequently when I think about it. It's just easier not to.

Me: not to what? I know what I want

Him: It's easier not to think about.

That's it! Any thoughts?

December 1, 2013

Sounds like you've told him everything you needed to tell him...

I remember reading your thread a long time ago... So maybe you have already answered these questions, but I'm curious.

If you do get back together with him, are you ok with not having children?

Also, what happened with the second guy?

December 1, 2013

Marisposa! Thank you so much for writing... I worried about getting any responses bc it's such an old thread and you'd have to read through quite a bit of chaos before you got to the point!

So, as far as the other guy... We're still friends. He's accepted that I can't be with him and is truly a wonderful person. Since I had to move (again), he lives about an hour and a half away, but pretty much the only friend I have even kind of close to here. I've worried a lot about his well being, but he assures me that I need to stop worrying.

As far as kids... Hmmm... That's a tough one. First things first... When I last saw him, I told him I wanted to be with him but I needed marriage and children. So... At this point I haven't told him otherwise, so I feel that he probably thinks that us getting back together is conditional on that.

Here's the thing though... I'm at a place now where I think I would be ok without as long as I had true commitment from him. I don't know if it's bc I just miss him so much that I'm willing to compromise myself again or not. I've always gone back and forth on the possibility in the past regardless of who I was with. I just always thought when push came to shove, that a family was part of my story.

I've thought about telling him that I'm okay without them, but I feel like we have to have an actual conversation for that to come up... What do you think?

Also, just bc I'm terribly curious for someone else's take on his responses, what do you think is going on in his head? I know no one can know, and I have my own thoughts, but it's nice to know what someone thinks who isn't involved.

December 1, 2013

Marisposa! Thank you so much for writing... I worried about getting any responses bc it's such an old thread and you'd have to read through quite a bit of chaos before you got to the point!

So, as far as the other guy... We're still friends. He's accepted that I can't be with him and is truly a wonderful person. Since I had to move (again), he lives about an hour and a half away, but pretty much the only friend I have even kind of close to here. I've worried a lot about his well being, but he assures me that I need to stop worrying.

As far as kids... Hmmm... That's a tough one. First things first... When I last saw him, I told him I wanted to be with him but I needed marriage and children. So... At this point I haven't told him otherwise, so I feel that

he probably thinks that us getting back together is conditional on that.

Here's the thing though... I'm at a place now where I think I would be ok without as long as I had true commitment from him. I don't know if it's bc I just miss him so much that I'm willing to compromise myself again or not. I've always gone back and forth on the possibility in the past regardless of who I was with. I just always thought when push came to shove, that a family was part of my story.

I've thought about telling him that I'm okay without them, but I feel like we have to have an actual conversation for that to come up... What do you think?

Also, just bc I'm terribly curious for someone else's take on his responses, what do you think is going on in his head? I know no one can know, and I have my own thoughts, but it's nice to know what someone thinks who isn't involved.

To refresh my memory, I read the first two pages...I don't know.

Are you sure he's the one? Whatever that means... You didn't seem to be satisfied with the relationship. You also said that he thinks you cheated on him? Is it because you dated the other guy? He shouldn't even be talking about it since he was the one who cheated on you.

How long have you guys been broke up? Has he initiated any contact?

Maybe you should give people a one paragraph summary that way you can get more feedback.

I feel like you were a forced dumper, he should also be working really hard for this relationship!

Edited December 1, 2013 by Mariposa10

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