ShannonBanana Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I'm such a sucker! 9 days ago I told my WAH that I need to minimise our communications because he was emailing and calling me almost everyday and I needed some space to get myself together. I told him "unless we are discussing rebuilding our marriage the kindest thing you can do for me is let me move on without all the unnecessary contact." 8 days later (yesterday) he sends me an IM message on Skype (I didn't know I was logged in) asking if he could call me. And I agreed, thinking it must be something important since I made my conditions for communicating clear. He gets me on the phone and he just wants to 'say hi' and I have an awkward chat with him for about 5 minutes and get off the phone. He seems really sad about our separation, almost a little messed up about it. I am empathetic towards his situation and the reasons he wanted to quit the marriage (even though I don't agree and think a he is also big part of the problem), but I feel like just got suckered into a conversation I didn't want to have. And then he mentioned he felt sad when he thinks of me going through the same feelings he has. So I told him not to feel guilty on my account, that I was focused on being positive despite the circumstances and my return home. And I am. I told him that I hope he gives himself permission to let go of the guilt. But then feel like I was too nice and understanding. Agggh! I am so mad at myself for going back on what I said I needed. I feel like he's just using me to feel better until he is ready to galavant off to Paris to live a great life without me. I feel like I am enabling him to do this kind of thing and I need to stop. I couldn't sleep last night from thinking about the conversation. I've turned off my home phone ringer (no caller ID) and I didn't respond to his last email he sent today. If anyone has any other thoughts on how to forgive myself for the slip up and cut it off completely, I'd love to hear them.
ForeverHopeful1 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Oh, jeesh, don't be upset with yourself at all. Its not about how many times you get knocked down. Its about the amount of times you get back up. You're doing great. Your outlook is inspirational and uplifting. Please have faith in you. This is a minor slip up. Reiterate your stance by ignoring him. Telling him numerous times to not speak to you will make him think you're not serious because you have given in If it is important he can leave the details in your email. He doesn't need to call and say hi. You're right on that. Thinking of you. Xoxoxo I really do feel you are doing a good job here. Hang in there.
Author ShannonBanana Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Thank you ForEverHopeful1. xx
Oberfeldwebel Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 Shannon, You beat yourself up if you want, but it is not fruitful. Let's face it you are a kind and compassionate person and he is still a self-centered person. He will in years to come realize what a good life you too could have had together, unfortunately that is far in the future and you will have found someone who appreciates a loving, kind and compassionate mate. Another good thing is you already know what you have to heal from this situation. It is like being on a diet and you eat a doughnut for breakfast, OK fine, but now back on the diet. This obviously will take time to heal, but I have confidence you have a bright future ahead. 1
Author ShannonBanana Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 No cheating, no other person. Just a long, annoying story that led to the breakdown of a marriage. Here is a synopsis: The synopsis is that I was scheduled to get this major double jaw operation at home in Cali and was excited to get it (to correct my severe overbite) when he put the wheels in motion to move us to the UK with his work and without my desire to move here. I actively protested moving here, but ultimately he won as I got the distinct impression he would resent me for life if I dug my heels in and hindered our move to Europe. So my surgery had to be postponed for 2 years not to mention the debacle of trying to get it done here. I haven't liked living in Edinburgh and have felt my wishes to wait to move to Europe at that time was not respected in a major way. This fact, other similar behavior and other issues like emotional abuse led to me feeling very resentful and ultimately part of the breakdown of our intimacy and marriage. Looking back there was a long stream of similar problems where when we had a clash of what we thought was best, my wishes different than his, he most often had to have his way. Having his way was the most important thing to him. Still is. By the time the surgery was over when I knew I would be able to actively stand up for myself it was too little/too late to repair the marriage from my end. And that is the short of it.
Author ShannonBanana Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 (edited) Although I know my reasons for the below behavior, my part in the demise of our marriage, as I see it, was this: I stopped responding to him sexually. And in an area that I was once very 'healthy' I flat out stopped desiring him. I became depressed and stressed out and threw in the towel on my appearance. I also had the behaviours of someone that was depressed. I should have put an end to *his* dysfunctional behaviour from the beginning by ending the relationship - as my repeated attempts to get him to see how his behaviours were hurtful were totally lost on him. My therapist at the time even told me me I should leave and never turn back because he seemed to have a real issue respecting my wishes. He was a great guy in other ways so I didn't want to just give up. Now 5 years later, it's clear that he will never recognise the problems he brings too. So, I was very wrong in my hope for the future. Edited August 21, 2013 by ShannonBanana
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