Cup-of-Jo Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I have decided to end my 10 year relationship/5 year marraige. My husband is a sex addict and is constantly purchasing "women of the night". Our intimate relationship is slim to none as in maybe 3 times a year. Here's the thing...He's great other than that! There are a few things that irritate me about him but they would really be trivial to me if the cheating wasn't involved. So I am having a hard time putting space between us. I try to be friends with him bc of our son but then he just comes over to the house and acts like he lives here for the time being and then leaves after a few hours. While he is here he tells me he loves me, hugs me when he leaves, even asked for a kiss on the cheek then turned his head and got the lip kiss! I don't want to be mean bc he really is great in all other ways and has taken good care of me and our son. The problem is that I get so angry when I find out about these other women I can't control my emotions and cry or stay in bed for days. I am going to school and have had to leave school bc I was an emotional wreck. Is there anyway to remain friends with someone you are divorcing? He thinks bc I have been a stay at home mom and it's all "his money" that he should do with it as he pleases and as long as I am taken care of financially. He says, "Who is to judge what is right or wrong and comes up with the guidelines of what is right or wrong?" maybe he's right and I'm wrong for not being okay with it. He almost has me believing it. Anyways...I'm stressed and lonely and I miss his company yet at the same time he does the same thing over and over. Is there a way to be friends with someone you are divorcing? I'm not a mean person but really wish I was. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
RightThere Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 As long as you will be OK with him telling you all about his conquests with hookers after your divorce, then by all means remain friends. Maybe swap stories about the STDs you now have in common because he is unfaithful? Beyond communication around raising your children, you don't need to be friends with someone who doesn't respect you. 1
Author Cup-of-Jo Posted August 20, 2013 Author Posted August 20, 2013 He never spoke of them at all. I did a lot of snooping and pryed it out of him or his "friends" spoke up when they were mad at him. He says that he was safe but that could just be another lie. I try to look at it as a sickness like any other disease and this is why I try to be nice to him but continue on with the divorce. Thanks for your input, sharp and to the point.
Mystery2Me Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Dear Cup of Joy, I am so very sorry you are in pain and dealing with the tale-tale fall out of a serial cheater. Once upon a time I too adopted this very same posture of ignoring the blantant dis-respect whilst choosing to focusing on the few positives cheater-cheatee relationship. A good test is...Would you advise a loved one to survive on the meager relationship crumbs you have choosen exist on? Truth is (I've been there) you are accepting, accomidating, and tolerating a husband that is boldly emotionally disrespecting you. Although the emotional bruises are often easier to conceal than physical bruises....you are being battered. Stop it for your own sake, because he will leave you when you are at your weakest.......and the road to redemption will only be longer. Take care of YOU 1
RightThere Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 He says that he was safe but that could just be another lie. I could tell you I was "safe" juggling chainsaws. However I'm still juggling chainsaws and not apples. I try to look at it as a sickness like any other disease and this is why I try to be nice to him but continue on with the divorce. Fair enough if you want to consider him "addicted" to his vice. However you shouldn't enable him by being nice while he continues to disrespect you. 2
CarrieT Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 IHe says, "Who is to judge what is right or wrong and comes up with the guidelines of what is right or wrong?" maybe he's right and I'm wrong for not being okay with it. He almost has me believing it. This is what is known as Gaslighting. Google it... He is trying to manipulate you into believing what HE wants and - being the weaker of the two in the relationship - you are buying into his psycho-drama. Personally, I don't think I could be friends with someone who was so disrespectful of me as a partner the way he has been with you. Also, think of your son. Do you want to teach your son that what your husband is doing to you (and your family) is okay to do to women? This is the defining moment in how you raise your son to be a future husband and father. By allowing your husband to get away with this, you are demonstrating that this type of behaviour is acceptable and allowed and that it is okay to abuse and lie to a spouse.
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