Rory Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Right, so im looking for a bit of guidance on this one - Me and my wife have four sons: 13, 16 & 18 year old twins. Our 16 year old has been friends with this girl since they, must of been like 13 ish. Now she is a really nice girl underneath, and he's a bright girl but shes never been an angel but recently shes been getting more and 'out of control' - drinking too much, skipping school, getting mixed up with the wrong guys, she can be quite self destructive. Shes not got a very good home life, social services wouldn't have a problem but still. She lived with her mum till she was like 12 when she had to move in with her dad cause her mum wanted to travel more easily. And her dad wasn't too keen cause he had a new missus and baby. Which I must say I just cant get my head around - I would of died for my kids from the moment that I first held them, I loved them unconditionally, how you can not want to be with your kids is beyond me! I think the problems came from her acting out for a bit of attention probably which only made her relationship with her dad & his missus worse right up till we get to where we are now. Sometimes she'll come and stay with us for a bit and it is frustrating because we make real progress with her - like she'll be in a real state when it gets so bad that she comes to stay at ours and shes, shes got a big wall built round herself but she will actually genuinely talk to me and my missus about the way she feels from having a cry about the fact she feels lonely to saying that she does want to change to road her lifes going down. And you know by the time she leaves after one or two weeks she is doing better, she chills out, she makes steps to sort her life out, and then she goes home and it all just goes full circle again. She was staying with us last week and packing so I was like 'You off home again Rylie?' and she said to me 'ah I don't have a home Rory.. not really' to which I was telling her that shes always welcome to stay with up, which is the truth and then she asks me if she could live with us.. I don't really know what to do on that one - she says her dad wouldn't have a problem with it and sadly shes probably right on that front and yeah on one hand I really do think we could do a lot of good with her, we like having her about, and trouble might be her middle name but I was always written off as 'trouble' as a teen and I know how I felt "if that's what people expect me to be then I might as well be", I think you need to show someone you trust them to get them to trust you. But on the other hand - I don't want to get in the way of her and her dad and possibly ruin any chance of them salvaging a relationship, I don't want to rock the boat too much for my boys - more Cole than the others as he's younger, and I don't know if its even legal. So yeah, so advice would be great!!
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 22, 2013 Posted August 22, 2013 I assume you haven't talked to the dad? I think my first step would be to meet him and let him know of your concerns. If that isn't feasible, you should contact the school therapist. Let them know of the concerns and see if they can intervene. I agree that your first efforts should be to help them repair their relationship. He may just be dense...
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 (edited) Four teenage boys in a house, and you are contemplating inviting a teenage girl into the house on a permanent basis??? I cannot stress enough the significance of her neither being a blood relative, nor being someone who was raised under that roof from infancy. My only advice to you is keep the shed locked!!!! PS - There once was a really nice, maturing teen on this board named Kevin. You might do well to acquaint yourself with his story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/252533-my-step-sister-acting-weird . Edited August 23, 2013 by SincereOnlineGuy
Author Rory Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 I assume you haven't talked to the dad? I think my first step would be to meet him and let him know of your concerns. If that isn't feasible, you should contact the school therapist. Let them know of the concerns and see if they can intervene. I agree that your first efforts should be to help them repair their relationship. He may just be dense... I have tried talking to him! It's difficult, I talked to him the last time she stayed with us and he was like "look that girl needs to learn she's not the center of the universe. I won't put up with her just coming back when she's hungry, one day she'll find I've changed the locks. If you want to run round after her, put a roof over her head, that's your beef. But I don't need a guy who was barely out of nappies when he became a father to tell me how to parent" He just winds me up...I can't have a reasonable conversation with him! I think he's a jerk but he is the only dad she's got hence why I don't want to, like i say, get in the way of them fixing there relationship.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 23, 2013 Posted August 23, 2013 I have tried talking to him! It's difficult, I talked to him the last time she stayed with us and he was like "look that girl needs to learn she's not the center of the universe. I won't put up with her just coming back when she's hungry, one day she'll find I've changed the locks. If you want to run round after her, put a roof over her head, that's your beef. But I don't need a guy who was barely out of nappies when he became a father to tell me how to parent" He just winds me up...I can't have a reasonable conversation with him! I think he's a jerk but he is the only dad she's got hence why I don't want to, like i say, get in the way of them fixing there relationship. Nice...school therapist it is then. Be the one she can talk to, but you need to look after your boys too.
Author Rory Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 Four teenage boys in a house, and you are contemplating inviting a teenage girl into the house on a permanent basis??? I cannot stress enough the significance of her neither being a blood relative, nor being someone who was raised under that roof from infancy. My only advice to you is keep the shed locked!!!! PS - There once was a really nice, maturing teen on this board named Kevin. You might do well to acquaint yourself with his story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/252533-my-step-sister-acting-weird . Haha yeah I do understand that... That's not a big concern for me, their good lads, plus our Cole is too young, our twins have long term girlfriends, one of whom actually lived with us for a year last year cause her parents transfered to australia, and that was fine - the boys are very sure on not making a play on your brothers girl and I think rylie has been friends with Rhys long enough that they'd consider her a no go anyway.
Author Rory Posted August 23, 2013 Author Posted August 23, 2013 Nice...school therapist it is then. Ain't he just! Yeah she does actually see the school therapist, once a fortnight I think. Be the one she can talk to, but you need to look after your boys too. Yeah totally totally our doors always open to her but my boys are always my number one priority!
almond Posted August 24, 2013 Posted August 24, 2013 The best thing you can do is help her help herself. Help and encourage her to seek out the appropriate services (therapy etc.). Be supportive and push her towards working on herself and her issues, and becoming independent.
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