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  • Author
Posted

Patience...

 

I only have a few minutes, but I wanted to respond to at least some of what you asked.

 

First, yeah, I see guy 2 relatively frequently outside of work, but recently I've cut that down pretty substantially. I don't think that's a bad sign though... She/I have to be able to get over that option and the only way to do that is contact. If she/I just left that other person still having the feelings of what if, we would never be able to move on and realize that person for what they really are...

 

I think that it's a good sign that she says not now bc that's exactly what I originally said (the only reason why I stopped was bc I didn't want to lead him on)

 

So, you asked about how I would feel if he moved out and appeared to be moving on... Well, that kind of happened last night, so I can tell you exactly how I felt. Last night he told me that he was taking off tomorrow and would be out of town. I deduced that he was going to interview somewhere and asked him if that was the case... Yup, it sure was... He is interviewing four hours away... I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I kept my cool and didnt freak out, but I am here to tell you, I was totally ready to take him back in that moment. It would be one thing for him to date someone or just move out and for us to live in the same city, but to lose all possibility of us being able to reconcile made me feel like the world was crashing down. I was already in a place where I wanted to start broaching the subject of us getting back together though... I had decided that I wanted to give it a few weeks to make sure I'd completely thought it through. But, just the idea of losing him so completely made me freak out pretty badly. In our situation there's no way we could make it work if he left this city. I didn't get back together with him last night... I didn't even talk to him about it... I'm trying really hard to make my decisions with a lot of thought and consideration. But, I'm getting closer every minute.

 

I know it's a little different with us bc I live/work with him. I'm assuming you can still move to where she is if she asked you to, right? I guess my point is, is that if you want to get action out of her, you need to recreate that scenario... The best way is probably to let her know that you are moving on by having NC? If you can come up with a better way, by all means...

 

Also, yes, I'm terrified that if I take him back those things won't really change or won't change permanently. I totally empathize with your GF.

 

I hope some of this helped... Let me know what you think.

Posted

For now I just want to say I find it fascinating how much more power the person ending things holds. Hate to think like this but it makes me wish I initiated the falling out between my ex and I. But she pulled the rug right out from under me and I lost whatever influence/control I previously had.

 

There are very specific moments where you feel that true sense of loss, and it makes a person go crazy.

  • Author
Posted

Lylatt...

 

Yeah, I can totally understand that. Truth be told though, I really don't feel like I have any control over the situation. From the beginning I thought that I would lose him for good. I thought I was just doing what he was scared of doing...

 

Is something going on that's making things worse today?

  • Author
Posted

In this moment, I'm so wanting to get back together with my ex. I think, however, it's really important that I try and really reflect on what things were really like before I consider getting back together with him. Knowing both of us, if we do get back together, we'll never break up, so I really need to make the right decision... I've never articulated all of this before, so bear with me...

 

When I say that he didn't show me love, I'm not talking about some unrealistic expectation of love... For example, since our fist couple of months in the relationship he hasn't touched me other than when he wants sex. Literally, no hand on the leg or shoulder or holding hands or anything. I mean, he wants to have sex with me regularly, but there's literally no foreplay... I mean no kissing nothing. He's a pretty big guy and I'm relatively small... Anyway, he gets pretty aggressive with me... He in no way is abusive, but I flinch almost every time he comes near me:-/ for example, if he wants sex, we'll just be sitting there and he'll give me a titty twister!!! This is a daily occurrence. If he wants to have sex and we're both laying on opposite sides of the bed, he'll twist my arm back behind me and drag me across the bed. Those are just a couple of examples... I don't think we've had an open mouthed kiss in 2 years btw.

 

Also, he never says I'm beautiful. I asked him once about this and he said "everyone tells you are beautiful and you know you are." So I responded, "but I only care that you think I am."... It never changed.

 

So... This stuff on top of him cheating on me... Which, btw, I have a feeling he was doing it more than just the once... The week before we started talking about breaking up, he went to go for a week trip with his guy friends and convienently forgot to tell me that the night before he left he "had" to stay at his ex gfs house bc there wasn't enough room at the guys house... Then the noncommittal to either me or having kids, were all factors.

 

On the flip side there was tons of good. I had a really bad year this past year and he's been a rock. So supportive. He seems to be at his best when he's dealing with a crisis. Though it took him a while to decide to do so, he left a much better paying, securer job to come and be with me.

 

I've always thought we are very similar people. Similar upbringing, similar education, similar interests, similar takes on life period. We really enjoy doing things together. We have a true partnership. Our sex life is good (plentiful) minus my concerns above... We NEVER fight (partly bc I never bring up any issues)... We have a lot of history together. And when I think of him the one word I would use to describe him is "home"... We laugh together... He knows all of my bad and loves me just the same.

Posted

Ah, it's been a tough past few days. I'm actually looking into finding something to do with my dog today (i.e. relinquishing her, taking her back to the humane society), I am pretty sad about but believe it's for the better.

 

I started reading, "Getting Past Your Breakup" last night, which I'm happy about. Normally I feel like I have to force myself to read, but if it weren't for the fact I had to go to bed I could probably read it in one sitting.

 

I know it's easy for someone on the outside to say but it seems like your relationship with your ex is based solely around comfort, you seem to pretty much know that. You both deserve better, and things can be better. I think your emotions are so fluid right now because you're not sure what it is you want.

  • Author
Posted

Oh no! I'm so sorry about your dog... Why do you have to do that?

 

I'm glad you are enjoying your book:-)

 

You are probably right about us. I was trying to focus on the bad today bc all I seem to think about is the good nowadays... So it probably sounds worse than it is... But, that being said, if things stayed the same I would probably be unhappy. I just feel like things would change... Not everything but I think he'd definitely commit completely to me... That he would be excited about having a child... I'm not certain he'd change in his grabbiness, but I think he would try... In the week that we were talking about breaking up, he said that he hates that I flinch and that he would try not being so aggressive, but literally the next day he did it again saying "I can't help it." I do think he'd be more loving in general, but I'm worried it wouldn't last that long... I think he'd try to make me feel beautiful.

 

Argh!

Posted
In this moment, I'm so wanting to get back together with my ex. I think, however, it's really important that I try and really reflect on what things were really like before I consider getting back together with him. Knowing both of us, if we do get back together, we'll never break up, so I really need to make the right decision... I've never articulated all of this before, so bear with me...

 

When I say that he didn't show me love, I'm not talking about some unrealistic expectation of love... For example, since our fist couple of months in the relationship he hasn't touched me other than when he wants sex. Literally, no hand on the leg or shoulder or holding hands or anything. I mean, he wants to have sex with me regularly, but there's literally no foreplay... I mean no kissing nothing. He's a pretty big guy and I'm relatively small... Anyway, he gets pretty aggressive with me... He in no way is abusive, but I flinch almost every time he comes near me:-/ for example, if he wants sex, we'll just be sitting there and he'll give me a titty twister!!! This is a daily occurrence. If he wants to have sex and we're both laying on opposite sides of the bed, he'll twist my arm back behind me and drag me across the bed. Those are just a couple of examples... I don't think we've had an open mouthed kiss in 2 years btw.

 

Also, he never says I'm beautiful. I asked him once about this and he said "everyone tells you are beautiful and you know you are." So I responded, "but I only care that you think I am."... It never changed.

 

So... This stuff on top of him cheating on me... Which, btw, I have a feeling he was doing it more than just the once... The week before we started talking about breaking up, he went to go for a week trip with his guy friends and convienently forgot to tell me that the night before he left he "had" to stay at his ex gfs house bc there wasn't enough room at the guys house... Then the noncommittal to either me or having kids, were all factors.

 

On the flip side there was tons of good. I had a really bad year this past year and he's been a rock. So supportive. He seems to be at his best when he's dealing with a crisis. Though it took him a while to decide to do so, he left a much better paying, securer job to come and be with me.

 

I've always thought we are very similar people. Similar upbringing, similar education, similar interests, similar takes on life period. We really enjoy doing things together. We have a true partnership. Our sex life is good (plentiful) minus my concerns above... We NEVER fight (partly bc I never bring up any issues)... We have a lot of history together. And when I think of him the one word I would use to describe him is "home"... We laugh together... He knows all of my bad and loves me just the same.[/QUOTE]

 

I have been married for 30 years.

 

This ^^ is what gets a married couple through the tough times. I don't see it as a compromise or lack of passion as some folks may, but that when you are sick and need your woobie and home is your spouse it's great. I am not being very eloquent.

 

In my previous post I mentioned that you need to fully address your first relationship, without comparing to the second, untested one.

 

If you can work on the relationship issues and get BF1 to make some adjustments does the relationship with him work? Counseling?

 

There is a book called the Five Love Languages, sounds like it would be helpful in your case too.

 

If your first relationship can't recover... Then you can start back with R2, but I do think you need to completely stop non work related interaction until you decide.

  • Author
Posted

It is what it is...

 

Thanks for your response. I tend to agree with you.

 

I had decided to try and talk to ex. I was going to last night, but he went out to a meet up to meet some people. I decided to go out with a friend and have a few drinks. He asked me to take the dog out bc he was going straight out, but then I found out he went home first, so I asked it he took the dog out. He got infuriated at me for asking, basically saying, do what you want, I'm done with you. Anyway... Then later he asked if he should board the dog tomorrow (which is today), bc he is going to this interview. I said, of course I will take care of him... I love him and always do... I then asked where this anger was coming from and he wrote:

 

it's coming from the questions I get from you whenever I do something while you do whatever pleases you just live your life and I'll live mine, if I need something from you I'll ask, and if you need something from, just ask. lets leave it at that and it'll be fine.

 

Then I got home a little while later, asked him what was going on and he just yelled... Honestly, I can't even remember what he said, bc I had drank a little, but I know he was angry. I do remember at one point I said something like, "I'd really like for us to talk about working on our relationship," but he just kept talking over me and wouldn't even acknowledge what I said.

 

I'm thinking that maybe I waited too long? I don't know... Maybe I should just move on?

Posted
It is what it is...

 

Thanks for your response. I tend to agree with you.

 

I had decided to try and talk to ex. I was going to last night, but he went out to a meet up to meet some people. I decided to go out with a friend and have a few drinks. He asked me to take the dog out bc he was going straight out, but then I found out he went home first, so I asked it he took the dog out. He got infuriated at me for asking, basically saying, do what you want, I'm done with you. Anyway... Then later he asked if he should board the dog tomorrow (which is today), bc he is going to this interview. I said, of course I will take care of him... I love him and always do... I then asked where this anger was coming from and he wrote:

 

it's coming from the questions I get from you whenever I do something while you do whatever pleases you just live your life and I'll live mine, if I need something from you I'll ask, and if you need something from, just ask. lets leave it at that and it'll be fine.

 

Then I got home a little while later, asked him what was going on and he just yelled... Honestly, I can't even remember what he said, bc I had drank a little, but I know he was angry. I do remember at one point I said something like, "I'd really like for us to talk about working on our relationship," but he just kept talking over me and wouldn't even acknowledge what I said.

 

I'm thinking that maybe I waited too long? I don't know... Maybe I should just move on?

 

It may be too late...but his anger is legitimate to the situation isn't it?

 

And he would not be angry if he still did not care.

 

I am going to suggest some reading...look up the physiological effect of love and loss. You need to understand your reactions to all of this as well as his.

 

You also need to react like this was an affair and both of you need to heal from those.

 

If he won't/can't listen to you write him a letter. But remember you need to start with love and apology and not blame.

 

Schedule infidelity couples counselor for you guys proactively. See if you can fix it.

 

Good luck

Posted (edited)
Oh no! I'm so sorry about your dog... Why do you have to do that?

 

The last I ever heard from my ex was a nightmare of a night. I was coming down to rock bottom... woke up at 6:30 the next morning and had my mind made up I was going to get a dog, even though I've never had one. (I had thought about it before) It was a hasty decision, even though I can't say I regret it. No one was comforting me and it felt like a dog was the only thing to get me through the coming days. Something to force me to think about something other than myself and my ex. I even thought it could help get my ex back... she always thought I should get a dog. She had one too, I thought it would show her I'm changing and fantasized about being able to take our dogs on a walk together and see them play together... I think they would have gotten along wonderfully.

 

The problem is I live alone, and it's too much for me. She's done a lot of damage and isn't fully house-trained yet, and even though I know I could continue to work on all that I feel I don't develop as close of a bond with pets as a lot of people do. If the dog isn't for me I would rather get rid of it sooner than later. I told myself I would give it at least a month, I wanted to give it at least 3 months but now it's becoming too much. It's a very difficult situation and decision, but I feel I was able to give her a home for a while and I'll be able to donate a lot back with her like extra food and her kennel which is nice.

 

Sorry to get off-topic. Last night I felt I relapsed, cried twice... started to get that hollow feeling in my chest and dreamed about her again.

 

Lostfairie, I do think you should do your best to take advantage of the communication you have with your ex, even if it is lacking. Couples counseling may be a good idea, it is professional input that will help you feel confident in what you 2 decide to do. I would give so much to go back and be able to communicate with my ex again. We did talk about "us" a couple of times... but I really don't think either of us took it seriously enough even though we thought we were trying. Now I'm left completely confused, feeling it fell apart way too soon. Then again, we had months where things weren't great, but I believe it could have been so much better.

Edited by lylat333
Posted

Hi Lostfairie,

 

Being in his shoes, I totally understand his reaction. I was also very angry about her indecision / what she had done to me a few weeks ago. She didn't really see it because we don't live together anymore but I also sort of yelled at her over the phone. I don't think it's a sign that he doesn't love you or doesn't want you anymore, but he is just tired of the situation. Give him a few days to calm down and then try to talk to him again. This will also give you time to think about what you really want. If he accepts, couple therapy is a great idea to help you deal with him cheating on you.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

Thanks guys... You are all great:-)

 

Lylatt... I'm so sorry about your dog... I'm sure it's for the best, but that doesn't make it any easier. My dog died last year and it was the hardest thing I've ever experienced (I know that might sound dramatic, but for many years she was my whole life). Anyway, regardless of your bond, it's still a loss and probably not easy given your situation.

 

It is what it is... I do understand his anger. I think I actually said something like "I totally appreciate that you are going through this stage of loss" last night (I know, I know an awful thing to say, but I was drunk and I just wanted him to stop yelling at me.) I think counseling might be a good idea, but I can't see him going for it.

 

Patience... I think it's a good plan to just leave him be for a few days then try to talk to him again. That's what I'll do. It's just so hard to know whether I'm doing the right thing... I really do appreciate you being here, it's good to have the perspective from the other side of this equation. How are things going with your girl? Have you been talking to her?

Posted

You need to show proactive willingness to fix yourself and the relationship.

 

IC for you and couples counseling for both, send him the date and time and ask him to attend.

 

YOU NEED TO BE TAKING THE INITIATIVE.

  • Like 1
Posted

Thank you very much for the support. :)

 

Thanks guys... You are all great:-)

I think counseling might be a good idea, but I can't see him going for it.

 

I understand this feeling from him, some people just don't like the idea of going somewhere for help. Either they think they don't need it, it doesn't work, or they are too prideful.

 

You might be able to change his mind if you show him you're sincere about it. Don't just mention it in passing as that's effortless to blow off.

 

Say something like, "Our relationship is really important to me and I hope it is to you, too. It means enough to me I think it deserves this." Try to get him to agree to at least 3 visits. You have nothing to lose by going. Increased understanding between you two will give you more clarity.

Posted

Lostfairie ... are you sure you're not my (ex) girlfriend? lol. Except for a few details, she would have written the exact same comments as in your post of yesterday.

 

She was also telling me that I did not demonstrate my love for her enough, that I didn't grab her hand often enough, that I didn't tell her that I love her often enough unless she asks, that I rarely initiated foreplay, etc

 

The positive aspects seem very similar too ... we can talk about anything for hours, we love travelling together, and with me it feels like home, it feels like family, it's comfortable. We also have a lot of history together, laugh a lot, and always enjoy each other's company. She says I am her best friend but she is missing some romance.

 

Do you also think that you would not have been attracted to someone else if your boyfriend was showing enough affection?

 

To answer your questions, yes, I would be able to move to where she is relatively quickly if she decides that she wants me back. We were in low contact for the last 3-4 weeks but I just got an email from her today. Nothing about the relationship, but she is asking if I would like to have a skype conversation in the coming days. What do you think? Should I let her talk and see what she wants to talk about? If she doesn't mention our relationship, should I bring up the topic? I am afraid she just wants to talk as friends. I tried to be rather positive about my life in my last email to her, but do you think I should be open about how sad I am without her? Most posters on LS recommend to be as positive as possible because she won't be attracted to me if she hears that I am still sad and have a hard time coping. But I don't want to lie to her either and tell her that I am having the time of my life without her. It's just not true and she probably knows it. Does any of this matter to you?

 

I was also relatively against therapy before the breakup. I always thought that therapists were for the weaks and I would never need one (stupid male pride). Now I regret that I did not propose to go see a couple therapist together before she broke up with me. I hope your boyfriend will agree to go with you if it's what you want to do.

Posted

I'm going to be frank and honest with you, OP. I don't think you and your ex are a good match for a myriad of reasons. Mostly, I think the only reason you are so interested in reconciling with him is because you are comfortable with him and because you love him. It has nothing to do with who he is as a person, how your relationship works, or who you are with him.

 

Just in this thread, you have excused a lot of his behavior. It's the same thing you did when he cheated- you excused it and I think that, that's a pattern for you with this man. Even the issue of children, you were willing to simply give that up to accommodate him. It shouldn't be like that. There's so much bad, but you want to ignore it because you love him and because the two of you have a life together and a history.

 

I personally think all that would be worth throwing away to find someone who is faithful and better suited to accommodate your needs and desires in life.

  • Author
Posted

I just wanted to stop in and say I'm sorry I haven't replied guys! I keep trying to get to it and I want to give all of you a thoughtful reply.... Bc everyone has been so great, but I've been incredibly busy...

 

I'll try tonight, but I'll definitely do it by tomorrow...

Posted

How is it going Lostfairie? Have you talked to your boyfriend again? Still want him back?

  • Author
Posted

Hey guys...

 

Sorry I've sucked at writing back.

 

So, to address heartshaped and it is what it is. Y'all's differing opinions are exactly the battle that's going on in my head. On one hand, I do think that what we share is worth fighting for, on the other, I don't know why this man I was so devoted to for so long could really have treated me this way.

 

Patience... I'm going to try and give you a more detailed answer later, but...right now, and for the past few days, I've wanted to be with him. Unfortunately, at this point, he's behaving in a way that makes me wonder if he does want to be together with me, which makes me want to run... I mean, that was the problem in the first place, right? Me never knowing what he wanted? Him not committing? So, why should I try when he's not "available". Who knows? It may be some version of "no contact," to try and get me to love him, but how and heck do I differentiate that and him still not willing to commit?! So... I guess I go back on NC for now (sorry to be fickle;-))... I'd just say, give her enough rope to hang her, but also be able to support her if she's choking (really bad analogy, but, oh well;-))

 

How are things going with y'all?

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

Anything new, Lostfairie? We're all waiting for an update!

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

I know it's been a while but I also wanted to know if anything new was going on. How are you, Lostfairie? Did you ever solve the mystery of the dress?

Posted

Yes, I'd definitely like to know updates! Someone linked this on another thread, and I can tell you that I am in the position of BF1, except I never cheated on my ex. But reading through your thread has helped me understand a little bit more what my ex might be going through. I recently threw NC at him because I got tired of having to put 100% into showing him what made me the right choice for him when he would just be putting in maybe 75% at best. He's waffling between me and some girl he knows at work, I know, and I don't think the other girl is anything that serious or even a threat in the long run, but it's hard having to keep only your good face out all the time, especially when you're not sure if it's okay to show all the angles again. It was draining me, and with the rest of life... well... I can understand why BF1 was frustrated. Because I got frustrated, and that's why I went NC. I want my ex, whom I still love and would like to spend my life with to not take me for granted and actually make steps to choose me, instead of it more being like I'm just a good option. I know it's a little different from your situation, but I hope it helps maybe help you understand all the angles? I hope things are becoming more clear for you, and sorry to just jump in!

  • 1 month later...
  • Author
Posted

Hey guys... Are you still there? I checked back for like a week but never heard anything back... Things got pretty awful, but they are looking up.

 

I'll update if I hear anything back from you...

 

I hope you are doing well!

Posted

I for one am still here and all ears for anything you'd like to share.

  • Author
Posted

Ok, so it went pretty much downhill from the last time that I posted.

 

Almost immediately after my last post, I decided I wanted to get back together with my bf.

 

He was out of town that weekend and seemed pretty angry. When he returned I told him that I wanted to get back together. He produced one of the letters that guy 2 had written me about a week after we had broken up. Just one of his standard "you mean the world to me and I'm so in love with you" kind of letters. He was angry bc he couldn't possibly see or believe that I hadn't cheated on him with this guy if he had had such strong feelings for me a week after the breakup. I tried to set him straight, but he just would not not believe me.

 

So, anyway, needless to say he said no. Bc it's important to the rest of this story, let me tell you how he found out... Some anonymous person had sent it to him in the mail. Weird, right?

 

So, I go into work the next day and the owner sits me down and pulls out the same letter! This person not only sent it to my bf, but also the owner!!! And, I got fired. Seriously bad crap. :-(

 

I can go into more detail about any of this, but I'm trying to get to present day bc it's a really long story if I tell it in its entirety.

 

So, the next day I left... I drove to my families houses in NY and stayed there for 3 weeks. My bf (ex) found a job about 4 hours away from our current home and was supposed to leave October 1. I was planning on staying away until he left but I got a job interview that I had to return for about 4 days bf he was supposed to leave. I contacted him a few times about moving plans, but other than that we didnt really talk. I missed him so much though.

 

I returned and we spent a few days together and it was good and bad. He left for a day bf moving and I went to a hotel so I wouldn't have to be there while he was leaving. While at the hotel he texted me:

I'm kinda glad we spent a little time together for what it's worth, and part of me kinda wishes you were here tonight, for what that's worth as well

 

He left the following day. The day after that he came back to get something and spent the night. We were intimate. He stayed all day the following day and acted like he didnt want to leave, but he did and cried when he did.

 

So... Anyway, it's been 2.5 weeks since then. I got a new job, but I haven't started working yet. I'm moving about and hour and a half away. He doesn't even know. I texted him once bc we got the condo rented to let him know that he didnt have to keep paying for his half. He texted me back:

That sounds good, it would be a relief for the both of us to get it rented. I hope you are doing well also.

 

Anyway. I was doing ok, but the past 5 days or so have been pretty rough. I miss him like crazy and I want to talk to him so badly, but I feel like at this point the ball would be in his court. I don't really know though:-/

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