foldingaces Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I have been divorced for 2 years now. When I got married, I had an insecure wife, which entailed that I lost most of my good friends because she didn't want me hanging with them from time to time. So it was just me, her, and our son. I have tried to catch up with them again, but they have all moved on to their own lives with their own wives/husbands and families. Now since my divorce, I have dated here and there, but nothing solid comes of it. I don't hold my exes issues against anyone I do date, but I also know that most women I date either have kids, or have more baggage than I do. I feel like I have lost a sense of worth in myself only because I have a lack of community of friends, I only get to see my son once every 10 days, and the women I like don't like me, and the ones that like me, I don't like. I have good morals, a good career, just a horrible dating life. The bar scene is too horrible to speak of. The online dating thing is hit and miss...and trying to rekindle old flames have been barren as well. Don't get me wrong, I do have some good friends I can talk to, but they have their families that they tend to, but when you get to your mid-30's...and you gave your old life away for a woman who never appreciated you, took your kid away, you get screwed. I'm a good lookin' guy too, its just that I don't know how to get back "out there" again. My question is, what kind of things should I be doing to change all of this? This is a "rut" that has totally demoted my way of thinking the past couple of months. The more I try and fill my life up with the things I buy that would make me happy, the worse I feel because there's no one to share it with. What is something to do to get back into the dating scene again without finding the mid-20's girl that says she's mature, but is totally oblivious to even understand what it means? What's your take?
Phantom888 Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I was in your situation 4 years ago. I think you should commit to online dating. Not the free ones. Use the premium services because mostly serious people would pay $$ to meet people. Go on a few dates... start a few relationships, and see where it goes. I'm sure you are dying to have some good sex.
danlightbulb Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I'm in your position as well mate. Its took me a good 4 years to 'find myself' and figure out what it is about 'me' that I enjoy doing. I have gone from having hardly any contact with friends and no hobbies and fighting severe anxiety to being sporty, active, with my own hobbies. I now try and project this self worth onto my online dating profile and I've had some success with it. Nothing massive, a few dates over a couple of years. Recently I have met someone I really like and been out a few times. I struggle to get rid of the worry of being rejected but I guess that will come with time. I think free OLD is fine as long as you take it for what it is. Don't settle for the 99% of poor profiles and message the people you like. You'll get a response eventually. I'm not a good looking over-confident bloke but I've managed to get a few dates. Good luck.
thefooloftheyear Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Its so pathetic, makes you start to second guess the divorce... TFY
New User Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 I have been divorced for 2 years now. When I got married, I had an insecure wife, which entailed that I lost most of my good friends because she didn't want me hanging with them from time to time. So it was just me, her, and our son. I have tried to catch up with them again, but they have all moved on to their own lives with their own wives/husbands and families. Now since my divorce, I have dated here and there, but nothing solid comes of it. I don't hold my exes issues against anyone I do date, but I also know that most women I date either have kids, or have more baggage than I do. I feel like I have lost a sense of worth in myself only because I have a lack of community of friends, I only get to see my son once every 10 days, and the women I like don't like me, and the ones that like me, I don't like. I have good morals, a good career, just a horrible dating life. The bar scene is too horrible to speak of. The online dating thing is hit and miss...and trying to rekindle old flames have been barren as well. Don't get me wrong, I do have some good friends I can talk to, but they have their families that they tend to, but when you get to your mid-30's...and you gave your old life away for a woman who never appreciated you, took your kid away, you get screwed. I'm a good lookin' guy too, its just that I don't know how to get back "out there" again. My question is, what kind of things should I be doing to change all of this? This is a "rut" that has totally demoted my way of thinking the past couple of months. The more I try and fill my life up with the things I buy that would make me happy, the worse I feel because there's no one to share it with. What is something to do to get back into the dating scene again without finding the mid-20's girl that says she's mature, but is totally oblivious to even understand what it means? What's your take? I'm guessing that your marriage was pretty dysfunctional. The bolded part was a constant issue with my ex too- though for her it was merely the tip of the iceberg. Not knowing any more than you just posted here, I'd say you probably just aren't ready to move on to another relationship yet. It's been two years since I left my ex (just this month actually) and I am in no way ready for any kind of serious relationship yet. I'm honestly not sure I ever will be- it's difficult for me to imagine trusting another woman right now. I'd imagine that dynamic would be exponentially amplified if I had lost custody of a child in the divorce. It isn't that I want the exmonster back or that I project her character defects onto other women, but the scars that relationship left are much deeper than I originally acknowledged. I'd recommend taking a step back and working on you; one of the best pieces of advice I got right after leaving my ex was "get awesome, physically and mentally." Meaning become very physically active and find some way to sort out your mind. Get to the point that you understand you don't "need" anyone else to complete your life before you try to move on to a serious relationship; just enjoy the dates as a pleasant (well, hopefully) diversion and go into them with no expectations. Good luck.
New User Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 Its so pathetic, makes you start to second guess the divorce... TFY I've second guessed the exceedingly generous settlement I signed to get out of my marriage, but I've never once questioned if staying in would have been better.
CptSaveAho Posted August 20, 2013 Posted August 20, 2013 ummm... dating mid 30s should be a gold mine as a guy here's the key, date younger (yes you can easily look for 25, 26 secure women if you are looking for stability, if you just want to have fun, go younger) and walk away from women with baggage immediately. Dont waste time with losers/idiots/bars/online dating/baggage Go to coffee shops, parks, concerts, book stores, running ... etc Focus on moving forward and leaving the past where it is. Once you do this, you wont even think about/care what happened in the past
Author foldingaces Posted August 21, 2013 Author Posted August 21, 2013 Thanks for the replies. It is defeating, but good to know that there have been similiar situations like my own. Just gotta keep fighting the good fight!
SugarLips72 Posted August 21, 2013 Posted August 21, 2013 I am also dating after a divorce. I have 2 young kids. It sucks that is all I can say. My marriage was not dysfunctional, we just grew apart. I am finding there are not a lot of ideal men in my age group (35-45). I am totally fine with 1 or 2 kids. I actually find single dads are far more understanding of the life of a single mom than a guy with no kids. I don't have much of a life but have the online thing and little luck. All the guys I have met have been nice, employed, just no major spark. About the comment regarding the pay dating sites, I was on Match last year. The quality of people on match is slightly better but still the site is full of scammers and out of the country people. e-harmony sucks and I have heard nothing good about it and you cannot filter out people based on looks or race it is done purely on personality. Plenty of Fish is a pretty good free site and their filters do a pretty good job of filtering out of state people. Ok Cupid is decent but no way to block out of state. I cancelled my POF acct now I'm trying OKCupid but really they are all the same. Good luck
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